My dad is in the hospital. Again. Actually, he has been for a few days now. Everything was going great and he was making progress at the TCU, but then he somehow caught pneumonia and developed a blood clot in his lung. Jeromy and I spoke with my dad over the phone just the night before they re-admitted him and he sounded as well as everyone there had been stating. He seemed the most alert that we've noticed, sounded positive, and even cracked a few jokes! I guess pneumonia can come upon slowly and then hit a person like a hurricane. Needless to say, these events have caused quite a set-back.
The original goal was for my dad to remain at the TCU until his immune system and muscles became strong enough to endure chemo therapy. Now that his lungs are listed as susceptible to blood clots, the TCU will not allow him to return. Presently, they have him in the Telemetry (heart) wing of the hospital to monitor the clot, and then will move him to the cancer floor. Yesterday afternoon Jeromy and I phoned into a re-grouping “care conference” to reassess treatment goals and figure out where to go from here. We are no longer looking at the same goals.
My dad has only grown weaker and is still very thin. Yet, he has been a champion at eating, despite his lack of appetite. He has received ten times better the nutrition than he has over probably the last two decades! Always on the run with his trucking job, he used to consume two meals a day instead of three, and maybe a snack of a Kwik Trip hot dog or McDonald’s hamburger. So to know he is eating three nutritional squares a day was something I had been hoping to play up as encouragement for him to continue. Once we get him eating well, I thought, then his immune system can follow, and then with continued rehab, we can kick this cancer with chemo!
Due to the recent changes, however, it sounds like chemo is no longer the glimmering option we once thought. I am still a little confused on the specific reasoning, but all of a sudden in the care conference we were talking about terms such as “comfort care” and “hospice” instead of palliative care and chemo and getting stronger and going home! The doctor heading up the meeting went as far as to say the chances of taking chemo have since fallen into pretty much the miracle category. And without chemo, unless God seriously intervenes here, my dad has just a few short months left with us.
All this in a matter of a few days! What is the deal here?! Of course, there is no way I am going to give up even the slightest bit of hope I have that my dad can get strong enough to receive treatment. He has just faced a lot of difficult hurdles all at the same time: the cancer itself; major surgery; wound infections; fevers; complete muscle, energy, and appetite loss; and now pneumonia and blood clots. Actually, when you consider all of these things, fact that my dad is still fighting is in itself a miracle! And although I have said in previous posts that we do not place our trust in doctors or rehab or chemo, it is difficult not to question how circumstances which looked even a little optimistic just the other day have so quickly and drastically turned for the worst. I know the story is not over yet, and that anything can happen, but we are naturally discouraged. We are left with a lot of decisions, which are painful no matter how you approach them.
Simply, we are losing a great man who has already dealt with more hardship in his life than a lot of people (although, I know hardship is so extremely relative). I told Jeromy last night that if this is God’s way of quickly taking my dad “home”, I hope God more than restores all of the brokenness he has experienced in his life, even beyond what the average Christian can look forward to. And I know I am talking crazy and out of my head because I know that the least of Heaven will wildly exceed the expectations of every believer combined. Still, I want my dad to draw his first spirit breath assured that every heartache and suffering he ever experienced on earth was worth even that first tastes of Heaven. And I know that’s how it will be. But I still have this overwhelming desire for God to extend bigger grace to him, whatever that even looks like.
Perhaps God also wishes to extend bigger mercy to my dad, and I'm not dismissing the fact that these turn of events could be just that. While I want my dad to stick around and live life as long as possible, I also don’t want to see him go through a lot of pain and misery. If his quality of life is going to be poor, maybe the best thing is for God to take him out of his diseased body and heal him for real. For good. The hardest thing for me is not that my dad could pass away in the near future, it has more to do with watching him struggle through this and not being able to make any of it go away.
And for some reason it has not been easy to pray for my dad. I think there are possibly a couple of variables causing this. For one, there are so very many people all across the nation who continually tell us they are daily lifting my dad up in prayer. Perhaps I am unconsciously using this as a cop-out. It's just easier to let others pray my prayers. The truth is that God can use my prayers too! This is my dad and I should be the one praying the longest and hardest!
As much as I have read and studied (even taken a college theology course), I don’t think I will ever be able to crack the mystery of prayer. God seems to move with or without prayer, in which His will is always carried out. Yet there is no question in my mind that God uses (and probably prefers to use) the prayers of believers as part of the process. What a blessing for Him to have His children come to Him in their time of need! And what a blessing for His children to, in this specific way, take part in God’s plan! We pray for what we want and need with the understanding that God will always do what is best, regardless of how our emotions might bend those prayers.
People from my family’s every acquaintance have bowed the knee on behalf of my dad. I’m sure most are praying for miraculous healing, life-extending control of the disease, quality of life, grace, mercy, or all of the above. Hopefully each of them are also praying for God’s will at the same time. I know am covering all the above, because I don’t know the mind of God in this situation. I only know that God is good and, despite my struggle with faith, I have no doubt that His goodness will reflect in every way regarding His plan for my dad. That’s all I know. And that’s all I should have to know.
The other reason I think prayer for my dad has been tough is because it instantly reveals emotions that are difficult. Distance certainly plays into this. When we were in Minnesota my dad's situation was all I could think about all week, as I had absolutely nothing else to think about. I was allowed to let the circumstances consume me. It was the reason we were there. But now I am a thousand miles away and, while I don't want to become desensitized to what my family is dealing with back home (and the truth is, we are still dealing with it here!), it cannot control my thoughts and energy as before. I still have to work. I still have to concentrate on the tasks at hand and, as difficult as it is, continue to live life here in Maryland.
I have felt torn this way ever since we returned from Minnesota two weeks ago. I fear that if I think too much and allow my heart to actually feel, I will become worthless in my responsibilities and I will feel all the more helpless in that I am here and my family is there. It is easier to just stick with the facts. Keep my emotions at a safe distance since out here I am not given the time nor the freedom I need to fully express them. So I hold back.
In that light, I need prayer. Pray that I might pray for my dad, and that in praying, I might discover the blessing in the process.
I was driving home from work yesterday (shortly after the tele-care conference) thinking about all of these things, while sounds from a CD drifted in and out of my consciousness. Jeromy had received a gift card for CBD for his birthday last month, and he had a little money leftover and wanted me to pick out a CD. I chose the latest offering from Sara Groves, "Tell Me What You Know". I had never actually purchased anything by her before, but I love the radio singles with her thoughtful voice and poignant lyrical style. Well, and she's a fellow Minnesotan, what can I say?
I'm funny about listening to a new CD. If I pop it on in the car I often get stuck on a certain song, so that I keep it on repeat until I know it by heart, having not even finished listening to the rest of the songs! With Sara Groves I got stuck on track #6 because of its easy harmony, and I didn't move beyond track #6 until yesterday's drive home.
I have to be honest that I'm sometimes tempted to lay out a fleece. The whole, 'God, if I do this, You prove you're there by doing this or that'. I know it's old testament and that God doesn't work that way these days, and besides, it shows a lack of faith. In defense, I claim Mark 9:24. I certainly don't mean to do this, and it's usually not serious, but more like a cry out for a little compassion. As I was driving and thinking and half-listening to Sara's soothing melodies, an entirely random thought came into my head, which prompted me to skip to track #9. I just needed something, and I thought maybe there would be a song on the CD that might speak to my family's situation. God's Word encourages, but there are definitely many other way in which He draws near to us. I had no idea that the song for track #9 was called "It Might Be Hope" until I got to the chorus. And while I know that God is always there, I seemed to especially realize it in the three minutes that followed. The lyrics indeed spoke to my heart and turned it to Emmanuel at a much needed moment.
I am becoming more and more of a believer in a God Who pours out His compassion to those who seek it and even to those who need it and are not aware of their need. I have experienced both.
IT MIGHT BE HOPE
You do your work the best that you can
you put one foot in front of the other
life comes in waves and makes it's demands
you hold on as well as your able
You've been here for a long long time
Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope
It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
it's been dark since you can remember
you talk it all through to find it a name
as days go on by without number
You've been here for a long long time
Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope
- Sara Groves
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
In other news...
My brother, Justin and his wife, Bekka just welcomed their first child into the world on Tuesday, February 26, 2008. Scarlett Kay Nelson was born at 6:35pm central time, weighing 8lb 11oz and measuring 21 inches long. This little one is my parents' first grandchild! (And the pressure is off of us for a while!) We are hoping she will be able to take my dad's mind off his cancer and instead focus his heart on his God and his family.
proud daddy Justin, proud grandma, Linda
Mommy Bekka and baby
Going out in that nasty Minnesota weather! She looks half like Mommy and half like Daddy!
Happy family!
Stealing his heart already!
Finally home!
proud daddy Justin, proud grandma, Linda
Mommy Bekka and baby
Going out in that nasty Minnesota weather! She looks half like Mommy and half like Daddy!
Happy family!
Stealing his heart already!
Finally home!
Friday, February 22, 2008
Another 3-Day Weekend
I'm in the middle of working on other posts but I keep getting side-tracked. Would you believe school children all over Maryland, DC, and Virginia (and the staff at SMCCRC) all get to enjoy yet another snow day?!
Technically, it's a freezing rain day but a day nonetheless, in which I do not need to go into work. Never mind that I have a ton of follow-up calls to complete by the end of the month, not to mention a hefty stack of Spring die cut samples yet to make for new providers. Eh. Cuddling up on the couch in my husband's fleece for a blogging session strikes my fancy a little bit more than interrupting parents who are presently dealing with their kids out of school, only to ask how they might rate our child care referral service! Yes, blogging is much more fun! The Bible is read, the house is clean, and there are leftovers for dinner; any blogger knows what naturally comes next on the list!
I awoke at 5am this morning to check the school closing status of our county. At first St. Mary's didn't make the list. Not even a 2 hour delay! There had been so much hype all week about this treacherous "winter weather" looming across the region that I found it difficult not to get my hopes up. The hype had unfortunately dwindled by last night, so I couldn't assume we would be off today. (Wow, I am so morbid, wishing for dangerously bad weather!) As far as I could tell by looking outside, light rain was all we were getting. Though I realized the unlikeliness of another snow day, I was still disappointed to discover that neighboring Calvert County had closed, but not we. There would be no jumping back in bed for me.
For once Jeromy and I had actually stayed up past 11:00 last night, much later than we normally call it a night. I could have used a few more winks, although I am not one to take naps. Yet I love the fact that it was this culprit, which kept us up! I had made chili for dinner and so we invited company over to share it with us. After our guest left for the evening Jeromy and I spent a few mindless minutes surfing channels on TV, but when we landed on the Weta station I shouted to my husband from the depths of my being, "Stop!!!" And then we didn't move for two whole hours. Now Jeromy's all into it! I figure a girl should get to have her turn, particularly after sitting through every minute of the Lord of the Rings movies. However, since the two of us normally do not stay up past 9pm, we will have to rent us a copy so Jeromy can quit biting his nails in suspenseful wonder of whether Lizzie and Darcy will ever get over themselves and get together! (Is this too freakish, or is this every wife's dream?) He will be quoting lines like the rest of us soon enough! I can see him at work now: "I shall conquer this, I shall!" Sort of a replacement to the Staples' slogan, "That was easy!" However, I don't think I could get used to Jeromy calling me "the handsomest woman of his acquaintance" in public or in private. I may need to restrain his enthusiasm if it gets too out of control!
Back at the ranch...for the purpose of nothing more than rebelling against the realization that I would need to start getting ready for work, I decided to make breakfast and instead continue watching the news and checking the district website. You just never know! I couldn't believe it when I refreshed the screen at 5:30 on the dot to watch the status miraculously change from "Normal" to "Closed". I refreshed the screen a few more times just to be sure I wasn't seeing things. But two minutes later the weather man on the news confirmed the closing. Yippee for icy roads!
I love my job, but I also love days off! I work in a very small office, not even twenty of us. A few of the more middle-aged ladies have - more than once - referred to themselves as the "Pampered Princesses". Now, I have not officially joined their ranks, but I do enjoy a few of the perks!
And on a Friday and non-workout day, too! Oh, they shouldn't have! This meant actual snuggle time in the morning with Jeromy (oh the days before kids!) and even a spontaneous trip to Dunkin' Donuts where we snagged an excellent deal combining coupons with a promotion they are having this week! Plus, the nice cashier allowed me to keep my coupon to use next time and still marked down the price! Whenever does that happen? You would think paying $3.50 for two medium lattes and two donuts would keep anyone permanently out of Starbucks, but these lattes tasted a little too fake for my preference. Yet they served up the necessary latte "fix" and offered the inexpensive novelty of an unexpected early morning coffee date.
Doesn't get much better than that!
Technically, it's a freezing rain day but a day nonetheless, in which I do not need to go into work. Never mind that I have a ton of follow-up calls to complete by the end of the month, not to mention a hefty stack of Spring die cut samples yet to make for new providers. Eh. Cuddling up on the couch in my husband's fleece for a blogging session strikes my fancy a little bit more than interrupting parents who are presently dealing with their kids out of school, only to ask how they might rate our child care referral service! Yes, blogging is much more fun! The Bible is read, the house is clean, and there are leftovers for dinner; any blogger knows what naturally comes next on the list!
I awoke at 5am this morning to check the school closing status of our county. At first St. Mary's didn't make the list. Not even a 2 hour delay! There had been so much hype all week about this treacherous "winter weather" looming across the region that I found it difficult not to get my hopes up. The hype had unfortunately dwindled by last night, so I couldn't assume we would be off today. (Wow, I am so morbid, wishing for dangerously bad weather!) As far as I could tell by looking outside, light rain was all we were getting. Though I realized the unlikeliness of another snow day, I was still disappointed to discover that neighboring Calvert County had closed, but not we. There would be no jumping back in bed for me.
For once Jeromy and I had actually stayed up past 11:00 last night, much later than we normally call it a night. I could have used a few more winks, although I am not one to take naps. Yet I love the fact that it was this culprit, which kept us up! I had made chili for dinner and so we invited company over to share it with us. After our guest left for the evening Jeromy and I spent a few mindless minutes surfing channels on TV, but when we landed on the Weta station I shouted to my husband from the depths of my being, "Stop!!!" And then we didn't move for two whole hours. Now Jeromy's all into it! I figure a girl should get to have her turn, particularly after sitting through every minute of the Lord of the Rings movies. However, since the two of us normally do not stay up past 9pm, we will have to rent us a copy so Jeromy can quit biting his nails in suspenseful wonder of whether Lizzie and Darcy will ever get over themselves and get together! (Is this too freakish, or is this every wife's dream?) He will be quoting lines like the rest of us soon enough! I can see him at work now: "I shall conquer this, I shall!" Sort of a replacement to the Staples' slogan, "That was easy!" However, I don't think I could get used to Jeromy calling me "the handsomest woman of his acquaintance" in public or in private. I may need to restrain his enthusiasm if it gets too out of control!
Back at the ranch...for the purpose of nothing more than rebelling against the realization that I would need to start getting ready for work, I decided to make breakfast and instead continue watching the news and checking the district website. You just never know! I couldn't believe it when I refreshed the screen at 5:30 on the dot to watch the status miraculously change from "Normal" to "Closed". I refreshed the screen a few more times just to be sure I wasn't seeing things. But two minutes later the weather man on the news confirmed the closing. Yippee for icy roads!
I love my job, but I also love days off! I work in a very small office, not even twenty of us. A few of the more middle-aged ladies have - more than once - referred to themselves as the "Pampered Princesses". Now, I have not officially joined their ranks, but I do enjoy a few of the perks!
And on a Friday and non-workout day, too! Oh, they shouldn't have! This meant actual snuggle time in the morning with Jeromy (oh the days before kids!) and even a spontaneous trip to Dunkin' Donuts where we snagged an excellent deal combining coupons with a promotion they are having this week! Plus, the nice cashier allowed me to keep my coupon to use next time and still marked down the price! Whenever does that happen? You would think paying $3.50 for two medium lattes and two donuts would keep anyone permanently out of Starbucks, but these lattes tasted a little too fake for my preference. Yet they served up the necessary latte "fix" and offered the inexpensive novelty of an unexpected early morning coffee date.
Doesn't get much better than that!
Monday, February 18, 2008
dress in layers
Forgive me, but my technologically novice brain just learned how to embed a link, and I ran with it!
As I type, it is a sunny, pleasantly breezy 72 degrees down here in Southern Maryland (capris weather!), and I just came back from a refreshing afternoon spent running errands! Refreshing, in that I'm not stuck all day in that stuffy phone room! But oh, to be sitting right now with my sweetie on the dock at Piney Point Lighthouse, one of our favorite places and actually, the site of our engagement! That would cap the afternoon with perfection! Maybe I'll have to talk him into a short jaunt after dinner. The lighthouse stands almost literally down the road from us!
But wait! Didn't we just have a snow day?!
Normally, I groan when the mercury climbs above 50, and sometimes above 40! I have thus far thoroughly enjoyed wearing long pants and sweaters for the last few months. I'm definitely not ready for the Great Maryland Sweat quite yet! Yet today is just nice.
Winters here are generally short-lived and mild, although sometimes you just never know what you're going to get! As far as this formerly (and happily) frozen Minnesotan is concerned, there are few redeeming qualities of a Southern Maryland "Winter". Only three that I can think of off the top of my head.
For one, the fact that drive through ice cream stands such as Brusters remain open year round. Seriously, every Friday night in January you will see a line of people with zipped-up coats and gloves on, debating between a sundae and a split! And I thought I was the hearty one!
I can label the second quality only slightly redeeming, and that is because it is a quality which, in the summer, I no less than abhor. And that is, damp air. Hallelujah, no static, fly-away hair! Earlier in the month when we were in Minnesota, I dealt with some extremely dry air. I can't believe I had forgotten this vice, which I had encountered and constantly fought with my whole life up until 2 1/2 years ago! The whole week Jeromy asked why I was continually licking my fingers. Well, I didn't exactly carry a spray bottle around on my person, and nobody likes their hair sticking to their neck and chin all day! What was worse, we spent most of our stay in the hospital with my dad, an environment regulated to block all moisture from the air for the purpose of constant sterilization. My hair looked great as I looked in the mirror at the motel every morning, but I quickly and sadly learned that a ponytail would be in order the rest of the day.
NOT so in Southern Maryland! Fly-aways do not survive these wet winters! However, what I won't get into just yet are the nasty, wet-blanket-muggy summers we must suffer through. You will do well to trust me on this. If you do not own a boat or live on the water or both, you are better off staying put exactly where you are!
I alluded to the third redeeming quality of Southern Maryland Winters when I mentioned our raging blizzard of a snow day last Thursday. One measly inch! If that. And the last flake fell long before the light of day! Inclement weather, ha! It snowed every single day we spent in Minnesota, with conditions at least 10 times worse than here! But of course, the Midwest is much better prepared for that sort of weather, so I guess I can't poke fun TOO horribly at the sissies who live here.
The best part about the Great Valentine's Day White Out was that every last bit of snow melted by the end of the day, with high daytime temperatures reaching 50 degrees! I LOVE the fact that Southern Marylanders can't deal with snow! I don't even care if that puts me into the sissy category if it means I get to play hooky!
Now, I don't know who came up with the policy that should county schools ever delay or close that my office follows suit, but I have absolutely no complaints whatsoever! This was our first official snow day of the winter, although we were delayed two hours one morning a couple of months ago (of which I was oblivious to until I pulled into an empty parking lot at work and at which point I doodled around for the two whole hours before even considering starting up the copy machine!). Most often the schools close due to ice (but they flinch at the very rumor of white stuff all the same), just because we tend to get more freezing rain than snow. Ice does scare me, but I am more afraid of other people on the road who freak out and can become reckless in that state of mind. If I were Governor O'Malley, I would close schools not so much because of actual snow or ice, but because of the drivers!
What I find absolutely ironic is that last year on the very same day we got blasted with an ice storm. And it weren't no "glistening tree" icicle, either. Nobody should have been forced to go out in that skating rink; yet for some twisted reason, the governor chose to keep school in session! The weather only worsened as the day progressed. When it was finally time to leave the office I went outside to chisel my door open and scrape the windows. Had I known better I would have left early like half my co-workers, even without pay! Der!
I have to say, I'm a little paranoid about locking my keys in my car, and especially while it's running. (It's happened before!) It's so easy to accidentally press the "lock" button and not realize it, so I rarely shut the door if the keys are in the ignition. However, I have since learned to keep a spare key in my purse....but what if the purse is also in the car? (Also happened before!) Anyway, my paranoia kicked in while I was out there scraping away in the whipping wind and dangerously slippery parking lot. I just about finished when I lost my footing. My arms went up to insinctively grab the open door for support, but my head was quicker and my right temple slammed into the sharp corner of the door. I about lost consciousness, the side of my head went numb, and of course, the site of the wound started bleeding.
Long story short, I rushed home as safely as possible in that mess (head pounding all the way), and Jeromy insisted I visit the ER. We ended up staying there for FOUR hours that night because of so many people with ice-related accidents that kept coming in. There went Valentine's Day!
I know it can be difficult to predict how weather conditions will actually go down (no pun intended) but I can't for the life of me figure out why they didn't close schools last year with that crazy ice storm, and why they did close this year, which seemed like an unwise decision, with conditions clearing up by daybreak. Of course, I'm still not complaining, only wishing that I could have been spared that ER visit last year. It had cost me not only the four miserable hours, but a $50 co-pay and a tetanus shot to boot!
But while, under more typical circumstances, I breathe deeply of our Winters, today it is Spring. And a holiday, at that! I am not sure why lucky me gets all the federal holidays off while my husband has to slave away at his desk, but I am quite grateful for these few hours to not only catch up on that to-do list, but simply to rest and enjoy the day. (I have to force myself most of time!) The last few weeks especially have been a stressful whirlwind for us and, though a labor of love for my family, President's Day came just in time! Through our screen door I can hear the wind blowing, birds chirping, and neighborhood kids playing outside. You can take Southern Maryland in the summer, but I'll take today!
I can only hope for another snow day!
As I type, it is a sunny, pleasantly breezy 72 degrees down here in Southern Maryland (capris weather!), and I just came back from a refreshing afternoon spent running errands! Refreshing, in that I'm not stuck all day in that stuffy phone room! But oh, to be sitting right now with my sweetie on the dock at Piney Point Lighthouse, one of our favorite places and actually, the site of our engagement! That would cap the afternoon with perfection! Maybe I'll have to talk him into a short jaunt after dinner. The lighthouse stands almost literally down the road from us!
But wait! Didn't we just have a snow day?!
Normally, I groan when the mercury climbs above 50, and sometimes above 40! I have thus far thoroughly enjoyed wearing long pants and sweaters for the last few months. I'm definitely not ready for the Great Maryland Sweat quite yet! Yet today is just nice.
Winters here are generally short-lived and mild, although sometimes you just never know what you're going to get! As far as this formerly (and happily) frozen Minnesotan is concerned, there are few redeeming qualities of a Southern Maryland "Winter". Only three that I can think of off the top of my head.
For one, the fact that drive through ice cream stands such as Brusters remain open year round. Seriously, every Friday night in January you will see a line of people with zipped-up coats and gloves on, debating between a sundae and a split! And I thought I was the hearty one!
I can label the second quality only slightly redeeming, and that is because it is a quality which, in the summer, I no less than abhor. And that is, damp air. Hallelujah, no static, fly-away hair! Earlier in the month when we were in Minnesota, I dealt with some extremely dry air. I can't believe I had forgotten this vice, which I had encountered and constantly fought with my whole life up until 2 1/2 years ago! The whole week Jeromy asked why I was continually licking my fingers. Well, I didn't exactly carry a spray bottle around on my person, and nobody likes their hair sticking to their neck and chin all day! What was worse, we spent most of our stay in the hospital with my dad, an environment regulated to block all moisture from the air for the purpose of constant sterilization. My hair looked great as I looked in the mirror at the motel every morning, but I quickly and sadly learned that a ponytail would be in order the rest of the day.
NOT so in Southern Maryland! Fly-aways do not survive these wet winters! However, what I won't get into just yet are the nasty, wet-blanket-muggy summers we must suffer through. You will do well to trust me on this. If you do not own a boat or live on the water or both, you are better off staying put exactly where you are!
I alluded to the third redeeming quality of Southern Maryland Winters when I mentioned our raging blizzard of a snow day last Thursday. One measly inch! If that. And the last flake fell long before the light of day! Inclement weather, ha! It snowed every single day we spent in Minnesota, with conditions at least 10 times worse than here! But of course, the Midwest is much better prepared for that sort of weather, so I guess I can't poke fun TOO horribly at the sissies who live here.
The best part about the Great Valentine's Day White Out was that every last bit of snow melted by the end of the day, with high daytime temperatures reaching 50 degrees! I LOVE the fact that Southern Marylanders can't deal with snow! I don't even care if that puts me into the sissy category if it means I get to play hooky!
Now, I don't know who came up with the policy that should county schools ever delay or close that my office follows suit, but I have absolutely no complaints whatsoever! This was our first official snow day of the winter, although we were delayed two hours one morning a couple of months ago (of which I was oblivious to until I pulled into an empty parking lot at work and at which point I doodled around for the two whole hours before even considering starting up the copy machine!). Most often the schools close due to ice (but they flinch at the very rumor of white stuff all the same), just because we tend to get more freezing rain than snow. Ice does scare me, but I am more afraid of other people on the road who freak out and can become reckless in that state of mind. If I were Governor O'Malley, I would close schools not so much because of actual snow or ice, but because of the drivers!
What I find absolutely ironic is that last year on the very same day we got blasted with an ice storm. And it weren't no "glistening tree" icicle, either. Nobody should have been forced to go out in that skating rink; yet for some twisted reason, the governor chose to keep school in session! The weather only worsened as the day progressed. When it was finally time to leave the office I went outside to chisel my door open and scrape the windows. Had I known better I would have left early like half my co-workers, even without pay! Der!
I have to say, I'm a little paranoid about locking my keys in my car, and especially while it's running. (It's happened before!) It's so easy to accidentally press the "lock" button and not realize it, so I rarely shut the door if the keys are in the ignition. However, I have since learned to keep a spare key in my purse....but what if the purse is also in the car? (Also happened before!) Anyway, my paranoia kicked in while I was out there scraping away in the whipping wind and dangerously slippery parking lot. I just about finished when I lost my footing. My arms went up to insinctively grab the open door for support, but my head was quicker and my right temple slammed into the sharp corner of the door. I about lost consciousness, the side of my head went numb, and of course, the site of the wound started bleeding.
Long story short, I rushed home as safely as possible in that mess (head pounding all the way), and Jeromy insisted I visit the ER. We ended up staying there for FOUR hours that night because of so many people with ice-related accidents that kept coming in. There went Valentine's Day!
I know it can be difficult to predict how weather conditions will actually go down (no pun intended) but I can't for the life of me figure out why they didn't close schools last year with that crazy ice storm, and why they did close this year, which seemed like an unwise decision, with conditions clearing up by daybreak. Of course, I'm still not complaining, only wishing that I could have been spared that ER visit last year. It had cost me not only the four miserable hours, but a $50 co-pay and a tetanus shot to boot!
But while, under more typical circumstances, I breathe deeply of our Winters, today it is Spring. And a holiday, at that! I am not sure why lucky me gets all the federal holidays off while my husband has to slave away at his desk, but I am quite grateful for these few hours to not only catch up on that to-do list, but simply to rest and enjoy the day. (I have to force myself most of time!) The last few weeks especially have been a stressful whirlwind for us and, though a labor of love for my family, President's Day came just in time! Through our screen door I can hear the wind blowing, birds chirping, and neighborhood kids playing outside. You can take Southern Maryland in the summer, but I'll take today!
I can only hope for another snow day!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
whispering hope
All I want to do is write a fun, light-hearted post, but I can't ignore the fact that my dad has terminal cancer, and that it has so greatly impacted our lives over the past two weeks. Try as I may, it cannot be ignored.
Our trip to Minnesota was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Although we went to support and help my family in any and every way possible (and hopefully achieved that goal), the majority of the time we spent there I felt numb and helpless. I could not cry in the presence of my dad. Either that or I just refused. I did not want him to see my fear, nor cause him to focus any more on the negative. All of this has been so very hard for us as it is.
We spent most of our time at the hospital, but rented a room at the Super 8 to provide the opportunity to get away and re-group at the end of each day. This proved to be a good choice. We think our rental car may have worn a permanent trail on the road leading from the motel to the hospital. Back and forth. Get up early, stay up late. Run, run, run! Go, Jane, go!
Let me take a moment to just say how amazing my husband has been through all of this. Last week my dad repeatedly referred to Jeromy as a "tower of strength". Once we heard that my dad would not be returning to work, Jeromy volunteered to help look into early retirement. We quickly realized how unprepared my parents were for any event remotely of this size and that this would become more of a project than we bargained for. Still, Jeromy worked tirelessly to get everything sorted out and set up. We are back in Maryland and STILL working on the financial situation. (SO overwhelming.) I am extremely grateful for such a supportive, compassionate, and resourceful man who is willing to take on a load such as this for his father-in-law. He allowed me to spend much needed time just sitting with my dad while he ran ragged collecting a million official documents and applying my dad to every single available service. He is, indeed, a tower of strength.
It was absolutely fantastic to see familiar faces appear now and again at the door of my dad's room. Besides his immediate family, my dad had at least two or three different visitors every single day! Some of whom I hadn't seen in quite some time! It was nice to not have to drive all over the state to see so many family and friends, as is normally the case when we come to visit. This time everyone drove to see us! If there was one, the visitors were probably the highlight of the trip. As each visitor turned to leave I tried to stress how much of an encouragement it was for them to come, and to make sure they understood the seriousness of my dad's condition. Without being specific I was hoping they would consider paying another visit in the near future, whether in the hospital or elsewhere. To continue the support they have so far personally and publicly given. He needs it. I would be there if I could.
Probably the most difficult moment was seeing my dad for the first time. He used to be ripped. Every single day of his post-Navy existence, he has done his push-ups. He might have missed a day here and there due to an occasional case of the flu, but my dad's faithful morning push-up routine could squash the best of the best! Seeing my dad in the hospital, though, I could tell his push-ups have long since taken a sabbatical. In fact, he told us that he hasn't exercised in over two months! That should have been a sure sign something was up, although he didn't get checked out until weeks later. It was absolutely horrible to see my dad looking the way he did, especially that first night. He has lost literally every ounce of his muscle, and his skin looked like his mother's (my grandmother's) skin well into her 80's. The person I saw in that hospital bed was not my dad, but reality has it that it was and is.
The short of my dad's prognosis is that cancer will take his life. The doctors were quite clear that he has advanced stage 4 colon cancer, and because it has already devoured 3/4 of his liver and has spread to even other organs, no amount of drug therapy can cure this monster. My dad will receive what they call "palliative" care, which will involve chemo to hopefully stop future spread of the cancer cells, and even possibly shrink some of what is already there. Basically a life-prolonging method.
According to the doctors, my dad has 6-8 months to live if he decides against chemo treatment. With chemo, however, and depending on how his system responds to the drug, he could potentially live another 2-3 years. Either way, the news is hard to take.
Our trip to Minnesota was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Although we went to support and help my family in any and every way possible (and hopefully achieved that goal), the majority of the time we spent there I felt numb and helpless. I could not cry in the presence of my dad. Either that or I just refused. I did not want him to see my fear, nor cause him to focus any more on the negative. All of this has been so very hard for us as it is.
We spent most of our time at the hospital, but rented a room at the Super 8 to provide the opportunity to get away and re-group at the end of each day. This proved to be a good choice. We think our rental car may have worn a permanent trail on the road leading from the motel to the hospital. Back and forth. Get up early, stay up late. Run, run, run! Go, Jane, go!
Let me take a moment to just say how amazing my husband has been through all of this. Last week my dad repeatedly referred to Jeromy as a "tower of strength". Once we heard that my dad would not be returning to work, Jeromy volunteered to help look into early retirement. We quickly realized how unprepared my parents were for any event remotely of this size and that this would become more of a project than we bargained for. Still, Jeromy worked tirelessly to get everything sorted out and set up. We are back in Maryland and STILL working on the financial situation. (SO overwhelming.) I am extremely grateful for such a supportive, compassionate, and resourceful man who is willing to take on a load such as this for his father-in-law. He allowed me to spend much needed time just sitting with my dad while he ran ragged collecting a million official documents and applying my dad to every single available service. He is, indeed, a tower of strength.
It was absolutely fantastic to see familiar faces appear now and again at the door of my dad's room. Besides his immediate family, my dad had at least two or three different visitors every single day! Some of whom I hadn't seen in quite some time! It was nice to not have to drive all over the state to see so many family and friends, as is normally the case when we come to visit. This time everyone drove to see us! If there was one, the visitors were probably the highlight of the trip. As each visitor turned to leave I tried to stress how much of an encouragement it was for them to come, and to make sure they understood the seriousness of my dad's condition. Without being specific I was hoping they would consider paying another visit in the near future, whether in the hospital or elsewhere. To continue the support they have so far personally and publicly given. He needs it. I would be there if I could.
Probably the most difficult moment was seeing my dad for the first time. He used to be ripped. Every single day of his post-Navy existence, he has done his push-ups. He might have missed a day here and there due to an occasional case of the flu, but my dad's faithful morning push-up routine could squash the best of the best! Seeing my dad in the hospital, though, I could tell his push-ups have long since taken a sabbatical. In fact, he told us that he hasn't exercised in over two months! That should have been a sure sign something was up, although he didn't get checked out until weeks later. It was absolutely horrible to see my dad looking the way he did, especially that first night. He has lost literally every ounce of his muscle, and his skin looked like his mother's (my grandmother's) skin well into her 80's. The person I saw in that hospital bed was not my dad, but reality has it that it was and is.
The short of my dad's prognosis is that cancer will take his life. The doctors were quite clear that he has advanced stage 4 colon cancer, and because it has already devoured 3/4 of his liver and has spread to even other organs, no amount of drug therapy can cure this monster. My dad will receive what they call "palliative" care, which will involve chemo to hopefully stop future spread of the cancer cells, and even possibly shrink some of what is already there. Basically a life-prolonging method.
According to the doctors, my dad has 6-8 months to live if he decides against chemo treatment. With chemo, however, and depending on how his system responds to the drug, he could potentially live another 2-3 years. Either way, the news is hard to take.
I realize God still works miracles, and I believe that He has both power and ability to heal my dad completely, but I also know that He most often does not work beyond or in spite of natural processes. I believe God could very well prolong my dad's life beyond what the doctors project. Yet, if God were to completely heal my dad this side of heaven, there are many intricate smaller miracles that would need to transpire within the bigger one for that to happen.
For instance, the major surgery my dad underwent just before our arrival forced the surgeon to remove 9 out of 20 feet of his colon for the reason that the blockage of perhaps 6 or more months had built up an unbelievable pressure and had caused the colon to literally burst open on the operating table. Yeah. Not pretty. It's not like he can grow back 9 feet of colon! Also, the fact that the cancer is already stage 4 (the highest stage and the fastest spreading) implies "point of no return". A body can safely live on 1/4 of a liver, but it is difficult for me to believe that can last for very long without complications.
Another huge hurdle my dad needs to overcome (and before any of this chemo can start) is recovering from surgery itself. He needs to be at least a good 6-7 weeks completely recovered before his blood cells and immune system can take another harsh blow. As it is, my dad was in the hospital for 2 full weeks, and just yesterday he needed a blood transfusion. They finally discharged him, though because of recent infection his wounds have not yet healed. Also, there are still huge amounts of swelling, and he has yet to regain some sort of appetite. Since the surgery, he has been forcing food down his throat, so that it takes him nearly an hour to finish a meal instead of the typical 5 or so minutes it used to take him to polish off a couple good helpings. So he has a long way to go.
Another huge hurdle my dad needs to overcome (and before any of this chemo can start) is recovering from surgery itself. He needs to be at least a good 6-7 weeks completely recovered before his blood cells and immune system can take another harsh blow. As it is, my dad was in the hospital for 2 full weeks, and just yesterday he needed a blood transfusion. They finally discharged him, though because of recent infection his wounds have not yet healed. Also, there are still huge amounts of swelling, and he has yet to regain some sort of appetite. Since the surgery, he has been forcing food down his throat, so that it takes him nearly an hour to finish a meal instead of the typical 5 or so minutes it used to take him to polish off a couple good helpings. So he has a long way to go.
All this to say he should have been out of the hospital a week ago, but for these hinderances . And by "out of the hospital" I don't mean "at home". The next stepping stone for my dad is a Transitional Care Unit (TCU). This is basically a rehab facility where he will continue physical therapy and also begin occupational therapy, until he is strong enough and capable of living at home and caring for his wounds and ostomy bags. (There are two bags, due to the discarded portion of the colon.) My parents have already chosen a TCU, one that is within walking distance for my mom. In fact, he was just transfered there this afternoon. Part of the facility is a nursing home, but we are trying to steer everyone away from using that term so my dad doesn't get the feeling we are putting him "out to pasture". That's just the way these places opperate. Most serve several purposes. But yes, old fogies also live there. And regardless, this is a temporary situation. Yet, it is only after my dad serves adequate time at the TCU can anyone even begin to think about chemo. Long, long road.
There are so many questions our human hearts beg to ask:
*Why did my dad endure 6 whole months of nasty symptoms before even considering getting checked out?
*And, with the unbelievably steep health insurance premium he was paying every month, why did he never pursue regular physicals?
*Why did he refuse long and short-term disability through his company?
*Why don't my parents have life insurance?
*Why has my dad always chosen to remedy the immediate need instead of looking to the future?
*Why didn't he look into VA benefits from the start?
*Why did he allow a lay-off from a job he was good at to force him into a trucking job with erratic, unhealthy hours?
But we really can't ask, and when it comes down to it, we really don't want to. The worst thing we could do is to resent my dad for causing this mess. What good would that do? Sure, there are some better choices he could have made in his life, but he only did what he thought was best at the time. He is not perfect, and I cannot say I would have done any better! The truth is that cancer is part of my dad's life, and we can only look to today and pray for tomorrow.
(However, what I will say in light of the above questions is that we certainly learned a BIG lesson with regard to planning for the future! DO IT!)
Of course, my dad's life is in God's hands, no matter how you look at it. His days have been numbered since Eternity past, as with each of us. Cancer is God's will for my dad, whether he had caught it a year or two earlier, or whether he had delayed getting checked out even longer, in which case his colon could had exploded internally and left him to die on the spot.
It is what it is and we can only look forward with hope. The assuring, redeeming kind of hope.
More than our concern for my dad's physical condition is our concern for his spiritual. You spend one minute with the man and you can see depression all over his face. And for good reason. He is dealing with major change in his life. However, he did seem to perk up whenever anyone would stop by. But he won't read, including the Word, and that is troubling to me. I just hope some person will come alongside him and mentor him through this. Point him repeatedly back to Christ. That is his most pressing need right now. It is hard to believe that a man so extremely intelligent in matters of theology as he, can allow this trial, painful and scary as it may be, to get him this down. He is a child of the King, after all! In fact, while looking for certain documents at the house, we ran across his college doctrine notes from the 1970's, and I'm talking whole drawers full! This is his time to finally learn to live out the theology he claims to know. What good is knowledge unless it is useful?
Whatever we believe about God's will, we know that this path is chosen for us. We must take it because going back is not an option. This time in my family's life is designed to bring us closer to Him and to give us new ways in which to serve as God's "hands and feet". My dad's old college roommate offered my dad a wonderful statement while stopping in for a visit last week. He said, "Gary, this cancer is not all about you. This cancer is certainly an opportunity for God to extend His grace to you, but this cancer is also for you to allow that grace to flow to others by the testimony of your faith, both to Christians and non-Christians, to family, friends, nurses, doctors, and to those you have yet to meet."
And so it is with me and everyone else remotely touched my dad's cancer. I know that this is his fight of faith, but I wish I could help him believe that all this is for God's glory, and that he shouldn't waste this opportunity to live out God's grace. These are tough issues, and I struggle daily with them myself. I just hope he "gets" this message, and sooner rather than later.
Right now my dad is operating on empty. We keep trying to encourage him and bring Water to his dry Spirit, but what he does with all of that is solely up to him. We can't make him read his Bible, pray, or meditate on spiritual truths. All I know is that if my dad can firmly grasp these concepts, there is great potential for the next few days, weeks, months, and hopefully years to becoming the very best of his life and his closest walk with the Lord. THIS is the kind of miracle I am hoping and praying for!!!
Chemo or not, we trust in Christ! He is the hope of our salvation and our Rock!
"Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he will answer him from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. O Lord, save the king! May he answer us when we call" (Psalm 20:6-9).
*****
For anyone who would like to send my dad a note, below is the address. Also, if you are ever in the neighborhood, my dad would love a visit. He is currently staying at St. Louis Park Plaza. I've also listed that address below.
Gary Nelson
3341 Zinran Avenue South
St. Louis Park, MN 55426
St. Louis Park Plaza
3201 Virginia Ave S
Minneapolis, MN 55426
(952) 935-0333
There are so many questions our human hearts beg to ask:
*Why did my dad endure 6 whole months of nasty symptoms before even considering getting checked out?
*And, with the unbelievably steep health insurance premium he was paying every month, why did he never pursue regular physicals?
*Why did he refuse long and short-term disability through his company?
*Why don't my parents have life insurance?
*Why has my dad always chosen to remedy the immediate need instead of looking to the future?
*Why didn't he look into VA benefits from the start?
*Why did he allow a lay-off from a job he was good at to force him into a trucking job with erratic, unhealthy hours?
But we really can't ask, and when it comes down to it, we really don't want to. The worst thing we could do is to resent my dad for causing this mess. What good would that do? Sure, there are some better choices he could have made in his life, but he only did what he thought was best at the time. He is not perfect, and I cannot say I would have done any better! The truth is that cancer is part of my dad's life, and we can only look to today and pray for tomorrow.
(However, what I will say in light of the above questions is that we certainly learned a BIG lesson with regard to planning for the future! DO IT!)
Of course, my dad's life is in God's hands, no matter how you look at it. His days have been numbered since Eternity past, as with each of us. Cancer is God's will for my dad, whether he had caught it a year or two earlier, or whether he had delayed getting checked out even longer, in which case his colon could had exploded internally and left him to die on the spot.
It is what it is and we can only look forward with hope. The assuring, redeeming kind of hope.
More than our concern for my dad's physical condition is our concern for his spiritual. You spend one minute with the man and you can see depression all over his face. And for good reason. He is dealing with major change in his life. However, he did seem to perk up whenever anyone would stop by. But he won't read, including the Word, and that is troubling to me. I just hope some person will come alongside him and mentor him through this. Point him repeatedly back to Christ. That is his most pressing need right now. It is hard to believe that a man so extremely intelligent in matters of theology as he, can allow this trial, painful and scary as it may be, to get him this down. He is a child of the King, after all! In fact, while looking for certain documents at the house, we ran across his college doctrine notes from the 1970's, and I'm talking whole drawers full! This is his time to finally learn to live out the theology he claims to know. What good is knowledge unless it is useful?
Whatever we believe about God's will, we know that this path is chosen for us. We must take it because going back is not an option. This time in my family's life is designed to bring us closer to Him and to give us new ways in which to serve as God's "hands and feet". My dad's old college roommate offered my dad a wonderful statement while stopping in for a visit last week. He said, "Gary, this cancer is not all about you. This cancer is certainly an opportunity for God to extend His grace to you, but this cancer is also for you to allow that grace to flow to others by the testimony of your faith, both to Christians and non-Christians, to family, friends, nurses, doctors, and to those you have yet to meet."
And so it is with me and everyone else remotely touched my dad's cancer. I know that this is his fight of faith, but I wish I could help him believe that all this is for God's glory, and that he shouldn't waste this opportunity to live out God's grace. These are tough issues, and I struggle daily with them myself. I just hope he "gets" this message, and sooner rather than later.
Right now my dad is operating on empty. We keep trying to encourage him and bring Water to his dry Spirit, but what he does with all of that is solely up to him. We can't make him read his Bible, pray, or meditate on spiritual truths. All I know is that if my dad can firmly grasp these concepts, there is great potential for the next few days, weeks, months, and hopefully years to becoming the very best of his life and his closest walk with the Lord. THIS is the kind of miracle I am hoping and praying for!!!
Chemo or not, we trust in Christ! He is the hope of our salvation and our Rock!
"Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he will answer him from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. O Lord, save the king! May he answer us when we call" (Psalm 20:6-9).
*****
For anyone who would like to send my dad a note, below is the address. Also, if you are ever in the neighborhood, my dad would love a visit. He is currently staying at St. Louis Park Plaza. I've also listed that address below.
Gary Nelson
3341 Zinran Avenue South
St. Louis Park, MN 55426
St. Louis Park Plaza
3201 Virginia Ave S
Minneapolis, MN 55426
(952) 935-0333
Sunday, February 3, 2008
praying for you
I often have a hard time coming up with the right words to encourage someone who is hurting. I feel my words are never meaningful enough, or that they sound cliche, and I always want to do so much more than offer my love and prayer. I wish I could say I've "been there", that I know what they are going through, but I really can't because everyone's pain is entirely different. So I normally just feel at a loss.
Well, just I learned for the first time in my life that all those words I have spoken to many individuals over the years really have mattered. I now know without a doubt that they were heard and that they made more of a difference in those people's lives than I ever would have guessed.
The words of support and encouragement I have received over the last few days have been priceless. I'm sure many who heard about my dad feel the same as I, that their words are meager and trite, and lost among similar sentiments of others. If that is true of anyone, they couldn't be more wrong. Every single word offered has touched me both deeply and uniquely. To know that prayers are being lifted for my family in places all across the country (from Colorado, to Maryland, to Florida, to Hawaii!!!) has in itself sustained me. Words like "praying for you" might sound repetitive (as I've often thought, having numerously used that phrase) but I tell you, each word renews my hope and reminds me of God's mercy. You all remind me that my family is far from alone in this and that the Body still comes through for its weakened, ailing limb.
I will no longer feel discouraged the next time all I can think of to say is "I am sorry. I will pray for you. I am here for you." These are the words our human hearts really need to hear the most. I am grateful for everyone who has reached out to us in this way, both those who have voiced their support and those who simply and quietly pray. God will continue to use both to get us through this time.
I do not know what the week in Minnesota will look like. I wish this could be a pleasure trip, especially since I only get out there once or twice a year. But this trip is not for me. I know that my dad needs people around him as much as possible to keep his spirits up and to offer encouragement that he can draw from on occasions when he is left alone to his thoughts. He is still very down, often wondering what the future will hold. And that is very natural, yet everyone is trying to get him to focus on today and not tomorrow. We all need to live this way, and hopefully he will begin to understand that. We can't skirt the circumstances or pretend the cancer doesn't exist, but we can at least continue to point him to his hope in Christ.
We would like to get John Piper's "The Blazing Center" DVD series to hopefully foster the eternal perspective he so desperately needs. I know that "stuff" we give him won't heal his body. All we can do is encourage him with hope in Christ.
Today I talked to my dad on the phone for the first time since he went into the hospital. The phone is difficult for me. I didn't know what to say, and I heard myself saying, "uh-huh" a lot. He didn't talk much either. He definitely sounded weak and almost delirious. I could tell he is still in shock over the whole thing. I really didn't want to talk to him over the phone. It's just not the same as being there, especially since I knew I would freeze up like I did. But my mom asked if I wanted to talk to him while she was next to him so I had no choice. "Do you want to talk to your dad? Huh???" What was I supposed to say? No?
I have been an emotional roller coaster over the last 48 hours. I have to tell myself not to think about my dad all the time or I wouldn't be able to function. On the other hand, I don't want to go about life as though nothing is happening. I'm just torn, and every other minute my frame of mine is different. I realize that I need to keep on living, just like my dad needs to, but it's not easy to do both. At times I don't feel I have the right to laugh, or watch a fun movie, or eat a yummy dessert. I'm not supposed to be doing those things - my dad is sick! And yet I know I it is probably the best thing for me to especially enjoy these things because I have to live with hope too. I can't tell my dad to do one thing and than I do another. I can't take his pain for him by living in doom and gloom. I need to set the example.
But...but...but...regardless of any encouragement we give him, reality continues to stand that my father has terminal cancer. What does one DO with that??????
Well, just I learned for the first time in my life that all those words I have spoken to many individuals over the years really have mattered. I now know without a doubt that they were heard and that they made more of a difference in those people's lives than I ever would have guessed.
The words of support and encouragement I have received over the last few days have been priceless. I'm sure many who heard about my dad feel the same as I, that their words are meager and trite, and lost among similar sentiments of others. If that is true of anyone, they couldn't be more wrong. Every single word offered has touched me both deeply and uniquely. To know that prayers are being lifted for my family in places all across the country (from Colorado, to Maryland, to Florida, to Hawaii!!!) has in itself sustained me. Words like "praying for you" might sound repetitive (as I've often thought, having numerously used that phrase) but I tell you, each word renews my hope and reminds me of God's mercy. You all remind me that my family is far from alone in this and that the Body still comes through for its weakened, ailing limb.
I will no longer feel discouraged the next time all I can think of to say is "I am sorry. I will pray for you. I am here for you." These are the words our human hearts really need to hear the most. I am grateful for everyone who has reached out to us in this way, both those who have voiced their support and those who simply and quietly pray. God will continue to use both to get us through this time.
I do not know what the week in Minnesota will look like. I wish this could be a pleasure trip, especially since I only get out there once or twice a year. But this trip is not for me. I know that my dad needs people around him as much as possible to keep his spirits up and to offer encouragement that he can draw from on occasions when he is left alone to his thoughts. He is still very down, often wondering what the future will hold. And that is very natural, yet everyone is trying to get him to focus on today and not tomorrow. We all need to live this way, and hopefully he will begin to understand that. We can't skirt the circumstances or pretend the cancer doesn't exist, but we can at least continue to point him to his hope in Christ.
We would like to get John Piper's "The Blazing Center" DVD series to hopefully foster the eternal perspective he so desperately needs. I know that "stuff" we give him won't heal his body. All we can do is encourage him with hope in Christ.
Today I talked to my dad on the phone for the first time since he went into the hospital. The phone is difficult for me. I didn't know what to say, and I heard myself saying, "uh-huh" a lot. He didn't talk much either. He definitely sounded weak and almost delirious. I could tell he is still in shock over the whole thing. I really didn't want to talk to him over the phone. It's just not the same as being there, especially since I knew I would freeze up like I did. But my mom asked if I wanted to talk to him while she was next to him so I had no choice. "Do you want to talk to your dad? Huh???" What was I supposed to say? No?
I have been an emotional roller coaster over the last 48 hours. I have to tell myself not to think about my dad all the time or I wouldn't be able to function. On the other hand, I don't want to go about life as though nothing is happening. I'm just torn, and every other minute my frame of mine is different. I realize that I need to keep on living, just like my dad needs to, but it's not easy to do both. At times I don't feel I have the right to laugh, or watch a fun movie, or eat a yummy dessert. I'm not supposed to be doing those things - my dad is sick! And yet I know I it is probably the best thing for me to especially enjoy these things because I have to live with hope too. I can't tell my dad to do one thing and than I do another. I can't take his pain for him by living in doom and gloom. I need to set the example.
But...but...but...regardless of any encouragement we give him, reality continues to stand that my father has terminal cancer. What does one DO with that??????
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Dad Update
Thank you all for the prayer support. It is invaluable to us.
The doctors performed surgery on my dad yesterday. His colon burst once they opened him up, due to the tumor blockage and unbelievable pressure, so the doctors had to create not one, but two colostomies, one on each side of his stomach. The cancer is too severe in both his colon and liver and it is too late to remove. He will most likely go through chemo and/or radiation to prolong his life.
My father has always been one to avoid going to the doctor because he either thought whatever he was feeling would "go away" or he was afraid of what they would find. Well here we go. The good news (if there is any) is that, should he have gone in 6 months earlier when the abdominal pain first started, the cancer may have still been almost as severe. In fact, they say he may have had it for two whole years and never knew it! My brother likened colon cancer to a "thief in the night" that forms without much symptom at first. Of course, had my dad received regular physicals, they may have caught it before it became of too much. But we can't look back in regret because he is at this point, and we can't change that.
My dad is very discouraged right now. He thought he was just going to get a colonoscopy a couple days ago to test for thyroid issues and be on his way, and now his life is changed forever. Doctors say that if he hadn't come in he wouldn't have lasted until next Christmas. So that's another praise, I guess. I need to keep that perspective.
This man has already had a rough life, and I just hate to see him go through even more. He is 64 and was planning on retiring in October, but I guess this will push things up a bit. He has always been anxious about money, and has already been voicing concern about paying for the medical bills. Please pray that my dad would just concentrate on living, and trust God to take care of everything else. He needs peace right now. He doesn't need to be dwelling on negative thoughts.
Pray for the rest of my family also, especially my mom. This will be a new life for them and everyone is still in shock. It is crazy how life can throw a curve just like that. Yet this didn't surprise God, and my prayer is that all this will strengthen their faith, and mine.
Jeromy and I leave for Minnesota Monday morning, for a week. I didn't want to use accrued leave time because we had also recently purchased airfare to spend a week in Minnesota at the end of May. Go figure. I do have 3 personal days in addition to annual leave, and I am also allowed leave without pay, and will use both. This will also allow us to keep our plans to go back in May. Time will tell how things will be by then. Hopefully better, in spite of everything.
Pray for God to sustain us during this visit, and that we will have the right words to say and the strength to help out wherever needed.
Above: Dad reading one of my favorite Golden Books!
Below: My wedding! (My brother Justin, dad Gary, & mom Linda Nelson with the love birds)
The doctors performed surgery on my dad yesterday. His colon burst once they opened him up, due to the tumor blockage and unbelievable pressure, so the doctors had to create not one, but two colostomies, one on each side of his stomach. The cancer is too severe in both his colon and liver and it is too late to remove. He will most likely go through chemo and/or radiation to prolong his life.
My father has always been one to avoid going to the doctor because he either thought whatever he was feeling would "go away" or he was afraid of what they would find. Well here we go. The good news (if there is any) is that, should he have gone in 6 months earlier when the abdominal pain first started, the cancer may have still been almost as severe. In fact, they say he may have had it for two whole years and never knew it! My brother likened colon cancer to a "thief in the night" that forms without much symptom at first. Of course, had my dad received regular physicals, they may have caught it before it became of too much. But we can't look back in regret because he is at this point, and we can't change that.
My dad is very discouraged right now. He thought he was just going to get a colonoscopy a couple days ago to test for thyroid issues and be on his way, and now his life is changed forever. Doctors say that if he hadn't come in he wouldn't have lasted until next Christmas. So that's another praise, I guess. I need to keep that perspective.
This man has already had a rough life, and I just hate to see him go through even more. He is 64 and was planning on retiring in October, but I guess this will push things up a bit. He has always been anxious about money, and has already been voicing concern about paying for the medical bills. Please pray that my dad would just concentrate on living, and trust God to take care of everything else. He needs peace right now. He doesn't need to be dwelling on negative thoughts.
Pray for the rest of my family also, especially my mom. This will be a new life for them and everyone is still in shock. It is crazy how life can throw a curve just like that. Yet this didn't surprise God, and my prayer is that all this will strengthen their faith, and mine.
Jeromy and I leave for Minnesota Monday morning, for a week. I didn't want to use accrued leave time because we had also recently purchased airfare to spend a week in Minnesota at the end of May. Go figure. I do have 3 personal days in addition to annual leave, and I am also allowed leave without pay, and will use both. This will also allow us to keep our plans to go back in May. Time will tell how things will be by then. Hopefully better, in spite of everything.
Pray for God to sustain us during this visit, and that we will have the right words to say and the strength to help out wherever needed.
Above: Dad reading one of my favorite Golden Books!
Below: My wedding! (My brother Justin, dad Gary, & mom Linda Nelson with the love birds)
Friday, February 1, 2008
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