The BFP

(Um, can it be a little more obvious???)



Indulge me as I share my initial thoughts upon sight of those two infamous sticks above:

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August 4, 2009

How can the pull to keep something a secret and to shout it from rooftops be so equally strong? The first thing I wanted to do when I saw that pink line was to call my family and update my Facebook status with an ecstatic announcement. The dialogue in my head went something like this:

Oh what the hay, tell the world!

No, don’t – you’ll regret it.

Maybe I could just tell my brother. My SIL is just 3 or 4 weeks ahead of me and I am dying with anticipation to share some First Trimester-banter with her.

Uh, better not. It’s safer.

Can’t let Mom find out just yet. Don't want to torture her by forcing her to keep the news to herself. Because we all know she just can't. :)

All I can say is, thank the good o’ Internet for the forums. Oh, the message boards! The one safe place outside your hubby to blab and squeal and openly rave about your newly-discovered “condition”. Jumping around on the boards lets you relieve a lot of that stored up excitement, at least enough to satiate your threatening-to-burst-at-any-moment-baby-bump-bubble. It’s not the same as telling your family and friends, of course. Not even close. None of the ladies on the boards are all that excited for you, not like your aunt or your best friend would be. Nevertheless, they are in the same boat as you, and soak up the giving and receiving of congratulations all around.

I’m actually sort of puzzled as to why women like to keep their secret under wraps for the first few weeks or even months. After all, the enthusiastic support of loved ones during most other new life ventures is normally appreciated. I gather one reason is most likely that a woman has to first get used to the idea that she is pregnant. Believe it, even. Allow for time to get used to the idea and let it sink in.

We had been trying since June, and after one month of no take, I wasn’t super optimistic about July. I went off the Ring and began taking pre-natal vitamins all the way back in November, and I was surprised that we were able to successfully prevent for the seven months before we started trying to conceive (TTC). The natural methods of birth control always intrigued me but I had a hard time trusting my body because my cycles are so irregular. And while I still don’t fully trust the results of my daily basal temperature (since I get up at least once or twice per night and the thermometer relies on a consistent, restful sleep), I was still able to make at least some heads or tails of the time of ovulation. I am not 100% confident about tracking my cycles, but at this point I don’t think I could ever go back to BC.

I was certain I would get pregnant the month we started trying, so when I didn’t I became slightly concerned that we might have to deal with infertility problems. So ridiculous, I know, after just one month. But what girl doesn’t think about these things? I hear just about as many stories about couples struggling with infertility and miscarriage as I do stories of uneventful, healthy, to-term pregnancies. I don’t know if infertility is actually more common in this generation or that people these days are just more candid and open about talking about these kinds of issues than in generations past. Probably the latter. But you don’t really think about it until it’s relevant. And if it happens to so many others, why could it not happen to you?

Two different brands of home pregnancy tests (HPT) later and you have to take a moment or two to realize:

“I’m pregnant!”

“My body can actually do this!”

“I’ve officially joined the Baby Mama’s Club!”

“Am I seriously going to have to clean up after projectile vomit and diaper blow-outs in just another eight or so months?!”

And if this has never happened to you before, planned or not, it’s a little freaky to think about. Surreal. Life-changing. Instant perspective-gaining. And if for the hormones alone, you really don’t care to have all your Facebook friends bombarding you with a million questions and advice. Not just yet. For as long as you decide (and don’t yet show!), these secret-harboring moments are all yours. An intimate time mixed with realization and disbelief. Sober gratitude and outright giddiness between you, your husband, and the God who created this brand new eternal soul. You can never get this time back.

So, we are going to enjoy it. As much as it absolutely kills me. Ha!

Another reason, I think, women like to keep their baby news to themselves is the wait to get beyond the risk of an early miscarriage. I guess this is so to prevent any awkward interaction between family and friends who don’t know how to comfort the grieving parents and the grieving parents who don’t know what kind of comfort they need. Maybe a cop-out, but a reason, nonetheless. Some women adamantly believe in spreading the word about their bun-in-the-oven for the immediate prayer support. Especially those who have previously miscarried and/or are considered a high-risk pregnancy. I don’t blame them.

I think I stand somewhere in between the two extremes. I could never wait 5 months tell everyone we’re expecting, though I know some who have. However, living 1000 miles away from most of my family and friends does give us an advantage. Since I don’t see these people on a regular or even occasionally doesn’t put me in moments of temptation where I might reveal the existence of our Little Peanut earlier than I would like. Keeping the secret from Jeromy’s family, however, will prove a little bit more difficult, as we’ll be seeing them for Grandma Roxie’s 75th birthday in just a couple weeks! It will not be easy to mums the word (especially if the birthday bash becomes a puke fest!), but hopefully we will stay strong.

I would like to wait until maybe I’ve reached the 12-week mark. As of today I am at 5 weeks and 2 days, thanks to my handy dandy cycle chart. I have an appointment this Friday morning for blood work to determine gestational age more accurately. But I still think I’m right, so we will see! At any rate, I don’t think I could wait much longer than another 8 weeks before blabbing. If I end up even waiting that long. But something about exclusively knowing about something is sort of fun, too!

So I had this super great way to tell Jeromy about the pregnancy. Of course, he knew I was having a longer cycle this month, but I’ve had a 34-day cycle before, so he was still pretty nonchalant. I had thought of taking a test on Tuesday (today) morning, but I got a sudden bout of unshakable curiosity Sunday night and took two tests within an hour of the other around 11pm-12am (while Hubby, unbeknownst to him, was sleeping the night away).

After I got my BFP (which is board talk for "big fat positive") I devised how my plan would go down the next morning. I had purchased a “Baby on Board” sign for $2 at Target back in April (just in case we “oopsed” before officially TTC. (There were a couple months I thought for sure we were pregnant, so I had to be ready!) Since I always wake up before Jeromy I knew it would be easy to sneak out the door and attach the sign to either the driver’s or passenger’s side window. He would either notice it when he got in the truck or a couple miles down the road, depending on where I would have placed it. At which time I would have promptly received a phone call, and I’m sure he would have turned around and gone back to the house to freak out with me. Genius, I know.

But, sadly, that’s not how it worked out. Though I’m sure we’ll still get plenty of use out of the “Baby on Board” sign.

After the BFP you couldn’t pay me to sleep. I laid down and could feel my heart beating hard at what felt like a million times a minute. I remember the progression of my very first reactions while holding the two sticks after they had turned positive:

“Nuh uh!"

“Scary!”

“Unbelievable!”

“I am so freaking scared!”

Wait…

“I am so freaking excited!!!”

And from there on out, it was pretty much elation. I have not been scared or shocked since those first few seconds. Maybe if we were still in our first year of marriage I might have been initially devastated, but this Little Thing is/was planned and that made for a quicker transition from “I don’t know if I’m ready for this?” to “I’m a mommy – yay!”

And I couldn’t stop thinking about the BFP, try as I might to turn off the brain and get some sleep. So I figured it would be more productive – and fun – to hop online and check out all the pregnancy websites I’d been anxious to have a reason to visit than to lie in bed and listen to Husband saw logs until dawn. Plus I didn’t want to wake him with my tossing and turning because I didn’t want to be tempted to tell him before I could carry out my plan!

Around 3am I got off the couch to hit the restroom in the hallway. Afterward I peeked into the bedroom and noticed that Jeromy wasn’t in bed. And then I saw the sliver of light in the doorway of the master bathroom.

Oh the horror! I ran to the door and opened it just in time to see Jeromy leaning over the sink right in front of – you guessed it – both HPTs. My fun little “Baby on Board” plan shattered to pieces as realization came over my sleepy hubby. As soon as he noticed the results of the tests, I bent over and looked in his face and said, “Hi.”

Jeromy wrapped me up in a big hug. For a moment neither of us mouthed a word. Then Jeromy said, “I’m happy!” I don’t recall what else we said but I think I told him that he wasn’t supposed to find out until the morning. But it was kind of fun how it happened because it turned out to be a special moment. I just didn’t want Jeromy to be up for the rest of the night and as sleepy as me the next day.

We laid in bed and talked – marveled – for the next hour. We prayed together and thanked God for this little life, for the privilege to become parents, and for a healthy and safe pregnancy. What an unforgettable time! I remember thinking that the last time I couldn’t sleep like this was the night before my wedding, and now it was the night I discover I’m carrying my first child! I finally drifted off to sweet dreams around 4am, thankful I was not scheduled to work in the morning!

I haven’t been experiencing a ton of symptoms so far. I guess they are supposed to intensify around the 6-7 week mark. Maybe I will beat the odds, who knows! But apparently, a lot of women like morning sickness and all that because it signifies that there is still a baby growing inside them. When the symptoms wane some women get scared something is wrong. My chest has been sore for a little more than a week, though at first I suspected it was due to an imminent menstrual period like normal.

Strangely, I’ve endured two evenings of pretty severe nausea, but none since. The first time, the waves started coming on while I was reading in bed at about 9:30 pm. It just kept getting worse and worse. I usually eat dinner pretty early, so by about 10:15 or so I thought I was just hungry like I sometimes get before bed. But I was too lazy to get up, eat something, and have to brush my teeth again before turning in.

The nausea wouldn’t let up, though, so I went to the kitchen spice cabinet, grabbed the bottle of peppermint extract, dabbed a drop under my nose (I heard peppermint soothes an upset tummy). That brought temporary relief but I soon got up again. This time I sliced some Havarti cheese on a multigrain baguette, but felt that wasn’t enough so poured half a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats. I gulped that stuff down like I’d never eaten before!

I’m not sure if I just needed food or what, but after then taking a couple Tums I laid back down and fell asleep soon after, when the nausea subsided. (And without brushing!)

That was early, too, at least a week and a half ago, if not two. Perhaps there was a surge of hormones when the little bean implanted in my uterus that night? Who’s to say, but if that night was any hint at what’s to come, I’m about to become a physically worthless mama-to-be in a few weeks! But hopefully not. I usually eat every couple hours anyway, and I hear that helps a lot.

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August 25, 2009

I am 8 or so weeks along. My first OB appointment is the day after tomorrow (yay!) and I’ve heard lots of stories of women whose doctors measure their babies a week behind. I don’t want to go backwards. 2nd Tri, here I come!

During the first 5 full weeks of this pregnancy I felt invincible. Not really tired or sick or bloated. Then week 6 hit and I learned really quickly what morning sickness is all about! I was hoping I’d be a lucky one and avoid getting nausea. Or at least that I’d be able to rise above it and function at 100% as usual. However, that’s not how things have gone down. This baby is kicking my butt!! Or rather, the hormones are!

I don’t know if I should be grateful or not, but I have not actually thrown up yet. I have found that eating every couple of hours keeps nausea somewhat at bay. It doesn’t make it go away, but at least it becomes tolerable so that I actually feel well enough to shower and go to work and maybe clean the bathrooms or something. The only trouble is, the “cure” is the enemy. Nausea is so frustrating because you know that eating will help but you can’t bear the thought of putting something in your mouth, chewing and, even worse, swallowing. Everything is revolting. Yes, everything. Yet you force down some form of substantial calories because it allows you to find some relief and perhaps even sleep a few hours.

I have to admit that I’m not bent-over-can’t-get-out-of-bed sick entirely 24/7. There is usually a little window around 4-7pm or so when I feel relatively fine. Thankfully, that has afforded me the ability to eat fairly decent dinners. My worst moments come between 2am and 10am. Such a long stretch of YUCK!!

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And thus, no more words until week 15. The weeks in between include just more of that last entry. A lot more.


















In Pittsburgh on our 3rd anniversary and one week into hiding our little secret! And let me say, The Melting Pot never tasted so good!