Restless

Thoughts from a restless heart, almost a year after graduating college. I was currently working as a live-in nanny for three boys in Minnesota.

*****

It's one of those nights when I want to do a million different things, but I just don't have the emotional strength to do anything else but listen to my Marty Goetz CD and write in here. Yet now I don't even know if I want to do that. I just want to crawl into bed and get a good rest.

God has been drawing me closer to Him lately. It's painful and refreshing at the same time. I crave His fellowship, His comfort, His presence SO much, but it almost feels overwhelming to try and maintain a relationship with one so holy. I have MUCH of my life to work on. And I fail daily. But it's not God's fault, it's mine. It's me indirectly telling Him that I want my other gods more than I want Him. Yet there are times that I have ups and downs with human relationshiops--parents, brother, friends, and others. I start out with a season when I put all my energy into the person, whoever it is, and then when I get physically, mentally, emotionally, or even spiritually exhausted, I dwindle. It goes from everything to nothing, all for entirely selfish reasons, as I can reasonably evaluate.

Inconsistency seems to be the story of my life. The only thing that is consistent is that I thrive off a single-task life. I shudder at the thought of having to multi-task. That's probably why I get frustrated with the Sweeney boys if they need help while I'm sweeping the floor. Or if one of them makes a huge mess while I'm working with one of the other boys. I feel like I have to stop what I'm doing and fix the mess before I can continue. Interruptions throw me off BIG time.

I think it's the same way with people and the events surrounding my relationships. Only if it is convenient, will I put my heart and soul into showering my attention, care, and concern on those I love. If I get busy with a new project, or if I meet a new friend, another relationship might be quickly put on the back-burner. It is hard for me to give equal attention to each person that crosses my path, no matter how much I want to. It usually makes me sound like I'm saying, "I still like you, but please take a number and get in line. If you're lucky, you'll get a Christmas card this year."

I'm extremely convicted about this—-well, of course I am, or I wouldn't be going into it at such length. I do realize that GOD is not partial like that. He has millions of people simultaneously talking to Him all day long, and yet He gives undivided attention to and time for each individual whenever they want. Amazing. I understand that He is all-powerful Deity, but the concept is true. If God can give me His full attention at the drop of a hat, surely I can be there for the people in my life. Even when I think I can't make the time or when I don't feel like it. I certainly would want all of them to be there for me when I need them.

I figure if my relationship with God is on a steady course, then perhaps my relationships with others wouldn't suffer so. Because God is so faithful to me, I need to be faithful to others. And, most importantly, faithful to God.