*****
Well I just had to say that I am amazed by the man God has given to me. I never fathomed this kind of love, but I continue to discover new avenues of his love for me every day. It turns me to Christ ALWAYS, and I am constantly challenged to love God authentically, to choose to walk in obedience of His Word, and to keep looking outside myself to meet the needs of others before my own.
Jeromy provides a comfort that allows me to share my struggles and speak my heart, without being judged or criticized. He lets me talk through things, even if my words start out selfish or prideful, or fearful. A lot of times I can say the right things, do the right things, think the right things, but when it gets real...when it's time to apply what I know, down to my desires and motives, it's hard. It's not easy to trust God most of the time. Jeromy is encouraging me, usually when he doesn't even know it, to lay it ALL down. To not look back at the "I wish I had..."s and "Woe is me..."s and "I need to be in control of..."s. Life is FILLED with opportunities to trust God.
I had no idea I fell so short in these moments, as I know now. Marriage has exposed my weaknesses, and shown me where my heart is in a lot of different ways. It's not fun to see this stuff. I don't want to be responsible for a lot of prayers I pray for my sanctification. But it's so good. Jeromy's example and his love has led me to break through my hardened heart to let God do some spiritual surgery where it hurts. Where I would otherwise dwell in comfort and safety. Where my actions and words don't match up with my attitudes. Where I let frustration and disappointment get the better of me. Where I need to give Him greater access to roam freely throughout my heart and life. Having Jeromy at my side has been instrumental in my Christian walk. And this was God's idea!
I am SO blessed because this man accepts me! He calls me beautiful when I think and feel otherwise. He can tell when my heart is not right and he doesn't leave me there. He holds me close when I don't know why I'm crying. He has no expectations of me, nor makes demands. His devotion to me alone is found in both his words and actions. If there is any perceived "distance" between us, he gets right to the core, yet loves me through the process. He is always positive. Always encouraging. Never satisfied with a mediocre Christian life. Asks the hard questions and wrestles with them along with me. Truly wants to please God and probes Scripture to find out what that means. Seeks to enjoy the little things in life, while not becoming so stingy as to giving up quality. Jeromy is understanding, and when he doesn't understand, he doesn't give up until he does. He lets me love him and support him in ways my heart longs to give, and he appreciates everything. Jeromy can get me to smile quicker than anyone I know, ever an unsaid reminder of the bigger perspective, by which I already own abundant joy and peace. Jeromy's presence in my life provides a glimpse into how good it can be to live a life sold-out, head-over-heels in love with Jesus. If my husband--limited, made of flesh, and tainted by sin--can bring positive change in my life, imagine how much greater sanctification can take place when I begin to view God for more of who He really is! If only His unconditional love and grace and affection can motivate me in as similar a way as does that of Jeromy.
At this point, I really don't think there is much of a difference between the two, except that whatever God pours on us is perfection. Jeromy gives me amazing love...but God's love is perfect. Jeromy offers me kindness and mercy...God floods our every step with His. And what can be compared to God's comforting embrace, His peace that passes man's capacity to understand? Often I can't describe in words how good it feels to be wrapped up in Jeromy's arms. How much greater is the affection of our Creator God?! We have so few combinations of letters that adequately tell of such intensity. I think it's supposed to be that way. I think God is glorified in that, in our wonder of Him.
And to think--wow!--I am only beginning this journey with my wonderful gift from God. Jeromy and I often remind ourselves that we are never promised tomorrow on this earth, but that we do have today. We have each other for these fleeting moments, and I want to make them last. I hope the fact of my mortality affects everything from how I spend my time, to how much rule I give my emotions, to which life's tasks are worth being concerned about. I want to live this life for what really matters. I want to learn how to give more and just do it. I want to look less at myself in the mirror. I want to love deeply and love well. I want to expect God's faithfulness by letting go of control, letting go of stuff, letting go of man's doctrines and morals, philosophies, and standards. I want to quit comparing myself to others and instead keen in on the personality and gifts God as given me. I want to cry for all the right reasons and refrain from laughing at all the wrong things, although I want to laugh MORE. I want to keep the little irritants little and enlarge the little joys I typically overlook. I want to give God more credit for His work in my heart and in this world, including the credit I too often steal from Him in my arrogance. After all, if I am going to call him "Lord" in my prayers and songs, then He better BE Lord!
I am still on my hands and knees, slowly inching to the places I need to reach, but I am only discouraged when I think about how much farther is the distance. Instead, I want to celebrate the little milestones in my spiritual journey, similar to how Jeormy and I celebrate our first date, first kiss, engagement, and wedding! I am finding more and more parallels between our human relationships and our relationship with the Divine, realizing there is no coincidence. Everything good on this earth points to the heavenly equivalent. We can enjoy these things in our lives, though they are all broken, but they are simultaneously preparing us and causing us to yearn for the whole, the perfect.
I am forever grateful for the brief moments God has bound Jeromy and I together. We both look forward to the day when our union with Christ will bind us with Him for eternity.
Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's ok to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been with God
And that's the way it ought to be
You had faith when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be
Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
Cause you have spoken the truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know
You have carried me
You have taken on a burden
That wasn't your own
May the blessing return to you
A hunderedfold
Oh yeah, a hundredfold
- Watermark
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