"My grace is sufficient for you..."

What a week! I don't even know where to begin, nor whether or not I have the emotional energy and mental organization needed to record my thoughts. We'll see how it goes.

Right now I am taking a much needed break. Starbucks didn't have good Wi-Fi so I walked down to Panera Bread with my white chocolate raspberry mocha and reluctantly ordered a scone. The latte is already too sweet, so I'll just save it for later. The atmosphere is way more comfortable here anyway, what with the cozy leather chairs and fireplace just a few feet away. It's finally sunny, the snow is melting, and it feels good to just sit and breathe.

Wow. Caring for a terminally ill parent is more than draining. I am exhausted just about every minute of the day. Since arriving here a week ago I have woken up early and gone to bed late. I feel pulled in two directions: 1. sit with Dad; 2. pitch stuff and organize the house. I could spend every minute of the day with my dad and I would, except that he tends to nap a lot. And even during those times I would linger and watch him sleep and pray over him, but that is prime time to work on the house. And I have only scratched the surface in that regard. You think you've got a pack rat family!

On top of everything, family members have been in and out, painting walls and repairing this and that and, while I cannot express how grateful I am for their help on behalf of my parents, I presently don't have the ability to deal with many people all at once. I almost feel like I picked the wrong time to travel to Minnesota because of all the activity. I'm struggling to deal with everything going on with my dad, and at this point I can't handle much more than that. Most likely, these are my last days to spend with my dad. We don't expect him to live more than a few more weeks, and we just can't afford to keep traveling back and forth like this. It is not ideal to live so far away with circumstances as they are, but we're just doing the best we can, and life has to go on. The house can wait, and my other relatives can wait, as much as some may disagree.

I did, however, get to meet my niece, Scarlett last week. What a doll! My brother and his wife came during the height of all the "clean sweep" pandemonium, and between everyone wanting to hold her, paint fumes, and the influenza quarantine at my dad's care center, the visit wasn't all it could have been. I am sort of disappointed, but we will get to see them again in a couple months when we come out for Memorial Day week. As things look, we may be coming out for a funeral between now and then, but I can't assume anything until it has happened. I got some pictures with Scarlett, but I haven't had a chance to upload them yet. The little tyke and I are going to be the best of friends. We are bonding already with the whole Gone With the Wind theme. She is Scarlett, and I am Scarlett's plantation, Tara. I know, I know....it's a stretch, but hey.

Believe it or not, the most draining aspect of this whole trip has been simply sitting with my dad. That will wear you out! It has been difficult just looking at him because he has lost so much weight. He is literally skin and bones, and it is heart-wrenching to know it is only going to get worse. Dad hasn't had an appetite since before his surgery last month, and on top of that he is nauseated. The care center nurses recently offered to give him an anti-nausea pill a half hour before meals, but they keep forgetting to get it to him on time, and only give a bunch of excuses when we remind them. But eating is the only thing that is going to keep him alive, and I am so frustrated with the nurses failing to do their job like that! I'm not going to be here more than another week and can't hold their hand. And I shouldn't have to. Nobody should. Gratefully, we finally talked my dad into receiving hospice services, which is actually a huge relief because the hospice nurse can serve as an advocate for him and take care of many of these kinds of things. They aren't kidding when they say hospice is just as much for the patient as for the family!

I have never felt so helpless as I have watching my dad throw up. One time he took one bite of cauliflower and couldn't keep it down. I had to hold the waste basket as he struggled to relieve the wave of nausea. It was the worst thing in the world. Thankfully, he hasn't had much of any other pain, which is absolutely God's mercy. Dad is groggy most of the day due to all the medication, and always extremely weak, but no pain. My grandfather died of bone cancer in the late 1970's, and you couldn't breathe on him or he would moan and wince in excruciating pain. My grandma couldn't even shuffle papers anywhere near him or his ears would pound. Not so with my dad. In spite of everything, that fact is a blessing, and I pray that God would continue to sustain him pain free until the very end.

Meals are the most difficult. He says he never thought he would dread mealtime. He used to love food. He remained lean throughout his life, despite eating three and four helpings at a time! Now he can't stomach even his normally favorite foods. My mom and I have supplemented his meals with other foods in case he can't eat what's on the menu. We listen intently for anything that might cue a food craving of any kind. When someone is this sick and this weak, they are encouraged to eat as much of whatever they can get down and keep down, the more caloric the better. If he mentions a food even randomly, you go with it. Canned fruits and Jell-O seem to do the trick, but he has also requested boiled potatoes, Coca Cola, vegetable beef soup, grapes, and even root beer floats, believe it or not! In fact, he would eat root beer floats all day if he could, but he knows he needs to focus on protein and nutrients as well. Yet it relieves me when he stops eating not because he feels sick, but because he is full! Those are very good moments!

Still, my dad is frustrated most of the day. He can't stand to be groggy and weak. He knows he will never get his muscle back, saying he can't stand to look at himself in the mirror. I tell him nobody says he needs to. He doesn't really complain, but he does express what he is feeling, which, as hard as it is, I think is a good thing. He feels at his worst just after waking up from a nap, and he sleeps probably half the day as it is. One time he woke up for dinner and told me, "I wish the Lord would just take me now." And then we got to talking and he perked up quite a bit. Reminiscing and asking him questions about his life or an interest of his seems to take his mind off his condition. He does very well with visitors and often brings out his well-known dry sense of humor. Then he grows tired again, though, and he's back down in the "pit". One night after a very encouraging conversation, out of the blue he said, "You know, it would really lift me up to know I was going to get better." I simply did not know what to say to that so I just left it. I can't disagree, and I can't discount his emotions. This is tough stuff.

His highs and lows are many every day, but I am so glad he isn't satisfied with the lows, because he never stays there. He will freely talk about his illness to anyone, telling it how it is. A few weeks ago my brother asked Dad if he had been sharing his faith with the nurses and others in the care center, because my dad has always been evangelistic, and a great example to me at that. In response to the question he paused, shook his head, and admitted no, he had not spoken of the Lord to anyone. Since then, however, he told me he has witnessed to more than a dozen people! He realizes that because of his condition he has an all-ears audience. We are so encouraged that he is able to glorify God by way of his testimony in this way. Who knows where these many seeds will land?

I've got to ditch out of Panera at the moment. Jeromy is flying in this afternoon, and my aunt Bev is going to stop by the care center around the same time. This has been such a needed break, and I feel refreshed and ready to go about the rest of the day and week. I have left a prayer hanging in the air for God to sustain me every moment I am here, and when you rely upon and really look for those answers to prayer, you find them over and over! This week has been so very hard, but God has been so good through it all, and He has strengthened my faith and trust. I am not surprised, but I normally get discouraged about life so quickly that I refuse to turn to God. Trusting is risky business, because in trust we are not promised an easier road. Yet in some crazy way, when we decide to trust, God gives us the specific grace we need for the moment. I only wish I would risk more and trust more, but my faith is most often as weak as my dad's physical being.

It has done my spirit good to write today.

Lion or Lamb?

Top Ten Signs of Spring (at least in my neck of the woods)....


10. Thunderstorms and windy days (oh and we've had a plenty already!)

9. Cherry blossoms starting to bud (and some sprang up overnight; get ready allergies! - not mine, hubby's, ha ha!)

8. Easter candy in the stores (why do I feel the need to buy just because something is free?!)

7. Neighborhood college kids are home on break and stay up way too late playing video games (on max volume, I might add!)

6. Daylight Savings Time (I am still off schedule)

5. Birds are singing (although they never left, and these guys seriously need to work on their harmony)

4. No more waking up early to check the news for school/work closings (it was fun while it lasted!)

3. Friends everywhere are giving birth (my friends Tracy, Leah, and cousin Janelle are all ready to pop! It's a baby race!)

2. Garage sale season starts! (Oh yeah!!!)


And the number one sign of Spring:




[insert drum roll here]




1. You drive to work freezing cold because you still have the car A/C blasting from a very warm yesterday afternoon and don't realize it until you've already pulled into the parking lot! (Believe it or not, this wasn't the first time, and I have a 25-minute commute! It was in the 30s this morning too!)

sitting and soaking

Looks like I'm headed to Minnesota again. Everyone we speak with over the phone who has spent time with my dad; the doctors, my mom, aunt, etc. all tell us we should probably fly out sooner rather than later. We are still planning on our trip in May, but anything can happen between now and then. Nobody knows how long my dad has left, but we just can't take the chance. You only have one father. Prayerfully, we'll get to spend both trips with him.

We decided that I will stay with my dad for a week or two. Jeromy might also come out for a few days, but we haven't decided for sure yet. We did find out, however, that airlines offer a hefty discount on airfare (I'm talking 50-70% off!), not only for berevement, but for individuals with seriously ill family members. We just have to prove that my dad is in a nursing facility or hospice, which the social worker at his care center will take care of. Wish we had known about this for our trip last month! Here are the details for Midwest and Northwest. I believe most other airlines also offer this type of discount:

Medical/Funeral Fare

Midwest offers a discounted rate for passengers to travel due to unscheduled medical treatment, to visit loved ones with life-threatening medical conditions, or to attend funeral services/memorials. Please call Midwest Airlines Reservations at 800-452-2022.

Northwest offers WorldPerks members a discounted medical emergency fare for last minute travel to visit immediate family members who are suffering ill health. Fares are valid for one-way and round-trip coach travel within the 50 United States or between the 50 United States and Canada . The ill family member must be confined to a hospital, nursing home, convalescent home or be registered with a hospice program. At the time of booking, passengers must provide emergency information that can be verified with the hospital, hospice program, home health care organization or the doctor.


One of the reasons we are choosing to go now is to spend time with him while he is most alert. Because my dad's body is unable to endure chemo treatment, they are instead putting him on all kinds of drugs for pain control, which make him unceasingly groggy and cloudy-headed. As this cancer continues to advance he will need more and more of these drugs. This is the prime time, if there is one, to interact with him.

My mom mentioned yesterday that my dad has lost even more weight and hardly gets out of bed. He needs encouragement of every sort right now, because we aren't ready for him to give up just yet. I believe God can strengthen his body enough to go back to physical therapy. The doctors say chemo is unthinikable at this point, but I am willing to see if we can get him beyond this point. And even if he only continues to decline, at least we can say we tried the best we could, and that we were able to share a few of his last days with him.

Pray that we can encourage his spirit and that he would encounter the Lord even while he is still in this broken body. He needs Him more than he needs us. Jeromy and I discussed possibly talking about Heaven with him. Helping him to look forward to what awaits believers on the other side. I want to read to him; I'm not sure if anyone has been doing that, other than a few verses here and there by his pastor. I want to at least try to dig deep, ask him what's going on in his heart. So far he has opened up in this way to no one, that I know of. Yet I feel it is a crucial piece in the process of dying. I have never gone very deep with my dad, so this a little scary. I just feel God laying it on my heart.

I keep praying that the Lord would give him as much quality of life as he can experience at this point. This could be an utmost beautiful time in the lives of my whole family if we really soak in all that God is pouring out on us. I want us, and especially my dad, to view the little things in life as gifts from God and to enjoy them as blessings. The abilty to eat, to look outside, to blink, to sleep, to breathe, to cry....to spend a few minutes visiting with a family member or friend, to open his Bible and read his Savior's words and find spiritual nurishment. And, of course, to smile.

My mom had a nurse take this photo of the two of them a couple days ago. And would you look at that? He smiles as though none of this is happening to him. Oh that God were already answering my prayer.