A Little Bit of Everything

I am absolutely in heaven this moment. Heaven on earth, if there is such a thing.

Let's see...I'm sitting all cozy-like in my fleece and jeans at a classic rustic CARIBOU, sipping a delightfully satisfying Lite White Raspberry (my favorite!) on a perfectly gorgeous after-the-rain Autumn morning, just two blocks from my childhood home here in the Twin Cities. In my backpack I have stuffed Beth Moore, crochet hooks, and plenty of yarn!

And, get this - I am BLOGGING! Wooooa!

The only thing I forgot is to ask for my signature half-caff, so being a little jittery, I'm not sure what's going to pop out of these fingers!

I am going to remember this blessed time of reflection and recharge for a long time. Poor husband is still in Maryland, but he'll arrive by Alero come Sunday. Bless his road tripping heart.

Finally, an enjoyable reason to come home. I've been anticipating this trip for a while, although it is still somewhat bittersweet. The thought of staying at my mom's place brought a few mixed emotions. The reality of not coming home to my dad, yet seeing reminders of him everywhere at the house. It evoked some dreams of him over the last few days leading up to this trip. My mom got rid of the majority of his stuff but left a few drawers for me to pick through for possible mementos. A few scattered pictures, a fishing hat, some preaching tapes, some books, and that's about it. My brother already went through his workroom and collected his tools.

My dad was a simple man with minimal possession. For the most part, he didn't really have time for hobby since he was on the road so much. Looking back I know that is the reason it was so difficult to buy him gifts for Christmas or his birthday. I usually got him a book because of his love to read and learn, though he probably barely even got to crack them open. His head would droop and eyes would close after a couple pages.

One time he even fell asleep standing up! And at the Minnesota State Fair, of all places! My mom was running about the agricultural building, most likely scouring for honey or listening to some guy's live infomercial for the must-have amazing knife set. What else is a tired man to do with all the benches to capacity?

Mostly, though, I am happy to be here. Having lost my dad is something I have had to get used to, and it is good for me to let the memories of this place continue to bring closure and peace.

I would like to visit Golden Living Center where my dad spent the last two months of his life, but I'm a little apprehensive because of the flood of emotions I am most certain to experience when I walk into the place and see the nurses that cared for him hour-by-hour until the end. I would like to thank them in person, but I just don't know if I'm ready yet for such vivid memories of my dad's suffering. I lose it when I picture what he went through, but I keep forcing myself to imagine him in the presence of the Lord and enjoying a blissful Eternity. And then I am glad he is not here. Knowing what he knows now, he would not wish to come back, only anticipating our reunion when we join him. All I can say is, poor Lazarus.

My number one prayer for this visit is that we would enjoy a no-stress, low-key couple weeks with a perfect balance between alone time and family and friends. We'll see. The one practical goal we have, and also the reason my husband is driving instead of flying is so we can truck all my stuff back to the East Coast. My mom is actively trying to sell the house and it would appear a lot more aesthetic if she didn't have to deal with my many boxes and bins of randomicity.

It's not like we actually have the space to fit anything more into our 2-bedroom condo in Southern Maryland, but we hope the situation is temporary. Jeromy has been actively applying for jobs for the last two weeks, and I am just recently in between jobs. I stuck it out with full-time at the resource center until last Friday, and am currently hopeful about a couple part-time prospects. It was a weird thing to basically co-hire my replacement as counselor, but it made me feel like I was perceived a valuable asset to the agency. Yet LOCATE was my "baby" and it was difficult to pass the torch, so to speak. But I don't regret the decision. In fact, we are waiting on the grant money, but it looks like I will even get to retain a few hours as a contracted employee. I did not anticipate that, and I am very grateful for the possibility of continuing to work there, even if just one day a week.

I'm also looking into substitute teaching in the county. I'm already set up to teach at the local Christian school (although I desperately need to go skirt shopping first!), and next month I plan to take the substitute teacher class for the public school system. If anything, it's a fall-back plan if my other prospect doesn't work out. Yet I think the classroom experience would benefit me, though I'm still leery of taking on a full-time teaching stint. (See reasoning here.)

That "other prospect" mentioned above is a position for a "care coordinator" at an area assisted living facility. 20 hours a week instead of 40, and a 10-minute verses a 25-minute commute - what's not to love? It's basically a researching job to find programs and contacts for individual needs, and a babysitting job to keep resident squabbles to a minimum. Had an interview two days ago and, being it lasted an hour, I'd say that's a good sign it went well! Although I'm trying not to be too hopeful in the event this job is not God's direction.

There is always the variable of moving. If Jeromy gets a job offer somewhere soon, we could be gone within the next couple months. We'd like to be out of Southern Maryland before the blasted hot summer months (a.k.a. February, sarcastic only in part), but we are staying open minded and flexible. Thus, my job hunt. The only two stipulations on location is, for one, a place with a lower cost of living. And second, we'd like to stay out of the South. Nothing against all you super nice Southerners, but you got some heat down there that we're trying to avoid! Unfortunately, most of the jobs in Jeromy's field tend to reside on the coasts. We'd absolutely love to live in Oregon or Washington (especially after our Seattle honeymoon!), but when we start to think about having kids, we want to live relatively close to our families. Yet where do you go between West Virginia and Minnesota except for Indiana or Kentucky? Not that we're opposed to those states, except, like I said, the jobs are primarily on the coasts.

I guess we'll see how things transpire. I feel kind of helpless in this area because a move falls on Jeromy's job, not mine, so all I can do is wait and pray. But I am content to do that.

We love many things about Southern Maryland that will make leaving difficult. Although our church is large we have met and become friends with some great Christian people there. I feel we have gotten to know a lot of people at minimal depth. I think we both have the desire to become part of a smaller church where we can get to know a handful of people at a much greater depth. We don't fault our church, its leaders, or any of our Leonardtown Baptist friends for that. It's just the nature of the bigger church. We don't get to see the same people every Sunday like both Jeromy and I were used to in the churches we attended growing up. Here, we really have to be proactive about getting together with people because it just doesn't happen naturally. And nothing against that, but I think it should happen naturally, because I have experienced that kind of community before. These thoughts wouldn't ever be a reason for leaving a church while we're members, but I think we have learned a lot about congregational unity and accountability while attending here. We know what characteristics we would look for in a church in the future.

For example, our senior pastor just retired this week. Sunday was his last sermon at the church he parented from infancy. Jeromy and I have been members for close to three years now, and neither of us feels we really got to know our pastor. God-blessed preacher and effective communicator, but as a pastor, is it really possible to fully Shepherd over a thousand members and countless attenders? Deacons and associates are great, but they are not biblically called to be Shepherds as pastors are.

When it comes down to it, I think small church is just our preference. Many thrive in a large church. Maybe it is just our personality to gravitate towards smaller crowds and groups. Maybe we just want our pastor to know us beyond our names, occupations, and ministries involved in (if even to that extent). Maybe we're just weary of the greeters coming up to us every other Sunday and asking if this is our first service. I don't know.

I think we have found our place or niche at Leonardtown, but part of us feels there could be more. We are more about relationship than formal program. Big church tends toward programs and committees that emphasizes relationship. But without a chance to get to know our fellow worshipers beyond Sunday School; without the invitation for mutual transparency, our experiences with most programs and committees have lacked relationship. I realize smaller churches don't excel at relationship by default. But I think at least the forum is there. It's what I used to know.

But for the most part, we love our church and the people that continue to touch our lives there. We are trying our best to be proactive. It is one of the reasons I decided to regress to part time, for more availability and flexibility. And, of course, family mental health! :)

I have not posted much of our lives over the past few months. As long and difficult as the summer months seemed, we found little things to enjoy. For one, I got a bicycle. I don't remember the last time I owned a bike. Probably junior high time-frame. Of course, stuff does not satisfy our souls, but it sure offered relief from the heat! When the sun goes down on a July evening, the burning heat goes down with it, but the humidity stays. Often we waited until 8pm to venture outside for a ride around the neighborhood, but even in the stickiness, feeling the wind on my face and neck was so glorious I could have cried. I couldn't believe I had waited this long in my Maryland residence to get a bike. Not only did these evening excursions curb my summer cabin fever, but it took away some of my bitterness towards living in such a tropical climate. (Which, along with that comes the infamous yet ignorant, "God, I don't know about Africa...") I think God had placed the option for blessing in our hands, but we just had to reach outside of our seemingly prison-like condo (and mopey little comfort zone) to find it. I still don't like summer in Southern Maryland and will avoid it at all cost if given the option, but I now know there are ways to cope with just about every situation, enough to enjoy or even *gasp* embrace them.

However, thank the mighty Lord above for air conditioning!

Another blessing I have recently fallen upon is the world of crochet. I tried cross stitching a few months ago but it didn't excite me much, despite my mom's former obsession with the craft. I was all ready to try knitting (and might still like to learn), but I have found a new joy in crocheting. Our missions and evangelism leader had the team over for a potluck meeting a few weeks ago and his wife had some of crochet projects lying around their house. Some of us ladies marveled at the handmade throws on the couch and a crocheted sundress for their little girl. Amy told us God seemed to be pressing on her heart to turn her love of crochet into a little ministry, and a few of us expressed an interest in learning for that expressed purpose. Shortly thereafter we set up a group of ladies to meet at one another's houses to crochet articles for some of the low income families we are ministering to in our area.

I couldn't wait. I went out and bought me some hooks and yarn and the next day I pulled up some how-to videos on youtube.com and learned the basic stitches. It's only been a couple weeks since I learned, but I have already made scarves and hats, and I am so excited to have learned such an enjoyable activity to quiet my heart. I look forward to ways I can use this new skill to minister to others. I love how crochet projects work up quickly so I don't get bogged down and quit. It's easy for a new interest to become an obsession one day and a past hobby the next (neither are a good thing), only to be replaced with a new obsession, etc. Balance in life is so hard, isn't it?

I almost missed my connecting flight out of Atlanta yesterday evening. I failed to verify the gate listed on my ticket after getting off the plane, and barely missed the last call for Minneapolis/St. Paul at the correct gate on the direct opposite side of the airport! Lesson learned! Regardless, I made the flight and met two friendly individuals in the seats next to me. One lady lives in Nicolett, Minnesota which, she said, is close to Mankato. I told her I was planning on visiting my brother in New Ulm, which is also near Mankato, and it turns out she not only works in New Ulm, but she knows my brother's mother-in-law! Such a small world It's neat to connect with people like that. She may have been a Christian; at least, she mentioned her son is a pastor in Florida, which was her previous destination.

The man in between this woman and I was in his mid-40's grew up in Fridley, Minnesota, but was also flying from Florida, where he currently resides. He said his dad just got out of the hospital after an intense blood transfusion, and needed some assistance as he recovered and gained strength. I brought along my hooks and yarn and found that crocheting really makes a long flight seem to make the flight go by quickly. I started making a winter cap. About halfway through the project I decided I would give the hat to the man to give to his dad. I started working my fingers with a new fury and finished just before we landed at MSP airport. Since I could not carry a scissors or pocket knife on the plane I had to bite off the yarn (which is not recommended, by the way), and weaved off the ends just as people started to get up. I told the man, "I made this for your dad. Tell him that someone is praying for him."

I should have also given him a tract, but at least this was a seed planted, however small. I also didn't want to go overboard. A perfect stranger next to you whipping up a hat on the plane and then giving it to you? Kind of weird, if I do say so myself. But I was giddy to give it to him. The gift wasn't in the hat itself, but the joy those couple hours gave me while I made it as well as the prayers that follow. I love those "burden is light" reminder moments. God really wants us to delight in His work. I don't think He is about dumping tasks on us that we will resent and complete begrudgingly. He knows what brings us individual joy, and why wouldn't He want to increase that joy by allowing us to share it with others?

Although, I need to see His hand at work when something is not on my terms or in my schedule. When he nudges me toward something when I don't have time to plan for it and when it was not my idea. Crocheting for two hours on the plane is nothing. Minimal time spent (I was stuck there anyway), inexpensive yarn, and it wasn't any sort of painstaking project (or something I was hoping to keep for myself).

We like things that don't cost us or require much of us. If circumstances were different, would I have still followed that "nudge"? Did the nudge come from myself? What have I given lately that cost me in some great way? Am I a better Christian when I sacrifice more? Do I feel better about myself when I make it a point to be selfless? Do I give out of pride? Do I wait for that pat-on-the-back or that "thank you!" or even just that warm fuzzy on the inside?

Can we analyze things too much instead of simply enjoying something? Ha!

Well, I think my time here at Caribou is just about spent (translation: time for bathroom break!). Time to go out and enjoy the beautiful Fall weather in Minnesota! I can't believe I'm here!

Till hopefully a much sooner next time....

*Oh my! I just saw the town "walker" walk past the window! I don't know his name but he always creeped out my brother and I when we were younger. We always saw him walking no matter where we were and so we just called him "Walker". The guy looks absolutely the same as I remember. He's probably mid-fifties or even sixty by now, but same round face, pixie haircut, pudgy middle, and infamously long strides and arm swings. Within the last quarter century he must have worked at probably every single business in town! I guess he just never owned a car. He still kind of creeps me out when I see him because he's just so out-of-the-ordinary and because I used to be scared when I'd meet him alone on the streets as a teenager, but I know he's just a person that needs Christ like the rest of us. Maybe I'll run (I mean walk) into him once Jeromy gets here.