What keeps you going?
I have found that if I have something in the future to anticipate, the daily grind isn't so bad. All I need is a countdown of days, and I can make it. Whether it's a concert, road trip, day off of work, or just a coffee date with my husband, I'm almost always looking ahead to something. Even if the day is months away, the prospect of something fun or meaningful to look forward to helps me stay focused on the moments at hand. Which, actually sounds weird because one would think the anticipation of something would lead to distraction. Yet, that is how it is for me.
However, as much as I would not like to admit it, it seems it is the anticipation, more than the occasion or event itself, which brings the most joy. I have always wished it were the other way around, that the actual event or occasion anticipated would surpass the anticipation, but that seems to rarely happen. I have come to wonder if maybe that is because the anticipation is meant as an analogy of something spiritual. Our longing for heaven, perhaps?
Maybe God does not want us to find our satisfaction here, for these short 80 years. Maybe we try to. Our finite minds cannot fathom the joy of Eternity. As our hearts remain always waiting and hoping for something better, always something more spectacular around the next corner (and mine always does), we find only continued anticipation, conscious or not, for the ultimate culmination of joy found only in and with God Himself. And that continued anticipation can be easily mistaken for disappointment when, really, it ought to urge us to praise God for not allowing things of this world to satiate us like only God can.
Maybe that's why the days leading up to December 25th are always brimming with excitement as we think about how perfect everything is going to be, but then when Christmas Day rolls around we usually experience little more than wrapping paper messes; stomachaches; possible extended family quarrels; and, despite myriads of gifts received, emptiness in our hearts. 'Did we miss the point?' we ask ourselves. 'Did we forget about some meaningful tradition? Did we forget to light the candles? What happened?' Yes, culture and the world can steal our hearts away from the humble approach Mary and Joseph took to celebrate the birth of the Messiah so that we do miss the point. (Although, I don’t recommend sitting down to Christmas dinner in a barn!) Amidst all our planning for perfection, we sometimes forget that we live in a very imperfect world, and our minds often paint unrealistic pictures of life.
Yet at the same time, there is something to be said about the joy of anticipation, even on occasions when our hearts are indeed right (and, in the event of Christmas, commercialism doesn’t get the best of us). The fact is, this is not home. We really are pilgrims. No holiday, birthday bash, or ski trip could ever top what is in store for the believer! There will come a time when we will experience perfection, but that will never be here!
Knowing we are made for a far better place and a heart that is fully healed, does this then mean we should cease to enjoy life as we know it? Should we just lie down and silently wait with inactivity for our redemption? Well, is that what we do between Thanksgiving and Christmas? No, preparations are made to build the excitement! The tree gets trimmed, the presents wrapped, and the cards sent. Why should we act any differently during this time of eternal expectation? This journey is part of the joy we await!
For that matter, what does an engaged couple spend time doing before their union? Take my wedding as an example. One of my favorite seasons of expectancy took place the first weeks following our engagement. How much fun it was to check out a dozen wedding books and magazines from the library, and to sit for hours in a Barnes & Noble, snapping countless pictures of cute flower and table arrangements from decorating books with my camera phone. How exciting it was to choose colors, scribble up guest lists, and wade through beautiful music arrangements! It starts once the ring is on her finger, or at least that moment in the dressing room at the bridal shop when she tries on that first dress. The possibilities are endless, and immediately she begins to imagine walking down the isle. Time and time again she pictures the face of her groom grinning broadly from the front of the church. A bride-to be’s mind is constantly preoccupied with visions of the actual wedding day, when all the preparations, plans, and dreams finally come together.
The day finally comes and it is exquisitely wonderful and breathtaking, just like she imagined….almost. And yet that “almost” takes absolutely nothing away from the beauty and perfection of the day, however it happens to go down. The sweet anticipation was actually part of the wedding day. For that matter, the entire package: meeting, first date, first kiss, every subsequent date, engagement, wedding planning (although most of it, tedious and stressful!); and the dreaming, hoping, wishing, thinking, pursuing, creating, loving – all of it – as well as the dress, pictures, processional, vows, pronouncement, and honeymoon. Nothing is exclusive and all of it contains the joy of anticipation.
It has been more than a year after my own wedding, and the anticipation still remains. Every day is new and full of expectation. Life keeps going, we keep growing and moving on to our destination: Eternity. It only makes sense that we keep waiting for something greater to come along because there is something greater. It hasn’t come yet because we are still wearing this flesh and walking this dirt. The anticipation we experience in this life provides us with glimpses of that day when we finally get to see the entire picture, see all of it come together and know that there was no flaw in the design.
I can’t wait to see through God’s lens and finally learn the answers to all of my questions. But I don’t want those questions to keep me from exercising faith in what He has already said. Thankfully, God is with us now and has given us the lens of Scripture by which to view this world. And yet gaining (and keeping) the confidence that God is working things out, and that His justice and compassion somehow mesh, plainly takes some hard faith. It can be difficult to accept that God actually receives glory for what happens on this Earth. We hear more bad news than good. But there would be no need for redemption if this world were ideal and whole. I think the times we see God’s glory the most is when He applies healing to something that is broken. And boy, are we broken! Sin has made a mess, and God wants us to witness and enjoy His glory as he redeems his people back to Himself! All the hopelessness, fear, catastrophe, and bitterness remains because there is still more to the story! But we aren’t writing it! For now our “God-vision” is limited. That, however, should leave us clawing for something more. More of Him. One day all anticipation will finally cease, and we will not be disappointed nor left to crave anything else.
I don’t know what that will be like, because I am constantly empty, I am daily searching for something to fill me. Some moments are better than others, moments in which I choose to live in the hope of eternally basking in the glory of God. On those days I am not as easily frustrated and set-off. And even when life doesn’t slow down, I allow my heart to still long enough to see God at work around me. I begin to discover reasons for which to be grateful.
Other days, I would rather settle for basking in the earthly, the temporary. I allow people to name me. My schedule overtakes and consumes me. I grasp at books, projects, food, music, sleep, working out, to find happiness and purpose. To try to gain some sort of control. And I express a skewed understanding of God, which, in reality, fosters these results.
The anticipation is good. Very good. The object of the anticipation, though, is what is important. In His wisdom, God intended us to receive more joy when we honor the Giver over the gift because there is no glory in the gift all by itself. I know I am more grateful for the time, expense, and energy it takes a special person to make me a cake than I am for the actual cake, tasty as it may be. My guess is that anticipation on this earth is meant to leave us empty but also to bring a spark of hope so that our ultimate longing and satisfaction would rest in the glory of God alone.
The Giver is the gift; the gift is the Giver! What can top that!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Stupid is as stupid does!
What is the most stupid thing you have ever done? I mean embarrassingly foolish and idiotic? My husband mentioned such an instance in his life which happened just last week. Sitting in a conference room at work, he waited for a scheduled meeting to start. He noticed that everyone had arrived…except a co-worker named Kevin, though characterized as routinely late, even forgetful regarding meetings.
Just as they were about to begin, Jeromy spoke up, "Wait, we can't start yet. Kevin's not here." And wouldn't you know, there was Kevin, sitting directly across the table from Jeromy. After everyone had a good chuckle, Kevin took off his eyeglasses and offered them to my slightly vision- impaired and flushing husband.
"Would these help?" he joked.
"Yeah, but you're usually late to meetings so I just assumed today would be no different." Good defense, but not enough to get him off the hook.
My own experience also has to do with eyesight, takes place at work, and is just as humiliating. After Jeromy and I got married last summer I took a job as a receptionist for a local oral surgeon. After a few weeks the doc needed some extra hands in surgery…holding heads, suctioning, all the "fun" stuff. Yeah right. While I can now say I'm glad for the 3 months of healthcare experience, I wouldn't go back for anything. I learned that I can deal just fine with my own blood, but I would rather not see the blood of anyone else. I would rather have oral surgery done on myself than watch someone else get oral surgery!
Anyway, a couple months into the position I was asked to hold the head of a teenage boy who needed some gum work done. And that's not the chewing kind! And of course, that meant a LOT of blood, which I was just so excited about. The boy had already been administered the anesthesia and was out cold, and Dr. Z (as we called him) was about to take out the drill. *scary music* Just before he started drilling I realized I didn't have my safety glasses on!
"Wait!" I said with sudden alarm "I can't find my goggles! Everyone looked up at me as I went digging into my lab coat pockets. They looked at one another in confusion, then looked back at me.
"You're wearing them," one of the other assistants bluntly pointed out, most certainly relishing this blonde moment. No way, I thought. My goggles are bulky and so fogged up that I always notice them. I reached my hand up to my eyes and….touched hard plastic rims. Doh!
Ok, so the latest stupid thing I did has to do with something I used to as a kid (which was strange in and of itself). Jeromy and I got to talking one evening last week, and I can't remember how the subject came up, but we discussed some of the acrobatics we used to do. Namely, stand on our head. Apparently, I used to stand on my head for 20 or 30 minutes at a time, and to this day I have no idea why! I'd watch TV standing on my head! I think maybe I did it because I was good at it, even though the stunt itself was uncomfortable. At least, I would hope so! Because it certainly was uncomfortable – and painful! – when Jeromy and I decided to see if the good 'ol "head stand" could still be done. Jeromy went first, and wasn't so successful. Determined, I went to try, and failed on the first attempt. The second try; victorious for about 30 seconds (as opposed to minutes), although a little wobbly. After I "landed" I decided that I should probably quit while I'm ahead, and to never to try that again!
Initially I felt no physical consequence for standing on my head. A couple days later, however, I woke up to an incredibly stiff neck and shoulders. The plus was that Jeromy granted me several massages that hurt like the dickens but felt amazing for the very reason that it hurt like the dickens. The next day the pain subsided, and I hardly noticed it. I went about my regular workout regimen for two days and felt fine both during and after working out.
The day after that second workout; Saturday, the stiffness returned so horribly that I felt stricken in bed! Just washing my hair and putting my clothes on in the morning seemed like huge chores.
Monday morning left me moaning and groaning, and Jeromy wouldn't let me go to work without at least seeing my doctor. I fought it because I always think whatever is wrong with me will just go away with time, or I can deal with it because life has to go on! I can't miss a whole day of work since I am considered a part time employee with no paid sick leave, much less any other benefits. Plus tomorrow is a workout day and I can't be drugged up on medications that make you drowsy and dizzy!
Now it's Tuesday, I carpooled to work after taking the day off yesterday, and I'm walking (and talking) a little slow. I hope to hit the gym tonight once the meds wear off (only cardio, I promise!), but I still plan on carpooling again tomorrow once the next dose kicks in.
I just can't believe that I have to go through all this just because I did something stupid. Especially as stupid as standing on my head! I'm not 6 years old for goodness sake! I know I have a really hard time slowing down, and that this experience should let me catch my breath, but it's still an inconvenience. It's one thing if you hurt yourself playing sports, or even get rear ended, but there's no excuse for this one!
I think I'll try standing on my feet from now on….
Just as they were about to begin, Jeromy spoke up, "Wait, we can't start yet. Kevin's not here." And wouldn't you know, there was Kevin, sitting directly across the table from Jeromy. After everyone had a good chuckle, Kevin took off his eyeglasses and offered them to my slightly vision- impaired and flushing husband.
"Would these help?" he joked.
"Yeah, but you're usually late to meetings so I just assumed today would be no different." Good defense, but not enough to get him off the hook.
My own experience also has to do with eyesight, takes place at work, and is just as humiliating. After Jeromy and I got married last summer I took a job as a receptionist for a local oral surgeon. After a few weeks the doc needed some extra hands in surgery…holding heads, suctioning, all the "fun" stuff. Yeah right. While I can now say I'm glad for the 3 months of healthcare experience, I wouldn't go back for anything. I learned that I can deal just fine with my own blood, but I would rather not see the blood of anyone else. I would rather have oral surgery done on myself than watch someone else get oral surgery!
Anyway, a couple months into the position I was asked to hold the head of a teenage boy who needed some gum work done. And that's not the chewing kind! And of course, that meant a LOT of blood, which I was just so excited about. The boy had already been administered the anesthesia and was out cold, and Dr. Z (as we called him) was about to take out the drill. *scary music* Just before he started drilling I realized I didn't have my safety glasses on!
"Wait!" I said with sudden alarm "I can't find my goggles! Everyone looked up at me as I went digging into my lab coat pockets. They looked at one another in confusion, then looked back at me.
"You're wearing them," one of the other assistants bluntly pointed out, most certainly relishing this blonde moment. No way, I thought. My goggles are bulky and so fogged up that I always notice them. I reached my hand up to my eyes and….touched hard plastic rims. Doh!
Ok, so the latest stupid thing I did has to do with something I used to as a kid (which was strange in and of itself). Jeromy and I got to talking one evening last week, and I can't remember how the subject came up, but we discussed some of the acrobatics we used to do. Namely, stand on our head. Apparently, I used to stand on my head for 20 or 30 minutes at a time, and to this day I have no idea why! I'd watch TV standing on my head! I think maybe I did it because I was good at it, even though the stunt itself was uncomfortable. At least, I would hope so! Because it certainly was uncomfortable – and painful! – when Jeromy and I decided to see if the good 'ol "head stand" could still be done. Jeromy went first, and wasn't so successful. Determined, I went to try, and failed on the first attempt. The second try; victorious for about 30 seconds (as opposed to minutes), although a little wobbly. After I "landed" I decided that I should probably quit while I'm ahead, and to never to try that again!
Initially I felt no physical consequence for standing on my head. A couple days later, however, I woke up to an incredibly stiff neck and shoulders. The plus was that Jeromy granted me several massages that hurt like the dickens but felt amazing for the very reason that it hurt like the dickens. The next day the pain subsided, and I hardly noticed it. I went about my regular workout regimen for two days and felt fine both during and after working out.
The day after that second workout; Saturday, the stiffness returned so horribly that I felt stricken in bed! Just washing my hair and putting my clothes on in the morning seemed like huge chores.
Monday morning left me moaning and groaning, and Jeromy wouldn't let me go to work without at least seeing my doctor. I fought it because I always think whatever is wrong with me will just go away with time, or I can deal with it because life has to go on! I can't miss a whole day of work since I am considered a part time employee with no paid sick leave, much less any other benefits. Plus tomorrow is a workout day and I can't be drugged up on medications that make you drowsy and dizzy!
Now it's Tuesday, I carpooled to work after taking the day off yesterday, and I'm walking (and talking) a little slow. I hope to hit the gym tonight once the meds wear off (only cardio, I promise!), but I still plan on carpooling again tomorrow once the next dose kicks in.
I just can't believe that I have to go through all this just because I did something stupid. Especially as stupid as standing on my head! I'm not 6 years old for goodness sake! I know I have a really hard time slowing down, and that this experience should let me catch my breath, but it's still an inconvenience. It's one thing if you hurt yourself playing sports, or even get rear ended, but there's no excuse for this one!
I think I'll try standing on my feet from now on….
Monday, June 18, 2007
holding loosely
Jeromy left on travel today. Under an hour ago he stopped by my office to say goodbye. Granted, it's only for a night or two, but hey, we're still newlyweds! So far in our ten married months we have only been apart three or so nights, when I had training up in Baltimore last December and stayed with his aunt Cheryl. Jeromy had travel last week too, but at the last minute drove home because he had to pick up an essential part to his equipment. That was nice. Husband slips into bed unexpectedly at 11:30. Before that I couldn't sleep. It's just too weird to sleep alone anymore. But once Jeromy came home, zzzzzzzz!
One really feels the depth of love for another when that person is away. Even for one night. That ache. And I already cleaned the house on Sunday morning before church (yes, really!) so how in the world am I going to keep myself busy tonight?! Now I know why so many people keep their TVs or radios on all the time. It lessons the sense of lonely in the absence of a loved one.
One thing I learned real quick while trying to fall asleep on that Jeromy-less night last week. It is so easy to latch on to another person as your security and comfort and well-being. I realize Jeromy is God's gift and that I should embrace and rejoice in everything that a husband is to a wife, and yet, even though we are one and though Jeromy is my earthly joy, a man can never fill the role of God in my life. But it can be easy to view him that way if I'm not careful. It's easy to be devastated and depressed when we have to be apart, looking to Jeromy to fill me up instead my Creator.
Jeromy is tangible. I see his face and feel his touch and hear his voice. And he is literally mine. But I cannot be sustained by my husband the way God can sustain me. I will not spend eternity as Jeromy's wife because it merely points to my future union with Christ, though I can't see Him yet. I am not promised one more minute with the man I love, and I need to be ok with that. I need to thrive with that mindset so that I'm free to really live and love.
A lot of the time it is very difficult for me to understand how we are to enjoy things on this earth. God gives us good things, but they are still ultimately His. Sometimes I am actually afraid to enjoy something completely because there is always that chance that God will take it away. There is always this nagging in the back of my mind that I am loving something too much, and that when it is gone I will then hurt too much. And that is exactly the place I need to grow. We are to hold things loosely because we serve a God who both gives and takes away. The only thing He does not take away is Himself, and that needs to be enough.
Everything else He gives us is pure grace and nothing more. I don't deserve to call Jeromy mine, but because of grace, I do. I shouldn't have been given the opportunity to go to college and get a decent job, but because of grace, I was. And it is only grace that lets me wake up each morning and walk and eat and breathe. And if God should one day take any or all of those things away, I have to believe He is still good, and that He is and will always be enough.
In the meantime...I get to experience the sweetness of waking up next to my crazy-amazing-bedhead husband, and let me tell you, there's almost nothing better in life than that!
One really feels the depth of love for another when that person is away. Even for one night. That ache. And I already cleaned the house on Sunday morning before church (yes, really!) so how in the world am I going to keep myself busy tonight?! Now I know why so many people keep their TVs or radios on all the time. It lessons the sense of lonely in the absence of a loved one.
One thing I learned real quick while trying to fall asleep on that Jeromy-less night last week. It is so easy to latch on to another person as your security and comfort and well-being. I realize Jeromy is God's gift and that I should embrace and rejoice in everything that a husband is to a wife, and yet, even though we are one and though Jeromy is my earthly joy, a man can never fill the role of God in my life. But it can be easy to view him that way if I'm not careful. It's easy to be devastated and depressed when we have to be apart, looking to Jeromy to fill me up instead my Creator.
Jeromy is tangible. I see his face and feel his touch and hear his voice. And he is literally mine. But I cannot be sustained by my husband the way God can sustain me. I will not spend eternity as Jeromy's wife because it merely points to my future union with Christ, though I can't see Him yet. I am not promised one more minute with the man I love, and I need to be ok with that. I need to thrive with that mindset so that I'm free to really live and love.
A lot of the time it is very difficult for me to understand how we are to enjoy things on this earth. God gives us good things, but they are still ultimately His. Sometimes I am actually afraid to enjoy something completely because there is always that chance that God will take it away. There is always this nagging in the back of my mind that I am loving something too much, and that when it is gone I will then hurt too much. And that is exactly the place I need to grow. We are to hold things loosely because we serve a God who both gives and takes away. The only thing He does not take away is Himself, and that needs to be enough.
Everything else He gives us is pure grace and nothing more. I don't deserve to call Jeromy mine, but because of grace, I do. I shouldn't have been given the opportunity to go to college and get a decent job, but because of grace, I was. And it is only grace that lets me wake up each morning and walk and eat and breathe. And if God should one day take any or all of those things away, I have to believe He is still good, and that He is and will always be enough.
In the meantime...I get to experience the sweetness of waking up next to my crazy-amazing-bedhead husband, and let me tell you, there's almost nothing better in life than that!
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Who's will is it anyway?
I have a degree in Education, and yet I knew during my freshman year of college that I would never be a teacher. I've taught Sunday School and Junior Church (and love that), but I can't imagine myself in a classroom of 20 kids with parents breathing down my neck. I saw just enough of that during my 10 weeks of student teaching, TYVM!
For a while I was feeling like a rebel against God's will. Why would He lead me through all four years of the education program at Pillsbury if He didn't want me to teach -- only to work as a nanny after graduation? I felt like I was running from something hard and undesirable, and I that if I didn't want to do it, then maybe God didn't want me to either...BUT maybe He did, and I was being selfish by doing my own thing.
And who really knows?
People talk about God's "perfect will" and his "make-do-with-the-poor-choices-of-sinners will". You know, when God re-directs, turns us around, closes doors, etc. Well I can't explain God and the way His sovereignty works in harmony with man's free will, but I take consolation in his foreknowledge as backup. :) And I can't even explain how THAT ability plays out in His plan, since time doesn't even actually exist! So all I really have left is simple trust, if I can dig around long enough in my heart to find it. I digress...
So here I am, still no desire to teach beyond the confines of volunteer church ministry, but, unbelievably, I am still actually using my degree!!! Well, not technically, but at least it helped boost my resume! I am actually using more of my nanny experiential wisdom in my present job than anything else. I don't know if this is where God meant for me to go, from His eternal perspective, but in some crazy God-sized way, I am exactly where He wants me now. I can't say for sure if He ever wants me to teach (please no, please no!!), but it's only NOW that I have to worry about...or rather, focus on.
Last Fall while I was still doing the head-holding, gum-suctioning in oral surgery, I finally relented to this most likely false nagging in my head that I at least needed to give teaching a chance. I applied as a substitute at the local Christian school. I was on edge the whole time, scared beyond all sense, and yet I was proud of myself for at least finding out if teaching could ever be any sort of option for me. The faculty seemed so excited to see me, I expected a call right away. Well I waited...and waited. A month later I thought, "this is crazy," and I applied to other non-teaching positions in totally unrelated fields. And eventually I got hired to take calls from community parents looking for licensed child care and offering them counseling! And I don't even have kids!
Once I received this job, I immediately assumed this would finally close the door on the teaching issue. God had answered my nagging guilt and was more than pleased with my effort to give Him and His will (perfect or otherwise) a chance, as if the whole thing were a test and I had passed by taking the high road. And now I do not need to expect any call to the classroom ever again.
*sigh*
Sometimes I still catch myself with that mindset, as though I have discerned the mind of God in this regard and that I know God will never ask me to teach. And it's still totally my choice, I know that well. But if I don't care enough to even pray about it, can I really say this is God's will? Probably not....at least in one sense. I keep telling myself that if God wants me to teach someday, then He's going to have to give me the desire to teach, or it's a sure sign it's NOT His will. I think, "Well, one ought to enjoy teaching or one will surely inflict a negative influence on those students!" The excuses are endless.
Well, I know there are a million things in life I would rather not do that are, in fact, His will. Making dinner (I despise cooking), working out (especially at 6a.m.!), maintaining a positive attitude (I have a worry tendency) and, at times, speaking to my husband with humility (I am always right, after all!). These are just hard things, and yet they are God's will. So I know that "desire" logic doesn't work.
I do know that there is nothing God calls me to do that will not bring me joy in some form. I just don't like doing things unless on my own tems and in my own time. If someone tells me to do something, I internally feel defensive because even though I may very well want to do that thing, the fact that I wasn't the one to bring it up or decide when and how to do it somehow makes me mad! Isn't that annoying? I don't get that. But since God knows me better than I do, I know I need to work on resting in His ability to appoint tasks and roles that are suited for me whenever and however He sees fit (even if that includes teaching one day). Is it as easy as that? No. And why is resting the most difficult thing in life? (but that's another blog). I'm sure I'll still put up a fuss and pound the floor with my fists a few times, but He'll bring me around.
For now I'll just relish this moment because it could change in a heartbeat. Looking back I see clearly the string of events (bread crumbs, I like to call it!) that brought me to this place and time. A college diploma, a few mistakes made and lessons learned, a pressing through the unknown, a purchased plane ticket, and a hope and anticipation for something good. And it's ALWAYS good.
btw, the principal of that Christian school goes to my church, and I sat next to her last week during the service, and she didn't even remember where she knew me from! ha!
For a while I was feeling like a rebel against God's will. Why would He lead me through all four years of the education program at Pillsbury if He didn't want me to teach -- only to work as a nanny after graduation? I felt like I was running from something hard and undesirable, and I that if I didn't want to do it, then maybe God didn't want me to either...BUT maybe He did, and I was being selfish by doing my own thing.
And who really knows?
People talk about God's "perfect will" and his "make-do-with-the-poor-choices-of-sinners will". You know, when God re-directs, turns us around, closes doors, etc. Well I can't explain God and the way His sovereignty works in harmony with man's free will, but I take consolation in his foreknowledge as backup. :) And I can't even explain how THAT ability plays out in His plan, since time doesn't even actually exist! So all I really have left is simple trust, if I can dig around long enough in my heart to find it. I digress...
So here I am, still no desire to teach beyond the confines of volunteer church ministry, but, unbelievably, I am still actually using my degree!!! Well, not technically, but at least it helped boost my resume! I am actually using more of my nanny experiential wisdom in my present job than anything else. I don't know if this is where God meant for me to go, from His eternal perspective, but in some crazy God-sized way, I am exactly where He wants me now. I can't say for sure if He ever wants me to teach (please no, please no!!), but it's only NOW that I have to worry about...or rather, focus on.
Last Fall while I was still doing the head-holding, gum-suctioning in oral surgery, I finally relented to this most likely false nagging in my head that I at least needed to give teaching a chance. I applied as a substitute at the local Christian school. I was on edge the whole time, scared beyond all sense, and yet I was proud of myself for at least finding out if teaching could ever be any sort of option for me. The faculty seemed so excited to see me, I expected a call right away. Well I waited...and waited. A month later I thought, "this is crazy," and I applied to other non-teaching positions in totally unrelated fields. And eventually I got hired to take calls from community parents looking for licensed child care and offering them counseling! And I don't even have kids!
Once I received this job, I immediately assumed this would finally close the door on the teaching issue. God had answered my nagging guilt and was more than pleased with my effort to give Him and His will (perfect or otherwise) a chance, as if the whole thing were a test and I had passed by taking the high road. And now I do not need to expect any call to the classroom ever again.
*sigh*
Sometimes I still catch myself with that mindset, as though I have discerned the mind of God in this regard and that I know God will never ask me to teach. And it's still totally my choice, I know that well. But if I don't care enough to even pray about it, can I really say this is God's will? Probably not....at least in one sense. I keep telling myself that if God wants me to teach someday, then He's going to have to give me the desire to teach, or it's a sure sign it's NOT His will. I think, "Well, one ought to enjoy teaching or one will surely inflict a negative influence on those students!" The excuses are endless.
Well, I know there are a million things in life I would rather not do that are, in fact, His will. Making dinner (I despise cooking), working out (especially at 6a.m.!), maintaining a positive attitude (I have a worry tendency) and, at times, speaking to my husband with humility (I am always right, after all!). These are just hard things, and yet they are God's will. So I know that "desire" logic doesn't work.
I do know that there is nothing God calls me to do that will not bring me joy in some form. I just don't like doing things unless on my own tems and in my own time. If someone tells me to do something, I internally feel defensive because even though I may very well want to do that thing, the fact that I wasn't the one to bring it up or decide when and how to do it somehow makes me mad! Isn't that annoying? I don't get that. But since God knows me better than I do, I know I need to work on resting in His ability to appoint tasks and roles that are suited for me whenever and however He sees fit (even if that includes teaching one day). Is it as easy as that? No. And why is resting the most difficult thing in life? (but that's another blog). I'm sure I'll still put up a fuss and pound the floor with my fists a few times, but He'll bring me around.
For now I'll just relish this moment because it could change in a heartbeat. Looking back I see clearly the string of events (bread crumbs, I like to call it!) that brought me to this place and time. A college diploma, a few mistakes made and lessons learned, a pressing through the unknown, a purchased plane ticket, and a hope and anticipation for something good. And it's ALWAYS good.
btw, the principal of that Christian school goes to my church, and I sat next to her last week during the service, and she didn't even remember where she knew me from! ha!
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
In all circumstances
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:4-7).
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you " (I Thessalonians 5:16-18).
*****
Taking a fresh look at these verses. More like it, taking a fresh look at God. At myself. At life. Being a Christian for 21 years doesn't mean anything. Sometimes I feel like I'm just starting out, like I just found out there is a God. Sometimes I don't even know what faith is. And most of the time I don't deal well with having to trust. That implies limited or no understanding, and that's hard. But since "control freak" and "Christian" don't go together, I know I can't camp here. Not if I want to be happy, or at least finally grasp what it means to live with joy.
This time I can't bring myself to renew the same promises, nor trick myself into thinking I've repented. It has never worked. I can't just pray and say, "Ok, God, you can have me" while hoping for the best. All I know to do is grab a hold of God's pinkie and pray for Him to get me through this moment. And the next moment. And the next. I have to live in the present. I know I am still going to fail and let my emotions reign, but I can't live like that's a sure thing unless I want to defeat myself. It would also cause me to miss out on moments of peace and opportunities to praise.
This is so not easy for me. To praise when life throws a curve? Are you kidding?! I set out to make something work, and it's gonna work!!!
For so long I've had all the right answers. I've quoted Scripture and believed all the right things. But seldom have I thought about this realistically. Of course all you do is trust and obey! There's no other way to be happy in Jesus! That's sanctification in a nutshell. Two little words even a 5-year-old can quote. Sounds simple enough…until you wind up in a "circumstance".
I would venture to say most people have several "circumstances" on any given day. We make small things big, and big things bigger. We find ourselves stressed or frustrated or hurt or angry or disappointed or just plain ugly! Sometimes I feel all of the above and boy is that is a circumstance! Tell me then. Tell me in that moment to trust and obey! Ha! You'll see me turn m my heel and walk the other direction! I could even read it straight out of Scripture, only to shut the Book and go do my own thing. I'm just being real that it's difficult to believe God amid circumstance. So how can I consider praise?
I realize that I am responding in the flesh with these words. I know all too well that the Spirit provides a wealth of faith if I will just draw from it. Yet in the moment all I can see is the problem and the unfairness of it. Of the unfairness of God. I don't like those thoughts but I have to confess them. It doesn't matter what the circumstance is, whatever I face is big and hopeless and final and "out to get me". I see God as something of a trickster, Who gives only to take away, as if life is just one big test and you can't really fully enjoy anything or it will be snatched away. A God Who wants to pour nothing but difficulty into our laps when we submit to Him. A Being who doesn't really care about our happiness, only our holiness.
What has happened to my understanding of God? Why do I fall trap to these lies again and again?
I'm weary of knowing all the right answers and them not being real in my life. I desperately want a correct view of God so I can fully learn to trust Him with my deepest being and my most beloved possessions. I want to find the link between happiness and holiness, an understanding that stems from more than a textbook explanation. I even want to find, in spite of myself, praise spilling from my mouth in the darkest of moments and with the heaviest of hearts.I really want to get this!
If it ever happens I know that it will be ALL Spirit and none of me, because praise is only natural if I'm directing it at myself. I need to figure out what happened to my new heart and pull it back up to the surface and recover that song that's been lying dormant. And I must not look ahead of this day (often this hour!) or else I will surely conjure up a million negative scenarios that will most likely never take place, and I will spend an hour worrying about it and maybe even crying a little. Over something that is not true! I forecast all these horrible things that will happen and cause misery. A "nothing is fair and nobody cares" mentality; all of it destructive.
It's the lies.
I need Truth!
And so I picked up an old Catherine Marshall read called, Something More. And she has been there! Halleluiah!! I have found somebody with whom I can relate! Most of the time people hide behind their perfect faces and perfect families and perfect schedules. I'm guilty along with the rest of them. Transparency leaves us feeling vulnerable, and so it's much safer to keep our hearts in the shadows and merely socialize instead of experience true fellowship. Can we even find fellowship anymore? Ahh….thank goodness for the blog. He never lets me down and I feel safe with him.
I don't need people to tell me what to believe or do, I need people to tell me they understand.
Something More isn't preachy. It doesn't provide Scriptural pat answers nor a false sense of security like some do. Ms. Marshall fully recognizes that this stuff isn't easy. She's more like, "I'm right there with ya, girl, but let's not give up!" She certainly doesn't claim to completely understand God, nor His ways. I imagine she struggled as a Christian up until her last breath. But she provides hope amid the struggle. The little snippets of her experience (the defeats as well as the victories) and the anecdotes of other saints who also didn't give up seem to be just what I need. She isn't afraid to ask the hard questions, no matter how silly they sound in light of Scripture's clarity. She knows that faith is so much easier to discuss in a Bible study than it is to practice in the real world. "Is God in everything?" is her first question. Even in evil such as death, illness, and suffering? And while Ms. Marshall's answer is "Yes", she doesn't eliminate the struggle to accept this, even after a biblical monologue painting a better understanding of God.
While I am slow in coming around, the answers are making their way to my heart, and I am facing them, as I mentioned earlier, in a fresh way. Learning and meditation is the step I'm on, and it is a process. I know I will fall, so all I can aim for is a conscious desire to get right back up.
*****
"Grim circumstances of quite a different nature faced our Dutch friend Corrie ten Boom and her sister Betsie during World War II in Ravensbruck, the Nazi concentration camp. The sisters had been hauled off to prison for aiding Jews in the Dutch underground in their native village of Haalem" (Marshall 28).
Although found in chapter 2 of Catherine Marshall's Something More (pp. 28-29), the following is taken from The Hiding Place (Washington Depot, Conn.: Chosen Books, 1971), pp. 180-181.
At one period of their imprisonment Corrie and Betsie were transferred from crowded cells (where they had been separated for months) to Barracks 28. Within the hour they discovered that their reeking straw bed pads were crawling with fleas.
"How can we live in such a place!" Corrie wailed softly.
Without answering, Betsie immediately began praying, "Show us, Lord. Show us how." Then a moment later excitedly, "Corrie, He's given us the answer! I read it in the Bible this morning. Here—read that part again." It was in I Thessalonians. "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus—"
"That's it, Corrie! We're to thank Him for every single thing about the new barracks."
"Such as?" Corrie was trying to look with fresh eyes at the half-dark, foul-smelling room."
"Such as being together here."
"Oh yes.""And having managed so far to hang onto that Bible."
"Yes—oh, yes. Thank You, Lord, for that."
"And for the fleas—"
"Betsie, I see no way I can thank God for fleas."
"But fleas are part of this place where God has put us. 'Give thanks in all circumstances,' it says. Not just pleasant circumstances."
So the two women thanked God for the fleas.As the days wore on the prisoners in Barracks 28 discovered that there was an astonishing lack of supervision or interference. Corrie and Betsie used the unprecedented freedom to talk to the other prisoners, read the Bible to them, minister in a myriad ways.
Then one day a supervisor tipped her hand as to why they were given so much latitude. Some of the women had called through the grilled door to ask the supervisor to come and settle a dispute. She refused, as did the guards. "That place is crawling with fleas," the supervisor said. "I wouldn't step through the door."
Corrie's mind rushed back to their first hour in the barracks and to their rueful prayer thanking God for fleas. When she looked up, Betsie was chuckling, her eyes sparkling. "So now we know why we were supposed to praise Him even for fleas. Even the fleas had to be His instrument for our good."
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you " (I Thessalonians 5:16-18).
*****
Taking a fresh look at these verses. More like it, taking a fresh look at God. At myself. At life. Being a Christian for 21 years doesn't mean anything. Sometimes I feel like I'm just starting out, like I just found out there is a God. Sometimes I don't even know what faith is. And most of the time I don't deal well with having to trust. That implies limited or no understanding, and that's hard. But since "control freak" and "Christian" don't go together, I know I can't camp here. Not if I want to be happy, or at least finally grasp what it means to live with joy.
This time I can't bring myself to renew the same promises, nor trick myself into thinking I've repented. It has never worked. I can't just pray and say, "Ok, God, you can have me" while hoping for the best. All I know to do is grab a hold of God's pinkie and pray for Him to get me through this moment. And the next moment. And the next. I have to live in the present. I know I am still going to fail and let my emotions reign, but I can't live like that's a sure thing unless I want to defeat myself. It would also cause me to miss out on moments of peace and opportunities to praise.
This is so not easy for me. To praise when life throws a curve? Are you kidding?! I set out to make something work, and it's gonna work!!!
For so long I've had all the right answers. I've quoted Scripture and believed all the right things. But seldom have I thought about this realistically. Of course all you do is trust and obey! There's no other way to be happy in Jesus! That's sanctification in a nutshell. Two little words even a 5-year-old can quote. Sounds simple enough…until you wind up in a "circumstance".
I would venture to say most people have several "circumstances" on any given day. We make small things big, and big things bigger. We find ourselves stressed or frustrated or hurt or angry or disappointed or just plain ugly! Sometimes I feel all of the above and boy is that is a circumstance! Tell me then. Tell me in that moment to trust and obey! Ha! You'll see me turn m my heel and walk the other direction! I could even read it straight out of Scripture, only to shut the Book and go do my own thing. I'm just being real that it's difficult to believe God amid circumstance. So how can I consider praise?
I realize that I am responding in the flesh with these words. I know all too well that the Spirit provides a wealth of faith if I will just draw from it. Yet in the moment all I can see is the problem and the unfairness of it. Of the unfairness of God. I don't like those thoughts but I have to confess them. It doesn't matter what the circumstance is, whatever I face is big and hopeless and final and "out to get me". I see God as something of a trickster, Who gives only to take away, as if life is just one big test and you can't really fully enjoy anything or it will be snatched away. A God Who wants to pour nothing but difficulty into our laps when we submit to Him. A Being who doesn't really care about our happiness, only our holiness.
What has happened to my understanding of God? Why do I fall trap to these lies again and again?
I'm weary of knowing all the right answers and them not being real in my life. I desperately want a correct view of God so I can fully learn to trust Him with my deepest being and my most beloved possessions. I want to find the link between happiness and holiness, an understanding that stems from more than a textbook explanation. I even want to find, in spite of myself, praise spilling from my mouth in the darkest of moments and with the heaviest of hearts.I really want to get this!
If it ever happens I know that it will be ALL Spirit and none of me, because praise is only natural if I'm directing it at myself. I need to figure out what happened to my new heart and pull it back up to the surface and recover that song that's been lying dormant. And I must not look ahead of this day (often this hour!) or else I will surely conjure up a million negative scenarios that will most likely never take place, and I will spend an hour worrying about it and maybe even crying a little. Over something that is not true! I forecast all these horrible things that will happen and cause misery. A "nothing is fair and nobody cares" mentality; all of it destructive.
It's the lies.
I need Truth!
And so I picked up an old Catherine Marshall read called, Something More. And she has been there! Halleluiah!! I have found somebody with whom I can relate! Most of the time people hide behind their perfect faces and perfect families and perfect schedules. I'm guilty along with the rest of them. Transparency leaves us feeling vulnerable, and so it's much safer to keep our hearts in the shadows and merely socialize instead of experience true fellowship. Can we even find fellowship anymore? Ahh….thank goodness for the blog. He never lets me down and I feel safe with him.
I don't need people to tell me what to believe or do, I need people to tell me they understand.
Something More isn't preachy. It doesn't provide Scriptural pat answers nor a false sense of security like some do. Ms. Marshall fully recognizes that this stuff isn't easy. She's more like, "I'm right there with ya, girl, but let's not give up!" She certainly doesn't claim to completely understand God, nor His ways. I imagine she struggled as a Christian up until her last breath. But she provides hope amid the struggle. The little snippets of her experience (the defeats as well as the victories) and the anecdotes of other saints who also didn't give up seem to be just what I need. She isn't afraid to ask the hard questions, no matter how silly they sound in light of Scripture's clarity. She knows that faith is so much easier to discuss in a Bible study than it is to practice in the real world. "Is God in everything?" is her first question. Even in evil such as death, illness, and suffering? And while Ms. Marshall's answer is "Yes", she doesn't eliminate the struggle to accept this, even after a biblical monologue painting a better understanding of God.
While I am slow in coming around, the answers are making their way to my heart, and I am facing them, as I mentioned earlier, in a fresh way. Learning and meditation is the step I'm on, and it is a process. I know I will fall, so all I can aim for is a conscious desire to get right back up.
*****
"Grim circumstances of quite a different nature faced our Dutch friend Corrie ten Boom and her sister Betsie during World War II in Ravensbruck, the Nazi concentration camp. The sisters had been hauled off to prison for aiding Jews in the Dutch underground in their native village of Haalem" (Marshall 28).
Although found in chapter 2 of Catherine Marshall's Something More (pp. 28-29), the following is taken from The Hiding Place (Washington Depot, Conn.: Chosen Books, 1971), pp. 180-181.
At one period of their imprisonment Corrie and Betsie were transferred from crowded cells (where they had been separated for months) to Barracks 28. Within the hour they discovered that their reeking straw bed pads were crawling with fleas.
"How can we live in such a place!" Corrie wailed softly.
Without answering, Betsie immediately began praying, "Show us, Lord. Show us how." Then a moment later excitedly, "Corrie, He's given us the answer! I read it in the Bible this morning. Here—read that part again." It was in I Thessalonians. "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus—"
"That's it, Corrie! We're to thank Him for every single thing about the new barracks."
"Such as?" Corrie was trying to look with fresh eyes at the half-dark, foul-smelling room."
"Such as being together here."
"Oh yes.""And having managed so far to hang onto that Bible."
"Yes—oh, yes. Thank You, Lord, for that."
"And for the fleas—"
"Betsie, I see no way I can thank God for fleas."
"But fleas are part of this place where God has put us. 'Give thanks in all circumstances,' it says. Not just pleasant circumstances."
So the two women thanked God for the fleas.As the days wore on the prisoners in Barracks 28 discovered that there was an astonishing lack of supervision or interference. Corrie and Betsie used the unprecedented freedom to talk to the other prisoners, read the Bible to them, minister in a myriad ways.
Then one day a supervisor tipped her hand as to why they were given so much latitude. Some of the women had called through the grilled door to ask the supervisor to come and settle a dispute. She refused, as did the guards. "That place is crawling with fleas," the supervisor said. "I wouldn't step through the door."
Corrie's mind rushed back to their first hour in the barracks and to their rueful prayer thanking God for fleas. When she looked up, Betsie was chuckling, her eyes sparkling. "So now we know why we were supposed to praise Him even for fleas. Even the fleas had to be His instrument for our good."
Friday, March 30, 2007
Feeding on spiritual meat
I should clarify a couple things about this blog...
I think where I am going with the theology topic pertains to a swing in the opposite direction from what I experienced growing up.
On one hand, you have those who think they are right about every theological detail, to the extent where the point of separation even includes dogmatic stances on "gray" issues. I have seen that over and over... pious splits over Bible versions, Tulip points, and whether one is a dichotomist or trichotomist (meaning, are our beings comprised of two components–body & soul, or three—body, soul, and spirit? All basically futile in argument.) I will say, while the study of the differing views can be healthy and lead to Christian growth (if in the right spirit), they are definitely NOT essentials to the Christian walk.
However, we are noticing the pendulum swing to the other extreme: individuals, churches, and even recent Christian movements that focus on relationship with Christ (which is good), but they, too, are unbalanced. The relationship remains sort of a mystical relationship because there is no substance. They don't know much about the God to whom they are praying because relationship is emphasized over in-depth study of His Word. And both are so crucial!
Now that I'm out of my Bible college bubble I realize that being a Christian isn't about legalistic rules. Yes, freedom in Christ is a beautiful thing! Yet that doesn't give us an excuse to remain ignorant about the character and working of God through what is called theology. Theology simply means the study of God. If we neglect that, our faith is going to be based on fluff. And even those of us who have received a foundation in theology, if the study of God is not emphasized, will raise children and grandchildren who run the risk of developing unbalanced Christian lives.
People "do" theology every day without even knowing it. We all stand for views we know little about. I am guilty of that all the time! We will not truly have an authentic relationship with God unless we know who He is. And we won't know who He is without diving into His Word. So I guess the purpose of this blog is, without bringing up the other end of the pendulum or rather, assuming it exists (theological arrogance and legalism, that is), I am just hoping for more of a balance. And that we as individual Christians can be instrumental in encouraging our churches toward this balance by our life example.
You can't have substance without relationship, and you can't have relationship without substance. I am simply focusing on the latter statement, which is a new trend I've experienced at this time and in this corner of the world. I'm not experiencing the former statement as much as I used to, though it still exists.
I was hoping the last few paragraphs would bring the balance aspect to light, but clarification can be a good thing. So please read the following with this tedious and unintentionally preachy disclaimer in mind. :)
Any takers to start the first ever perfect church??? j/k
**********
Jeromy and I have felt a huge need for the local church to offer classes/courses in theology. I think a lot of pew-sitting Christians hold to a blind faith, and that the biggest reason they fear sharing their faith is because they don't know what they believe or why, or at least can't explain it. I went to Bible college and still don't have answers to many, many questions! Maybe the church is comfortable with settling for this kind of shallow understanding of their faith. It's easier to be ignorant about tough questions and just simply follow a list of rules.
Christians today seem to want to appear spiritual/godly. We want to know we are ok, yet we don't want to check our innermost being that God knows all too well. We're afraid of what we'll find...that we're not as spiritual as we thought. We are afraid we will find complacency and arrogance.
But...a new heart will push past the tension and probe the depths. That's maturity. True faith will want to grasp concepts like "sola scriptura" and to be able to understand why the ESV version of the Bible is just as ok to read as the KJV, that the text is still inspired. A new heart will seek out and take advantage of opportunities to grow in knowledge and truth, so that we can accurately pave the way for a lost soul to know our Savior too. But for the very least, for our own growing experience!
Many doubt the sufficiency of Scripture, or even the relevance of learning theology. The fact is, we can find answers to most of life's questions, at least with as much revelation as God has given us. We can't, however, accurately solve age-old debates such as God's sovereignty vs. man's free will nor explain the Trinity, which is not even a biblical term, etc. Because God is God, there will always be some element of mystery.
But...I believe we can understand more than we think. We shrink from the questions of others because they boggle our own minds. If only the church (I say the church because this should be the highest equipping priority) would do more than preach morality and allow their congregation--struggling saints like you and me--the chance to really know our faith, this wouldn't be as big an issue. But instead they resort to Sunday School lessons and potlucks. (Not as a rule, but a very real trend.) There is no excuse, with the wealth of resources out there from which to choose. And even then, what it really comes down to is individuals taking responsibility for their own sanctification. Go beyond sitting in the pew. Get involved. Start a home study. Learn how to read and apply the Bible. Purchase a Greek or Hebrew lexicon even!
Jeromy has been taking a couple of online theology classes, and I have been fascinated, going through the material and video sessions with him. I am learning things that I had forgotten or wasn't even taught in my own doctrine courses! These sessions are greatly helping me understand things like why I can trust Scripture is inerrant as well as infallible, and things like why I believe one cannot lose their salvation. They are answering questions most believers hold in their hearts, including some who just don't care enough to pursue answers, or simply don't believe answers are out there. Or, perhaps they are afraid of what God might ask of them once they lose their ignorance by gaining insight. Do we want God to use our lives or don't we?
I'm just saying theology is good and needed and too often underrated among believers in general. There is maturity in wanting to know what you believe and why. It's sanctifying and God calls us to it. We can only feast on "milk" for so long before we are found out!
However, there is a crucial balance that becomes difficult when one begins to pursue theology. I have met too many seminary students and grads who speak of their simple faith and passion for God drying up because they have immersed themselves in words like efficacious, soteriology, and imputation. So we must be careful to keep perspective.
In sum, at times the church is often sub-par when it comes to equipping its saints in this way. Each generation of ignorant Christians is only going to produce the same. At the same time, teaching theology for the purpose of knowing God and desiring Him more is the objective that is probably most biblical. We study because we love God and want to emulate His Son, not because it will make us into prideful know-it-alls and great debaters. We are to speak the truth in love, but we must first be thoroughly familiar with what that truth is.
And while we encourage our local churches to see and meet the need for deeper theological understanding of their members, each one of us must still take the initiative because we are adults.
I think where I am going with the theology topic pertains to a swing in the opposite direction from what I experienced growing up.
On one hand, you have those who think they are right about every theological detail, to the extent where the point of separation even includes dogmatic stances on "gray" issues. I have seen that over and over... pious splits over Bible versions, Tulip points, and whether one is a dichotomist or trichotomist (meaning, are our beings comprised of two components–body & soul, or three—body, soul, and spirit? All basically futile in argument.) I will say, while the study of the differing views can be healthy and lead to Christian growth (if in the right spirit), they are definitely NOT essentials to the Christian walk.
However, we are noticing the pendulum swing to the other extreme: individuals, churches, and even recent Christian movements that focus on relationship with Christ (which is good), but they, too, are unbalanced. The relationship remains sort of a mystical relationship because there is no substance. They don't know much about the God to whom they are praying because relationship is emphasized over in-depth study of His Word. And both are so crucial!
Now that I'm out of my Bible college bubble I realize that being a Christian isn't about legalistic rules. Yes, freedom in Christ is a beautiful thing! Yet that doesn't give us an excuse to remain ignorant about the character and working of God through what is called theology. Theology simply means the study of God. If we neglect that, our faith is going to be based on fluff. And even those of us who have received a foundation in theology, if the study of God is not emphasized, will raise children and grandchildren who run the risk of developing unbalanced Christian lives.
People "do" theology every day without even knowing it. We all stand for views we know little about. I am guilty of that all the time! We will not truly have an authentic relationship with God unless we know who He is. And we won't know who He is without diving into His Word. So I guess the purpose of this blog is, without bringing up the other end of the pendulum or rather, assuming it exists (theological arrogance and legalism, that is), I am just hoping for more of a balance. And that we as individual Christians can be instrumental in encouraging our churches toward this balance by our life example.
You can't have substance without relationship, and you can't have relationship without substance. I am simply focusing on the latter statement, which is a new trend I've experienced at this time and in this corner of the world. I'm not experiencing the former statement as much as I used to, though it still exists.
I was hoping the last few paragraphs would bring the balance aspect to light, but clarification can be a good thing. So please read the following with this tedious and unintentionally preachy disclaimer in mind. :)
Any takers to start the first ever perfect church??? j/k
**********
Jeromy and I have felt a huge need for the local church to offer classes/courses in theology. I think a lot of pew-sitting Christians hold to a blind faith, and that the biggest reason they fear sharing their faith is because they don't know what they believe or why, or at least can't explain it. I went to Bible college and still don't have answers to many, many questions! Maybe the church is comfortable with settling for this kind of shallow understanding of their faith. It's easier to be ignorant about tough questions and just simply follow a list of rules.
Christians today seem to want to appear spiritual/godly. We want to know we are ok, yet we don't want to check our innermost being that God knows all too well. We're afraid of what we'll find...that we're not as spiritual as we thought. We are afraid we will find complacency and arrogance.
But...a new heart will push past the tension and probe the depths. That's maturity. True faith will want to grasp concepts like "sola scriptura" and to be able to understand why the ESV version of the Bible is just as ok to read as the KJV, that the text is still inspired. A new heart will seek out and take advantage of opportunities to grow in knowledge and truth, so that we can accurately pave the way for a lost soul to know our Savior too. But for the very least, for our own growing experience!
Many doubt the sufficiency of Scripture, or even the relevance of learning theology. The fact is, we can find answers to most of life's questions, at least with as much revelation as God has given us. We can't, however, accurately solve age-old debates such as God's sovereignty vs. man's free will nor explain the Trinity, which is not even a biblical term, etc. Because God is God, there will always be some element of mystery.
But...I believe we can understand more than we think. We shrink from the questions of others because they boggle our own minds. If only the church (I say the church because this should be the highest equipping priority) would do more than preach morality and allow their congregation--struggling saints like you and me--the chance to really know our faith, this wouldn't be as big an issue. But instead they resort to Sunday School lessons and potlucks. (Not as a rule, but a very real trend.) There is no excuse, with the wealth of resources out there from which to choose. And even then, what it really comes down to is individuals taking responsibility for their own sanctification. Go beyond sitting in the pew. Get involved. Start a home study. Learn how to read and apply the Bible. Purchase a Greek or Hebrew lexicon even!
Jeromy has been taking a couple of online theology classes, and I have been fascinated, going through the material and video sessions with him. I am learning things that I had forgotten or wasn't even taught in my own doctrine courses! These sessions are greatly helping me understand things like why I can trust Scripture is inerrant as well as infallible, and things like why I believe one cannot lose their salvation. They are answering questions most believers hold in their hearts, including some who just don't care enough to pursue answers, or simply don't believe answers are out there. Or, perhaps they are afraid of what God might ask of them once they lose their ignorance by gaining insight. Do we want God to use our lives or don't we?
I'm just saying theology is good and needed and too often underrated among believers in general. There is maturity in wanting to know what you believe and why. It's sanctifying and God calls us to it. We can only feast on "milk" for so long before we are found out!
However, there is a crucial balance that becomes difficult when one begins to pursue theology. I have met too many seminary students and grads who speak of their simple faith and passion for God drying up because they have immersed themselves in words like efficacious, soteriology, and imputation. So we must be careful to keep perspective.
In sum, at times the church is often sub-par when it comes to equipping its saints in this way. Each generation of ignorant Christians is only going to produce the same. At the same time, teaching theology for the purpose of knowing God and desiring Him more is the objective that is probably most biblical. We study because we love God and want to emulate His Son, not because it will make us into prideful know-it-alls and great debaters. We are to speak the truth in love, but we must first be thoroughly familiar with what that truth is.
And while we encourage our local churches to see and meet the need for deeper theological understanding of their members, each one of us must still take the initiative because we are adults.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
American Idol contestant Chris Sligh...my kin???
Even though he didn't win, it was fun to watch!
*****
Jeromy and I don't have cable. We both grew up with the TV on in our homes non-stop, and now we've chosen not to create an entertainment center shrine in our living room. The main reasons are, first, that we don't want to waste our lives mindlessly clicking the remote. The other is to escape most of the trash that permeates the tube.
I do catch Food Network shows at the gym (Go Rachel Ray!), and on occasion we do watch movies on our actual TV set, but we just don't pay for further television reception. In fact, we recommend the two most recent flicks we rented: "The End of the Spear" and the 2006 version of "The Ten Commandments". Both are highly engaging as well as thought-provoking -- yes, and entertaining. Still, they both resulted in sanctifying conversations between Jeromy and I after viewing them. I like movies that do that.
However, there is a downside to forgoing TV, and that is because I just found out one of my relatives is on American Idol! No joke.
Now, I've only watched one season of that highly overrated show, which was the year of the infamous William Hung. I literally couldn't help it. At the time I was working as a nanny for a family enthralled with American Idol. I would be hiding in the basement typing up emails while upstairs they blasted the show on their plasma TV and surround sound. I simply could not NOT hear it. I would be typing away, occasionally snickering at the latest contestant flop. Then I heard for the first time that now-familiar Asian voice belting out those unforgettable lyrics, "She bangs." I shall go no further with that. However, it got me upstairs and I ended up watching the rest of the season. I am a sucker. Thank you, Sweeney family. :)
Today my mom sent me an email with pictures of this guy named Chris Sligh. Apparently he's married to my second cousin Sarah (formerly) Quebe. Years ago we used to play in barns and trees at family reunions. They live in South Carolina now, so I probably haven't seen this girl for 10 years or more. Now she's married to Chris Sligh, a presently advancing contestant on American Idol, 2007. Wow. Makes me want cable just to see that. However, I did find some videos on YouTube of Chris' initial performance. Check it out. Let me know how he does since, you know, we're losers by the world's standard and don't have TV.
Looks like Chris has got voice AND charisma. Plus hair Richard Simmons only dreams about.
*****
Jeromy and I don't have cable. We both grew up with the TV on in our homes non-stop, and now we've chosen not to create an entertainment center shrine in our living room. The main reasons are, first, that we don't want to waste our lives mindlessly clicking the remote. The other is to escape most of the trash that permeates the tube.
I do catch Food Network shows at the gym (Go Rachel Ray!), and on occasion we do watch movies on our actual TV set, but we just don't pay for further television reception. In fact, we recommend the two most recent flicks we rented: "The End of the Spear" and the 2006 version of "The Ten Commandments". Both are highly engaging as well as thought-provoking -- yes, and entertaining. Still, they both resulted in sanctifying conversations between Jeromy and I after viewing them. I like movies that do that.
However, there is a downside to forgoing TV, and that is because I just found out one of my relatives is on American Idol! No joke.
Now, I've only watched one season of that highly overrated show, which was the year of the infamous William Hung. I literally couldn't help it. At the time I was working as a nanny for a family enthralled with American Idol. I would be hiding in the basement typing up emails while upstairs they blasted the show on their plasma TV and surround sound. I simply could not NOT hear it. I would be typing away, occasionally snickering at the latest contestant flop. Then I heard for the first time that now-familiar Asian voice belting out those unforgettable lyrics, "She bangs." I shall go no further with that. However, it got me upstairs and I ended up watching the rest of the season. I am a sucker. Thank you, Sweeney family. :)
Today my mom sent me an email with pictures of this guy named Chris Sligh. Apparently he's married to my second cousin Sarah (formerly) Quebe. Years ago we used to play in barns and trees at family reunions. They live in South Carolina now, so I probably haven't seen this girl for 10 years or more. Now she's married to Chris Sligh, a presently advancing contestant on American Idol, 2007. Wow. Makes me want cable just to see that. However, I did find some videos on YouTube of Chris' initial performance. Check it out. Let me know how he does since, you know, we're losers by the world's standard and don't have TV.
Looks like Chris has got voice AND charisma. Plus hair Richard Simmons only dreams about.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Speeding Heart
Most of the time when I'm driving on my local freeway, I notice that each vehicle acts independently from the other surrounding vehicles. And I mean to the extreme. Everybody wants to be first in line; nobody enjoys being cut off or slowed down. Today I noticed something different.
Living on a peninsula, there are only two main roads that run north and south: Routes 5 and 235. Southern Maryland is growing rapidly, as, it seems, everywhere else. The result is increased traffic on the road most heavily traveled to various workplaces around the county. 235 is crazy enough, and on top of that the speed limit is just 55mph.
I have a 30 minute drive to work, and it's just not fun to be on the road for an hour every day. I am constantly tempted to push 60...then 70, and I admit I average a speed of 70mph during the daily commute. The battle with the old nature is strong sometimes, especially in circumstances where breaking the law is accepted by the norm. And especially when 70mph is the flow of traffic.
Every time my speedometer reaches or passes 70mph my eyes are the widest and my heart beats the quickest. 'Is that a cop?' I reputedly ask myself, carefully judging each vehicle behind me for lights or Crown Vic characteristics. Cops love to lurk in all the nooks and crannies of 235, and I'm sure it's a rush to squeal their tires on the random casual speeder.
I have to say, God seems to give me the most grace during that drive to work! I've only had one speeding ticket in my life, and that was three years ago. Never mind that I was the only vehicle on a straight rural freeway. I just wonder how many tickets I really deserve! I'm sure most of us would confess that we'd be broke if we had to pay all those fines!
Back to today....I was about a third of the way to work when I noticed that I was second in line of six cars sandwiched together. There was plenty of room in the right lane, but all stayed left. We were pretty tight, yet all going at the same speed so it felt safe. And then I realized that we were no longer acting independently of one another. We had formed this chain on purpose as a means of protection from receiving a citation! The speed of choice was about 72mph, yet there was no way a cop could have squeezed in between any of us to tag us for speeding, except for maybe the last person. What a genius idea!
I kept checking the rearview mirror to see if anyone was going to pass on the right, and for about 15 miles, nobody moved. Suddenly we passed one cop sitting on a side road, hiding behind some trees. I waited for him to make his move, but no action. I could almost hear his exaggerated sigh as he felt the gust from our six-car train sway his police vehicle a bit. The crazy thing was, I felt a tinge of guilt, though overshadowed by this incredible feeling of escape.
Soon I saw these two highway patrol cars zip right past me from out of nowhere! I looked down at the speedometer and noticed I was still at 70mph. The two cops must have been going 75-80! Maybe they grew frustrated at our "snail's pace" that they decided to pass us all!
After that our little caravan broke apart, and I eased back into 65-70, pondering all the silent communication that had taken place over the last 15 minutes. Why should it irk me that a cop feels he doesn't need to keep the law, but that we have to always stress over it, always have to avoid getting caught? The problem was, I had just cooperated with five other people in order to stretch the law! No, to break the law -- to participate in a crime! I am an individually responsible citizen, and that excuse surely won't go over if I ever do get pulled over again!
This happens on the road all the time. Today I just noticed it. The point is, I can't go with the flow just because the next man does, or even because I sense people riding my tail in order to force me to speed. Speeding breaks the law, end of story. But I do it and will probably do it again, just to save a precious 5 minutes on the road. All for nothing, really. And the scary part is, that mentality most likely spills over into other areas of my life as well. 'Maybe God will offer more lenience since everybody does it. Or maybe it's not so bad after all.'
At times I catch myself drowning in these thoughts. Other times I don't. It's those times of guiltlessness that should worry me. "The heart is [indeed] deceitful above all things, desperately wicked, who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9).
Search me O God!
Living on a peninsula, there are only two main roads that run north and south: Routes 5 and 235. Southern Maryland is growing rapidly, as, it seems, everywhere else. The result is increased traffic on the road most heavily traveled to various workplaces around the county. 235 is crazy enough, and on top of that the speed limit is just 55mph.
I have a 30 minute drive to work, and it's just not fun to be on the road for an hour every day. I am constantly tempted to push 60...then 70, and I admit I average a speed of 70mph during the daily commute. The battle with the old nature is strong sometimes, especially in circumstances where breaking the law is accepted by the norm. And especially when 70mph is the flow of traffic.
Every time my speedometer reaches or passes 70mph my eyes are the widest and my heart beats the quickest. 'Is that a cop?' I reputedly ask myself, carefully judging each vehicle behind me for lights or Crown Vic characteristics. Cops love to lurk in all the nooks and crannies of 235, and I'm sure it's a rush to squeal their tires on the random casual speeder.
I have to say, God seems to give me the most grace during that drive to work! I've only had one speeding ticket in my life, and that was three years ago. Never mind that I was the only vehicle on a straight rural freeway. I just wonder how many tickets I really deserve! I'm sure most of us would confess that we'd be broke if we had to pay all those fines!
Back to today....I was about a third of the way to work when I noticed that I was second in line of six cars sandwiched together. There was plenty of room in the right lane, but all stayed left. We were pretty tight, yet all going at the same speed so it felt safe. And then I realized that we were no longer acting independently of one another. We had formed this chain on purpose as a means of protection from receiving a citation! The speed of choice was about 72mph, yet there was no way a cop could have squeezed in between any of us to tag us for speeding, except for maybe the last person. What a genius idea!
I kept checking the rearview mirror to see if anyone was going to pass on the right, and for about 15 miles, nobody moved. Suddenly we passed one cop sitting on a side road, hiding behind some trees. I waited for him to make his move, but no action. I could almost hear his exaggerated sigh as he felt the gust from our six-car train sway his police vehicle a bit. The crazy thing was, I felt a tinge of guilt, though overshadowed by this incredible feeling of escape.
Soon I saw these two highway patrol cars zip right past me from out of nowhere! I looked down at the speedometer and noticed I was still at 70mph. The two cops must have been going 75-80! Maybe they grew frustrated at our "snail's pace" that they decided to pass us all!
After that our little caravan broke apart, and I eased back into 65-70, pondering all the silent communication that had taken place over the last 15 minutes. Why should it irk me that a cop feels he doesn't need to keep the law, but that we have to always stress over it, always have to avoid getting caught? The problem was, I had just cooperated with five other people in order to stretch the law! No, to break the law -- to participate in a crime! I am an individually responsible citizen, and that excuse surely won't go over if I ever do get pulled over again!
This happens on the road all the time. Today I just noticed it. The point is, I can't go with the flow just because the next man does, or even because I sense people riding my tail in order to force me to speed. Speeding breaks the law, end of story. But I do it and will probably do it again, just to save a precious 5 minutes on the road. All for nothing, really. And the scary part is, that mentality most likely spills over into other areas of my life as well. 'Maybe God will offer more lenience since everybody does it. Or maybe it's not so bad after all.'
At times I catch myself drowning in these thoughts. Other times I don't. It's those times of guiltlessness that should worry me. "The heart is [indeed] deceitful above all things, desperately wicked, who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9).
Search me O God!
Friday, February 23, 2007
work, Waldorf, Thai, coffee, mornings, Bob Dole, and Valentine's Day
I have restless fingers syndrome.
Not really, just need to type. The only time I really get to blog is at work. The official title of my position is LOCATE: Child Care Counselor. I work for a non-profit organization called the Southern Maryland Child Care Resource Center (mouthful!), an aspect of which is a referral service. I take calls from parents looking for child care, and I give them information on licensed family and center providers in the tri-county. There is also some counseling involved, such as how to screen providers and identify quality care. The process averages 30-50 minutes each. Some days it's crazy busy and I'm sick of talking by the end of the day. Other days, like today, the phone is s l o w ... On top of it, it's jeans Friday and I just want to go home and spend time with my sweetie! Although, that does give me BLOG TIME!
Life in Southern Maryland is what you make of it. St. Mary's County is a peninsula, so you can either go north, south, or....north or south. Waldorf is the closest "big city", but a friend of ours once stated most accurately by calling Waldorf "one big store." Basically, that means there's just a bunch of malls and restaurants crammed together, which makes both shopping and eating a most difficult task on the weekend. And with a 45 minute drive, we never venture there except for weekends, so it's just not fun.
However, one of the two perks of Waldorf is Bed Bath & Beyond, which is where we used up most of our wedding gift cards to purchase all our house necessities. But even that got old. How is it we all seem to need so much junk?! Those cards are long gone, though, so now we never go there. :)
The other perk of Waldorf is Thai Flavor. Jeromy and I have a running joke because he called it "Thai Taste" by accident one time, and now we like that name better. :) They make the BEST satay in the world! Ok, so I've only had it at a couple other restaurants, but that's about the validity of most statistics anyway, right? I didn't really like Asian food before I met Jeromy. But then I met Jeromy, and now Asian is my obsession!
I think I grew to love Asian because it's healthier and fresher than a lot of other restaurant choices out there. (Especially Mexican!) At least you feel it's healthier because you're eating rice and broccoli. Sometimes I'd like to hold onto my blissful ignorance. Because if you don't want me to ruin you, don't look up the nutrition information for the majority of menu items at Panera Bread. Panera Bread!!! Trust me. You might as well eat at McDonalds.
And then there's coffee. This county needs more coffee shops! There are three that I know of. One is a tiny, highly over-commercialized Starbucks with uncomfortable and dirty seating, and is always cold. Then you have Brewing Grounds, which was half my weekly employment from November to January. I loved learning how to make espresso and interacting with people in the community. It's got the best ambiance in the county as far as I'm concerned. But they they close way too early (5pm!!!), yet I can't complain because as a former employee, the hours were great!
On the other hand, the Coffee Quarter, which is where Jeromy and I met (besides on Myspace!) is also nice, but the quality of the coffee-making isn't worth the price for a decent latte. That, and the only time we can really go there is Friday night. But after a few Friday night outings at the Coffee Quarter, we've about had it with the obnoxiously LOUD teenie bopper Emo groups. We'd rather sip coffee together somewhere that doesn't require yelling in order to hear one another!
So...what's a young, Christian, newlywed, coffee-drinking couple without children to do on a Friday night?
Actually, since Jeromy and I get up so stinkin' early during the work week, we tend to feel exhausted and spent by 9pm, even on weekends. How pathetic is that? Personally, I enjoy the early morning better than the late night because the day is fresh; full of light, energy, and mercy. The day's events are a mystery, with an element of anticipation if ever I let it. Too quickly I find myself embracing the day through a lens of tasks and responsibilities that I make stressful or mundane, and that strip me of the day's initial wonder. Perhaps that's why I do love mornings so much. There's always a possibility that in all of God's prompting, He will actually get my attention; much greater a feat, and keep it. I long for that every day, but I'm usually too busy doing in order to be. Abundant life is what God offers, but sometimes I just grope for life at all. Maybe in the morning, things will be different...
Evenings are ok, if there is enough caffeine and liveliness to keep us going. However, we usually wait until in the moment before we finally ask the question, "So, what should we do tonight?" I don't recommend that because most everything spontaneous we can think of involve spending money.
Take Valentine's Day, for example. This year was actually our first Valentine's together because though we were a couple last year, I had to be in Charlotte that week. So then now we finally get to be together for the holiday, all thoughts and plans fail because we have a huge ice storm the night before and I hit my head and we spend 4 hours in the ER. So much for making that red velvet cake... But it didn't feel right not doing anything for Valentine's Day, but it's hard to be too sentimental when it's the day of and you have to rack your brain for something special. It's just not the same.
However, the evening ended in fireworks because we both suggested something stupid and fun, and just went with it. My suggestion was to order pizza (which we rarely do since we make our own most of the time). I know...it was Valentine's Day and all...but I just know Jeromy loves Papa Johns. So then Jeromy thought it would be fun to go to Target and purchase gifts for one another. That was that. A planned date night!
After calling in our order we drove over the bridge to pick up our order at Solomons. Since it was starting to get late, we decided to eat the pizza in the truck on the way to Target. In a strange way we felt like we were dating again because over the course of those nine single months we had spent more time in that Chevy S10 than any actual building. That piece of red metal is like family to us now.
By the time we pulled into the Target parking lot we had polished off the entire pizza! (That is, five pieces for Jeromy, three for me!) We turned the store outing into a sort-of game. We each were given a limit of $10, and couldn't let the other person see the gift until we got home. That wasn't all that easy, either! People gave us strange looks all throughout the store because we must have looked like we were about to rob the place, the way we were being all secretive. But it was so much fun!
I found Jeromy's gift almost right away. It was easy. Drum sticks. This is a long story, but I was going to give Jeromy drum or voice lessons for his birthday. I was given some names and numbers of instructors in the area, which I copied on a piece of scratch paper and stuffed down into my purse. On Christmas Day we visited some amputee soldiers at Walter Reed Hospital in D.C., and happened to run into some White House officials and others who had also come to encourage the soldiers. Also, my uncle introduced us to Bob Dole, a several times acquaintance of his. Former Senator Dole was looking very aged and thin, but was most pleasant to us. After our brief conversation I thought to give him a gospel tract, which he accepted. Well, I later found out that when I had shoved that piece of paper with all those numbers inside my purse, it had slid inside that same tract I gave to Bob Dole! I bet he'd make a rockin' drummer!
Conservatively, of course...
Jeromy picked out a card game and cartons of Play Doh for me. How romantic! We spent the rest of the evening chilling on the couch and comparing our Play Doh creations. Did you know they make confetti Doh now? It's white with colorful sprinkles!
Papa Johns Hawaiian pizza: $12
Silly gifts from Target: $20
Gasoline: $2
Funky, original, spontaneous Valentine's date with your husband, minus the overbaked red velvet cake and overpriced Hallmark card: PRICELESS
Not really, just need to type. The only time I really get to blog is at work. The official title of my position is LOCATE: Child Care Counselor. I work for a non-profit organization called the Southern Maryland Child Care Resource Center (mouthful!), an aspect of which is a referral service. I take calls from parents looking for child care, and I give them information on licensed family and center providers in the tri-county. There is also some counseling involved, such as how to screen providers and identify quality care. The process averages 30-50 minutes each. Some days it's crazy busy and I'm sick of talking by the end of the day. Other days, like today, the phone is s l o w ... On top of it, it's jeans Friday and I just want to go home and spend time with my sweetie! Although, that does give me BLOG TIME!
Life in Southern Maryland is what you make of it. St. Mary's County is a peninsula, so you can either go north, south, or....north or south. Waldorf is the closest "big city", but a friend of ours once stated most accurately by calling Waldorf "one big store." Basically, that means there's just a bunch of malls and restaurants crammed together, which makes both shopping and eating a most difficult task on the weekend. And with a 45 minute drive, we never venture there except for weekends, so it's just not fun.
However, one of the two perks of Waldorf is Bed Bath & Beyond, which is where we used up most of our wedding gift cards to purchase all our house necessities. But even that got old. How is it we all seem to need so much junk?! Those cards are long gone, though, so now we never go there. :)
The other perk of Waldorf is Thai Flavor. Jeromy and I have a running joke because he called it "Thai Taste" by accident one time, and now we like that name better. :) They make the BEST satay in the world! Ok, so I've only had it at a couple other restaurants, but that's about the validity of most statistics anyway, right? I didn't really like Asian food before I met Jeromy. But then I met Jeromy, and now Asian is my obsession!
I think I grew to love Asian because it's healthier and fresher than a lot of other restaurant choices out there. (Especially Mexican!) At least you feel it's healthier because you're eating rice and broccoli. Sometimes I'd like to hold onto my blissful ignorance. Because if you don't want me to ruin you, don't look up the nutrition information for the majority of menu items at Panera Bread. Panera Bread!!! Trust me. You might as well eat at McDonalds.
And then there's coffee. This county needs more coffee shops! There are three that I know of. One is a tiny, highly over-commercialized Starbucks with uncomfortable and dirty seating, and is always cold. Then you have Brewing Grounds, which was half my weekly employment from November to January. I loved learning how to make espresso and interacting with people in the community. It's got the best ambiance in the county as far as I'm concerned. But they they close way too early (5pm!!!), yet I can't complain because as a former employee, the hours were great!
On the other hand, the Coffee Quarter, which is where Jeromy and I met (besides on Myspace!) is also nice, but the quality of the coffee-making isn't worth the price for a decent latte. That, and the only time we can really go there is Friday night. But after a few Friday night outings at the Coffee Quarter, we've about had it with the obnoxiously LOUD teenie bopper Emo groups. We'd rather sip coffee together somewhere that doesn't require yelling in order to hear one another!
So...what's a young, Christian, newlywed, coffee-drinking couple without children to do on a Friday night?
Actually, since Jeromy and I get up so stinkin' early during the work week, we tend to feel exhausted and spent by 9pm, even on weekends. How pathetic is that? Personally, I enjoy the early morning better than the late night because the day is fresh; full of light, energy, and mercy. The day's events are a mystery, with an element of anticipation if ever I let it. Too quickly I find myself embracing the day through a lens of tasks and responsibilities that I make stressful or mundane, and that strip me of the day's initial wonder. Perhaps that's why I do love mornings so much. There's always a possibility that in all of God's prompting, He will actually get my attention; much greater a feat, and keep it. I long for that every day, but I'm usually too busy doing in order to be. Abundant life is what God offers, but sometimes I just grope for life at all. Maybe in the morning, things will be different...
Evenings are ok, if there is enough caffeine and liveliness to keep us going. However, we usually wait until in the moment before we finally ask the question, "So, what should we do tonight?" I don't recommend that because most everything spontaneous we can think of involve spending money.
Take Valentine's Day, for example. This year was actually our first Valentine's together because though we were a couple last year, I had to be in Charlotte that week. So then now we finally get to be together for the holiday, all thoughts and plans fail because we have a huge ice storm the night before and I hit my head and we spend 4 hours in the ER. So much for making that red velvet cake... But it didn't feel right not doing anything for Valentine's Day, but it's hard to be too sentimental when it's the day of and you have to rack your brain for something special. It's just not the same.
However, the evening ended in fireworks because we both suggested something stupid and fun, and just went with it. My suggestion was to order pizza (which we rarely do since we make our own most of the time). I know...it was Valentine's Day and all...but I just know Jeromy loves Papa Johns. So then Jeromy thought it would be fun to go to Target and purchase gifts for one another. That was that. A planned date night!
After calling in our order we drove over the bridge to pick up our order at Solomons. Since it was starting to get late, we decided to eat the pizza in the truck on the way to Target. In a strange way we felt like we were dating again because over the course of those nine single months we had spent more time in that Chevy S10 than any actual building. That piece of red metal is like family to us now.
By the time we pulled into the Target parking lot we had polished off the entire pizza! (That is, five pieces for Jeromy, three for me!) We turned the store outing into a sort-of game. We each were given a limit of $10, and couldn't let the other person see the gift until we got home. That wasn't all that easy, either! People gave us strange looks all throughout the store because we must have looked like we were about to rob the place, the way we were being all secretive. But it was so much fun!
I found Jeromy's gift almost right away. It was easy. Drum sticks. This is a long story, but I was going to give Jeromy drum or voice lessons for his birthday. I was given some names and numbers of instructors in the area, which I copied on a piece of scratch paper and stuffed down into my purse. On Christmas Day we visited some amputee soldiers at Walter Reed Hospital in D.C., and happened to run into some White House officials and others who had also come to encourage the soldiers. Also, my uncle introduced us to Bob Dole, a several times acquaintance of his. Former Senator Dole was looking very aged and thin, but was most pleasant to us. After our brief conversation I thought to give him a gospel tract, which he accepted. Well, I later found out that when I had shoved that piece of paper with all those numbers inside my purse, it had slid inside that same tract I gave to Bob Dole! I bet he'd make a rockin' drummer!
Conservatively, of course...
Jeromy picked out a card game and cartons of Play Doh for me. How romantic! We spent the rest of the evening chilling on the couch and comparing our Play Doh creations. Did you know they make confetti Doh now? It's white with colorful sprinkles!
Papa Johns Hawaiian pizza: $12
Silly gifts from Target: $20
Gasoline: $2
Funky, original, spontaneous Valentine's date with your husband, minus the overbaked red velvet cake and overpriced Hallmark card: PRICELESS
Monday, February 12, 2007
Don Miller and other musings
I finally finished my second Don Miller book. I zipped through Blue Like Jazz last spring. I mean I read that thing in less than a week, even amid all the busyness of traveling and planning for a wedding. I started Searching for God Knows What in July. The first couple chapters of this book went fairly quickly. Then I got married. After that whirlwind the pace through the second read slowed to a paragraph a sitting for a while, though I was as committed to reading the last page as I am to finishing the last drop of a latte. It's just not right to leave even a hint of sweet espresso goodness sitting in the bottom of the cup, destined for the trash. After all, it probably cost me 28 cents alone! It's the principle of good stewardship!
I don't know why it took me seven months to finish the book, other than a few distractions in my life such as, hmmm...a move, three job changes, addition of ministries, weekly meal planning, vacuuming, dusting, and extensive hand-holding sessions with my new husband. When does a girl have time to read?!
However, since I am not a quitter (except for two jobs, but that's a separate issue...), I began carrying Don Miller's book with me, much as I do my red leather-bound Bible, hoping this would help me take a few minutes here and there to immerse myself in the highly anti-religious, relational vs. formulaic discussion of Christian Spirituality. Yet one cannot read Miller's stuff "here and there". It's not like a novel. Perhaps this is why I kept feeling as though I were experiencing bouts of ADD every time I removed the bookmark and started to read. It was and is frustrating because I really like Don Miller's stuff!
At times I am so distracted by everything that I think I really do have ADD. It takes a lot, anymore, to slow down enough to quiet the heart while living in such a fast-paced culture. At least I find that true for me. Knowing this, I have to consciously make opportunities available, kind of force myself to sit still in order to gain some perspective. Scripture and authors like Don Miller help me keep that perspective. Reading is probably the biggest stress reliever for me, aside from writing, that is.
Whenever I read anything that makes me think, I get this sudden urge to write. (Thus, a new blog!) Writing is very therapeutic for me, and sometimes I even feel guilty for putting off the journaling of my thoughts and inner struggles. I believe God made me this way, to process life through written word. It helps me to recognize and, in turn, remember what God is doing in my life. It's as if writing is a first-person conversation with God. And I believe He gets some sort of glory from that. It is when I neglect to make time to write that I don't get that sense of self-examination. Issues become easier to push back and pretend they don't exist when they are not thoroughly processed. I feel like many of the lessons God intends me to "get" and apply become fragmented and optional, instead of essential to the well-being of my heart, essential as God Himself. That sounds heavy, but I just think Satan knows how spiritual it is for me to write, just like he knows prayer and Bible study leads to spiritual growth. Therefore, he does everything he can to keep me away from these most beneficial activities. I will even go as far as to say writing causes me to desire spending devotional time with God because, for some reason, I can't be fake when I write. Writing pulls out what's inside - both hearts, new and old; the smiles and the scars; the joy and the pain. For some reason the keyboard does not let me hide.
I would like to say I am turning over a new leaf this day, that I will from now on carve out a half hour every day to pour out raw thought in blog form. But I just finished Don Miller's book. That practice would be formula, and you and I both know that such specific discipline turns into ritual, and ritual into hum drum. I am on a journey to find out what abundant life in Christ is all about, and I know from too many experiences that I will find only the opposite if I fix my spiritual life into a box like that. Since Christianity is relational, it is also personal. God made unique individuals, did He not? So within the realm God's character as well as the essentials of the faith, we are each free to desire Him and seek Him and grow in Him in the way that actually works for us. John Piper would say that a huge aspect of our obedience to God is the joy we pursue in Him. There must be both. And wouldn't you want both? Not in a way that works for someone else, but for you? So much of my Christian life has been an attempt to emulate the spiritual lives of others. So much of it has been trite and dry. Abundant life, eh? Well I know it is available because of all the ways it is sprinkled in the words of Jesus throughout the New Testament. (See Ephesians 3:20, John 10:10, and I Corinthians 2:9.) But how do I experience it? How do spiritual activities keep their luster and shine when life feels dull and I feel drained?
I think the gist is summed up in John 17:3, which gives us the object or source of our abundant life, "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." My quest, then, is to know God. This quest is as unique to me as it is for you, although always stemming from Christ. Without Him we simply cannot know God. But since the way has been made, why not act upon it? He is within our grasp but so infrequently do I reach for Him. I claw the air for something to fulfill me, but He is so big and so present that I sometimes miss Him!
When I tell people I used to live five minutes from the ever famous Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota (ok, so it's the only claim to fame we've got a leg to stand on...although there is the Mary Tyler Moore house...), they ask me how often I would venture there. I tell them I lived next door the "Mega Mall" for a whole year and I probably visited the place a total of three times. Most of those times were to entertain out-of-town guests with the roller coaster contained in the mall's indoor amusement park. People can't believe I could live so close to such an attraction and hardly take advantage of it! I'm sure people who live five minutes from Disneyland could resonate with me. Or perhaps individuals who live next door to a famous person but never ask them over for coffee.
Simply, we gravitate toward things which are unfamiliar. New places, events, experiences - those usually within at least a four-hour drive of our homes! In this way, I always marvel at the concept of vacation. Why is it that we would rather spend half our vacation leave sitting in stuffy airports or stuffy cars in order to experience beauty and excitement in some other place? Why don't we just drive across town and eat at the city's favorite restaurant? Why don't we take a picnic to the local nature center? Why do we like to visit every other state capitol except ours? There is so much we can enjoy within a stone's throw that we rarely take advantage of. I lived in Minnesota most of my life, and never made it to the Boundary Waters. Even a jaunt into downtown St. Paul for a concert was "big doin's"!
As another example, my family used to take summer road trips all around the country to experience the "other". In fact, while I was growing up we took at least two trips to Washington D.C. That's a 20+ hour drive nonstop! We visited every monument, statue, and historical site within the vicinity, my mother envisioning the finished photo album every step of the way. Now I live just 90 minutes south of D.C. and have never gone site-seeing in the last year and a half I've been here! How pathetic. It's at least ten times cheaper a trip! Where did the excitement go?
The point is, we get used to things and they lose their interest. Unfortunately, it seems we have even grown used to (or perhaps distracted ourselves from) the omnipresence of the God of the universe, so much so that our desire to be with Him has greatly dimmed. Christ is no longer novel, just like the places and attractions that draw tourists to our area no longer appeal to us. Have we figured out God?! If we think of Him as old hat we don't really know Him! Or, at least, we forget how much we enjoy Him until we taste Him once again. Until we take that stroll around the neighborhood park and remember how fun it is to ride the swings!
We forget that the greatness of the experiences God allows us are so that in our enjoyment of them, we would magnify Him. Yet, too often we focus on the created, overlooking the Creator. These things are but hints of His greatness. If we would only look through the wonders of this world instead of at them, maybe then our wonder will turn to Him. Maybe then we would no longer be satisfied with what once caused us to shiver with excitement here on earth, because we would have caught a glimpse of something better. He is always there, which is different than all those other things in life we take for granted because they will pass away. God remains.
If we would only take time to pursue God like we pursue ski trips and exotic cruises, would we find that same psyched up feeling swell our hearts? I would say so. I think we start to pursue God, and then before we can blink we are back to pursuing ourselves. Our hearts deceive ourselves into thinking we are still pursuing God, but because the journey has left us bored, it has to mean God is no longer in the equation. If we would stay on the God-quest, I believe we would discover new things about Him we never knew existed. Our understanding of God's character would become clearer than ever before and then, in turn, our love and desire for Him would grow to new heights. I would venture to guess that God would seem new to us every day! After all, God created novel.
I think if I get to that point in my Christian journey, I will have begun to understand abundant life. In fact, I'll bet the experience most likely precedes the revelation! The pursuit of God probably is the abundant life, just like writing for me is both a spiritual process and a great interest. At any rate, we'll see where this takes me.
Thanks, Don Miller, for getting me to write again. I wonder what I will read next...
btw...Happy 6-month, Jeromy!
I don't know why it took me seven months to finish the book, other than a few distractions in my life such as, hmmm...a move, three job changes, addition of ministries, weekly meal planning, vacuuming, dusting, and extensive hand-holding sessions with my new husband. When does a girl have time to read?!
However, since I am not a quitter (except for two jobs, but that's a separate issue...), I began carrying Don Miller's book with me, much as I do my red leather-bound Bible, hoping this would help me take a few minutes here and there to immerse myself in the highly anti-religious, relational vs. formulaic discussion of Christian Spirituality. Yet one cannot read Miller's stuff "here and there". It's not like a novel. Perhaps this is why I kept feeling as though I were experiencing bouts of ADD every time I removed the bookmark and started to read. It was and is frustrating because I really like Don Miller's stuff!
At times I am so distracted by everything that I think I really do have ADD. It takes a lot, anymore, to slow down enough to quiet the heart while living in such a fast-paced culture. At least I find that true for me. Knowing this, I have to consciously make opportunities available, kind of force myself to sit still in order to gain some perspective. Scripture and authors like Don Miller help me keep that perspective. Reading is probably the biggest stress reliever for me, aside from writing, that is.
Whenever I read anything that makes me think, I get this sudden urge to write. (Thus, a new blog!) Writing is very therapeutic for me, and sometimes I even feel guilty for putting off the journaling of my thoughts and inner struggles. I believe God made me this way, to process life through written word. It helps me to recognize and, in turn, remember what God is doing in my life. It's as if writing is a first-person conversation with God. And I believe He gets some sort of glory from that. It is when I neglect to make time to write that I don't get that sense of self-examination. Issues become easier to push back and pretend they don't exist when they are not thoroughly processed. I feel like many of the lessons God intends me to "get" and apply become fragmented and optional, instead of essential to the well-being of my heart, essential as God Himself. That sounds heavy, but I just think Satan knows how spiritual it is for me to write, just like he knows prayer and Bible study leads to spiritual growth. Therefore, he does everything he can to keep me away from these most beneficial activities. I will even go as far as to say writing causes me to desire spending devotional time with God because, for some reason, I can't be fake when I write. Writing pulls out what's inside - both hearts, new and old; the smiles and the scars; the joy and the pain. For some reason the keyboard does not let me hide.
I would like to say I am turning over a new leaf this day, that I will from now on carve out a half hour every day to pour out raw thought in blog form. But I just finished Don Miller's book. That practice would be formula, and you and I both know that such specific discipline turns into ritual, and ritual into hum drum. I am on a journey to find out what abundant life in Christ is all about, and I know from too many experiences that I will find only the opposite if I fix my spiritual life into a box like that. Since Christianity is relational, it is also personal. God made unique individuals, did He not? So within the realm God's character as well as the essentials of the faith, we are each free to desire Him and seek Him and grow in Him in the way that actually works for us. John Piper would say that a huge aspect of our obedience to God is the joy we pursue in Him. There must be both. And wouldn't you want both? Not in a way that works for someone else, but for you? So much of my Christian life has been an attempt to emulate the spiritual lives of others. So much of it has been trite and dry. Abundant life, eh? Well I know it is available because of all the ways it is sprinkled in the words of Jesus throughout the New Testament. (See Ephesians 3:20, John 10:10, and I Corinthians 2:9.) But how do I experience it? How do spiritual activities keep their luster and shine when life feels dull and I feel drained?
I think the gist is summed up in John 17:3, which gives us the object or source of our abundant life, "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." My quest, then, is to know God. This quest is as unique to me as it is for you, although always stemming from Christ. Without Him we simply cannot know God. But since the way has been made, why not act upon it? He is within our grasp but so infrequently do I reach for Him. I claw the air for something to fulfill me, but He is so big and so present that I sometimes miss Him!
When I tell people I used to live five minutes from the ever famous Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota (ok, so it's the only claim to fame we've got a leg to stand on...although there is the Mary Tyler Moore house...), they ask me how often I would venture there. I tell them I lived next door the "Mega Mall" for a whole year and I probably visited the place a total of three times. Most of those times were to entertain out-of-town guests with the roller coaster contained in the mall's indoor amusement park. People can't believe I could live so close to such an attraction and hardly take advantage of it! I'm sure people who live five minutes from Disneyland could resonate with me. Or perhaps individuals who live next door to a famous person but never ask them over for coffee.
Simply, we gravitate toward things which are unfamiliar. New places, events, experiences - those usually within at least a four-hour drive of our homes! In this way, I always marvel at the concept of vacation. Why is it that we would rather spend half our vacation leave sitting in stuffy airports or stuffy cars in order to experience beauty and excitement in some other place? Why don't we just drive across town and eat at the city's favorite restaurant? Why don't we take a picnic to the local nature center? Why do we like to visit every other state capitol except ours? There is so much we can enjoy within a stone's throw that we rarely take advantage of. I lived in Minnesota most of my life, and never made it to the Boundary Waters. Even a jaunt into downtown St. Paul for a concert was "big doin's"!
As another example, my family used to take summer road trips all around the country to experience the "other". In fact, while I was growing up we took at least two trips to Washington D.C. That's a 20+ hour drive nonstop! We visited every monument, statue, and historical site within the vicinity, my mother envisioning the finished photo album every step of the way. Now I live just 90 minutes south of D.C. and have never gone site-seeing in the last year and a half I've been here! How pathetic. It's at least ten times cheaper a trip! Where did the excitement go?
The point is, we get used to things and they lose their interest. Unfortunately, it seems we have even grown used to (or perhaps distracted ourselves from) the omnipresence of the God of the universe, so much so that our desire to be with Him has greatly dimmed. Christ is no longer novel, just like the places and attractions that draw tourists to our area no longer appeal to us. Have we figured out God?! If we think of Him as old hat we don't really know Him! Or, at least, we forget how much we enjoy Him until we taste Him once again. Until we take that stroll around the neighborhood park and remember how fun it is to ride the swings!
We forget that the greatness of the experiences God allows us are so that in our enjoyment of them, we would magnify Him. Yet, too often we focus on the created, overlooking the Creator. These things are but hints of His greatness. If we would only look through the wonders of this world instead of at them, maybe then our wonder will turn to Him. Maybe then we would no longer be satisfied with what once caused us to shiver with excitement here on earth, because we would have caught a glimpse of something better. He is always there, which is different than all those other things in life we take for granted because they will pass away. God remains.
If we would only take time to pursue God like we pursue ski trips and exotic cruises, would we find that same psyched up feeling swell our hearts? I would say so. I think we start to pursue God, and then before we can blink we are back to pursuing ourselves. Our hearts deceive ourselves into thinking we are still pursuing God, but because the journey has left us bored, it has to mean God is no longer in the equation. If we would stay on the God-quest, I believe we would discover new things about Him we never knew existed. Our understanding of God's character would become clearer than ever before and then, in turn, our love and desire for Him would grow to new heights. I would venture to guess that God would seem new to us every day! After all, God created novel.
I think if I get to that point in my Christian journey, I will have begun to understand abundant life. In fact, I'll bet the experience most likely precedes the revelation! The pursuit of God probably is the abundant life, just like writing for me is both a spiritual process and a great interest. At any rate, we'll see where this takes me.
Thanks, Don Miller, for getting me to write again. I wonder what I will read next...
btw...Happy 6-month, Jeromy!
Friday, October 27, 2006
Our Wedding Vows
I thought it might be fun and meaningful to post the vows Jeromy and I wrote for each other on our wedding day (8/12/06). We want to get them printed up and framed someday....perhaps on our anniversary! We take these promises seriously. They are for life.
*****
Jeromy's vows to me:
Tara, God has been preparing us for His service from the beginning of time. It is both His gift and my joy to become your husband. I could not have prepared myself for the love God has poured out on me through you.
As your husband, I vow to submit to Christ, for doing His will is our source of life and joy. I commit my life to faithful leadership. As Christ did, I will pour myself out for you. My love, acceptance and encouraging companionship will cultivate your fellowship with God.
I will be your source of strength, unfailing love, and protection. I honor you as my beloved helper. With patience and transparency I will communicate with you. We will celebrate the peaks of life and overcome the struggles, together, as one.
As I am captivated by your love, I will find satisfaction in you alone. Forsaking all others, I will cleave to you alone. I will nourish and cherish you all the days of my life.
Tara, it is before my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and our friends and family that I commit these vows to you. May I bring you good, and not evil, all the days of my life.
*****
My vows to Jeromy:
Jeromy, it is by God's grace and love that I become your wife today, and it is my highest earthly delight! As the Spirit enables me, I will both internalize and live out the vows I commit to you this hour.
Jeromy, you are God's man and His best for me, and so I have chosen and will continually choose to love you. For the rest of my life I will stand by you. I will support, respect, and honor your person and position, submitting myself to your leadership as the head of our family.
I will be for you a source of joy, companionship, and refreshment as I work alongside you to make our life together and our home a Christ-centered haven. I will ever be a safe place where you will find grace, forgiveness, and unconditional acceptance. Preferring you above all others, I will display to you kindness, affection, admiration, and faithfulness. I will work toward a growing communion with God alongside a deepening communication with you, so that at all cost we will remain of like mind and spirit. I will offer my heart openly and honestly to you in all aspects of life and actively seek to meet your needs. It is by God's strength will I bring you good, not evil, all the days of my life, that I might magnify God's glory as your wife.
Jeromy, it is before my Lord and Savior, and before our friends and family that I commit these vows to you.
*****
Jeromy's vows to me:
Tara, God has been preparing us for His service from the beginning of time. It is both His gift and my joy to become your husband. I could not have prepared myself for the love God has poured out on me through you.
As your husband, I vow to submit to Christ, for doing His will is our source of life and joy. I commit my life to faithful leadership. As Christ did, I will pour myself out for you. My love, acceptance and encouraging companionship will cultivate your fellowship with God.
I will be your source of strength, unfailing love, and protection. I honor you as my beloved helper. With patience and transparency I will communicate with you. We will celebrate the peaks of life and overcome the struggles, together, as one.
As I am captivated by your love, I will find satisfaction in you alone. Forsaking all others, I will cleave to you alone. I will nourish and cherish you all the days of my life.
Tara, it is before my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and our friends and family that I commit these vows to you. May I bring you good, and not evil, all the days of my life.
*****
My vows to Jeromy:
Jeromy, it is by God's grace and love that I become your wife today, and it is my highest earthly delight! As the Spirit enables me, I will both internalize and live out the vows I commit to you this hour.
Jeromy, you are God's man and His best for me, and so I have chosen and will continually choose to love you. For the rest of my life I will stand by you. I will support, respect, and honor your person and position, submitting myself to your leadership as the head of our family.
I will be for you a source of joy, companionship, and refreshment as I work alongside you to make our life together and our home a Christ-centered haven. I will ever be a safe place where you will find grace, forgiveness, and unconditional acceptance. Preferring you above all others, I will display to you kindness, affection, admiration, and faithfulness. I will work toward a growing communion with God alongside a deepening communication with you, so that at all cost we will remain of like mind and spirit. I will offer my heart openly and honestly to you in all aspects of life and actively seek to meet your needs. It is by God's strength will I bring you good, not evil, all the days of my life, that I might magnify God's glory as your wife.
Jeromy, it is before my Lord and Savior, and before our friends and family that I commit these vows to you.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Jeromy
A tribute to my husband.
*****
Well I just had to say that I am amazed by the man God has given to me. I never fathomed this kind of love, but I continue to discover new avenues of his love for me every day. It turns me to Christ ALWAYS, and I am constantly challenged to love God authentically, to choose to walk in obedience of His Word, and to keep looking outside myself to meet the needs of others before my own.
Jeromy provides a comfort that allows me to share my struggles and speak my heart, without being judged or criticized. He lets me talk through things, even if my words start out selfish or prideful, or fearful. A lot of times I can say the right things, do the right things, think the right things, but when it gets real...when it's time to apply what I know, down to my desires and motives, it's hard. It's not easy to trust God most of the time. Jeromy is encouraging me, usually when he doesn't even know it, to lay it ALL down. To not look back at the "I wish I had..."s and "Woe is me..."s and "I need to be in control of..."s. Life is FILLED with opportunities to trust God.
I had no idea I fell so short in these moments, as I know now. Marriage has exposed my weaknesses, and shown me where my heart is in a lot of different ways. It's not fun to see this stuff. I don't want to be responsible for a lot of prayers I pray for my sanctification. But it's so good. Jeromy's example and his love has led me to break through my hardened heart to let God do some spiritual surgery where it hurts. Where I would otherwise dwell in comfort and safety. Where my actions and words don't match up with my attitudes. Where I let frustration and disappointment get the better of me. Where I need to give Him greater access to roam freely throughout my heart and life. Having Jeromy at my side has been instrumental in my Christian walk. And this was God's idea!
I am SO blessed because this man accepts me! He calls me beautiful when I think and feel otherwise. He can tell when my heart is not right and he doesn't leave me there. He holds me close when I don't know why I'm crying. He has no expectations of me, nor makes demands. His devotion to me alone is found in both his words and actions. If there is any perceived "distance" between us, he gets right to the core, yet loves me through the process. He is always positive. Always encouraging. Never satisfied with a mediocre Christian life. Asks the hard questions and wrestles with them along with me. Truly wants to please God and probes Scripture to find out what that means. Seeks to enjoy the little things in life, while not becoming so stingy as to giving up quality. Jeromy is understanding, and when he doesn't understand, he doesn't give up until he does. He lets me love him and support him in ways my heart longs to give, and he appreciates everything. Jeromy can get me to smile quicker than anyone I know, ever an unsaid reminder of the bigger perspective, by which I already own abundant joy and peace. Jeromy's presence in my life provides a glimpse into how good it can be to live a life sold-out, head-over-heels in love with Jesus. If my husband--limited, made of flesh, and tainted by sin--can bring positive change in my life, imagine how much greater sanctification can take place when I begin to view God for more of who He really is! If only His unconditional love and grace and affection can motivate me in as similar a way as does that of Jeromy.
At this point, I really don't think there is much of a difference between the two, except that whatever God pours on us is perfection. Jeromy gives me amazing love...but God's love is perfect. Jeromy offers me kindness and mercy...God floods our every step with His. And what can be compared to God's comforting embrace, His peace that passes man's capacity to understand? Often I can't describe in words how good it feels to be wrapped up in Jeromy's arms. How much greater is the affection of our Creator God?! We have so few combinations of letters that adequately tell of such intensity. I think it's supposed to be that way. I think God is glorified in that, in our wonder of Him.
And to think--wow!--I am only beginning this journey with my wonderful gift from God. Jeromy and I often remind ourselves that we are never promised tomorrow on this earth, but that we do have today. We have each other for these fleeting moments, and I want to make them last. I hope the fact of my mortality affects everything from how I spend my time, to how much rule I give my emotions, to which life's tasks are worth being concerned about. I want to live this life for what really matters. I want to learn how to give more and just do it. I want to look less at myself in the mirror. I want to love deeply and love well. I want to expect God's faithfulness by letting go of control, letting go of stuff, letting go of man's doctrines and morals, philosophies, and standards. I want to quit comparing myself to others and instead keen in on the personality and gifts God as given me. I want to cry for all the right reasons and refrain from laughing at all the wrong things, although I want to laugh MORE. I want to keep the little irritants little and enlarge the little joys I typically overlook. I want to give God more credit for His work in my heart and in this world, including the credit I too often steal from Him in my arrogance. After all, if I am going to call him "Lord" in my prayers and songs, then He better BE Lord!
I am still on my hands and knees, slowly inching to the places I need to reach, but I am only discouraged when I think about how much farther is the distance. Instead, I want to celebrate the little milestones in my spiritual journey, similar to how Jeormy and I celebrate our first date, first kiss, engagement, and wedding! I am finding more and more parallels between our human relationships and our relationship with the Divine, realizing there is no coincidence. Everything good on this earth points to the heavenly equivalent. We can enjoy these things in our lives, though they are all broken, but they are simultaneously preparing us and causing us to yearn for the whole, the perfect.
I am forever grateful for the brief moments God has bound Jeromy and I together. We both look forward to the day when our union with Christ will bind us with Him for eternity.
Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's ok to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been with God
And that's the way it ought to be
You had faith when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be
Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
Cause you have spoken the truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know
You have carried me
You have taken on a burden
That wasn't your own
May the blessing return to you
A hunderedfold
Oh yeah, a hundredfold
- Watermark
*****
Well I just had to say that I am amazed by the man God has given to me. I never fathomed this kind of love, but I continue to discover new avenues of his love for me every day. It turns me to Christ ALWAYS, and I am constantly challenged to love God authentically, to choose to walk in obedience of His Word, and to keep looking outside myself to meet the needs of others before my own.
Jeromy provides a comfort that allows me to share my struggles and speak my heart, without being judged or criticized. He lets me talk through things, even if my words start out selfish or prideful, or fearful. A lot of times I can say the right things, do the right things, think the right things, but when it gets real...when it's time to apply what I know, down to my desires and motives, it's hard. It's not easy to trust God most of the time. Jeromy is encouraging me, usually when he doesn't even know it, to lay it ALL down. To not look back at the "I wish I had..."s and "Woe is me..."s and "I need to be in control of..."s. Life is FILLED with opportunities to trust God.
I had no idea I fell so short in these moments, as I know now. Marriage has exposed my weaknesses, and shown me where my heart is in a lot of different ways. It's not fun to see this stuff. I don't want to be responsible for a lot of prayers I pray for my sanctification. But it's so good. Jeromy's example and his love has led me to break through my hardened heart to let God do some spiritual surgery where it hurts. Where I would otherwise dwell in comfort and safety. Where my actions and words don't match up with my attitudes. Where I let frustration and disappointment get the better of me. Where I need to give Him greater access to roam freely throughout my heart and life. Having Jeromy at my side has been instrumental in my Christian walk. And this was God's idea!
I am SO blessed because this man accepts me! He calls me beautiful when I think and feel otherwise. He can tell when my heart is not right and he doesn't leave me there. He holds me close when I don't know why I'm crying. He has no expectations of me, nor makes demands. His devotion to me alone is found in both his words and actions. If there is any perceived "distance" between us, he gets right to the core, yet loves me through the process. He is always positive. Always encouraging. Never satisfied with a mediocre Christian life. Asks the hard questions and wrestles with them along with me. Truly wants to please God and probes Scripture to find out what that means. Seeks to enjoy the little things in life, while not becoming so stingy as to giving up quality. Jeromy is understanding, and when he doesn't understand, he doesn't give up until he does. He lets me love him and support him in ways my heart longs to give, and he appreciates everything. Jeromy can get me to smile quicker than anyone I know, ever an unsaid reminder of the bigger perspective, by which I already own abundant joy and peace. Jeromy's presence in my life provides a glimpse into how good it can be to live a life sold-out, head-over-heels in love with Jesus. If my husband--limited, made of flesh, and tainted by sin--can bring positive change in my life, imagine how much greater sanctification can take place when I begin to view God for more of who He really is! If only His unconditional love and grace and affection can motivate me in as similar a way as does that of Jeromy.
At this point, I really don't think there is much of a difference between the two, except that whatever God pours on us is perfection. Jeromy gives me amazing love...but God's love is perfect. Jeromy offers me kindness and mercy...God floods our every step with His. And what can be compared to God's comforting embrace, His peace that passes man's capacity to understand? Often I can't describe in words how good it feels to be wrapped up in Jeromy's arms. How much greater is the affection of our Creator God?! We have so few combinations of letters that adequately tell of such intensity. I think it's supposed to be that way. I think God is glorified in that, in our wonder of Him.
And to think--wow!--I am only beginning this journey with my wonderful gift from God. Jeromy and I often remind ourselves that we are never promised tomorrow on this earth, but that we do have today. We have each other for these fleeting moments, and I want to make them last. I hope the fact of my mortality affects everything from how I spend my time, to how much rule I give my emotions, to which life's tasks are worth being concerned about. I want to live this life for what really matters. I want to learn how to give more and just do it. I want to look less at myself in the mirror. I want to love deeply and love well. I want to expect God's faithfulness by letting go of control, letting go of stuff, letting go of man's doctrines and morals, philosophies, and standards. I want to quit comparing myself to others and instead keen in on the personality and gifts God as given me. I want to cry for all the right reasons and refrain from laughing at all the wrong things, although I want to laugh MORE. I want to keep the little irritants little and enlarge the little joys I typically overlook. I want to give God more credit for His work in my heart and in this world, including the credit I too often steal from Him in my arrogance. After all, if I am going to call him "Lord" in my prayers and songs, then He better BE Lord!
I am still on my hands and knees, slowly inching to the places I need to reach, but I am only discouraged when I think about how much farther is the distance. Instead, I want to celebrate the little milestones in my spiritual journey, similar to how Jeormy and I celebrate our first date, first kiss, engagement, and wedding! I am finding more and more parallels between our human relationships and our relationship with the Divine, realizing there is no coincidence. Everything good on this earth points to the heavenly equivalent. We can enjoy these things in our lives, though they are all broken, but they are simultaneously preparing us and causing us to yearn for the whole, the perfect.
I am forever grateful for the brief moments God has bound Jeromy and I together. We both look forward to the day when our union with Christ will bind us with Him for eternity.
Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's ok to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been with God
And that's the way it ought to be
You had faith when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be
Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
Cause you have spoken the truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know
You have carried me
You have taken on a burden
That wasn't your own
May the blessing return to you
A hunderedfold
Oh yeah, a hundredfold
- Watermark
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Wedding Recap
Dear Friends and Family,
The air has turned autumn cool, but these two hearts are still basking in the glow of the summer heat – August 12th, to be exact. This "collision" (love story), which initially took place this week least year, continues to keep us brimming with anticipation for what this journey holds for us.
We just wanted to take an opportunity to share how we are doing, and to thank you for generously being part of our beautiful wedding and all the events surrounding this exciting new chapter.
As a senior in high school, the BQ (Big Question) is always, "Where are you planning to go for college?" Just before college graduation, the typical BQ is, "Where will you work next year?" Fortunately, since Jeromy and I experienced a whirlwind romance with a relatively short engagement, we didn't get too many of the, "So when are you guys tying the knot?" Thankfully, we haven't even experienced the classic newlywed BQ, "When are you planning on having kids?" Bless you ALL for that! We're not telling. However, the BQ we ARE getting lately, is, natch, "How's married life?"
Where to start?!
When we told one man in our church we were getting married he said, "The sooner, the better. It frees you up." So we took his advice! He's wasn't kidding. Being married has freed us up in so many ways. The best part is not having to go to separate houses at night, that was such a hassle! It's nice to have everything we need in one location. We have our apartment organized as well as we can with what we've got. We haven't really decorated yet, as it's difficult to come up with a "theme" in a 2-bedroom apartment. Plus it's expensive. But we love our little home, even if all we have are picture frames and candles. What more does an American couple really need, anyway?! Our condo is set in a quiet, woodsy neighborhood and is a perfect place for starting a life together.
Lately we've been having wonderful Sunday School and Bible study groups, very challenging and great for fellowship. We couldn't wait to spend more time getting to know other Christian couples around here, now that we're no longer hermit wedding planners! We've also gotten involved in the church's missions & evangelism ministry, and we're very excited about that. We'd like to develop some life-long friendships, and I think we're finding that at our church!
If we're going to invite any of our friends and family into our home for dinner, I (Tara) better learn how to cook! Our good friend Joe gave us a Rachel Ray cookbook that we're beginning to wear out. We both like to eat fairly healthy and are having fun trying out new recipes. We usually cook together, which has been enjoyable quality time. I don't know a whole lot of husbands who actually like to spend time in the kitchen (unless it's to raid the fridge!). I'm more of a natural baker than a natural cook, which isn't good in the fact that we both have a terrible sweet tooth, but I love making desserts for Jeromy. If you'd like to come over, though, we can now make some killer spanikopita turkey burgers, and the oriental chili we made the other day was amazing! So, if you're up for a good dose of heartburn, come visit us!
For those of you who missed the actual wedding, here is an overview of the day:
The wedding in and of itself was perfect. 70 degrees and blue skies set the tone, and everybody was smiling! The music was amazing. Dan Harney wrote us a song that was us to a "T", and the congregation joined us in singing "In Christ Alone" and "How Great Is Our God". Jeromy and I wrote our own vows. The flowers and sanctuary decorations were beautiful. There were no glitches. By God's grace, we were relatively calm and able to enjoy all of the events!
We just want you to know that the most important thing to us was not the flowers or dresses or cake, but our sacred ceremony, our vows to one another. Also, the offer to all our friends, family, and even acquaintances an invitation to rejoice and celebrate along with us. A wedding and all the events that surround it only happen once in a lifetime, and we are so blessed and grateful to have received so much love and support of this union. God has been present in our relationship from day one, and we have found Him continuing to bless us as husband and wife. Married life is wonderful.
I am still amazed at how naturally we fell into becoming husband and wife. There was no "transition" of sorts; it was as if we were always married and as if this is how it has always been - even though that was not the case! We are amazed at the growth in our sanctification even in the last two months, and that has evidenced to us that we were brought together, hugely in part, to learn to more clearly reflect Christ. We both will freely admit that we each play an instrumental spiritual role in the life of the other. There is truly a sweetness in this love that is entirely God-breathed. It is a beautiful thing to follow God's plan.
Enclosed are a few pictures we thought you might enjoy. We especially wanted those who did not get to attend the wedding to see the joy on our faces and the beauty of the day. We skittered off to Seattle the next day after staying at a Victorian B&B in Annapolis. Seattle was Jeromy's idea, and it was a good one! We spent half of our stay in the city, experiencing Pugit Sound and the Space Needle while enjoying a cup of joe at the first Starbucks. The last leg of our trip was spent at Mount Rainier! We stayed in a perfect, cozy little cabin at the base of the mountain and took hiking trips during the day! The best part of the whole week was that we didn't get a drop of rain! In fact, we got a bit sunburned! God gave us amazing weather while we were out West. We would HIGHLY recommend adding Washington State to your list of places to visit. To view our wedding and honeymoon photos, click here:
Wedding & Honeymoon (technical difficulties, sorry. Our pictures disappeared!)
Again, we thank you so much for embracing this marriage, for your prayers and tokens of love. They are all eternal investments.
Blessings,
Jeromy and Tara
The air has turned autumn cool, but these two hearts are still basking in the glow of the summer heat – August 12th, to be exact. This "collision" (love story), which initially took place this week least year, continues to keep us brimming with anticipation for what this journey holds for us.
We just wanted to take an opportunity to share how we are doing, and to thank you for generously being part of our beautiful wedding and all the events surrounding this exciting new chapter.
As a senior in high school, the BQ (Big Question) is always, "Where are you planning to go for college?" Just before college graduation, the typical BQ is, "Where will you work next year?" Fortunately, since Jeromy and I experienced a whirlwind romance with a relatively short engagement, we didn't get too many of the, "So when are you guys tying the knot?" Thankfully, we haven't even experienced the classic newlywed BQ, "When are you planning on having kids?" Bless you ALL for that! We're not telling. However, the BQ we ARE getting lately, is, natch, "How's married life?"
Where to start?!
When we told one man in our church we were getting married he said, "The sooner, the better. It frees you up." So we took his advice! He's wasn't kidding. Being married has freed us up in so many ways. The best part is not having to go to separate houses at night, that was such a hassle! It's nice to have everything we need in one location. We have our apartment organized as well as we can with what we've got. We haven't really decorated yet, as it's difficult to come up with a "theme" in a 2-bedroom apartment. Plus it's expensive. But we love our little home, even if all we have are picture frames and candles. What more does an American couple really need, anyway?! Our condo is set in a quiet, woodsy neighborhood and is a perfect place for starting a life together.
Lately we've been having wonderful Sunday School and Bible study groups, very challenging and great for fellowship. We couldn't wait to spend more time getting to know other Christian couples around here, now that we're no longer hermit wedding planners! We've also gotten involved in the church's missions & evangelism ministry, and we're very excited about that. We'd like to develop some life-long friendships, and I think we're finding that at our church!
If we're going to invite any of our friends and family into our home for dinner, I (Tara) better learn how to cook! Our good friend Joe gave us a Rachel Ray cookbook that we're beginning to wear out. We both like to eat fairly healthy and are having fun trying out new recipes. We usually cook together, which has been enjoyable quality time. I don't know a whole lot of husbands who actually like to spend time in the kitchen (unless it's to raid the fridge!). I'm more of a natural baker than a natural cook, which isn't good in the fact that we both have a terrible sweet tooth, but I love making desserts for Jeromy. If you'd like to come over, though, we can now make some killer spanikopita turkey burgers, and the oriental chili we made the other day was amazing! So, if you're up for a good dose of heartburn, come visit us!
For those of you who missed the actual wedding, here is an overview of the day:
The wedding in and of itself was perfect. 70 degrees and blue skies set the tone, and everybody was smiling! The music was amazing. Dan Harney wrote us a song that was us to a "T", and the congregation joined us in singing "In Christ Alone" and "How Great Is Our God". Jeromy and I wrote our own vows. The flowers and sanctuary decorations were beautiful. There were no glitches. By God's grace, we were relatively calm and able to enjoy all of the events!
We just want you to know that the most important thing to us was not the flowers or dresses or cake, but our sacred ceremony, our vows to one another. Also, the offer to all our friends, family, and even acquaintances an invitation to rejoice and celebrate along with us. A wedding and all the events that surround it only happen once in a lifetime, and we are so blessed and grateful to have received so much love and support of this union. God has been present in our relationship from day one, and we have found Him continuing to bless us as husband and wife. Married life is wonderful.
I am still amazed at how naturally we fell into becoming husband and wife. There was no "transition" of sorts; it was as if we were always married and as if this is how it has always been - even though that was not the case! We are amazed at the growth in our sanctification even in the last two months, and that has evidenced to us that we were brought together, hugely in part, to learn to more clearly reflect Christ. We both will freely admit that we each play an instrumental spiritual role in the life of the other. There is truly a sweetness in this love that is entirely God-breathed. It is a beautiful thing to follow God's plan.
Enclosed are a few pictures we thought you might enjoy. We especially wanted those who did not get to attend the wedding to see the joy on our faces and the beauty of the day. We skittered off to Seattle the next day after staying at a Victorian B&B in Annapolis. Seattle was Jeromy's idea, and it was a good one! We spent half of our stay in the city, experiencing Pugit Sound and the Space Needle while enjoying a cup of joe at the first Starbucks. The last leg of our trip was spent at Mount Rainier! We stayed in a perfect, cozy little cabin at the base of the mountain and took hiking trips during the day! The best part of the whole week was that we didn't get a drop of rain! In fact, we got a bit sunburned! God gave us amazing weather while we were out West. We would HIGHLY recommend adding Washington State to your list of places to visit. To view our wedding and honeymoon photos, click here:
Wedding & Honeymoon (technical difficulties, sorry. Our pictures disappeared!)
Again, we thank you so much for embracing this marriage, for your prayers and tokens of love. They are all eternal investments.
Blessings,
Jeromy and Tara
Saturday, April 8, 2006
Engaged!
I can't stand surprises if I get but a whiff of what's to come. That makes me desperate to know all the details, and I'm rather annoying when it comes to trying to find out. My engagement was no different. From the moment we first started talking about marriage, I turned into the impatient imp! In spite of myself, everything unfolded beautifully.
*****
Jeromy and I actually began talking about getting married back in January! (And since November, joking about running off to elope--in fact, we still do!) Very early on we knew this love was real, that God had His hand in this relationship and that there are plans He has for us together. Since we hadn't known each other very long we thought this connection we encountered was absolutely CRAZY! And it really IS!
We started talking about rings in February, and Jeromy started shopping around while I spent some more time in Charlotte. The week of Valentine's Day he called up my parents' house (well, after staring at his phone for 20 minutes!), and he asked my dad to unshackle his daughter--I mean, to marry his daughter! ;) Jeromy picked out a beautiful oval solitaire online, and he allowed me to choose the trellis setting. Knowing we were planning on getting married in the Fall (funny how SOME plans change...) and that we had long since been committed, waiting on the official proposal was TORTURE! I wanted to tell the world about my man, but I had to learn some patience.
Fortunately, Jeromy didn't make me wait too long. (He says I was "chomping at the bit"--how romantic!) While on vacation with the Cecil's in Vermont (beginning of March) he set up the details with the lighthouse caretakers, and planned to ask me shortly after my return a week later.
That weekend we had friends visit, and they had to leave earlier that morning. During the drive back from church Jeromy thought to call the guys to see where they were at on their trip home. Before hanging up one of his friends, unaware that he was on SPEAKER PHONE, said, "Oh, and pre-congratulations about tonight." Jeromy's ears turned bright red and I stared straight ahead. I didn't hear that, I really didn't hear that! "You're an idiot, I'm on speaker phone." Not another word was said about it! I thought it was ruined! I thought he for sure would decide not to propose that night.
We ate an entire pint of potato salad while sitting on the dock at Piney Point that evening. I still wasn't sure what was up Jeromy's sleeve, as it was pretty leisure. I was wearing capris, and my legs were getting cold, so I asked Jeromy if I could borrow his fleece jacket to cover them. I had no idea, but the ring was in the jacket pocket, and could have easily fallen into the water! But how was I to know? The sun was setting, so we walked over to the lighthouse. I had never seen it with the light on, and that was special in and of itself.
All of a sudden Jeromy began inspecting every square inch of the lighthouse. He was looking for a key, an open padlock, anything that would let us inside like he had been promised. I didn't know any of this. To me he looked like a crazy man running around the thing! He then ran over to the house a few yards away, jumped up the steps to see if the key was taped to the door. I was like, "What are you doing?! We're going to get in trouble for trespassing!" A dog started barking in one of the windows, yet he kept running around the property as if he owned it!
Finally he gave up his search, led me closer to the water's edge, and said, "Well....I brought you here for a reason." My eyes grew as big as saucers, I could feel it. Jer got down on one knee and, "I'm asking...will you be my wife?" (or something along those lines--no girl is thinking straight at a moment like that!) I do remember, however, responding with a hearty, "Of course!"Not everything went as planned, but everything was absolutely perfect!
*****
Jeromy and I actually began talking about getting married back in January! (And since November, joking about running off to elope--in fact, we still do!) Very early on we knew this love was real, that God had His hand in this relationship and that there are plans He has for us together. Since we hadn't known each other very long we thought this connection we encountered was absolutely CRAZY! And it really IS!
We started talking about rings in February, and Jeromy started shopping around while I spent some more time in Charlotte. The week of Valentine's Day he called up my parents' house (well, after staring at his phone for 20 minutes!), and he asked my dad to unshackle his daughter--I mean, to marry his daughter! ;) Jeromy picked out a beautiful oval solitaire online, and he allowed me to choose the trellis setting. Knowing we were planning on getting married in the Fall (funny how SOME plans change...) and that we had long since been committed, waiting on the official proposal was TORTURE! I wanted to tell the world about my man, but I had to learn some patience.
Fortunately, Jeromy didn't make me wait too long. (He says I was "chomping at the bit"--how romantic!) While on vacation with the Cecil's in Vermont (beginning of March) he set up the details with the lighthouse caretakers, and planned to ask me shortly after my return a week later.
That weekend we had friends visit, and they had to leave earlier that morning. During the drive back from church Jeromy thought to call the guys to see where they were at on their trip home. Before hanging up one of his friends, unaware that he was on SPEAKER PHONE, said, "Oh, and pre-congratulations about tonight." Jeromy's ears turned bright red and I stared straight ahead. I didn't hear that, I really didn't hear that! "You're an idiot, I'm on speaker phone." Not another word was said about it! I thought it was ruined! I thought he for sure would decide not to propose that night.
We ate an entire pint of potato salad while sitting on the dock at Piney Point that evening. I still wasn't sure what was up Jeromy's sleeve, as it was pretty leisure. I was wearing capris, and my legs were getting cold, so I asked Jeromy if I could borrow his fleece jacket to cover them. I had no idea, but the ring was in the jacket pocket, and could have easily fallen into the water! But how was I to know? The sun was setting, so we walked over to the lighthouse. I had never seen it with the light on, and that was special in and of itself.
All of a sudden Jeromy began inspecting every square inch of the lighthouse. He was looking for a key, an open padlock, anything that would let us inside like he had been promised. I didn't know any of this. To me he looked like a crazy man running around the thing! He then ran over to the house a few yards away, jumped up the steps to see if the key was taped to the door. I was like, "What are you doing?! We're going to get in trouble for trespassing!" A dog started barking in one of the windows, yet he kept running around the property as if he owned it!
Finally he gave up his search, led me closer to the water's edge, and said, "Well....I brought you here for a reason." My eyes grew as big as saucers, I could feel it. Jer got down on one knee and, "I'm asking...will you be my wife?" (or something along those lines--no girl is thinking straight at a moment like that!) I do remember, however, responding with a hearty, "Of course!"Not everything went as planned, but everything was absolutely perfect!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
The Meeting
These are the major events surrounding the time Jeromy and I met and fell in love. The official "collision", which we like to call it. 'Meant to be' is an understatement! Here - take this tissue.
*****
Back at the end of September (2005) I was in the process of looking for a church to attend during my stay in Maryland as a nanny. Don't ask me how but while playing around on Myspace (which we both never even use anymore!) I noticed Jeromy's page and that he was from Lexington Park, MD (just a couple miles down the road). His page was highly Christian, mentioning some of the books he likes to read and all that (which included specific books of the Bible and other Christian authors). I had just recently visited Lexington Park Baptist Church, and shot him a short email to ask if he was familiar with it, or if he knew of any other good churches in the area. Turns out he used to attend that church, and it was crazy because I later found out that he used to attend Bible study with some Christian girls I met at St. Mary's College (the ones who invited me to the campus ministry bonfire!). In fact, they even invited me to that same Bible study, and I never went. That means, had I accepted the invitation and attended the Bible study, I would have met Jeromy earlier than I did! Crazy... But who cares--we met anyhow!
After that we emailed back and forth for a couple weeks, talking about John Piper and Calvinism (4.5 vs. 5-point and all that), just a friendly conversation about a bunch of theological stuff. He asked me if I knew Piper since I'm from Minnesota, and I told him yes, and that I even visited Piper's church just before coming out here to Maryland! I even forwarded the notes on his sermon because I thought Jeromy might be interested. And then, since I was reading Captivating by John Eldredge, and I found out he was into Wild at Heart by the same author, we started talking about some of those issues.
The next week when I was in Charlotte, NC with the Cecils, Jeromy sent me a message that simply said, "When are you coming back to Southern Maryland so we can actually meet???" I was kind of taken aback, but laughed it off a little bit. My mind was kind of distracted elsewhere at the moment. Meeting Jeromy was the most random thing that had happened to me so far while in Maryland. It turns out, however, that my distraction was a good thing, or I might have been tempted to go after Jeromy, to pursue him instead of allowing God to lead him to pursue me. It was all perfect timing, the way it worked out.
I really wasn't seeking anything with Jeromy. In fact, I just about turned him down when he asked if I'd like to meet up with him and some of his friends at the Coffee Quarter one Friday night (October 21st). I just didn't want to go. And I don't know why. But at the last minute I decided, why not? I ought to make some friends so I don't end up a hermit all year! And actually, that night we didn't get to talk very much at the coffee shop because there was this jazz group from the College of Southern Maryland performing, and they were pretty loud. But afterward we went outside and with one of his friends and spent some time talking. Just nice and light. Yet even then I caught the vibe that Jeromy and I were on the same page spiritually. He walked me to my car, and it started to rain. And we just stood there and talked some more--in the rain!!
I didn't email Jeromy after that. I didn't even hear from him until the following Friday (October 28th), when he called me at about 6 pm, asking if I'd like to go to Panera Bread and then catch some ice cream at Cold Stone. I had just come in from a run, and I had almost passed out on the couch when he called. He gave me all of 15 minutes to freshen up (thanks, Jer!), and he was at the door! Talk about short notice! But it was fine, and we ended up talking nonstop again. I almost didn't even want to take a bite of food because then we'd have to pause the conversation--it was unbelievable!
I believe the next time we got together was Sunday afternoon, two days after Panera Bread (October 30th). By this time I knew something was UP with this guy. Again, he called me last minute, about an hour after church, and he drove us around to all these fun little nooks in St. Mary's County. Little known parks and beaches, lighthouses, docks...they all had beautiful views! Our last stop was Piney Point Lighthouse. Piney Point would soon become "our spot".
By that time it had grown dark, and the sky was bright. A million stars. We walked to the end of the dock and just stood there for probably an hour and a half, just marveling in wonder at the things of God. We never talked about this friendship we had formed, or whether we wanted to be more than friends. It was ALL about God. That night was magic, and we both knew it. God was doing something here, but we didn't have a clue where that would lead. All of that was yet unsaid.
I think we ate out one more time before the missions banquet with the Potomac Baptist Association. It was weird. He called me Monday night (October 31st), just after I hung up with the Association office to make a reservation so I could attend the banquet. There was no way I was going to invite Jeromy. I don't ask guys out, period. But when he called I said that I just finished making reservations for the banquet, he immediately responded with, "Oh yeah, that sounds cool!" He said it as if I made a reservation for TWO--me AND him! I didn't know what to say! It was awkward, but at the same time it wasn't! So I just played along, "You mean you would like to go?" There went God again...appointing things out of my control! I almost laughed out loud!
So yes, Jeromy went to the banquet with me the following Thursday (November 4th). And I paid! (*gasp*) The speaker at the missions banquet was Carrie McDonnall, lone survivor of an Iraqi insurgent attack back in March of '04. She, her husband, and two other individuals were missionaries over in Iraq, and they all perished except for Carrie, despite the fact she was wounded over 22 times. 22 TIMES!!! Most people are dead with ONE bullet! This woman is definitely a recipient of God's mercy. God has a message for her to share with the world. And share she did!
Recently we joked about how the seating at our table was pretty cozy, and despite no other physical contact up to that point, we were forced to rest our leg against the other's! The previous week I sent Jeromy an email with just one word: "integrity", because I was so impressed with how honorably and selflessly he treated me at all times. I was beginning to grasp the importance of communicating more specifically when he wrote back and asked, "Is that to say I have it or need it?" :)
After the banquet Jeromy drove me back to the Cecils, but we stayed in the truck and talked for at least another hour. It was good. Then I realized I had decided not to bring my purse, and that my house key was locked inside! It was after 11 by then, and to my dismay I ended up waking both Mike and Chris, AND Samantha--who was screaming once they let me in the house. And THEN the security alarm went off, and...it was a mess. So I said a quick goodbye to Jeromy and went straight up to my bedroom. I felt horrible and embarrassed and I wanted to hide.
I wasn't tired, though, so I emailed a "thank-you-but-sorry-for-the-incident" message, and then when I clicked send, I noticed Jeromy had sent me a message at the same time! We were both too wired to sleep, so we hopped on MSN messenger and chatted for...a few more hours! As it were, Jeromy decided to just lay it all out there, and he commented about how amazing it has been to meet someone like me who wants to talk about the things of God. He said he had to wear his heart on his sleeve and take a risk with me. It took us until 2:30 in the morning to finish that conversation! We will never forget that night/wee morning.
Near the beginning I had feared taking it further than friendship because I had never before experienced such a spiritual connection to somebody so quickly in all my life. From the start it was obvious that this was NOT about Jeromy and Tara. This was about GOD. All I could do was just pray that it would ALWAYS be about God. But I was still scared because I DID want more, and God had to show me that that didn't have to be a bad thing. For the first time it wasn't ME striving. I wasn't seeking anything. It was frightening because it WAS (and IS) totally out of my control. There were Hands greater than mine at work here. It was so real I could feel it. And the last thing I wanted to do was to dishonor that sacredness. I didn't want this God-focus to all of a sudden make this selfish shift so that it became about Jeromy and Tara. The thought haunted me. So I didn't say a word. And then I was struck with one thought: Well, if it be in the mind of God Almighty, then what if, perhaps one day it just might be more about GOD if it were more about Jeromy and Tara? MORE sacred. And the fear absolutely crumbled. It dissolved. And yet I still didn't say a word. I've learned enough in my day (the hard way, always!) to let the guy be the pursuer. I don't want to rob a guy of that glory, nor do I want to rob myself of a potentially incredible story. So I just waited. But surprisingly, it wasn't hard! And then, that night God opened Jeromy's mouth, and there you have it...a collision. An amazing whirlwind of a collision that still causes me to rub my eyes in the middle of the day, wondering if this is real. (Pinching hurts, so I stopped that!) And it IS real. And we covet that sacredness. We may have to fight for it at times, but it is every bit worth the fight.
We could hardly wait until daylight, because we planned to meet for breakfast. We stopped at the store to pick up some bagels and sat at the Piney Point dock again. Jeromy brought his guitar and we sang praise songs toward the horizon and prayed some. Perfection....
The rest is history, I guess. October 21st and November 5th are two quite special days for us. And soon to come, August 12th!
See also: Engaged!, Our Wedding Vows, and Jeromy
*****
Back at the end of September (2005) I was in the process of looking for a church to attend during my stay in Maryland as a nanny. Don't ask me how but while playing around on Myspace (which we both never even use anymore!) I noticed Jeromy's page and that he was from Lexington Park, MD (just a couple miles down the road). His page was highly Christian, mentioning some of the books he likes to read and all that (which included specific books of the Bible and other Christian authors). I had just recently visited Lexington Park Baptist Church, and shot him a short email to ask if he was familiar with it, or if he knew of any other good churches in the area. Turns out he used to attend that church, and it was crazy because I later found out that he used to attend Bible study with some Christian girls I met at St. Mary's College (the ones who invited me to the campus ministry bonfire!). In fact, they even invited me to that same Bible study, and I never went. That means, had I accepted the invitation and attended the Bible study, I would have met Jeromy earlier than I did! Crazy... But who cares--we met anyhow!
After that we emailed back and forth for a couple weeks, talking about John Piper and Calvinism (4.5 vs. 5-point and all that), just a friendly conversation about a bunch of theological stuff. He asked me if I knew Piper since I'm from Minnesota, and I told him yes, and that I even visited Piper's church just before coming out here to Maryland! I even forwarded the notes on his sermon because I thought Jeromy might be interested. And then, since I was reading Captivating by John Eldredge, and I found out he was into Wild at Heart by the same author, we started talking about some of those issues.
The next week when I was in Charlotte, NC with the Cecils, Jeromy sent me a message that simply said, "When are you coming back to Southern Maryland so we can actually meet???" I was kind of taken aback, but laughed it off a little bit. My mind was kind of distracted elsewhere at the moment. Meeting Jeromy was the most random thing that had happened to me so far while in Maryland. It turns out, however, that my distraction was a good thing, or I might have been tempted to go after Jeromy, to pursue him instead of allowing God to lead him to pursue me. It was all perfect timing, the way it worked out.
I really wasn't seeking anything with Jeromy. In fact, I just about turned him down when he asked if I'd like to meet up with him and some of his friends at the Coffee Quarter one Friday night (October 21st). I just didn't want to go. And I don't know why. But at the last minute I decided, why not? I ought to make some friends so I don't end up a hermit all year! And actually, that night we didn't get to talk very much at the coffee shop because there was this jazz group from the College of Southern Maryland performing, and they were pretty loud. But afterward we went outside and with one of his friends and spent some time talking. Just nice and light. Yet even then I caught the vibe that Jeromy and I were on the same page spiritually. He walked me to my car, and it started to rain. And we just stood there and talked some more--in the rain!!
I didn't email Jeromy after that. I didn't even hear from him until the following Friday (October 28th), when he called me at about 6 pm, asking if I'd like to go to Panera Bread and then catch some ice cream at Cold Stone. I had just come in from a run, and I had almost passed out on the couch when he called. He gave me all of 15 minutes to freshen up (thanks, Jer!), and he was at the door! Talk about short notice! But it was fine, and we ended up talking nonstop again. I almost didn't even want to take a bite of food because then we'd have to pause the conversation--it was unbelievable!
I believe the next time we got together was Sunday afternoon, two days after Panera Bread (October 30th). By this time I knew something was UP with this guy. Again, he called me last minute, about an hour after church, and he drove us around to all these fun little nooks in St. Mary's County. Little known parks and beaches, lighthouses, docks...they all had beautiful views! Our last stop was Piney Point Lighthouse. Piney Point would soon become "our spot".
By that time it had grown dark, and the sky was bright. A million stars. We walked to the end of the dock and just stood there for probably an hour and a half, just marveling in wonder at the things of God. We never talked about this friendship we had formed, or whether we wanted to be more than friends. It was ALL about God. That night was magic, and we both knew it. God was doing something here, but we didn't have a clue where that would lead. All of that was yet unsaid.
I think we ate out one more time before the missions banquet with the Potomac Baptist Association. It was weird. He called me Monday night (October 31st), just after I hung up with the Association office to make a reservation so I could attend the banquet. There was no way I was going to invite Jeromy. I don't ask guys out, period. But when he called I said that I just finished making reservations for the banquet, he immediately responded with, "Oh yeah, that sounds cool!" He said it as if I made a reservation for TWO--me AND him! I didn't know what to say! It was awkward, but at the same time it wasn't! So I just played along, "You mean you would like to go?" There went God again...appointing things out of my control! I almost laughed out loud!
So yes, Jeromy went to the banquet with me the following Thursday (November 4th). And I paid! (*gasp*) The speaker at the missions banquet was Carrie McDonnall, lone survivor of an Iraqi insurgent attack back in March of '04. She, her husband, and two other individuals were missionaries over in Iraq, and they all perished except for Carrie, despite the fact she was wounded over 22 times. 22 TIMES!!! Most people are dead with ONE bullet! This woman is definitely a recipient of God's mercy. God has a message for her to share with the world. And share she did!
Recently we joked about how the seating at our table was pretty cozy, and despite no other physical contact up to that point, we were forced to rest our leg against the other's! The previous week I sent Jeromy an email with just one word: "integrity", because I was so impressed with how honorably and selflessly he treated me at all times. I was beginning to grasp the importance of communicating more specifically when he wrote back and asked, "Is that to say I have it or need it?" :)
After the banquet Jeromy drove me back to the Cecils, but we stayed in the truck and talked for at least another hour. It was good. Then I realized I had decided not to bring my purse, and that my house key was locked inside! It was after 11 by then, and to my dismay I ended up waking both Mike and Chris, AND Samantha--who was screaming once they let me in the house. And THEN the security alarm went off, and...it was a mess. So I said a quick goodbye to Jeromy and went straight up to my bedroom. I felt horrible and embarrassed and I wanted to hide.
I wasn't tired, though, so I emailed a "thank-you-but-sorry-for-the-incident" message, and then when I clicked send, I noticed Jeromy had sent me a message at the same time! We were both too wired to sleep, so we hopped on MSN messenger and chatted for...a few more hours! As it were, Jeromy decided to just lay it all out there, and he commented about how amazing it has been to meet someone like me who wants to talk about the things of God. He said he had to wear his heart on his sleeve and take a risk with me. It took us until 2:30 in the morning to finish that conversation! We will never forget that night/wee morning.
Near the beginning I had feared taking it further than friendship because I had never before experienced such a spiritual connection to somebody so quickly in all my life. From the start it was obvious that this was NOT about Jeromy and Tara. This was about GOD. All I could do was just pray that it would ALWAYS be about God. But I was still scared because I DID want more, and God had to show me that that didn't have to be a bad thing. For the first time it wasn't ME striving. I wasn't seeking anything. It was frightening because it WAS (and IS) totally out of my control. There were Hands greater than mine at work here. It was so real I could feel it. And the last thing I wanted to do was to dishonor that sacredness. I didn't want this God-focus to all of a sudden make this selfish shift so that it became about Jeromy and Tara. The thought haunted me. So I didn't say a word. And then I was struck with one thought: Well, if it be in the mind of God Almighty, then what if, perhaps one day it just might be more about GOD if it were more about Jeromy and Tara? MORE sacred. And the fear absolutely crumbled. It dissolved. And yet I still didn't say a word. I've learned enough in my day (the hard way, always!) to let the guy be the pursuer. I don't want to rob a guy of that glory, nor do I want to rob myself of a potentially incredible story. So I just waited. But surprisingly, it wasn't hard! And then, that night God opened Jeromy's mouth, and there you have it...a collision. An amazing whirlwind of a collision that still causes me to rub my eyes in the middle of the day, wondering if this is real. (Pinching hurts, so I stopped that!) And it IS real. And we covet that sacredness. We may have to fight for it at times, but it is every bit worth the fight.
We could hardly wait until daylight, because we planned to meet for breakfast. We stopped at the store to pick up some bagels and sat at the Piney Point dock again. Jeromy brought his guitar and we sang praise songs toward the horizon and prayed some. Perfection....
The rest is history, I guess. October 21st and November 5th are two quite special days for us. And soon to come, August 12th!
See also: Engaged!, Our Wedding Vows, and Jeromy
Monday, March 6, 2006
Grace
This is part of my personal testimony. Our pastor told myself and Jeromy to write about our spiritual lives so that he would know a little about us before starting pre-marital counseling with us. I think every blog I write includes more details of my spiritual journey. Although I was saved as a child, I am forever still in the growing stages! But the account below is more of the "nutshell" version.
*****
I was born into a Christian family and attended church regularly throughout my childhood. I had learned about salvation in Sunday school and from my parents, and it was my father who led me to the Lord after church one Sunday when I was five years old (November 17, 1985 to be exact). My profession of faith was made public by immersion two years later. Church membership followed my baptism, and I continued to actively participate in all services as well as children's programs.
Despite faithfulness to the local church, there was little evidence of maturity in my sanctification until my teenage years, when I truly began to understand and submit to Christ's lordship in my life. That is to say, for many of my growing up years I had the appearance of the "ideal" Christian girl, but I had yet to grow into an understanding of a personal relationship with God.
The summer prior to my last year of high school I experienced the accidental death of one of my youth group peers. The tragedy was one of my first encounters with this level of grief. At the same time, my church was going through a split, and both losses deeply affected me and broke me spiritually. I began to depend on the Lord and started to come to him voluntarily through prayer. From that point in time until now, I have seen God's hand teach me volumes about Himself and His plan for my life through life's experiences: changes, challenges, blessings, chastening, desires, joys, trials, people, ministries, etc.
After high school I went on to attend a Bible college, where I gained, most of all, a yearning to know my God even more intimately. My Bible professors taught me how to study the Bible, challenging me to base my convictions on what I have personally read of His Word instead of blindly accepting the convictions of man at face value in the same vein as did the church of Berea. After college graduation up until the present, I have sought to remain a student of the Bible. College laid for me a tremendous foundation for my Christian life, but there is still so much more of God to explore and probe and seek and glorify.
Lately, the Lord has been impressing upon my heart concepts such as grace and love and evangelism and freedom in Christ. I am especially and increasingly grateful for and awestruck by His grace in my own life. As a 5-year-old Sunday school kid I received grace that has eternally wrapped me in a blanket of Christ's righteousness, but it is the grace of His that I encounter every day that, in my opinion, is the most profound grace of all. And even when I receive it, I cannot keep it for myself. I live in a world that is in desperate need of grace, and I have both a duty and a passion to see that my life rightly represents what God's grace is all about.
"For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required" (Luke 12:48b).
*****
I was born into a Christian family and attended church regularly throughout my childhood. I had learned about salvation in Sunday school and from my parents, and it was my father who led me to the Lord after church one Sunday when I was five years old (November 17, 1985 to be exact). My profession of faith was made public by immersion two years later. Church membership followed my baptism, and I continued to actively participate in all services as well as children's programs.
Despite faithfulness to the local church, there was little evidence of maturity in my sanctification until my teenage years, when I truly began to understand and submit to Christ's lordship in my life. That is to say, for many of my growing up years I had the appearance of the "ideal" Christian girl, but I had yet to grow into an understanding of a personal relationship with God.
The summer prior to my last year of high school I experienced the accidental death of one of my youth group peers. The tragedy was one of my first encounters with this level of grief. At the same time, my church was going through a split, and both losses deeply affected me and broke me spiritually. I began to depend on the Lord and started to come to him voluntarily through prayer. From that point in time until now, I have seen God's hand teach me volumes about Himself and His plan for my life through life's experiences: changes, challenges, blessings, chastening, desires, joys, trials, people, ministries, etc.
After high school I went on to attend a Bible college, where I gained, most of all, a yearning to know my God even more intimately. My Bible professors taught me how to study the Bible, challenging me to base my convictions on what I have personally read of His Word instead of blindly accepting the convictions of man at face value in the same vein as did the church of Berea. After college graduation up until the present, I have sought to remain a student of the Bible. College laid for me a tremendous foundation for my Christian life, but there is still so much more of God to explore and probe and seek and glorify.
Lately, the Lord has been impressing upon my heart concepts such as grace and love and evangelism and freedom in Christ. I am especially and increasingly grateful for and awestruck by His grace in my own life. As a 5-year-old Sunday school kid I received grace that has eternally wrapped me in a blanket of Christ's righteousness, but it is the grace of His that I encounter every day that, in my opinion, is the most profound grace of all. And even when I receive it, I cannot keep it for myself. I live in a world that is in desperate need of grace, and I have both a duty and a passion to see that my life rightly represents what God's grace is all about.
"For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required" (Luke 12:48b).
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