Most of the time when I'm driving on my local freeway, I notice that each vehicle acts independently from the other surrounding vehicles. And I mean to the extreme. Everybody wants to be first in line; nobody enjoys being cut off or slowed down. Today I noticed something different.
Living on a peninsula, there are only two main roads that run north and south: Routes 5 and 235. Southern Maryland is growing rapidly, as, it seems, everywhere else. The result is increased traffic on the road most heavily traveled to various workplaces around the county. 235 is crazy enough, and on top of that the speed limit is just 55mph.
I have a 30 minute drive to work, and it's just not fun to be on the road for an hour every day. I am constantly tempted to push 60...then 70, and I admit I average a speed of 70mph during the daily commute. The battle with the old nature is strong sometimes, especially in circumstances where breaking the law is accepted by the norm. And especially when 70mph is the flow of traffic.
Every time my speedometer reaches or passes 70mph my eyes are the widest and my heart beats the quickest. 'Is that a cop?' I reputedly ask myself, carefully judging each vehicle behind me for lights or Crown Vic characteristics. Cops love to lurk in all the nooks and crannies of 235, and I'm sure it's a rush to squeal their tires on the random casual speeder.
I have to say, God seems to give me the most grace during that drive to work! I've only had one speeding ticket in my life, and that was three years ago. Never mind that I was the only vehicle on a straight rural freeway. I just wonder how many tickets I really deserve! I'm sure most of us would confess that we'd be broke if we had to pay all those fines!
Back to today....I was about a third of the way to work when I noticed that I was second in line of six cars sandwiched together. There was plenty of room in the right lane, but all stayed left. We were pretty tight, yet all going at the same speed so it felt safe. And then I realized that we were no longer acting independently of one another. We had formed this chain on purpose as a means of protection from receiving a citation! The speed of choice was about 72mph, yet there was no way a cop could have squeezed in between any of us to tag us for speeding, except for maybe the last person. What a genius idea!
I kept checking the rearview mirror to see if anyone was going to pass on the right, and for about 15 miles, nobody moved. Suddenly we passed one cop sitting on a side road, hiding behind some trees. I waited for him to make his move, but no action. I could almost hear his exaggerated sigh as he felt the gust from our six-car train sway his police vehicle a bit. The crazy thing was, I felt a tinge of guilt, though overshadowed by this incredible feeling of escape.
Soon I saw these two highway patrol cars zip right past me from out of nowhere! I looked down at the speedometer and noticed I was still at 70mph. The two cops must have been going 75-80! Maybe they grew frustrated at our "snail's pace" that they decided to pass us all!
After that our little caravan broke apart, and I eased back into 65-70, pondering all the silent communication that had taken place over the last 15 minutes. Why should it irk me that a cop feels he doesn't need to keep the law, but that we have to always stress over it, always have to avoid getting caught? The problem was, I had just cooperated with five other people in order to stretch the law! No, to break the law -- to participate in a crime! I am an individually responsible citizen, and that excuse surely won't go over if I ever do get pulled over again!
This happens on the road all the time. Today I just noticed it. The point is, I can't go with the flow just because the next man does, or even because I sense people riding my tail in order to force me to speed. Speeding breaks the law, end of story. But I do it and will probably do it again, just to save a precious 5 minutes on the road. All for nothing, really. And the scary part is, that mentality most likely spills over into other areas of my life as well. 'Maybe God will offer more lenience since everybody does it. Or maybe it's not so bad after all.'
At times I catch myself drowning in these thoughts. Other times I don't. It's those times of guiltlessness that should worry me. "The heart is [indeed] deceitful above all things, desperately wicked, who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9).
Search me O God!
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
work, Waldorf, Thai, coffee, mornings, Bob Dole, and Valentine's Day
I have restless fingers syndrome.
Not really, just need to type. The only time I really get to blog is at work. The official title of my position is LOCATE: Child Care Counselor. I work for a non-profit organization called the Southern Maryland Child Care Resource Center (mouthful!), an aspect of which is a referral service. I take calls from parents looking for child care, and I give them information on licensed family and center providers in the tri-county. There is also some counseling involved, such as how to screen providers and identify quality care. The process averages 30-50 minutes each. Some days it's crazy busy and I'm sick of talking by the end of the day. Other days, like today, the phone is s l o w ... On top of it, it's jeans Friday and I just want to go home and spend time with my sweetie! Although, that does give me BLOG TIME!
Life in Southern Maryland is what you make of it. St. Mary's County is a peninsula, so you can either go north, south, or....north or south. Waldorf is the closest "big city", but a friend of ours once stated most accurately by calling Waldorf "one big store." Basically, that means there's just a bunch of malls and restaurants crammed together, which makes both shopping and eating a most difficult task on the weekend. And with a 45 minute drive, we never venture there except for weekends, so it's just not fun.
However, one of the two perks of Waldorf is Bed Bath & Beyond, which is where we used up most of our wedding gift cards to purchase all our house necessities. But even that got old. How is it we all seem to need so much junk?! Those cards are long gone, though, so now we never go there. :)
The other perk of Waldorf is Thai Flavor. Jeromy and I have a running joke because he called it "Thai Taste" by accident one time, and now we like that name better. :) They make the BEST satay in the world! Ok, so I've only had it at a couple other restaurants, but that's about the validity of most statistics anyway, right? I didn't really like Asian food before I met Jeromy. But then I met Jeromy, and now Asian is my obsession!
I think I grew to love Asian because it's healthier and fresher than a lot of other restaurant choices out there. (Especially Mexican!) At least you feel it's healthier because you're eating rice and broccoli. Sometimes I'd like to hold onto my blissful ignorance. Because if you don't want me to ruin you, don't look up the nutrition information for the majority of menu items at Panera Bread. Panera Bread!!! Trust me. You might as well eat at McDonalds.
And then there's coffee. This county needs more coffee shops! There are three that I know of. One is a tiny, highly over-commercialized Starbucks with uncomfortable and dirty seating, and is always cold. Then you have Brewing Grounds, which was half my weekly employment from November to January. I loved learning how to make espresso and interacting with people in the community. It's got the best ambiance in the county as far as I'm concerned. But they they close way too early (5pm!!!), yet I can't complain because as a former employee, the hours were great!
On the other hand, the Coffee Quarter, which is where Jeromy and I met (besides on Myspace!) is also nice, but the quality of the coffee-making isn't worth the price for a decent latte. That, and the only time we can really go there is Friday night. But after a few Friday night outings at the Coffee Quarter, we've about had it with the obnoxiously LOUD teenie bopper Emo groups. We'd rather sip coffee together somewhere that doesn't require yelling in order to hear one another!
So...what's a young, Christian, newlywed, coffee-drinking couple without children to do on a Friday night?
Actually, since Jeromy and I get up so stinkin' early during the work week, we tend to feel exhausted and spent by 9pm, even on weekends. How pathetic is that? Personally, I enjoy the early morning better than the late night because the day is fresh; full of light, energy, and mercy. The day's events are a mystery, with an element of anticipation if ever I let it. Too quickly I find myself embracing the day through a lens of tasks and responsibilities that I make stressful or mundane, and that strip me of the day's initial wonder. Perhaps that's why I do love mornings so much. There's always a possibility that in all of God's prompting, He will actually get my attention; much greater a feat, and keep it. I long for that every day, but I'm usually too busy doing in order to be. Abundant life is what God offers, but sometimes I just grope for life at all. Maybe in the morning, things will be different...
Evenings are ok, if there is enough caffeine and liveliness to keep us going. However, we usually wait until in the moment before we finally ask the question, "So, what should we do tonight?" I don't recommend that because most everything spontaneous we can think of involve spending money.
Take Valentine's Day, for example. This year was actually our first Valentine's together because though we were a couple last year, I had to be in Charlotte that week. So then now we finally get to be together for the holiday, all thoughts and plans fail because we have a huge ice storm the night before and I hit my head and we spend 4 hours in the ER. So much for making that red velvet cake... But it didn't feel right not doing anything for Valentine's Day, but it's hard to be too sentimental when it's the day of and you have to rack your brain for something special. It's just not the same.
However, the evening ended in fireworks because we both suggested something stupid and fun, and just went with it. My suggestion was to order pizza (which we rarely do since we make our own most of the time). I know...it was Valentine's Day and all...but I just know Jeromy loves Papa Johns. So then Jeromy thought it would be fun to go to Target and purchase gifts for one another. That was that. A planned date night!
After calling in our order we drove over the bridge to pick up our order at Solomons. Since it was starting to get late, we decided to eat the pizza in the truck on the way to Target. In a strange way we felt like we were dating again because over the course of those nine single months we had spent more time in that Chevy S10 than any actual building. That piece of red metal is like family to us now.
By the time we pulled into the Target parking lot we had polished off the entire pizza! (That is, five pieces for Jeromy, three for me!) We turned the store outing into a sort-of game. We each were given a limit of $10, and couldn't let the other person see the gift until we got home. That wasn't all that easy, either! People gave us strange looks all throughout the store because we must have looked like we were about to rob the place, the way we were being all secretive. But it was so much fun!
I found Jeromy's gift almost right away. It was easy. Drum sticks. This is a long story, but I was going to give Jeromy drum or voice lessons for his birthday. I was given some names and numbers of instructors in the area, which I copied on a piece of scratch paper and stuffed down into my purse. On Christmas Day we visited some amputee soldiers at Walter Reed Hospital in D.C., and happened to run into some White House officials and others who had also come to encourage the soldiers. Also, my uncle introduced us to Bob Dole, a several times acquaintance of his. Former Senator Dole was looking very aged and thin, but was most pleasant to us. After our brief conversation I thought to give him a gospel tract, which he accepted. Well, I later found out that when I had shoved that piece of paper with all those numbers inside my purse, it had slid inside that same tract I gave to Bob Dole! I bet he'd make a rockin' drummer!
Conservatively, of course...
Jeromy picked out a card game and cartons of Play Doh for me. How romantic! We spent the rest of the evening chilling on the couch and comparing our Play Doh creations. Did you know they make confetti Doh now? It's white with colorful sprinkles!
Papa Johns Hawaiian pizza: $12
Silly gifts from Target: $20
Gasoline: $2
Funky, original, spontaneous Valentine's date with your husband, minus the overbaked red velvet cake and overpriced Hallmark card: PRICELESS
Not really, just need to type. The only time I really get to blog is at work. The official title of my position is LOCATE: Child Care Counselor. I work for a non-profit organization called the Southern Maryland Child Care Resource Center (mouthful!), an aspect of which is a referral service. I take calls from parents looking for child care, and I give them information on licensed family and center providers in the tri-county. There is also some counseling involved, such as how to screen providers and identify quality care. The process averages 30-50 minutes each. Some days it's crazy busy and I'm sick of talking by the end of the day. Other days, like today, the phone is s l o w ... On top of it, it's jeans Friday and I just want to go home and spend time with my sweetie! Although, that does give me BLOG TIME!
Life in Southern Maryland is what you make of it. St. Mary's County is a peninsula, so you can either go north, south, or....north or south. Waldorf is the closest "big city", but a friend of ours once stated most accurately by calling Waldorf "one big store." Basically, that means there's just a bunch of malls and restaurants crammed together, which makes both shopping and eating a most difficult task on the weekend. And with a 45 minute drive, we never venture there except for weekends, so it's just not fun.
However, one of the two perks of Waldorf is Bed Bath & Beyond, which is where we used up most of our wedding gift cards to purchase all our house necessities. But even that got old. How is it we all seem to need so much junk?! Those cards are long gone, though, so now we never go there. :)
The other perk of Waldorf is Thai Flavor. Jeromy and I have a running joke because he called it "Thai Taste" by accident one time, and now we like that name better. :) They make the BEST satay in the world! Ok, so I've only had it at a couple other restaurants, but that's about the validity of most statistics anyway, right? I didn't really like Asian food before I met Jeromy. But then I met Jeromy, and now Asian is my obsession!
I think I grew to love Asian because it's healthier and fresher than a lot of other restaurant choices out there. (Especially Mexican!) At least you feel it's healthier because you're eating rice and broccoli. Sometimes I'd like to hold onto my blissful ignorance. Because if you don't want me to ruin you, don't look up the nutrition information for the majority of menu items at Panera Bread. Panera Bread!!! Trust me. You might as well eat at McDonalds.
And then there's coffee. This county needs more coffee shops! There are three that I know of. One is a tiny, highly over-commercialized Starbucks with uncomfortable and dirty seating, and is always cold. Then you have Brewing Grounds, which was half my weekly employment from November to January. I loved learning how to make espresso and interacting with people in the community. It's got the best ambiance in the county as far as I'm concerned. But they they close way too early (5pm!!!), yet I can't complain because as a former employee, the hours were great!
On the other hand, the Coffee Quarter, which is where Jeromy and I met (besides on Myspace!) is also nice, but the quality of the coffee-making isn't worth the price for a decent latte. That, and the only time we can really go there is Friday night. But after a few Friday night outings at the Coffee Quarter, we've about had it with the obnoxiously LOUD teenie bopper Emo groups. We'd rather sip coffee together somewhere that doesn't require yelling in order to hear one another!
So...what's a young, Christian, newlywed, coffee-drinking couple without children to do on a Friday night?
Actually, since Jeromy and I get up so stinkin' early during the work week, we tend to feel exhausted and spent by 9pm, even on weekends. How pathetic is that? Personally, I enjoy the early morning better than the late night because the day is fresh; full of light, energy, and mercy. The day's events are a mystery, with an element of anticipation if ever I let it. Too quickly I find myself embracing the day through a lens of tasks and responsibilities that I make stressful or mundane, and that strip me of the day's initial wonder. Perhaps that's why I do love mornings so much. There's always a possibility that in all of God's prompting, He will actually get my attention; much greater a feat, and keep it. I long for that every day, but I'm usually too busy doing in order to be. Abundant life is what God offers, but sometimes I just grope for life at all. Maybe in the morning, things will be different...
Evenings are ok, if there is enough caffeine and liveliness to keep us going. However, we usually wait until in the moment before we finally ask the question, "So, what should we do tonight?" I don't recommend that because most everything spontaneous we can think of involve spending money.
Take Valentine's Day, for example. This year was actually our first Valentine's together because though we were a couple last year, I had to be in Charlotte that week. So then now we finally get to be together for the holiday, all thoughts and plans fail because we have a huge ice storm the night before and I hit my head and we spend 4 hours in the ER. So much for making that red velvet cake... But it didn't feel right not doing anything for Valentine's Day, but it's hard to be too sentimental when it's the day of and you have to rack your brain for something special. It's just not the same.
However, the evening ended in fireworks because we both suggested something stupid and fun, and just went with it. My suggestion was to order pizza (which we rarely do since we make our own most of the time). I know...it was Valentine's Day and all...but I just know Jeromy loves Papa Johns. So then Jeromy thought it would be fun to go to Target and purchase gifts for one another. That was that. A planned date night!
After calling in our order we drove over the bridge to pick up our order at Solomons. Since it was starting to get late, we decided to eat the pizza in the truck on the way to Target. In a strange way we felt like we were dating again because over the course of those nine single months we had spent more time in that Chevy S10 than any actual building. That piece of red metal is like family to us now.
By the time we pulled into the Target parking lot we had polished off the entire pizza! (That is, five pieces for Jeromy, three for me!) We turned the store outing into a sort-of game. We each were given a limit of $10, and couldn't let the other person see the gift until we got home. That wasn't all that easy, either! People gave us strange looks all throughout the store because we must have looked like we were about to rob the place, the way we were being all secretive. But it was so much fun!
I found Jeromy's gift almost right away. It was easy. Drum sticks. This is a long story, but I was going to give Jeromy drum or voice lessons for his birthday. I was given some names and numbers of instructors in the area, which I copied on a piece of scratch paper and stuffed down into my purse. On Christmas Day we visited some amputee soldiers at Walter Reed Hospital in D.C., and happened to run into some White House officials and others who had also come to encourage the soldiers. Also, my uncle introduced us to Bob Dole, a several times acquaintance of his. Former Senator Dole was looking very aged and thin, but was most pleasant to us. After our brief conversation I thought to give him a gospel tract, which he accepted. Well, I later found out that when I had shoved that piece of paper with all those numbers inside my purse, it had slid inside that same tract I gave to Bob Dole! I bet he'd make a rockin' drummer!
Conservatively, of course...
Jeromy picked out a card game and cartons of Play Doh for me. How romantic! We spent the rest of the evening chilling on the couch and comparing our Play Doh creations. Did you know they make confetti Doh now? It's white with colorful sprinkles!
Papa Johns Hawaiian pizza: $12
Silly gifts from Target: $20
Gasoline: $2
Funky, original, spontaneous Valentine's date with your husband, minus the overbaked red velvet cake and overpriced Hallmark card: PRICELESS
Monday, February 12, 2007
Don Miller and other musings
I finally finished my second Don Miller book. I zipped through Blue Like Jazz last spring. I mean I read that thing in less than a week, even amid all the busyness of traveling and planning for a wedding. I started Searching for God Knows What in July. The first couple chapters of this book went fairly quickly. Then I got married. After that whirlwind the pace through the second read slowed to a paragraph a sitting for a while, though I was as committed to reading the last page as I am to finishing the last drop of a latte. It's just not right to leave even a hint of sweet espresso goodness sitting in the bottom of the cup, destined for the trash. After all, it probably cost me 28 cents alone! It's the principle of good stewardship!
I don't know why it took me seven months to finish the book, other than a few distractions in my life such as, hmmm...a move, three job changes, addition of ministries, weekly meal planning, vacuuming, dusting, and extensive hand-holding sessions with my new husband. When does a girl have time to read?!
However, since I am not a quitter (except for two jobs, but that's a separate issue...), I began carrying Don Miller's book with me, much as I do my red leather-bound Bible, hoping this would help me take a few minutes here and there to immerse myself in the highly anti-religious, relational vs. formulaic discussion of Christian Spirituality. Yet one cannot read Miller's stuff "here and there". It's not like a novel. Perhaps this is why I kept feeling as though I were experiencing bouts of ADD every time I removed the bookmark and started to read. It was and is frustrating because I really like Don Miller's stuff!
At times I am so distracted by everything that I think I really do have ADD. It takes a lot, anymore, to slow down enough to quiet the heart while living in such a fast-paced culture. At least I find that true for me. Knowing this, I have to consciously make opportunities available, kind of force myself to sit still in order to gain some perspective. Scripture and authors like Don Miller help me keep that perspective. Reading is probably the biggest stress reliever for me, aside from writing, that is.
Whenever I read anything that makes me think, I get this sudden urge to write. (Thus, a new blog!) Writing is very therapeutic for me, and sometimes I even feel guilty for putting off the journaling of my thoughts and inner struggles. I believe God made me this way, to process life through written word. It helps me to recognize and, in turn, remember what God is doing in my life. It's as if writing is a first-person conversation with God. And I believe He gets some sort of glory from that. It is when I neglect to make time to write that I don't get that sense of self-examination. Issues become easier to push back and pretend they don't exist when they are not thoroughly processed. I feel like many of the lessons God intends me to "get" and apply become fragmented and optional, instead of essential to the well-being of my heart, essential as God Himself. That sounds heavy, but I just think Satan knows how spiritual it is for me to write, just like he knows prayer and Bible study leads to spiritual growth. Therefore, he does everything he can to keep me away from these most beneficial activities. I will even go as far as to say writing causes me to desire spending devotional time with God because, for some reason, I can't be fake when I write. Writing pulls out what's inside - both hearts, new and old; the smiles and the scars; the joy and the pain. For some reason the keyboard does not let me hide.
I would like to say I am turning over a new leaf this day, that I will from now on carve out a half hour every day to pour out raw thought in blog form. But I just finished Don Miller's book. That practice would be formula, and you and I both know that such specific discipline turns into ritual, and ritual into hum drum. I am on a journey to find out what abundant life in Christ is all about, and I know from too many experiences that I will find only the opposite if I fix my spiritual life into a box like that. Since Christianity is relational, it is also personal. God made unique individuals, did He not? So within the realm God's character as well as the essentials of the faith, we are each free to desire Him and seek Him and grow in Him in the way that actually works for us. John Piper would say that a huge aspect of our obedience to God is the joy we pursue in Him. There must be both. And wouldn't you want both? Not in a way that works for someone else, but for you? So much of my Christian life has been an attempt to emulate the spiritual lives of others. So much of it has been trite and dry. Abundant life, eh? Well I know it is available because of all the ways it is sprinkled in the words of Jesus throughout the New Testament. (See Ephesians 3:20, John 10:10, and I Corinthians 2:9.) But how do I experience it? How do spiritual activities keep their luster and shine when life feels dull and I feel drained?
I think the gist is summed up in John 17:3, which gives us the object or source of our abundant life, "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." My quest, then, is to know God. This quest is as unique to me as it is for you, although always stemming from Christ. Without Him we simply cannot know God. But since the way has been made, why not act upon it? He is within our grasp but so infrequently do I reach for Him. I claw the air for something to fulfill me, but He is so big and so present that I sometimes miss Him!
When I tell people I used to live five minutes from the ever famous Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota (ok, so it's the only claim to fame we've got a leg to stand on...although there is the Mary Tyler Moore house...), they ask me how often I would venture there. I tell them I lived next door the "Mega Mall" for a whole year and I probably visited the place a total of three times. Most of those times were to entertain out-of-town guests with the roller coaster contained in the mall's indoor amusement park. People can't believe I could live so close to such an attraction and hardly take advantage of it! I'm sure people who live five minutes from Disneyland could resonate with me. Or perhaps individuals who live next door to a famous person but never ask them over for coffee.
Simply, we gravitate toward things which are unfamiliar. New places, events, experiences - those usually within at least a four-hour drive of our homes! In this way, I always marvel at the concept of vacation. Why is it that we would rather spend half our vacation leave sitting in stuffy airports or stuffy cars in order to experience beauty and excitement in some other place? Why don't we just drive across town and eat at the city's favorite restaurant? Why don't we take a picnic to the local nature center? Why do we like to visit every other state capitol except ours? There is so much we can enjoy within a stone's throw that we rarely take advantage of. I lived in Minnesota most of my life, and never made it to the Boundary Waters. Even a jaunt into downtown St. Paul for a concert was "big doin's"!
As another example, my family used to take summer road trips all around the country to experience the "other". In fact, while I was growing up we took at least two trips to Washington D.C. That's a 20+ hour drive nonstop! We visited every monument, statue, and historical site within the vicinity, my mother envisioning the finished photo album every step of the way. Now I live just 90 minutes south of D.C. and have never gone site-seeing in the last year and a half I've been here! How pathetic. It's at least ten times cheaper a trip! Where did the excitement go?
The point is, we get used to things and they lose their interest. Unfortunately, it seems we have even grown used to (or perhaps distracted ourselves from) the omnipresence of the God of the universe, so much so that our desire to be with Him has greatly dimmed. Christ is no longer novel, just like the places and attractions that draw tourists to our area no longer appeal to us. Have we figured out God?! If we think of Him as old hat we don't really know Him! Or, at least, we forget how much we enjoy Him until we taste Him once again. Until we take that stroll around the neighborhood park and remember how fun it is to ride the swings!
We forget that the greatness of the experiences God allows us are so that in our enjoyment of them, we would magnify Him. Yet, too often we focus on the created, overlooking the Creator. These things are but hints of His greatness. If we would only look through the wonders of this world instead of at them, maybe then our wonder will turn to Him. Maybe then we would no longer be satisfied with what once caused us to shiver with excitement here on earth, because we would have caught a glimpse of something better. He is always there, which is different than all those other things in life we take for granted because they will pass away. God remains.
If we would only take time to pursue God like we pursue ski trips and exotic cruises, would we find that same psyched up feeling swell our hearts? I would say so. I think we start to pursue God, and then before we can blink we are back to pursuing ourselves. Our hearts deceive ourselves into thinking we are still pursuing God, but because the journey has left us bored, it has to mean God is no longer in the equation. If we would stay on the God-quest, I believe we would discover new things about Him we never knew existed. Our understanding of God's character would become clearer than ever before and then, in turn, our love and desire for Him would grow to new heights. I would venture to guess that God would seem new to us every day! After all, God created novel.
I think if I get to that point in my Christian journey, I will have begun to understand abundant life. In fact, I'll bet the experience most likely precedes the revelation! The pursuit of God probably is the abundant life, just like writing for me is both a spiritual process and a great interest. At any rate, we'll see where this takes me.
Thanks, Don Miller, for getting me to write again. I wonder what I will read next...
btw...Happy 6-month, Jeromy!
I don't know why it took me seven months to finish the book, other than a few distractions in my life such as, hmmm...a move, three job changes, addition of ministries, weekly meal planning, vacuuming, dusting, and extensive hand-holding sessions with my new husband. When does a girl have time to read?!
However, since I am not a quitter (except for two jobs, but that's a separate issue...), I began carrying Don Miller's book with me, much as I do my red leather-bound Bible, hoping this would help me take a few minutes here and there to immerse myself in the highly anti-religious, relational vs. formulaic discussion of Christian Spirituality. Yet one cannot read Miller's stuff "here and there". It's not like a novel. Perhaps this is why I kept feeling as though I were experiencing bouts of ADD every time I removed the bookmark and started to read. It was and is frustrating because I really like Don Miller's stuff!
At times I am so distracted by everything that I think I really do have ADD. It takes a lot, anymore, to slow down enough to quiet the heart while living in such a fast-paced culture. At least I find that true for me. Knowing this, I have to consciously make opportunities available, kind of force myself to sit still in order to gain some perspective. Scripture and authors like Don Miller help me keep that perspective. Reading is probably the biggest stress reliever for me, aside from writing, that is.
Whenever I read anything that makes me think, I get this sudden urge to write. (Thus, a new blog!) Writing is very therapeutic for me, and sometimes I even feel guilty for putting off the journaling of my thoughts and inner struggles. I believe God made me this way, to process life through written word. It helps me to recognize and, in turn, remember what God is doing in my life. It's as if writing is a first-person conversation with God. And I believe He gets some sort of glory from that. It is when I neglect to make time to write that I don't get that sense of self-examination. Issues become easier to push back and pretend they don't exist when they are not thoroughly processed. I feel like many of the lessons God intends me to "get" and apply become fragmented and optional, instead of essential to the well-being of my heart, essential as God Himself. That sounds heavy, but I just think Satan knows how spiritual it is for me to write, just like he knows prayer and Bible study leads to spiritual growth. Therefore, he does everything he can to keep me away from these most beneficial activities. I will even go as far as to say writing causes me to desire spending devotional time with God because, for some reason, I can't be fake when I write. Writing pulls out what's inside - both hearts, new and old; the smiles and the scars; the joy and the pain. For some reason the keyboard does not let me hide.
I would like to say I am turning over a new leaf this day, that I will from now on carve out a half hour every day to pour out raw thought in blog form. But I just finished Don Miller's book. That practice would be formula, and you and I both know that such specific discipline turns into ritual, and ritual into hum drum. I am on a journey to find out what abundant life in Christ is all about, and I know from too many experiences that I will find only the opposite if I fix my spiritual life into a box like that. Since Christianity is relational, it is also personal. God made unique individuals, did He not? So within the realm God's character as well as the essentials of the faith, we are each free to desire Him and seek Him and grow in Him in the way that actually works for us. John Piper would say that a huge aspect of our obedience to God is the joy we pursue in Him. There must be both. And wouldn't you want both? Not in a way that works for someone else, but for you? So much of my Christian life has been an attempt to emulate the spiritual lives of others. So much of it has been trite and dry. Abundant life, eh? Well I know it is available because of all the ways it is sprinkled in the words of Jesus throughout the New Testament. (See Ephesians 3:20, John 10:10, and I Corinthians 2:9.) But how do I experience it? How do spiritual activities keep their luster and shine when life feels dull and I feel drained?
I think the gist is summed up in John 17:3, which gives us the object or source of our abundant life, "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." My quest, then, is to know God. This quest is as unique to me as it is for you, although always stemming from Christ. Without Him we simply cannot know God. But since the way has been made, why not act upon it? He is within our grasp but so infrequently do I reach for Him. I claw the air for something to fulfill me, but He is so big and so present that I sometimes miss Him!
When I tell people I used to live five minutes from the ever famous Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota (ok, so it's the only claim to fame we've got a leg to stand on...although there is the Mary Tyler Moore house...), they ask me how often I would venture there. I tell them I lived next door the "Mega Mall" for a whole year and I probably visited the place a total of three times. Most of those times were to entertain out-of-town guests with the roller coaster contained in the mall's indoor amusement park. People can't believe I could live so close to such an attraction and hardly take advantage of it! I'm sure people who live five minutes from Disneyland could resonate with me. Or perhaps individuals who live next door to a famous person but never ask them over for coffee.
Simply, we gravitate toward things which are unfamiliar. New places, events, experiences - those usually within at least a four-hour drive of our homes! In this way, I always marvel at the concept of vacation. Why is it that we would rather spend half our vacation leave sitting in stuffy airports or stuffy cars in order to experience beauty and excitement in some other place? Why don't we just drive across town and eat at the city's favorite restaurant? Why don't we take a picnic to the local nature center? Why do we like to visit every other state capitol except ours? There is so much we can enjoy within a stone's throw that we rarely take advantage of. I lived in Minnesota most of my life, and never made it to the Boundary Waters. Even a jaunt into downtown St. Paul for a concert was "big doin's"!
As another example, my family used to take summer road trips all around the country to experience the "other". In fact, while I was growing up we took at least two trips to Washington D.C. That's a 20+ hour drive nonstop! We visited every monument, statue, and historical site within the vicinity, my mother envisioning the finished photo album every step of the way. Now I live just 90 minutes south of D.C. and have never gone site-seeing in the last year and a half I've been here! How pathetic. It's at least ten times cheaper a trip! Where did the excitement go?
The point is, we get used to things and they lose their interest. Unfortunately, it seems we have even grown used to (or perhaps distracted ourselves from) the omnipresence of the God of the universe, so much so that our desire to be with Him has greatly dimmed. Christ is no longer novel, just like the places and attractions that draw tourists to our area no longer appeal to us. Have we figured out God?! If we think of Him as old hat we don't really know Him! Or, at least, we forget how much we enjoy Him until we taste Him once again. Until we take that stroll around the neighborhood park and remember how fun it is to ride the swings!
We forget that the greatness of the experiences God allows us are so that in our enjoyment of them, we would magnify Him. Yet, too often we focus on the created, overlooking the Creator. These things are but hints of His greatness. If we would only look through the wonders of this world instead of at them, maybe then our wonder will turn to Him. Maybe then we would no longer be satisfied with what once caused us to shiver with excitement here on earth, because we would have caught a glimpse of something better. He is always there, which is different than all those other things in life we take for granted because they will pass away. God remains.
If we would only take time to pursue God like we pursue ski trips and exotic cruises, would we find that same psyched up feeling swell our hearts? I would say so. I think we start to pursue God, and then before we can blink we are back to pursuing ourselves. Our hearts deceive ourselves into thinking we are still pursuing God, but because the journey has left us bored, it has to mean God is no longer in the equation. If we would stay on the God-quest, I believe we would discover new things about Him we never knew existed. Our understanding of God's character would become clearer than ever before and then, in turn, our love and desire for Him would grow to new heights. I would venture to guess that God would seem new to us every day! After all, God created novel.
I think if I get to that point in my Christian journey, I will have begun to understand abundant life. In fact, I'll bet the experience most likely precedes the revelation! The pursuit of God probably is the abundant life, just like writing for me is both a spiritual process and a great interest. At any rate, we'll see where this takes me.
Thanks, Don Miller, for getting me to write again. I wonder what I will read next...
btw...Happy 6-month, Jeromy!
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