Questioning Motives

My friend Naomi posted a blog that got me thinking this morning.

I often wonder if I sin constantly in my motives. I was just reading the Hiding Place where Corrie ten Boom confessed a realization of her own selfishness. Striving to reach the middle of the crowd during roll call so she wouldn't be as cold as those on the outside. Hoarding vitamin water for her ill sister Betsie, only administering it to her at night so no one else would see and want some. Defending her actions by thinking how they were ministering in the camp and sharing the gospel to the prisoners so they needed to be in fair physical condition because God was using them.

But how far do you take it? Were they sinning in their motives? Or was Corrie just being unreasonable and her actions actually just? I don't know. Am I sinning in my motives when I feel the least I am entitled to is a shower every day? I mean, Corrie didn't get to shower for months!! What about when I feel entitled to a clean kitchen floor? Or the opportunity to get out of the house because I am stir crazy? I think that by taking care of myself and maintaining a pleasant environment I can better take care of and minister to my family. Happy wife, happy life - right?

Is the fact that I question this an evidence that it is sin? Or is Satan whispering tiny lies, trying to distract me from the main thing by getting me to walk on eggshells around my relationship with God? If "eating and drinking to the glory of God" is a biblical concept, when does this turn inward and selfish? Are we as Christians even capable of truly honoring God with our choices or is there within even the most pure thought and action always this slight bent toward preserving self?

Do I just not trust God enough to provide for my needs, even the lesser visible emotional and social ones? Or do I simply invent "needs" for myself when my vision of Jehovah Jireh becomes blurred? The phrase "God is enough" implies such an abstract concept that I think most of the time I don't realize that my needs are even met. How very basic are my needs and how spoiled I have become!

Still, could there be folly in worrying so much about whether my motive is right that it prohibits me from just living and enjoying God's gifts and blessings? Where is that fine line? I wish He would have spelled all that out so we could know. But I suppose that's the Pharisee in me.

These things I constantly wonder...