I have a degree in Education, and yet I knew during my freshman year of college that I would never be a teacher. I've taught Sunday School and Junior Church (and love that), but I can't imagine myself in a classroom of 20 kids with parents breathing down my neck. I saw just enough of that during my 10 weeks of student teaching, TYVM!
For a while I was feeling like a rebel against God's will. Why would He lead me through all four years of the education program at Pillsbury if He didn't want me to teach -- only to work as a nanny after graduation? I felt like I was running from something hard and undesirable, and I that if I didn't want to do it, then maybe God didn't want me to either...BUT maybe He did, and I was being selfish by doing my own thing.
And who really knows?
People talk about God's "perfect will" and his "make-do-with-the-poor-choices-of-sinners will". You know, when God re-directs, turns us around, closes doors, etc. Well I can't explain God and the way His sovereignty works in harmony with man's free will, but I take consolation in his foreknowledge as backup. :) And I can't even explain how THAT ability plays out in His plan, since time doesn't even actually exist! So all I really have left is simple trust, if I can dig around long enough in my heart to find it. I digress...
So here I am, still no desire to teach beyond the confines of volunteer church ministry, but, unbelievably, I am still actually using my degree!!! Well, not technically, but at least it helped boost my resume! I am actually using more of my nanny experiential wisdom in my present job than anything else. I don't know if this is where God meant for me to go, from His eternal perspective, but in some crazy God-sized way, I am exactly where He wants me now. I can't say for sure if He ever wants me to teach (please no, please no!!), but it's only NOW that I have to worry about...or rather, focus on.
Last Fall while I was still doing the head-holding, gum-suctioning in oral surgery, I finally relented to this most likely false nagging in my head that I at least needed to give teaching a chance. I applied as a substitute at the local Christian school. I was on edge the whole time, scared beyond all sense, and yet I was proud of myself for at least finding out if teaching could ever be any sort of option for me. The faculty seemed so excited to see me, I expected a call right away. Well I waited...and waited. A month later I thought, "this is crazy," and I applied to other non-teaching positions in totally unrelated fields. And eventually I got hired to take calls from community parents looking for licensed child care and offering them counseling! And I don't even have kids!
Once I received this job, I immediately assumed this would finally close the door on the teaching issue. God had answered my nagging guilt and was more than pleased with my effort to give Him and His will (perfect or otherwise) a chance, as if the whole thing were a test and I had passed by taking the high road. And now I do not need to expect any call to the classroom ever again.
*sigh*
Sometimes I still catch myself with that mindset, as though I have discerned the mind of God in this regard and that I know God will never ask me to teach. And it's still totally my choice, I know that well. But if I don't care enough to even pray about it, can I really say this is God's will? Probably not....at least in one sense. I keep telling myself that if God wants me to teach someday, then He's going to have to give me the desire to teach, or it's a sure sign it's NOT His will. I think, "Well, one ought to enjoy teaching or one will surely inflict a negative influence on those students!" The excuses are endless.
Well, I know there are a million things in life I would rather not do that are, in fact, His will. Making dinner (I despise cooking), working out (especially at 6a.m.!), maintaining a positive attitude (I have a worry tendency) and, at times, speaking to my husband with humility (I am always right, after all!). These are just hard things, and yet they are God's will. So I know that "desire" logic doesn't work.
I do know that there is nothing God calls me to do that will not bring me joy in some form. I just don't like doing things unless on my own tems and in my own time. If someone tells me to do something, I internally feel defensive because even though I may very well want to do that thing, the fact that I wasn't the one to bring it up or decide when and how to do it somehow makes me mad! Isn't that annoying? I don't get that. But since God knows me better than I do, I know I need to work on resting in His ability to appoint tasks and roles that are suited for me whenever and however He sees fit (even if that includes teaching one day). Is it as easy as that? No. And why is resting the most difficult thing in life? (but that's another blog). I'm sure I'll still put up a fuss and pound the floor with my fists a few times, but He'll bring me around.
For now I'll just relish this moment because it could change in a heartbeat. Looking back I see clearly the string of events (bread crumbs, I like to call it!) that brought me to this place and time. A college diploma, a few mistakes made and lessons learned, a pressing through the unknown, a purchased plane ticket, and a hope and anticipation for something good. And it's ALWAYS good.
btw, the principal of that Christian school goes to my church, and I sat next to her last week during the service, and she didn't even remember where she knew me from! ha!
