Even though he didn't win, it was fun to watch!
*****
Jeromy and I don't have cable. We both grew up with the TV on in our homes non-stop, and now we've chosen not to create an entertainment center shrine in our living room. The main reasons are, first, that we don't want to waste our lives mindlessly clicking the remote. The other is to escape most of the trash that permeates the tube.
I do catch Food Network shows at the gym (Go Rachel Ray!), and on occasion we do watch movies on our actual TV set, but we just don't pay for further television reception. In fact, we recommend the two most recent flicks we rented: "The End of the Spear" and the 2006 version of "The Ten Commandments". Both are highly engaging as well as thought-provoking -- yes, and entertaining. Still, they both resulted in sanctifying conversations between Jeromy and I after viewing them. I like movies that do that.
However, there is a downside to forgoing TV, and that is because I just found out one of my relatives is on American Idol! No joke.
Now, I've only watched one season of that highly overrated show, which was the year of the infamous William Hung. I literally couldn't help it. At the time I was working as a nanny for a family enthralled with American Idol. I would be hiding in the basement typing up emails while upstairs they blasted the show on their plasma TV and surround sound. I simply could not NOT hear it. I would be typing away, occasionally snickering at the latest contestant flop. Then I heard for the first time that now-familiar Asian voice belting out those unforgettable lyrics, "She bangs." I shall go no further with that. However, it got me upstairs and I ended up watching the rest of the season. I am a sucker. Thank you, Sweeney family. :)
Today my mom sent me an email with pictures of this guy named Chris Sligh. Apparently he's married to my second cousin Sarah (formerly) Quebe. Years ago we used to play in barns and trees at family reunions. They live in South Carolina now, so I probably haven't seen this girl for 10 years or more. Now she's married to Chris Sligh, a presently advancing contestant on American Idol, 2007. Wow. Makes me want cable just to see that. However, I did find some videos on YouTube of Chris' initial performance. Check it out. Let me know how he does since, you know, we're losers by the world's standard and don't have TV.
Looks like Chris has got voice AND charisma. Plus hair Richard Simmons only dreams about.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Speeding Heart
Most of the time when I'm driving on my local freeway, I notice that each vehicle acts independently from the other surrounding vehicles. And I mean to the extreme. Everybody wants to be first in line; nobody enjoys being cut off or slowed down. Today I noticed something different.
Living on a peninsula, there are only two main roads that run north and south: Routes 5 and 235. Southern Maryland is growing rapidly, as, it seems, everywhere else. The result is increased traffic on the road most heavily traveled to various workplaces around the county. 235 is crazy enough, and on top of that the speed limit is just 55mph.
I have a 30 minute drive to work, and it's just not fun to be on the road for an hour every day. I am constantly tempted to push 60...then 70, and I admit I average a speed of 70mph during the daily commute. The battle with the old nature is strong sometimes, especially in circumstances where breaking the law is accepted by the norm. And especially when 70mph is the flow of traffic.
Every time my speedometer reaches or passes 70mph my eyes are the widest and my heart beats the quickest. 'Is that a cop?' I reputedly ask myself, carefully judging each vehicle behind me for lights or Crown Vic characteristics. Cops love to lurk in all the nooks and crannies of 235, and I'm sure it's a rush to squeal their tires on the random casual speeder.
I have to say, God seems to give me the most grace during that drive to work! I've only had one speeding ticket in my life, and that was three years ago. Never mind that I was the only vehicle on a straight rural freeway. I just wonder how many tickets I really deserve! I'm sure most of us would confess that we'd be broke if we had to pay all those fines!
Back to today....I was about a third of the way to work when I noticed that I was second in line of six cars sandwiched together. There was plenty of room in the right lane, but all stayed left. We were pretty tight, yet all going at the same speed so it felt safe. And then I realized that we were no longer acting independently of one another. We had formed this chain on purpose as a means of protection from receiving a citation! The speed of choice was about 72mph, yet there was no way a cop could have squeezed in between any of us to tag us for speeding, except for maybe the last person. What a genius idea!
I kept checking the rearview mirror to see if anyone was going to pass on the right, and for about 15 miles, nobody moved. Suddenly we passed one cop sitting on a side road, hiding behind some trees. I waited for him to make his move, but no action. I could almost hear his exaggerated sigh as he felt the gust from our six-car train sway his police vehicle a bit. The crazy thing was, I felt a tinge of guilt, though overshadowed by this incredible feeling of escape.
Soon I saw these two highway patrol cars zip right past me from out of nowhere! I looked down at the speedometer and noticed I was still at 70mph. The two cops must have been going 75-80! Maybe they grew frustrated at our "snail's pace" that they decided to pass us all!
After that our little caravan broke apart, and I eased back into 65-70, pondering all the silent communication that had taken place over the last 15 minutes. Why should it irk me that a cop feels he doesn't need to keep the law, but that we have to always stress over it, always have to avoid getting caught? The problem was, I had just cooperated with five other people in order to stretch the law! No, to break the law -- to participate in a crime! I am an individually responsible citizen, and that excuse surely won't go over if I ever do get pulled over again!
This happens on the road all the time. Today I just noticed it. The point is, I can't go with the flow just because the next man does, or even because I sense people riding my tail in order to force me to speed. Speeding breaks the law, end of story. But I do it and will probably do it again, just to save a precious 5 minutes on the road. All for nothing, really. And the scary part is, that mentality most likely spills over into other areas of my life as well. 'Maybe God will offer more lenience since everybody does it. Or maybe it's not so bad after all.'
At times I catch myself drowning in these thoughts. Other times I don't. It's those times of guiltlessness that should worry me. "The heart is [indeed] deceitful above all things, desperately wicked, who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9).
Search me O God!
Living on a peninsula, there are only two main roads that run north and south: Routes 5 and 235. Southern Maryland is growing rapidly, as, it seems, everywhere else. The result is increased traffic on the road most heavily traveled to various workplaces around the county. 235 is crazy enough, and on top of that the speed limit is just 55mph.
I have a 30 minute drive to work, and it's just not fun to be on the road for an hour every day. I am constantly tempted to push 60...then 70, and I admit I average a speed of 70mph during the daily commute. The battle with the old nature is strong sometimes, especially in circumstances where breaking the law is accepted by the norm. And especially when 70mph is the flow of traffic.
Every time my speedometer reaches or passes 70mph my eyes are the widest and my heart beats the quickest. 'Is that a cop?' I reputedly ask myself, carefully judging each vehicle behind me for lights or Crown Vic characteristics. Cops love to lurk in all the nooks and crannies of 235, and I'm sure it's a rush to squeal their tires on the random casual speeder.
I have to say, God seems to give me the most grace during that drive to work! I've only had one speeding ticket in my life, and that was three years ago. Never mind that I was the only vehicle on a straight rural freeway. I just wonder how many tickets I really deserve! I'm sure most of us would confess that we'd be broke if we had to pay all those fines!
Back to today....I was about a third of the way to work when I noticed that I was second in line of six cars sandwiched together. There was plenty of room in the right lane, but all stayed left. We were pretty tight, yet all going at the same speed so it felt safe. And then I realized that we were no longer acting independently of one another. We had formed this chain on purpose as a means of protection from receiving a citation! The speed of choice was about 72mph, yet there was no way a cop could have squeezed in between any of us to tag us for speeding, except for maybe the last person. What a genius idea!
I kept checking the rearview mirror to see if anyone was going to pass on the right, and for about 15 miles, nobody moved. Suddenly we passed one cop sitting on a side road, hiding behind some trees. I waited for him to make his move, but no action. I could almost hear his exaggerated sigh as he felt the gust from our six-car train sway his police vehicle a bit. The crazy thing was, I felt a tinge of guilt, though overshadowed by this incredible feeling of escape.
Soon I saw these two highway patrol cars zip right past me from out of nowhere! I looked down at the speedometer and noticed I was still at 70mph. The two cops must have been going 75-80! Maybe they grew frustrated at our "snail's pace" that they decided to pass us all!
After that our little caravan broke apart, and I eased back into 65-70, pondering all the silent communication that had taken place over the last 15 minutes. Why should it irk me that a cop feels he doesn't need to keep the law, but that we have to always stress over it, always have to avoid getting caught? The problem was, I had just cooperated with five other people in order to stretch the law! No, to break the law -- to participate in a crime! I am an individually responsible citizen, and that excuse surely won't go over if I ever do get pulled over again!
This happens on the road all the time. Today I just noticed it. The point is, I can't go with the flow just because the next man does, or even because I sense people riding my tail in order to force me to speed. Speeding breaks the law, end of story. But I do it and will probably do it again, just to save a precious 5 minutes on the road. All for nothing, really. And the scary part is, that mentality most likely spills over into other areas of my life as well. 'Maybe God will offer more lenience since everybody does it. Or maybe it's not so bad after all.'
At times I catch myself drowning in these thoughts. Other times I don't. It's those times of guiltlessness that should worry me. "The heart is [indeed] deceitful above all things, desperately wicked, who can know it?" (Jeremiah 17:9).
Search me O God!
Friday, February 23, 2007
work, Waldorf, Thai, coffee, mornings, Bob Dole, and Valentine's Day
I have restless fingers syndrome.
Not really, just need to type. The only time I really get to blog is at work. The official title of my position is LOCATE: Child Care Counselor. I work for a non-profit organization called the Southern Maryland Child Care Resource Center (mouthful!), an aspect of which is a referral service. I take calls from parents looking for child care, and I give them information on licensed family and center providers in the tri-county. There is also some counseling involved, such as how to screen providers and identify quality care. The process averages 30-50 minutes each. Some days it's crazy busy and I'm sick of talking by the end of the day. Other days, like today, the phone is s l o w ... On top of it, it's jeans Friday and I just want to go home and spend time with my sweetie! Although, that does give me BLOG TIME!
Life in Southern Maryland is what you make of it. St. Mary's County is a peninsula, so you can either go north, south, or....north or south. Waldorf is the closest "big city", but a friend of ours once stated most accurately by calling Waldorf "one big store." Basically, that means there's just a bunch of malls and restaurants crammed together, which makes both shopping and eating a most difficult task on the weekend. And with a 45 minute drive, we never venture there except for weekends, so it's just not fun.
However, one of the two perks of Waldorf is Bed Bath & Beyond, which is where we used up most of our wedding gift cards to purchase all our house necessities. But even that got old. How is it we all seem to need so much junk?! Those cards are long gone, though, so now we never go there. :)
The other perk of Waldorf is Thai Flavor. Jeromy and I have a running joke because he called it "Thai Taste" by accident one time, and now we like that name better. :) They make the BEST satay in the world! Ok, so I've only had it at a couple other restaurants, but that's about the validity of most statistics anyway, right? I didn't really like Asian food before I met Jeromy. But then I met Jeromy, and now Asian is my obsession!
I think I grew to love Asian because it's healthier and fresher than a lot of other restaurant choices out there. (Especially Mexican!) At least you feel it's healthier because you're eating rice and broccoli. Sometimes I'd like to hold onto my blissful ignorance. Because if you don't want me to ruin you, don't look up the nutrition information for the majority of menu items at Panera Bread. Panera Bread!!! Trust me. You might as well eat at McDonalds.
And then there's coffee. This county needs more coffee shops! There are three that I know of. One is a tiny, highly over-commercialized Starbucks with uncomfortable and dirty seating, and is always cold. Then you have Brewing Grounds, which was half my weekly employment from November to January. I loved learning how to make espresso and interacting with people in the community. It's got the best ambiance in the county as far as I'm concerned. But they they close way too early (5pm!!!), yet I can't complain because as a former employee, the hours were great!
On the other hand, the Coffee Quarter, which is where Jeromy and I met (besides on Myspace!) is also nice, but the quality of the coffee-making isn't worth the price for a decent latte. That, and the only time we can really go there is Friday night. But after a few Friday night outings at the Coffee Quarter, we've about had it with the obnoxiously LOUD teenie bopper Emo groups. We'd rather sip coffee together somewhere that doesn't require yelling in order to hear one another!
So...what's a young, Christian, newlywed, coffee-drinking couple without children to do on a Friday night?
Actually, since Jeromy and I get up so stinkin' early during the work week, we tend to feel exhausted and spent by 9pm, even on weekends. How pathetic is that? Personally, I enjoy the early morning better than the late night because the day is fresh; full of light, energy, and mercy. The day's events are a mystery, with an element of anticipation if ever I let it. Too quickly I find myself embracing the day through a lens of tasks and responsibilities that I make stressful or mundane, and that strip me of the day's initial wonder. Perhaps that's why I do love mornings so much. There's always a possibility that in all of God's prompting, He will actually get my attention; much greater a feat, and keep it. I long for that every day, but I'm usually too busy doing in order to be. Abundant life is what God offers, but sometimes I just grope for life at all. Maybe in the morning, things will be different...
Evenings are ok, if there is enough caffeine and liveliness to keep us going. However, we usually wait until in the moment before we finally ask the question, "So, what should we do tonight?" I don't recommend that because most everything spontaneous we can think of involve spending money.
Take Valentine's Day, for example. This year was actually our first Valentine's together because though we were a couple last year, I had to be in Charlotte that week. So then now we finally get to be together for the holiday, all thoughts and plans fail because we have a huge ice storm the night before and I hit my head and we spend 4 hours in the ER. So much for making that red velvet cake... But it didn't feel right not doing anything for Valentine's Day, but it's hard to be too sentimental when it's the day of and you have to rack your brain for something special. It's just not the same.
However, the evening ended in fireworks because we both suggested something stupid and fun, and just went with it. My suggestion was to order pizza (which we rarely do since we make our own most of the time). I know...it was Valentine's Day and all...but I just know Jeromy loves Papa Johns. So then Jeromy thought it would be fun to go to Target and purchase gifts for one another. That was that. A planned date night!
After calling in our order we drove over the bridge to pick up our order at Solomons. Since it was starting to get late, we decided to eat the pizza in the truck on the way to Target. In a strange way we felt like we were dating again because over the course of those nine single months we had spent more time in that Chevy S10 than any actual building. That piece of red metal is like family to us now.
By the time we pulled into the Target parking lot we had polished off the entire pizza! (That is, five pieces for Jeromy, three for me!) We turned the store outing into a sort-of game. We each were given a limit of $10, and couldn't let the other person see the gift until we got home. That wasn't all that easy, either! People gave us strange looks all throughout the store because we must have looked like we were about to rob the place, the way we were being all secretive. But it was so much fun!
I found Jeromy's gift almost right away. It was easy. Drum sticks. This is a long story, but I was going to give Jeromy drum or voice lessons for his birthday. I was given some names and numbers of instructors in the area, which I copied on a piece of scratch paper and stuffed down into my purse. On Christmas Day we visited some amputee soldiers at Walter Reed Hospital in D.C., and happened to run into some White House officials and others who had also come to encourage the soldiers. Also, my uncle introduced us to Bob Dole, a several times acquaintance of his. Former Senator Dole was looking very aged and thin, but was most pleasant to us. After our brief conversation I thought to give him a gospel tract, which he accepted. Well, I later found out that when I had shoved that piece of paper with all those numbers inside my purse, it had slid inside that same tract I gave to Bob Dole! I bet he'd make a rockin' drummer!
Conservatively, of course...
Jeromy picked out a card game and cartons of Play Doh for me. How romantic! We spent the rest of the evening chilling on the couch and comparing our Play Doh creations. Did you know they make confetti Doh now? It's white with colorful sprinkles!
Papa Johns Hawaiian pizza: $12
Silly gifts from Target: $20
Gasoline: $2
Funky, original, spontaneous Valentine's date with your husband, minus the overbaked red velvet cake and overpriced Hallmark card: PRICELESS
Not really, just need to type. The only time I really get to blog is at work. The official title of my position is LOCATE: Child Care Counselor. I work for a non-profit organization called the Southern Maryland Child Care Resource Center (mouthful!), an aspect of which is a referral service. I take calls from parents looking for child care, and I give them information on licensed family and center providers in the tri-county. There is also some counseling involved, such as how to screen providers and identify quality care. The process averages 30-50 minutes each. Some days it's crazy busy and I'm sick of talking by the end of the day. Other days, like today, the phone is s l o w ... On top of it, it's jeans Friday and I just want to go home and spend time with my sweetie! Although, that does give me BLOG TIME!
Life in Southern Maryland is what you make of it. St. Mary's County is a peninsula, so you can either go north, south, or....north or south. Waldorf is the closest "big city", but a friend of ours once stated most accurately by calling Waldorf "one big store." Basically, that means there's just a bunch of malls and restaurants crammed together, which makes both shopping and eating a most difficult task on the weekend. And with a 45 minute drive, we never venture there except for weekends, so it's just not fun.
However, one of the two perks of Waldorf is Bed Bath & Beyond, which is where we used up most of our wedding gift cards to purchase all our house necessities. But even that got old. How is it we all seem to need so much junk?! Those cards are long gone, though, so now we never go there. :)
The other perk of Waldorf is Thai Flavor. Jeromy and I have a running joke because he called it "Thai Taste" by accident one time, and now we like that name better. :) They make the BEST satay in the world! Ok, so I've only had it at a couple other restaurants, but that's about the validity of most statistics anyway, right? I didn't really like Asian food before I met Jeromy. But then I met Jeromy, and now Asian is my obsession!
I think I grew to love Asian because it's healthier and fresher than a lot of other restaurant choices out there. (Especially Mexican!) At least you feel it's healthier because you're eating rice and broccoli. Sometimes I'd like to hold onto my blissful ignorance. Because if you don't want me to ruin you, don't look up the nutrition information for the majority of menu items at Panera Bread. Panera Bread!!! Trust me. You might as well eat at McDonalds.
And then there's coffee. This county needs more coffee shops! There are three that I know of. One is a tiny, highly over-commercialized Starbucks with uncomfortable and dirty seating, and is always cold. Then you have Brewing Grounds, which was half my weekly employment from November to January. I loved learning how to make espresso and interacting with people in the community. It's got the best ambiance in the county as far as I'm concerned. But they they close way too early (5pm!!!), yet I can't complain because as a former employee, the hours were great!
On the other hand, the Coffee Quarter, which is where Jeromy and I met (besides on Myspace!) is also nice, but the quality of the coffee-making isn't worth the price for a decent latte. That, and the only time we can really go there is Friday night. But after a few Friday night outings at the Coffee Quarter, we've about had it with the obnoxiously LOUD teenie bopper Emo groups. We'd rather sip coffee together somewhere that doesn't require yelling in order to hear one another!
So...what's a young, Christian, newlywed, coffee-drinking couple without children to do on a Friday night?
Actually, since Jeromy and I get up so stinkin' early during the work week, we tend to feel exhausted and spent by 9pm, even on weekends. How pathetic is that? Personally, I enjoy the early morning better than the late night because the day is fresh; full of light, energy, and mercy. The day's events are a mystery, with an element of anticipation if ever I let it. Too quickly I find myself embracing the day through a lens of tasks and responsibilities that I make stressful or mundane, and that strip me of the day's initial wonder. Perhaps that's why I do love mornings so much. There's always a possibility that in all of God's prompting, He will actually get my attention; much greater a feat, and keep it. I long for that every day, but I'm usually too busy doing in order to be. Abundant life is what God offers, but sometimes I just grope for life at all. Maybe in the morning, things will be different...
Evenings are ok, if there is enough caffeine and liveliness to keep us going. However, we usually wait until in the moment before we finally ask the question, "So, what should we do tonight?" I don't recommend that because most everything spontaneous we can think of involve spending money.
Take Valentine's Day, for example. This year was actually our first Valentine's together because though we were a couple last year, I had to be in Charlotte that week. So then now we finally get to be together for the holiday, all thoughts and plans fail because we have a huge ice storm the night before and I hit my head and we spend 4 hours in the ER. So much for making that red velvet cake... But it didn't feel right not doing anything for Valentine's Day, but it's hard to be too sentimental when it's the day of and you have to rack your brain for something special. It's just not the same.
However, the evening ended in fireworks because we both suggested something stupid and fun, and just went with it. My suggestion was to order pizza (which we rarely do since we make our own most of the time). I know...it was Valentine's Day and all...but I just know Jeromy loves Papa Johns. So then Jeromy thought it would be fun to go to Target and purchase gifts for one another. That was that. A planned date night!
After calling in our order we drove over the bridge to pick up our order at Solomons. Since it was starting to get late, we decided to eat the pizza in the truck on the way to Target. In a strange way we felt like we were dating again because over the course of those nine single months we had spent more time in that Chevy S10 than any actual building. That piece of red metal is like family to us now.
By the time we pulled into the Target parking lot we had polished off the entire pizza! (That is, five pieces for Jeromy, three for me!) We turned the store outing into a sort-of game. We each were given a limit of $10, and couldn't let the other person see the gift until we got home. That wasn't all that easy, either! People gave us strange looks all throughout the store because we must have looked like we were about to rob the place, the way we were being all secretive. But it was so much fun!
I found Jeromy's gift almost right away. It was easy. Drum sticks. This is a long story, but I was going to give Jeromy drum or voice lessons for his birthday. I was given some names and numbers of instructors in the area, which I copied on a piece of scratch paper and stuffed down into my purse. On Christmas Day we visited some amputee soldiers at Walter Reed Hospital in D.C., and happened to run into some White House officials and others who had also come to encourage the soldiers. Also, my uncle introduced us to Bob Dole, a several times acquaintance of his. Former Senator Dole was looking very aged and thin, but was most pleasant to us. After our brief conversation I thought to give him a gospel tract, which he accepted. Well, I later found out that when I had shoved that piece of paper with all those numbers inside my purse, it had slid inside that same tract I gave to Bob Dole! I bet he'd make a rockin' drummer!
Conservatively, of course...
Jeromy picked out a card game and cartons of Play Doh for me. How romantic! We spent the rest of the evening chilling on the couch and comparing our Play Doh creations. Did you know they make confetti Doh now? It's white with colorful sprinkles!
Papa Johns Hawaiian pizza: $12
Silly gifts from Target: $20
Gasoline: $2
Funky, original, spontaneous Valentine's date with your husband, minus the overbaked red velvet cake and overpriced Hallmark card: PRICELESS
Monday, February 12, 2007
Don Miller and other musings
I finally finished my second Don Miller book. I zipped through Blue Like Jazz last spring. I mean I read that thing in less than a week, even amid all the busyness of traveling and planning for a wedding. I started Searching for God Knows What in July. The first couple chapters of this book went fairly quickly. Then I got married. After that whirlwind the pace through the second read slowed to a paragraph a sitting for a while, though I was as committed to reading the last page as I am to finishing the last drop of a latte. It's just not right to leave even a hint of sweet espresso goodness sitting in the bottom of the cup, destined for the trash. After all, it probably cost me 28 cents alone! It's the principle of good stewardship!
I don't know why it took me seven months to finish the book, other than a few distractions in my life such as, hmmm...a move, three job changes, addition of ministries, weekly meal planning, vacuuming, dusting, and extensive hand-holding sessions with my new husband. When does a girl have time to read?!
However, since I am not a quitter (except for two jobs, but that's a separate issue...), I began carrying Don Miller's book with me, much as I do my red leather-bound Bible, hoping this would help me take a few minutes here and there to immerse myself in the highly anti-religious, relational vs. formulaic discussion of Christian Spirituality. Yet one cannot read Miller's stuff "here and there". It's not like a novel. Perhaps this is why I kept feeling as though I were experiencing bouts of ADD every time I removed the bookmark and started to read. It was and is frustrating because I really like Don Miller's stuff!
At times I am so distracted by everything that I think I really do have ADD. It takes a lot, anymore, to slow down enough to quiet the heart while living in such a fast-paced culture. At least I find that true for me. Knowing this, I have to consciously make opportunities available, kind of force myself to sit still in order to gain some perspective. Scripture and authors like Don Miller help me keep that perspective. Reading is probably the biggest stress reliever for me, aside from writing, that is.
Whenever I read anything that makes me think, I get this sudden urge to write. (Thus, a new blog!) Writing is very therapeutic for me, and sometimes I even feel guilty for putting off the journaling of my thoughts and inner struggles. I believe God made me this way, to process life through written word. It helps me to recognize and, in turn, remember what God is doing in my life. It's as if writing is a first-person conversation with God. And I believe He gets some sort of glory from that. It is when I neglect to make time to write that I don't get that sense of self-examination. Issues become easier to push back and pretend they don't exist when they are not thoroughly processed. I feel like many of the lessons God intends me to "get" and apply become fragmented and optional, instead of essential to the well-being of my heart, essential as God Himself. That sounds heavy, but I just think Satan knows how spiritual it is for me to write, just like he knows prayer and Bible study leads to spiritual growth. Therefore, he does everything he can to keep me away from these most beneficial activities. I will even go as far as to say writing causes me to desire spending devotional time with God because, for some reason, I can't be fake when I write. Writing pulls out what's inside - both hearts, new and old; the smiles and the scars; the joy and the pain. For some reason the keyboard does not let me hide.
I would like to say I am turning over a new leaf this day, that I will from now on carve out a half hour every day to pour out raw thought in blog form. But I just finished Don Miller's book. That practice would be formula, and you and I both know that such specific discipline turns into ritual, and ritual into hum drum. I am on a journey to find out what abundant life in Christ is all about, and I know from too many experiences that I will find only the opposite if I fix my spiritual life into a box like that. Since Christianity is relational, it is also personal. God made unique individuals, did He not? So within the realm God's character as well as the essentials of the faith, we are each free to desire Him and seek Him and grow in Him in the way that actually works for us. John Piper would say that a huge aspect of our obedience to God is the joy we pursue in Him. There must be both. And wouldn't you want both? Not in a way that works for someone else, but for you? So much of my Christian life has been an attempt to emulate the spiritual lives of others. So much of it has been trite and dry. Abundant life, eh? Well I know it is available because of all the ways it is sprinkled in the words of Jesus throughout the New Testament. (See Ephesians 3:20, John 10:10, and I Corinthians 2:9.) But how do I experience it? How do spiritual activities keep their luster and shine when life feels dull and I feel drained?
I think the gist is summed up in John 17:3, which gives us the object or source of our abundant life, "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." My quest, then, is to know God. This quest is as unique to me as it is for you, although always stemming from Christ. Without Him we simply cannot know God. But since the way has been made, why not act upon it? He is within our grasp but so infrequently do I reach for Him. I claw the air for something to fulfill me, but He is so big and so present that I sometimes miss Him!
When I tell people I used to live five minutes from the ever famous Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota (ok, so it's the only claim to fame we've got a leg to stand on...although there is the Mary Tyler Moore house...), they ask me how often I would venture there. I tell them I lived next door the "Mega Mall" for a whole year and I probably visited the place a total of three times. Most of those times were to entertain out-of-town guests with the roller coaster contained in the mall's indoor amusement park. People can't believe I could live so close to such an attraction and hardly take advantage of it! I'm sure people who live five minutes from Disneyland could resonate with me. Or perhaps individuals who live next door to a famous person but never ask them over for coffee.
Simply, we gravitate toward things which are unfamiliar. New places, events, experiences - those usually within at least a four-hour drive of our homes! In this way, I always marvel at the concept of vacation. Why is it that we would rather spend half our vacation leave sitting in stuffy airports or stuffy cars in order to experience beauty and excitement in some other place? Why don't we just drive across town and eat at the city's favorite restaurant? Why don't we take a picnic to the local nature center? Why do we like to visit every other state capitol except ours? There is so much we can enjoy within a stone's throw that we rarely take advantage of. I lived in Minnesota most of my life, and never made it to the Boundary Waters. Even a jaunt into downtown St. Paul for a concert was "big doin's"!
As another example, my family used to take summer road trips all around the country to experience the "other". In fact, while I was growing up we took at least two trips to Washington D.C. That's a 20+ hour drive nonstop! We visited every monument, statue, and historical site within the vicinity, my mother envisioning the finished photo album every step of the way. Now I live just 90 minutes south of D.C. and have never gone site-seeing in the last year and a half I've been here! How pathetic. It's at least ten times cheaper a trip! Where did the excitement go?
The point is, we get used to things and they lose their interest. Unfortunately, it seems we have even grown used to (or perhaps distracted ourselves from) the omnipresence of the God of the universe, so much so that our desire to be with Him has greatly dimmed. Christ is no longer novel, just like the places and attractions that draw tourists to our area no longer appeal to us. Have we figured out God?! If we think of Him as old hat we don't really know Him! Or, at least, we forget how much we enjoy Him until we taste Him once again. Until we take that stroll around the neighborhood park and remember how fun it is to ride the swings!
We forget that the greatness of the experiences God allows us are so that in our enjoyment of them, we would magnify Him. Yet, too often we focus on the created, overlooking the Creator. These things are but hints of His greatness. If we would only look through the wonders of this world instead of at them, maybe then our wonder will turn to Him. Maybe then we would no longer be satisfied with what once caused us to shiver with excitement here on earth, because we would have caught a glimpse of something better. He is always there, which is different than all those other things in life we take for granted because they will pass away. God remains.
If we would only take time to pursue God like we pursue ski trips and exotic cruises, would we find that same psyched up feeling swell our hearts? I would say so. I think we start to pursue God, and then before we can blink we are back to pursuing ourselves. Our hearts deceive ourselves into thinking we are still pursuing God, but because the journey has left us bored, it has to mean God is no longer in the equation. If we would stay on the God-quest, I believe we would discover new things about Him we never knew existed. Our understanding of God's character would become clearer than ever before and then, in turn, our love and desire for Him would grow to new heights. I would venture to guess that God would seem new to us every day! After all, God created novel.
I think if I get to that point in my Christian journey, I will have begun to understand abundant life. In fact, I'll bet the experience most likely precedes the revelation! The pursuit of God probably is the abundant life, just like writing for me is both a spiritual process and a great interest. At any rate, we'll see where this takes me.
Thanks, Don Miller, for getting me to write again. I wonder what I will read next...
btw...Happy 6-month, Jeromy!
I don't know why it took me seven months to finish the book, other than a few distractions in my life such as, hmmm...a move, three job changes, addition of ministries, weekly meal planning, vacuuming, dusting, and extensive hand-holding sessions with my new husband. When does a girl have time to read?!
However, since I am not a quitter (except for two jobs, but that's a separate issue...), I began carrying Don Miller's book with me, much as I do my red leather-bound Bible, hoping this would help me take a few minutes here and there to immerse myself in the highly anti-religious, relational vs. formulaic discussion of Christian Spirituality. Yet one cannot read Miller's stuff "here and there". It's not like a novel. Perhaps this is why I kept feeling as though I were experiencing bouts of ADD every time I removed the bookmark and started to read. It was and is frustrating because I really like Don Miller's stuff!
At times I am so distracted by everything that I think I really do have ADD. It takes a lot, anymore, to slow down enough to quiet the heart while living in such a fast-paced culture. At least I find that true for me. Knowing this, I have to consciously make opportunities available, kind of force myself to sit still in order to gain some perspective. Scripture and authors like Don Miller help me keep that perspective. Reading is probably the biggest stress reliever for me, aside from writing, that is.
Whenever I read anything that makes me think, I get this sudden urge to write. (Thus, a new blog!) Writing is very therapeutic for me, and sometimes I even feel guilty for putting off the journaling of my thoughts and inner struggles. I believe God made me this way, to process life through written word. It helps me to recognize and, in turn, remember what God is doing in my life. It's as if writing is a first-person conversation with God. And I believe He gets some sort of glory from that. It is when I neglect to make time to write that I don't get that sense of self-examination. Issues become easier to push back and pretend they don't exist when they are not thoroughly processed. I feel like many of the lessons God intends me to "get" and apply become fragmented and optional, instead of essential to the well-being of my heart, essential as God Himself. That sounds heavy, but I just think Satan knows how spiritual it is for me to write, just like he knows prayer and Bible study leads to spiritual growth. Therefore, he does everything he can to keep me away from these most beneficial activities. I will even go as far as to say writing causes me to desire spending devotional time with God because, for some reason, I can't be fake when I write. Writing pulls out what's inside - both hearts, new and old; the smiles and the scars; the joy and the pain. For some reason the keyboard does not let me hide.
I would like to say I am turning over a new leaf this day, that I will from now on carve out a half hour every day to pour out raw thought in blog form. But I just finished Don Miller's book. That practice would be formula, and you and I both know that such specific discipline turns into ritual, and ritual into hum drum. I am on a journey to find out what abundant life in Christ is all about, and I know from too many experiences that I will find only the opposite if I fix my spiritual life into a box like that. Since Christianity is relational, it is also personal. God made unique individuals, did He not? So within the realm God's character as well as the essentials of the faith, we are each free to desire Him and seek Him and grow in Him in the way that actually works for us. John Piper would say that a huge aspect of our obedience to God is the joy we pursue in Him. There must be both. And wouldn't you want both? Not in a way that works for someone else, but for you? So much of my Christian life has been an attempt to emulate the spiritual lives of others. So much of it has been trite and dry. Abundant life, eh? Well I know it is available because of all the ways it is sprinkled in the words of Jesus throughout the New Testament. (See Ephesians 3:20, John 10:10, and I Corinthians 2:9.) But how do I experience it? How do spiritual activities keep their luster and shine when life feels dull and I feel drained?
I think the gist is summed up in John 17:3, which gives us the object or source of our abundant life, "And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." My quest, then, is to know God. This quest is as unique to me as it is for you, although always stemming from Christ. Without Him we simply cannot know God. But since the way has been made, why not act upon it? He is within our grasp but so infrequently do I reach for Him. I claw the air for something to fulfill me, but He is so big and so present that I sometimes miss Him!
When I tell people I used to live five minutes from the ever famous Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota (ok, so it's the only claim to fame we've got a leg to stand on...although there is the Mary Tyler Moore house...), they ask me how often I would venture there. I tell them I lived next door the "Mega Mall" for a whole year and I probably visited the place a total of three times. Most of those times were to entertain out-of-town guests with the roller coaster contained in the mall's indoor amusement park. People can't believe I could live so close to such an attraction and hardly take advantage of it! I'm sure people who live five minutes from Disneyland could resonate with me. Or perhaps individuals who live next door to a famous person but never ask them over for coffee.
Simply, we gravitate toward things which are unfamiliar. New places, events, experiences - those usually within at least a four-hour drive of our homes! In this way, I always marvel at the concept of vacation. Why is it that we would rather spend half our vacation leave sitting in stuffy airports or stuffy cars in order to experience beauty and excitement in some other place? Why don't we just drive across town and eat at the city's favorite restaurant? Why don't we take a picnic to the local nature center? Why do we like to visit every other state capitol except ours? There is so much we can enjoy within a stone's throw that we rarely take advantage of. I lived in Minnesota most of my life, and never made it to the Boundary Waters. Even a jaunt into downtown St. Paul for a concert was "big doin's"!
As another example, my family used to take summer road trips all around the country to experience the "other". In fact, while I was growing up we took at least two trips to Washington D.C. That's a 20+ hour drive nonstop! We visited every monument, statue, and historical site within the vicinity, my mother envisioning the finished photo album every step of the way. Now I live just 90 minutes south of D.C. and have never gone site-seeing in the last year and a half I've been here! How pathetic. It's at least ten times cheaper a trip! Where did the excitement go?
The point is, we get used to things and they lose their interest. Unfortunately, it seems we have even grown used to (or perhaps distracted ourselves from) the omnipresence of the God of the universe, so much so that our desire to be with Him has greatly dimmed. Christ is no longer novel, just like the places and attractions that draw tourists to our area no longer appeal to us. Have we figured out God?! If we think of Him as old hat we don't really know Him! Or, at least, we forget how much we enjoy Him until we taste Him once again. Until we take that stroll around the neighborhood park and remember how fun it is to ride the swings!
We forget that the greatness of the experiences God allows us are so that in our enjoyment of them, we would magnify Him. Yet, too often we focus on the created, overlooking the Creator. These things are but hints of His greatness. If we would only look through the wonders of this world instead of at them, maybe then our wonder will turn to Him. Maybe then we would no longer be satisfied with what once caused us to shiver with excitement here on earth, because we would have caught a glimpse of something better. He is always there, which is different than all those other things in life we take for granted because they will pass away. God remains.
If we would only take time to pursue God like we pursue ski trips and exotic cruises, would we find that same psyched up feeling swell our hearts? I would say so. I think we start to pursue God, and then before we can blink we are back to pursuing ourselves. Our hearts deceive ourselves into thinking we are still pursuing God, but because the journey has left us bored, it has to mean God is no longer in the equation. If we would stay on the God-quest, I believe we would discover new things about Him we never knew existed. Our understanding of God's character would become clearer than ever before and then, in turn, our love and desire for Him would grow to new heights. I would venture to guess that God would seem new to us every day! After all, God created novel.
I think if I get to that point in my Christian journey, I will have begun to understand abundant life. In fact, I'll bet the experience most likely precedes the revelation! The pursuit of God probably is the abundant life, just like writing for me is both a spiritual process and a great interest. At any rate, we'll see where this takes me.
Thanks, Don Miller, for getting me to write again. I wonder what I will read next...
btw...Happy 6-month, Jeromy!
Friday, October 27, 2006
Our Wedding Vows
I thought it might be fun and meaningful to post the vows Jeromy and I wrote for each other on our wedding day (8/12/06). We want to get them printed up and framed someday....perhaps on our anniversary! We take these promises seriously. They are for life.
*****
Jeromy's vows to me:
Tara, God has been preparing us for His service from the beginning of time. It is both His gift and my joy to become your husband. I could not have prepared myself for the love God has poured out on me through you.
As your husband, I vow to submit to Christ, for doing His will is our source of life and joy. I commit my life to faithful leadership. As Christ did, I will pour myself out for you. My love, acceptance and encouraging companionship will cultivate your fellowship with God.
I will be your source of strength, unfailing love, and protection. I honor you as my beloved helper. With patience and transparency I will communicate with you. We will celebrate the peaks of life and overcome the struggles, together, as one.
As I am captivated by your love, I will find satisfaction in you alone. Forsaking all others, I will cleave to you alone. I will nourish and cherish you all the days of my life.
Tara, it is before my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and our friends and family that I commit these vows to you. May I bring you good, and not evil, all the days of my life.
*****
My vows to Jeromy:
Jeromy, it is by God's grace and love that I become your wife today, and it is my highest earthly delight! As the Spirit enables me, I will both internalize and live out the vows I commit to you this hour.
Jeromy, you are God's man and His best for me, and so I have chosen and will continually choose to love you. For the rest of my life I will stand by you. I will support, respect, and honor your person and position, submitting myself to your leadership as the head of our family.
I will be for you a source of joy, companionship, and refreshment as I work alongside you to make our life together and our home a Christ-centered haven. I will ever be a safe place where you will find grace, forgiveness, and unconditional acceptance. Preferring you above all others, I will display to you kindness, affection, admiration, and faithfulness. I will work toward a growing communion with God alongside a deepening communication with you, so that at all cost we will remain of like mind and spirit. I will offer my heart openly and honestly to you in all aspects of life and actively seek to meet your needs. It is by God's strength will I bring you good, not evil, all the days of my life, that I might magnify God's glory as your wife.
Jeromy, it is before my Lord and Savior, and before our friends and family that I commit these vows to you.
*****
Jeromy's vows to me:
Tara, God has been preparing us for His service from the beginning of time. It is both His gift and my joy to become your husband. I could not have prepared myself for the love God has poured out on me through you.
As your husband, I vow to submit to Christ, for doing His will is our source of life and joy. I commit my life to faithful leadership. As Christ did, I will pour myself out for you. My love, acceptance and encouraging companionship will cultivate your fellowship with God.
I will be your source of strength, unfailing love, and protection. I honor you as my beloved helper. With patience and transparency I will communicate with you. We will celebrate the peaks of life and overcome the struggles, together, as one.
As I am captivated by your love, I will find satisfaction in you alone. Forsaking all others, I will cleave to you alone. I will nourish and cherish you all the days of my life.
Tara, it is before my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and our friends and family that I commit these vows to you. May I bring you good, and not evil, all the days of my life.
*****
My vows to Jeromy:
Jeromy, it is by God's grace and love that I become your wife today, and it is my highest earthly delight! As the Spirit enables me, I will both internalize and live out the vows I commit to you this hour.
Jeromy, you are God's man and His best for me, and so I have chosen and will continually choose to love you. For the rest of my life I will stand by you. I will support, respect, and honor your person and position, submitting myself to your leadership as the head of our family.
I will be for you a source of joy, companionship, and refreshment as I work alongside you to make our life together and our home a Christ-centered haven. I will ever be a safe place where you will find grace, forgiveness, and unconditional acceptance. Preferring you above all others, I will display to you kindness, affection, admiration, and faithfulness. I will work toward a growing communion with God alongside a deepening communication with you, so that at all cost we will remain of like mind and spirit. I will offer my heart openly and honestly to you in all aspects of life and actively seek to meet your needs. It is by God's strength will I bring you good, not evil, all the days of my life, that I might magnify God's glory as your wife.
Jeromy, it is before my Lord and Savior, and before our friends and family that I commit these vows to you.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Jeromy
A tribute to my husband.
*****
Well I just had to say that I am amazed by the man God has given to me. I never fathomed this kind of love, but I continue to discover new avenues of his love for me every day. It turns me to Christ ALWAYS, and I am constantly challenged to love God authentically, to choose to walk in obedience of His Word, and to keep looking outside myself to meet the needs of others before my own.
Jeromy provides a comfort that allows me to share my struggles and speak my heart, without being judged or criticized. He lets me talk through things, even if my words start out selfish or prideful, or fearful. A lot of times I can say the right things, do the right things, think the right things, but when it gets real...when it's time to apply what I know, down to my desires and motives, it's hard. It's not easy to trust God most of the time. Jeromy is encouraging me, usually when he doesn't even know it, to lay it ALL down. To not look back at the "I wish I had..."s and "Woe is me..."s and "I need to be in control of..."s. Life is FILLED with opportunities to trust God.
I had no idea I fell so short in these moments, as I know now. Marriage has exposed my weaknesses, and shown me where my heart is in a lot of different ways. It's not fun to see this stuff. I don't want to be responsible for a lot of prayers I pray for my sanctification. But it's so good. Jeromy's example and his love has led me to break through my hardened heart to let God do some spiritual surgery where it hurts. Where I would otherwise dwell in comfort and safety. Where my actions and words don't match up with my attitudes. Where I let frustration and disappointment get the better of me. Where I need to give Him greater access to roam freely throughout my heart and life. Having Jeromy at my side has been instrumental in my Christian walk. And this was God's idea!
I am SO blessed because this man accepts me! He calls me beautiful when I think and feel otherwise. He can tell when my heart is not right and he doesn't leave me there. He holds me close when I don't know why I'm crying. He has no expectations of me, nor makes demands. His devotion to me alone is found in both his words and actions. If there is any perceived "distance" between us, he gets right to the core, yet loves me through the process. He is always positive. Always encouraging. Never satisfied with a mediocre Christian life. Asks the hard questions and wrestles with them along with me. Truly wants to please God and probes Scripture to find out what that means. Seeks to enjoy the little things in life, while not becoming so stingy as to giving up quality. Jeromy is understanding, and when he doesn't understand, he doesn't give up until he does. He lets me love him and support him in ways my heart longs to give, and he appreciates everything. Jeromy can get me to smile quicker than anyone I know, ever an unsaid reminder of the bigger perspective, by which I already own abundant joy and peace. Jeromy's presence in my life provides a glimpse into how good it can be to live a life sold-out, head-over-heels in love with Jesus. If my husband--limited, made of flesh, and tainted by sin--can bring positive change in my life, imagine how much greater sanctification can take place when I begin to view God for more of who He really is! If only His unconditional love and grace and affection can motivate me in as similar a way as does that of Jeromy.
At this point, I really don't think there is much of a difference between the two, except that whatever God pours on us is perfection. Jeromy gives me amazing love...but God's love is perfect. Jeromy offers me kindness and mercy...God floods our every step with His. And what can be compared to God's comforting embrace, His peace that passes man's capacity to understand? Often I can't describe in words how good it feels to be wrapped up in Jeromy's arms. How much greater is the affection of our Creator God?! We have so few combinations of letters that adequately tell of such intensity. I think it's supposed to be that way. I think God is glorified in that, in our wonder of Him.
And to think--wow!--I am only beginning this journey with my wonderful gift from God. Jeromy and I often remind ourselves that we are never promised tomorrow on this earth, but that we do have today. We have each other for these fleeting moments, and I want to make them last. I hope the fact of my mortality affects everything from how I spend my time, to how much rule I give my emotions, to which life's tasks are worth being concerned about. I want to live this life for what really matters. I want to learn how to give more and just do it. I want to look less at myself in the mirror. I want to love deeply and love well. I want to expect God's faithfulness by letting go of control, letting go of stuff, letting go of man's doctrines and morals, philosophies, and standards. I want to quit comparing myself to others and instead keen in on the personality and gifts God as given me. I want to cry for all the right reasons and refrain from laughing at all the wrong things, although I want to laugh MORE. I want to keep the little irritants little and enlarge the little joys I typically overlook. I want to give God more credit for His work in my heart and in this world, including the credit I too often steal from Him in my arrogance. After all, if I am going to call him "Lord" in my prayers and songs, then He better BE Lord!
I am still on my hands and knees, slowly inching to the places I need to reach, but I am only discouraged when I think about how much farther is the distance. Instead, I want to celebrate the little milestones in my spiritual journey, similar to how Jeormy and I celebrate our first date, first kiss, engagement, and wedding! I am finding more and more parallels between our human relationships and our relationship with the Divine, realizing there is no coincidence. Everything good on this earth points to the heavenly equivalent. We can enjoy these things in our lives, though they are all broken, but they are simultaneously preparing us and causing us to yearn for the whole, the perfect.
I am forever grateful for the brief moments God has bound Jeromy and I together. We both look forward to the day when our union with Christ will bind us with Him for eternity.
Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's ok to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been with God
And that's the way it ought to be
You had faith when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be
Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
Cause you have spoken the truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know
You have carried me
You have taken on a burden
That wasn't your own
May the blessing return to you
A hunderedfold
Oh yeah, a hundredfold
- Watermark
*****
Well I just had to say that I am amazed by the man God has given to me. I never fathomed this kind of love, but I continue to discover new avenues of his love for me every day. It turns me to Christ ALWAYS, and I am constantly challenged to love God authentically, to choose to walk in obedience of His Word, and to keep looking outside myself to meet the needs of others before my own.
Jeromy provides a comfort that allows me to share my struggles and speak my heart, without being judged or criticized. He lets me talk through things, even if my words start out selfish or prideful, or fearful. A lot of times I can say the right things, do the right things, think the right things, but when it gets real...when it's time to apply what I know, down to my desires and motives, it's hard. It's not easy to trust God most of the time. Jeromy is encouraging me, usually when he doesn't even know it, to lay it ALL down. To not look back at the "I wish I had..."s and "Woe is me..."s and "I need to be in control of..."s. Life is FILLED with opportunities to trust God.
I had no idea I fell so short in these moments, as I know now. Marriage has exposed my weaknesses, and shown me where my heart is in a lot of different ways. It's not fun to see this stuff. I don't want to be responsible for a lot of prayers I pray for my sanctification. But it's so good. Jeromy's example and his love has led me to break through my hardened heart to let God do some spiritual surgery where it hurts. Where I would otherwise dwell in comfort and safety. Where my actions and words don't match up with my attitudes. Where I let frustration and disappointment get the better of me. Where I need to give Him greater access to roam freely throughout my heart and life. Having Jeromy at my side has been instrumental in my Christian walk. And this was God's idea!
I am SO blessed because this man accepts me! He calls me beautiful when I think and feel otherwise. He can tell when my heart is not right and he doesn't leave me there. He holds me close when I don't know why I'm crying. He has no expectations of me, nor makes demands. His devotion to me alone is found in both his words and actions. If there is any perceived "distance" between us, he gets right to the core, yet loves me through the process. He is always positive. Always encouraging. Never satisfied with a mediocre Christian life. Asks the hard questions and wrestles with them along with me. Truly wants to please God and probes Scripture to find out what that means. Seeks to enjoy the little things in life, while not becoming so stingy as to giving up quality. Jeromy is understanding, and when he doesn't understand, he doesn't give up until he does. He lets me love him and support him in ways my heart longs to give, and he appreciates everything. Jeromy can get me to smile quicker than anyone I know, ever an unsaid reminder of the bigger perspective, by which I already own abundant joy and peace. Jeromy's presence in my life provides a glimpse into how good it can be to live a life sold-out, head-over-heels in love with Jesus. If my husband--limited, made of flesh, and tainted by sin--can bring positive change in my life, imagine how much greater sanctification can take place when I begin to view God for more of who He really is! If only His unconditional love and grace and affection can motivate me in as similar a way as does that of Jeromy.
At this point, I really don't think there is much of a difference between the two, except that whatever God pours on us is perfection. Jeromy gives me amazing love...but God's love is perfect. Jeromy offers me kindness and mercy...God floods our every step with His. And what can be compared to God's comforting embrace, His peace that passes man's capacity to understand? Often I can't describe in words how good it feels to be wrapped up in Jeromy's arms. How much greater is the affection of our Creator God?! We have so few combinations of letters that adequately tell of such intensity. I think it's supposed to be that way. I think God is glorified in that, in our wonder of Him.
And to think--wow!--I am only beginning this journey with my wonderful gift from God. Jeromy and I often remind ourselves that we are never promised tomorrow on this earth, but that we do have today. We have each other for these fleeting moments, and I want to make them last. I hope the fact of my mortality affects everything from how I spend my time, to how much rule I give my emotions, to which life's tasks are worth being concerned about. I want to live this life for what really matters. I want to learn how to give more and just do it. I want to look less at myself in the mirror. I want to love deeply and love well. I want to expect God's faithfulness by letting go of control, letting go of stuff, letting go of man's doctrines and morals, philosophies, and standards. I want to quit comparing myself to others and instead keen in on the personality and gifts God as given me. I want to cry for all the right reasons and refrain from laughing at all the wrong things, although I want to laugh MORE. I want to keep the little irritants little and enlarge the little joys I typically overlook. I want to give God more credit for His work in my heart and in this world, including the credit I too often steal from Him in my arrogance. After all, if I am going to call him "Lord" in my prayers and songs, then He better BE Lord!
I am still on my hands and knees, slowly inching to the places I need to reach, but I am only discouraged when I think about how much farther is the distance. Instead, I want to celebrate the little milestones in my spiritual journey, similar to how Jeormy and I celebrate our first date, first kiss, engagement, and wedding! I am finding more and more parallels between our human relationships and our relationship with the Divine, realizing there is no coincidence. Everything good on this earth points to the heavenly equivalent. We can enjoy these things in our lives, though they are all broken, but they are simultaneously preparing us and causing us to yearn for the whole, the perfect.
I am forever grateful for the brief moments God has bound Jeromy and I together. We both look forward to the day when our union with Christ will bind us with Him for eternity.
Something brought you to my mind today
I thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet I feel like it's ok to cry with you
Something about just being with you
When I leave I feel like I've been with God
And that's the way it ought to be
You had faith when I had none
You prayed God would bring me a brand new song
When I didn't think I could find the strength to sing
And all the while I'm hoping that I'll
Do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
And that's the way it ought to be
Cause you've been more than a friend to me
You fight off my enemies
Cause you have spoken the truth over my life
And you'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know
You have carried me
You have taken on a burden
That wasn't your own
May the blessing return to you
A hunderedfold
Oh yeah, a hundredfold
- Watermark
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Wedding Recap
Dear Friends and Family,
The air has turned autumn cool, but these two hearts are still basking in the glow of the summer heat – August 12th, to be exact. This "collision" (love story), which initially took place this week least year, continues to keep us brimming with anticipation for what this journey holds for us.
We just wanted to take an opportunity to share how we are doing, and to thank you for generously being part of our beautiful wedding and all the events surrounding this exciting new chapter.
As a senior in high school, the BQ (Big Question) is always, "Where are you planning to go for college?" Just before college graduation, the typical BQ is, "Where will you work next year?" Fortunately, since Jeromy and I experienced a whirlwind romance with a relatively short engagement, we didn't get too many of the, "So when are you guys tying the knot?" Thankfully, we haven't even experienced the classic newlywed BQ, "When are you planning on having kids?" Bless you ALL for that! We're not telling. However, the BQ we ARE getting lately, is, natch, "How's married life?"
Where to start?!
When we told one man in our church we were getting married he said, "The sooner, the better. It frees you up." So we took his advice! He's wasn't kidding. Being married has freed us up in so many ways. The best part is not having to go to separate houses at night, that was such a hassle! It's nice to have everything we need in one location. We have our apartment organized as well as we can with what we've got. We haven't really decorated yet, as it's difficult to come up with a "theme" in a 2-bedroom apartment. Plus it's expensive. But we love our little home, even if all we have are picture frames and candles. What more does an American couple really need, anyway?! Our condo is set in a quiet, woodsy neighborhood and is a perfect place for starting a life together.
Lately we've been having wonderful Sunday School and Bible study groups, very challenging and great for fellowship. We couldn't wait to spend more time getting to know other Christian couples around here, now that we're no longer hermit wedding planners! We've also gotten involved in the church's missions & evangelism ministry, and we're very excited about that. We'd like to develop some life-long friendships, and I think we're finding that at our church!
If we're going to invite any of our friends and family into our home for dinner, I (Tara) better learn how to cook! Our good friend Joe gave us a Rachel Ray cookbook that we're beginning to wear out. We both like to eat fairly healthy and are having fun trying out new recipes. We usually cook together, which has been enjoyable quality time. I don't know a whole lot of husbands who actually like to spend time in the kitchen (unless it's to raid the fridge!). I'm more of a natural baker than a natural cook, which isn't good in the fact that we both have a terrible sweet tooth, but I love making desserts for Jeromy. If you'd like to come over, though, we can now make some killer spanikopita turkey burgers, and the oriental chili we made the other day was amazing! So, if you're up for a good dose of heartburn, come visit us!
For those of you who missed the actual wedding, here is an overview of the day:
The wedding in and of itself was perfect. 70 degrees and blue skies set the tone, and everybody was smiling! The music was amazing. Dan Harney wrote us a song that was us to a "T", and the congregation joined us in singing "In Christ Alone" and "How Great Is Our God". Jeromy and I wrote our own vows. The flowers and sanctuary decorations were beautiful. There were no glitches. By God's grace, we were relatively calm and able to enjoy all of the events!
We just want you to know that the most important thing to us was not the flowers or dresses or cake, but our sacred ceremony, our vows to one another. Also, the offer to all our friends, family, and even acquaintances an invitation to rejoice and celebrate along with us. A wedding and all the events that surround it only happen once in a lifetime, and we are so blessed and grateful to have received so much love and support of this union. God has been present in our relationship from day one, and we have found Him continuing to bless us as husband and wife. Married life is wonderful.
I am still amazed at how naturally we fell into becoming husband and wife. There was no "transition" of sorts; it was as if we were always married and as if this is how it has always been - even though that was not the case! We are amazed at the growth in our sanctification even in the last two months, and that has evidenced to us that we were brought together, hugely in part, to learn to more clearly reflect Christ. We both will freely admit that we each play an instrumental spiritual role in the life of the other. There is truly a sweetness in this love that is entirely God-breathed. It is a beautiful thing to follow God's plan.
Enclosed are a few pictures we thought you might enjoy. We especially wanted those who did not get to attend the wedding to see the joy on our faces and the beauty of the day. We skittered off to Seattle the next day after staying at a Victorian B&B in Annapolis. Seattle was Jeromy's idea, and it was a good one! We spent half of our stay in the city, experiencing Pugit Sound and the Space Needle while enjoying a cup of joe at the first Starbucks. The last leg of our trip was spent at Mount Rainier! We stayed in a perfect, cozy little cabin at the base of the mountain and took hiking trips during the day! The best part of the whole week was that we didn't get a drop of rain! In fact, we got a bit sunburned! God gave us amazing weather while we were out West. We would HIGHLY recommend adding Washington State to your list of places to visit. To view our wedding and honeymoon photos, click here:
Wedding & Honeymoon (technical difficulties, sorry. Our pictures disappeared!)
Again, we thank you so much for embracing this marriage, for your prayers and tokens of love. They are all eternal investments.
Blessings,
Jeromy and Tara
The air has turned autumn cool, but these two hearts are still basking in the glow of the summer heat – August 12th, to be exact. This "collision" (love story), which initially took place this week least year, continues to keep us brimming with anticipation for what this journey holds for us.
We just wanted to take an opportunity to share how we are doing, and to thank you for generously being part of our beautiful wedding and all the events surrounding this exciting new chapter.
As a senior in high school, the BQ (Big Question) is always, "Where are you planning to go for college?" Just before college graduation, the typical BQ is, "Where will you work next year?" Fortunately, since Jeromy and I experienced a whirlwind romance with a relatively short engagement, we didn't get too many of the, "So when are you guys tying the knot?" Thankfully, we haven't even experienced the classic newlywed BQ, "When are you planning on having kids?" Bless you ALL for that! We're not telling. However, the BQ we ARE getting lately, is, natch, "How's married life?"
Where to start?!
When we told one man in our church we were getting married he said, "The sooner, the better. It frees you up." So we took his advice! He's wasn't kidding. Being married has freed us up in so many ways. The best part is not having to go to separate houses at night, that was such a hassle! It's nice to have everything we need in one location. We have our apartment organized as well as we can with what we've got. We haven't really decorated yet, as it's difficult to come up with a "theme" in a 2-bedroom apartment. Plus it's expensive. But we love our little home, even if all we have are picture frames and candles. What more does an American couple really need, anyway?! Our condo is set in a quiet, woodsy neighborhood and is a perfect place for starting a life together.
Lately we've been having wonderful Sunday School and Bible study groups, very challenging and great for fellowship. We couldn't wait to spend more time getting to know other Christian couples around here, now that we're no longer hermit wedding planners! We've also gotten involved in the church's missions & evangelism ministry, and we're very excited about that. We'd like to develop some life-long friendships, and I think we're finding that at our church!
If we're going to invite any of our friends and family into our home for dinner, I (Tara) better learn how to cook! Our good friend Joe gave us a Rachel Ray cookbook that we're beginning to wear out. We both like to eat fairly healthy and are having fun trying out new recipes. We usually cook together, which has been enjoyable quality time. I don't know a whole lot of husbands who actually like to spend time in the kitchen (unless it's to raid the fridge!). I'm more of a natural baker than a natural cook, which isn't good in the fact that we both have a terrible sweet tooth, but I love making desserts for Jeromy. If you'd like to come over, though, we can now make some killer spanikopita turkey burgers, and the oriental chili we made the other day was amazing! So, if you're up for a good dose of heartburn, come visit us!
For those of you who missed the actual wedding, here is an overview of the day:
The wedding in and of itself was perfect. 70 degrees and blue skies set the tone, and everybody was smiling! The music was amazing. Dan Harney wrote us a song that was us to a "T", and the congregation joined us in singing "In Christ Alone" and "How Great Is Our God". Jeromy and I wrote our own vows. The flowers and sanctuary decorations were beautiful. There were no glitches. By God's grace, we were relatively calm and able to enjoy all of the events!
We just want you to know that the most important thing to us was not the flowers or dresses or cake, but our sacred ceremony, our vows to one another. Also, the offer to all our friends, family, and even acquaintances an invitation to rejoice and celebrate along with us. A wedding and all the events that surround it only happen once in a lifetime, and we are so blessed and grateful to have received so much love and support of this union. God has been present in our relationship from day one, and we have found Him continuing to bless us as husband and wife. Married life is wonderful.
I am still amazed at how naturally we fell into becoming husband and wife. There was no "transition" of sorts; it was as if we were always married and as if this is how it has always been - even though that was not the case! We are amazed at the growth in our sanctification even in the last two months, and that has evidenced to us that we were brought together, hugely in part, to learn to more clearly reflect Christ. We both will freely admit that we each play an instrumental spiritual role in the life of the other. There is truly a sweetness in this love that is entirely God-breathed. It is a beautiful thing to follow God's plan.
Enclosed are a few pictures we thought you might enjoy. We especially wanted those who did not get to attend the wedding to see the joy on our faces and the beauty of the day. We skittered off to Seattle the next day after staying at a Victorian B&B in Annapolis. Seattle was Jeromy's idea, and it was a good one! We spent half of our stay in the city, experiencing Pugit Sound and the Space Needle while enjoying a cup of joe at the first Starbucks. The last leg of our trip was spent at Mount Rainier! We stayed in a perfect, cozy little cabin at the base of the mountain and took hiking trips during the day! The best part of the whole week was that we didn't get a drop of rain! In fact, we got a bit sunburned! God gave us amazing weather while we were out West. We would HIGHLY recommend adding Washington State to your list of places to visit. To view our wedding and honeymoon photos, click here:
Wedding & Honeymoon (technical difficulties, sorry. Our pictures disappeared!)
Again, we thank you so much for embracing this marriage, for your prayers and tokens of love. They are all eternal investments.
Blessings,
Jeromy and Tara
Saturday, April 8, 2006
Engaged!
I can't stand surprises if I get but a whiff of what's to come. That makes me desperate to know all the details, and I'm rather annoying when it comes to trying to find out. My engagement was no different. From the moment we first started talking about marriage, I turned into the impatient imp! In spite of myself, everything unfolded beautifully.
*****
Jeromy and I actually began talking about getting married back in January! (And since November, joking about running off to elope--in fact, we still do!) Very early on we knew this love was real, that God had His hand in this relationship and that there are plans He has for us together. Since we hadn't known each other very long we thought this connection we encountered was absolutely CRAZY! And it really IS!
We started talking about rings in February, and Jeromy started shopping around while I spent some more time in Charlotte. The week of Valentine's Day he called up my parents' house (well, after staring at his phone for 20 minutes!), and he asked my dad to unshackle his daughter--I mean, to marry his daughter! ;) Jeromy picked out a beautiful oval solitaire online, and he allowed me to choose the trellis setting. Knowing we were planning on getting married in the Fall (funny how SOME plans change...) and that we had long since been committed, waiting on the official proposal was TORTURE! I wanted to tell the world about my man, but I had to learn some patience.
Fortunately, Jeromy didn't make me wait too long. (He says I was "chomping at the bit"--how romantic!) While on vacation with the Cecil's in Vermont (beginning of March) he set up the details with the lighthouse caretakers, and planned to ask me shortly after my return a week later.
That weekend we had friends visit, and they had to leave earlier that morning. During the drive back from church Jeromy thought to call the guys to see where they were at on their trip home. Before hanging up one of his friends, unaware that he was on SPEAKER PHONE, said, "Oh, and pre-congratulations about tonight." Jeromy's ears turned bright red and I stared straight ahead. I didn't hear that, I really didn't hear that! "You're an idiot, I'm on speaker phone." Not another word was said about it! I thought it was ruined! I thought he for sure would decide not to propose that night.
We ate an entire pint of potato salad while sitting on the dock at Piney Point that evening. I still wasn't sure what was up Jeromy's sleeve, as it was pretty leisure. I was wearing capris, and my legs were getting cold, so I asked Jeromy if I could borrow his fleece jacket to cover them. I had no idea, but the ring was in the jacket pocket, and could have easily fallen into the water! But how was I to know? The sun was setting, so we walked over to the lighthouse. I had never seen it with the light on, and that was special in and of itself.
All of a sudden Jeromy began inspecting every square inch of the lighthouse. He was looking for a key, an open padlock, anything that would let us inside like he had been promised. I didn't know any of this. To me he looked like a crazy man running around the thing! He then ran over to the house a few yards away, jumped up the steps to see if the key was taped to the door. I was like, "What are you doing?! We're going to get in trouble for trespassing!" A dog started barking in one of the windows, yet he kept running around the property as if he owned it!
Finally he gave up his search, led me closer to the water's edge, and said, "Well....I brought you here for a reason." My eyes grew as big as saucers, I could feel it. Jer got down on one knee and, "I'm asking...will you be my wife?" (or something along those lines--no girl is thinking straight at a moment like that!) I do remember, however, responding with a hearty, "Of course!"Not everything went as planned, but everything was absolutely perfect!
*****
Jeromy and I actually began talking about getting married back in January! (And since November, joking about running off to elope--in fact, we still do!) Very early on we knew this love was real, that God had His hand in this relationship and that there are plans He has for us together. Since we hadn't known each other very long we thought this connection we encountered was absolutely CRAZY! And it really IS!
We started talking about rings in February, and Jeromy started shopping around while I spent some more time in Charlotte. The week of Valentine's Day he called up my parents' house (well, after staring at his phone for 20 minutes!), and he asked my dad to unshackle his daughter--I mean, to marry his daughter! ;) Jeromy picked out a beautiful oval solitaire online, and he allowed me to choose the trellis setting. Knowing we were planning on getting married in the Fall (funny how SOME plans change...) and that we had long since been committed, waiting on the official proposal was TORTURE! I wanted to tell the world about my man, but I had to learn some patience.
Fortunately, Jeromy didn't make me wait too long. (He says I was "chomping at the bit"--how romantic!) While on vacation with the Cecil's in Vermont (beginning of March) he set up the details with the lighthouse caretakers, and planned to ask me shortly after my return a week later.
That weekend we had friends visit, and they had to leave earlier that morning. During the drive back from church Jeromy thought to call the guys to see where they were at on their trip home. Before hanging up one of his friends, unaware that he was on SPEAKER PHONE, said, "Oh, and pre-congratulations about tonight." Jeromy's ears turned bright red and I stared straight ahead. I didn't hear that, I really didn't hear that! "You're an idiot, I'm on speaker phone." Not another word was said about it! I thought it was ruined! I thought he for sure would decide not to propose that night.
We ate an entire pint of potato salad while sitting on the dock at Piney Point that evening. I still wasn't sure what was up Jeromy's sleeve, as it was pretty leisure. I was wearing capris, and my legs were getting cold, so I asked Jeromy if I could borrow his fleece jacket to cover them. I had no idea, but the ring was in the jacket pocket, and could have easily fallen into the water! But how was I to know? The sun was setting, so we walked over to the lighthouse. I had never seen it with the light on, and that was special in and of itself.
All of a sudden Jeromy began inspecting every square inch of the lighthouse. He was looking for a key, an open padlock, anything that would let us inside like he had been promised. I didn't know any of this. To me he looked like a crazy man running around the thing! He then ran over to the house a few yards away, jumped up the steps to see if the key was taped to the door. I was like, "What are you doing?! We're going to get in trouble for trespassing!" A dog started barking in one of the windows, yet he kept running around the property as if he owned it!
Finally he gave up his search, led me closer to the water's edge, and said, "Well....I brought you here for a reason." My eyes grew as big as saucers, I could feel it. Jer got down on one knee and, "I'm asking...will you be my wife?" (or something along those lines--no girl is thinking straight at a moment like that!) I do remember, however, responding with a hearty, "Of course!"Not everything went as planned, but everything was absolutely perfect!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
The Meeting
These are the major events surrounding the time Jeromy and I met and fell in love. The official "collision", which we like to call it. 'Meant to be' is an understatement! Here - take this tissue.
*****
Back at the end of September (2005) I was in the process of looking for a church to attend during my stay in Maryland as a nanny. Don't ask me how but while playing around on Myspace (which we both never even use anymore!) I noticed Jeromy's page and that he was from Lexington Park, MD (just a couple miles down the road). His page was highly Christian, mentioning some of the books he likes to read and all that (which included specific books of the Bible and other Christian authors). I had just recently visited Lexington Park Baptist Church, and shot him a short email to ask if he was familiar with it, or if he knew of any other good churches in the area. Turns out he used to attend that church, and it was crazy because I later found out that he used to attend Bible study with some Christian girls I met at St. Mary's College (the ones who invited me to the campus ministry bonfire!). In fact, they even invited me to that same Bible study, and I never went. That means, had I accepted the invitation and attended the Bible study, I would have met Jeromy earlier than I did! Crazy... But who cares--we met anyhow!
After that we emailed back and forth for a couple weeks, talking about John Piper and Calvinism (4.5 vs. 5-point and all that), just a friendly conversation about a bunch of theological stuff. He asked me if I knew Piper since I'm from Minnesota, and I told him yes, and that I even visited Piper's church just before coming out here to Maryland! I even forwarded the notes on his sermon because I thought Jeromy might be interested. And then, since I was reading Captivating by John Eldredge, and I found out he was into Wild at Heart by the same author, we started talking about some of those issues.
The next week when I was in Charlotte, NC with the Cecils, Jeromy sent me a message that simply said, "When are you coming back to Southern Maryland so we can actually meet???" I was kind of taken aback, but laughed it off a little bit. My mind was kind of distracted elsewhere at the moment. Meeting Jeromy was the most random thing that had happened to me so far while in Maryland. It turns out, however, that my distraction was a good thing, or I might have been tempted to go after Jeromy, to pursue him instead of allowing God to lead him to pursue me. It was all perfect timing, the way it worked out.
I really wasn't seeking anything with Jeromy. In fact, I just about turned him down when he asked if I'd like to meet up with him and some of his friends at the Coffee Quarter one Friday night (October 21st). I just didn't want to go. And I don't know why. But at the last minute I decided, why not? I ought to make some friends so I don't end up a hermit all year! And actually, that night we didn't get to talk very much at the coffee shop because there was this jazz group from the College of Southern Maryland performing, and they were pretty loud. But afterward we went outside and with one of his friends and spent some time talking. Just nice and light. Yet even then I caught the vibe that Jeromy and I were on the same page spiritually. He walked me to my car, and it started to rain. And we just stood there and talked some more--in the rain!!
I didn't email Jeromy after that. I didn't even hear from him until the following Friday (October 28th), when he called me at about 6 pm, asking if I'd like to go to Panera Bread and then catch some ice cream at Cold Stone. I had just come in from a run, and I had almost passed out on the couch when he called. He gave me all of 15 minutes to freshen up (thanks, Jer!), and he was at the door! Talk about short notice! But it was fine, and we ended up talking nonstop again. I almost didn't even want to take a bite of food because then we'd have to pause the conversation--it was unbelievable!
I believe the next time we got together was Sunday afternoon, two days after Panera Bread (October 30th). By this time I knew something was UP with this guy. Again, he called me last minute, about an hour after church, and he drove us around to all these fun little nooks in St. Mary's County. Little known parks and beaches, lighthouses, docks...they all had beautiful views! Our last stop was Piney Point Lighthouse. Piney Point would soon become "our spot".
By that time it had grown dark, and the sky was bright. A million stars. We walked to the end of the dock and just stood there for probably an hour and a half, just marveling in wonder at the things of God. We never talked about this friendship we had formed, or whether we wanted to be more than friends. It was ALL about God. That night was magic, and we both knew it. God was doing something here, but we didn't have a clue where that would lead. All of that was yet unsaid.
I think we ate out one more time before the missions banquet with the Potomac Baptist Association. It was weird. He called me Monday night (October 31st), just after I hung up with the Association office to make a reservation so I could attend the banquet. There was no way I was going to invite Jeromy. I don't ask guys out, period. But when he called I said that I just finished making reservations for the banquet, he immediately responded with, "Oh yeah, that sounds cool!" He said it as if I made a reservation for TWO--me AND him! I didn't know what to say! It was awkward, but at the same time it wasn't! So I just played along, "You mean you would like to go?" There went God again...appointing things out of my control! I almost laughed out loud!
So yes, Jeromy went to the banquet with me the following Thursday (November 4th). And I paid! (*gasp*) The speaker at the missions banquet was Carrie McDonnall, lone survivor of an Iraqi insurgent attack back in March of '04. She, her husband, and two other individuals were missionaries over in Iraq, and they all perished except for Carrie, despite the fact she was wounded over 22 times. 22 TIMES!!! Most people are dead with ONE bullet! This woman is definitely a recipient of God's mercy. God has a message for her to share with the world. And share she did!
Recently we joked about how the seating at our table was pretty cozy, and despite no other physical contact up to that point, we were forced to rest our leg against the other's! The previous week I sent Jeromy an email with just one word: "integrity", because I was so impressed with how honorably and selflessly he treated me at all times. I was beginning to grasp the importance of communicating more specifically when he wrote back and asked, "Is that to say I have it or need it?" :)
After the banquet Jeromy drove me back to the Cecils, but we stayed in the truck and talked for at least another hour. It was good. Then I realized I had decided not to bring my purse, and that my house key was locked inside! It was after 11 by then, and to my dismay I ended up waking both Mike and Chris, AND Samantha--who was screaming once they let me in the house. And THEN the security alarm went off, and...it was a mess. So I said a quick goodbye to Jeromy and went straight up to my bedroom. I felt horrible and embarrassed and I wanted to hide.
I wasn't tired, though, so I emailed a "thank-you-but-sorry-for-the-incident" message, and then when I clicked send, I noticed Jeromy had sent me a message at the same time! We were both too wired to sleep, so we hopped on MSN messenger and chatted for...a few more hours! As it were, Jeromy decided to just lay it all out there, and he commented about how amazing it has been to meet someone like me who wants to talk about the things of God. He said he had to wear his heart on his sleeve and take a risk with me. It took us until 2:30 in the morning to finish that conversation! We will never forget that night/wee morning.
Near the beginning I had feared taking it further than friendship because I had never before experienced such a spiritual connection to somebody so quickly in all my life. From the start it was obvious that this was NOT about Jeromy and Tara. This was about GOD. All I could do was just pray that it would ALWAYS be about God. But I was still scared because I DID want more, and God had to show me that that didn't have to be a bad thing. For the first time it wasn't ME striving. I wasn't seeking anything. It was frightening because it WAS (and IS) totally out of my control. There were Hands greater than mine at work here. It was so real I could feel it. And the last thing I wanted to do was to dishonor that sacredness. I didn't want this God-focus to all of a sudden make this selfish shift so that it became about Jeromy and Tara. The thought haunted me. So I didn't say a word. And then I was struck with one thought: Well, if it be in the mind of God Almighty, then what if, perhaps one day it just might be more about GOD if it were more about Jeromy and Tara? MORE sacred. And the fear absolutely crumbled. It dissolved. And yet I still didn't say a word. I've learned enough in my day (the hard way, always!) to let the guy be the pursuer. I don't want to rob a guy of that glory, nor do I want to rob myself of a potentially incredible story. So I just waited. But surprisingly, it wasn't hard! And then, that night God opened Jeromy's mouth, and there you have it...a collision. An amazing whirlwind of a collision that still causes me to rub my eyes in the middle of the day, wondering if this is real. (Pinching hurts, so I stopped that!) And it IS real. And we covet that sacredness. We may have to fight for it at times, but it is every bit worth the fight.
We could hardly wait until daylight, because we planned to meet for breakfast. We stopped at the store to pick up some bagels and sat at the Piney Point dock again. Jeromy brought his guitar and we sang praise songs toward the horizon and prayed some. Perfection....
The rest is history, I guess. October 21st and November 5th are two quite special days for us. And soon to come, August 12th!
See also: Engaged!, Our Wedding Vows, and Jeromy
*****
Back at the end of September (2005) I was in the process of looking for a church to attend during my stay in Maryland as a nanny. Don't ask me how but while playing around on Myspace (which we both never even use anymore!) I noticed Jeromy's page and that he was from Lexington Park, MD (just a couple miles down the road). His page was highly Christian, mentioning some of the books he likes to read and all that (which included specific books of the Bible and other Christian authors). I had just recently visited Lexington Park Baptist Church, and shot him a short email to ask if he was familiar with it, or if he knew of any other good churches in the area. Turns out he used to attend that church, and it was crazy because I later found out that he used to attend Bible study with some Christian girls I met at St. Mary's College (the ones who invited me to the campus ministry bonfire!). In fact, they even invited me to that same Bible study, and I never went. That means, had I accepted the invitation and attended the Bible study, I would have met Jeromy earlier than I did! Crazy... But who cares--we met anyhow!
After that we emailed back and forth for a couple weeks, talking about John Piper and Calvinism (4.5 vs. 5-point and all that), just a friendly conversation about a bunch of theological stuff. He asked me if I knew Piper since I'm from Minnesota, and I told him yes, and that I even visited Piper's church just before coming out here to Maryland! I even forwarded the notes on his sermon because I thought Jeromy might be interested. And then, since I was reading Captivating by John Eldredge, and I found out he was into Wild at Heart by the same author, we started talking about some of those issues.
The next week when I was in Charlotte, NC with the Cecils, Jeromy sent me a message that simply said, "When are you coming back to Southern Maryland so we can actually meet???" I was kind of taken aback, but laughed it off a little bit. My mind was kind of distracted elsewhere at the moment. Meeting Jeromy was the most random thing that had happened to me so far while in Maryland. It turns out, however, that my distraction was a good thing, or I might have been tempted to go after Jeromy, to pursue him instead of allowing God to lead him to pursue me. It was all perfect timing, the way it worked out.
I really wasn't seeking anything with Jeromy. In fact, I just about turned him down when he asked if I'd like to meet up with him and some of his friends at the Coffee Quarter one Friday night (October 21st). I just didn't want to go. And I don't know why. But at the last minute I decided, why not? I ought to make some friends so I don't end up a hermit all year! And actually, that night we didn't get to talk very much at the coffee shop because there was this jazz group from the College of Southern Maryland performing, and they were pretty loud. But afterward we went outside and with one of his friends and spent some time talking. Just nice and light. Yet even then I caught the vibe that Jeromy and I were on the same page spiritually. He walked me to my car, and it started to rain. And we just stood there and talked some more--in the rain!!
I didn't email Jeromy after that. I didn't even hear from him until the following Friday (October 28th), when he called me at about 6 pm, asking if I'd like to go to Panera Bread and then catch some ice cream at Cold Stone. I had just come in from a run, and I had almost passed out on the couch when he called. He gave me all of 15 minutes to freshen up (thanks, Jer!), and he was at the door! Talk about short notice! But it was fine, and we ended up talking nonstop again. I almost didn't even want to take a bite of food because then we'd have to pause the conversation--it was unbelievable!
I believe the next time we got together was Sunday afternoon, two days after Panera Bread (October 30th). By this time I knew something was UP with this guy. Again, he called me last minute, about an hour after church, and he drove us around to all these fun little nooks in St. Mary's County. Little known parks and beaches, lighthouses, docks...they all had beautiful views! Our last stop was Piney Point Lighthouse. Piney Point would soon become "our spot".
By that time it had grown dark, and the sky was bright. A million stars. We walked to the end of the dock and just stood there for probably an hour and a half, just marveling in wonder at the things of God. We never talked about this friendship we had formed, or whether we wanted to be more than friends. It was ALL about God. That night was magic, and we both knew it. God was doing something here, but we didn't have a clue where that would lead. All of that was yet unsaid.
I think we ate out one more time before the missions banquet with the Potomac Baptist Association. It was weird. He called me Monday night (October 31st), just after I hung up with the Association office to make a reservation so I could attend the banquet. There was no way I was going to invite Jeromy. I don't ask guys out, period. But when he called I said that I just finished making reservations for the banquet, he immediately responded with, "Oh yeah, that sounds cool!" He said it as if I made a reservation for TWO--me AND him! I didn't know what to say! It was awkward, but at the same time it wasn't! So I just played along, "You mean you would like to go?" There went God again...appointing things out of my control! I almost laughed out loud!
So yes, Jeromy went to the banquet with me the following Thursday (November 4th). And I paid! (*gasp*) The speaker at the missions banquet was Carrie McDonnall, lone survivor of an Iraqi insurgent attack back in March of '04. She, her husband, and two other individuals were missionaries over in Iraq, and they all perished except for Carrie, despite the fact she was wounded over 22 times. 22 TIMES!!! Most people are dead with ONE bullet! This woman is definitely a recipient of God's mercy. God has a message for her to share with the world. And share she did!
Recently we joked about how the seating at our table was pretty cozy, and despite no other physical contact up to that point, we were forced to rest our leg against the other's! The previous week I sent Jeromy an email with just one word: "integrity", because I was so impressed with how honorably and selflessly he treated me at all times. I was beginning to grasp the importance of communicating more specifically when he wrote back and asked, "Is that to say I have it or need it?" :)
After the banquet Jeromy drove me back to the Cecils, but we stayed in the truck and talked for at least another hour. It was good. Then I realized I had decided not to bring my purse, and that my house key was locked inside! It was after 11 by then, and to my dismay I ended up waking both Mike and Chris, AND Samantha--who was screaming once they let me in the house. And THEN the security alarm went off, and...it was a mess. So I said a quick goodbye to Jeromy and went straight up to my bedroom. I felt horrible and embarrassed and I wanted to hide.
I wasn't tired, though, so I emailed a "thank-you-but-sorry-for-the-incident" message, and then when I clicked send, I noticed Jeromy had sent me a message at the same time! We were both too wired to sleep, so we hopped on MSN messenger and chatted for...a few more hours! As it were, Jeromy decided to just lay it all out there, and he commented about how amazing it has been to meet someone like me who wants to talk about the things of God. He said he had to wear his heart on his sleeve and take a risk with me. It took us until 2:30 in the morning to finish that conversation! We will never forget that night/wee morning.
Near the beginning I had feared taking it further than friendship because I had never before experienced such a spiritual connection to somebody so quickly in all my life. From the start it was obvious that this was NOT about Jeromy and Tara. This was about GOD. All I could do was just pray that it would ALWAYS be about God. But I was still scared because I DID want more, and God had to show me that that didn't have to be a bad thing. For the first time it wasn't ME striving. I wasn't seeking anything. It was frightening because it WAS (and IS) totally out of my control. There were Hands greater than mine at work here. It was so real I could feel it. And the last thing I wanted to do was to dishonor that sacredness. I didn't want this God-focus to all of a sudden make this selfish shift so that it became about Jeromy and Tara. The thought haunted me. So I didn't say a word. And then I was struck with one thought: Well, if it be in the mind of God Almighty, then what if, perhaps one day it just might be more about GOD if it were more about Jeromy and Tara? MORE sacred. And the fear absolutely crumbled. It dissolved. And yet I still didn't say a word. I've learned enough in my day (the hard way, always!) to let the guy be the pursuer. I don't want to rob a guy of that glory, nor do I want to rob myself of a potentially incredible story. So I just waited. But surprisingly, it wasn't hard! And then, that night God opened Jeromy's mouth, and there you have it...a collision. An amazing whirlwind of a collision that still causes me to rub my eyes in the middle of the day, wondering if this is real. (Pinching hurts, so I stopped that!) And it IS real. And we covet that sacredness. We may have to fight for it at times, but it is every bit worth the fight.
We could hardly wait until daylight, because we planned to meet for breakfast. We stopped at the store to pick up some bagels and sat at the Piney Point dock again. Jeromy brought his guitar and we sang praise songs toward the horizon and prayed some. Perfection....
The rest is history, I guess. October 21st and November 5th are two quite special days for us. And soon to come, August 12th!
See also: Engaged!, Our Wedding Vows, and Jeromy
Monday, March 6, 2006
Grace
This is part of my personal testimony. Our pastor told myself and Jeromy to write about our spiritual lives so that he would know a little about us before starting pre-marital counseling with us. I think every blog I write includes more details of my spiritual journey. Although I was saved as a child, I am forever still in the growing stages! But the account below is more of the "nutshell" version.
*****
I was born into a Christian family and attended church regularly throughout my childhood. I had learned about salvation in Sunday school and from my parents, and it was my father who led me to the Lord after church one Sunday when I was five years old (November 17, 1985 to be exact). My profession of faith was made public by immersion two years later. Church membership followed my baptism, and I continued to actively participate in all services as well as children's programs.
Despite faithfulness to the local church, there was little evidence of maturity in my sanctification until my teenage years, when I truly began to understand and submit to Christ's lordship in my life. That is to say, for many of my growing up years I had the appearance of the "ideal" Christian girl, but I had yet to grow into an understanding of a personal relationship with God.
The summer prior to my last year of high school I experienced the accidental death of one of my youth group peers. The tragedy was one of my first encounters with this level of grief. At the same time, my church was going through a split, and both losses deeply affected me and broke me spiritually. I began to depend on the Lord and started to come to him voluntarily through prayer. From that point in time until now, I have seen God's hand teach me volumes about Himself and His plan for my life through life's experiences: changes, challenges, blessings, chastening, desires, joys, trials, people, ministries, etc.
After high school I went on to attend a Bible college, where I gained, most of all, a yearning to know my God even more intimately. My Bible professors taught me how to study the Bible, challenging me to base my convictions on what I have personally read of His Word instead of blindly accepting the convictions of man at face value in the same vein as did the church of Berea. After college graduation up until the present, I have sought to remain a student of the Bible. College laid for me a tremendous foundation for my Christian life, but there is still so much more of God to explore and probe and seek and glorify.
Lately, the Lord has been impressing upon my heart concepts such as grace and love and evangelism and freedom in Christ. I am especially and increasingly grateful for and awestruck by His grace in my own life. As a 5-year-old Sunday school kid I received grace that has eternally wrapped me in a blanket of Christ's righteousness, but it is the grace of His that I encounter every day that, in my opinion, is the most profound grace of all. And even when I receive it, I cannot keep it for myself. I live in a world that is in desperate need of grace, and I have both a duty and a passion to see that my life rightly represents what God's grace is all about.
"For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required" (Luke 12:48b).
*****
I was born into a Christian family and attended church regularly throughout my childhood. I had learned about salvation in Sunday school and from my parents, and it was my father who led me to the Lord after church one Sunday when I was five years old (November 17, 1985 to be exact). My profession of faith was made public by immersion two years later. Church membership followed my baptism, and I continued to actively participate in all services as well as children's programs.
Despite faithfulness to the local church, there was little evidence of maturity in my sanctification until my teenage years, when I truly began to understand and submit to Christ's lordship in my life. That is to say, for many of my growing up years I had the appearance of the "ideal" Christian girl, but I had yet to grow into an understanding of a personal relationship with God.
The summer prior to my last year of high school I experienced the accidental death of one of my youth group peers. The tragedy was one of my first encounters with this level of grief. At the same time, my church was going through a split, and both losses deeply affected me and broke me spiritually. I began to depend on the Lord and started to come to him voluntarily through prayer. From that point in time until now, I have seen God's hand teach me volumes about Himself and His plan for my life through life's experiences: changes, challenges, blessings, chastening, desires, joys, trials, people, ministries, etc.
After high school I went on to attend a Bible college, where I gained, most of all, a yearning to know my God even more intimately. My Bible professors taught me how to study the Bible, challenging me to base my convictions on what I have personally read of His Word instead of blindly accepting the convictions of man at face value in the same vein as did the church of Berea. After college graduation up until the present, I have sought to remain a student of the Bible. College laid for me a tremendous foundation for my Christian life, but there is still so much more of God to explore and probe and seek and glorify.
Lately, the Lord has been impressing upon my heart concepts such as grace and love and evangelism and freedom in Christ. I am especially and increasingly grateful for and awestruck by His grace in my own life. As a 5-year-old Sunday school kid I received grace that has eternally wrapped me in a blanket of Christ's righteousness, but it is the grace of His that I encounter every day that, in my opinion, is the most profound grace of all. And even when I receive it, I cannot keep it for myself. I live in a world that is in desperate need of grace, and I have both a duty and a passion to see that my life rightly represents what God's grace is all about.
"For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required" (Luke 12:48b).
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Interruption Frustration
Phone calls. Emails. Doorbells. Severe weather. Pleas for help. Traffic Jams. Defective clock alarms. Illnesses...all of a sudden and/or at the same time! Interruptions to life usually leave me screaming on the inside and yanking my hair out by the handfuls!
This year Gloria Gaither was the keynote speaker at the Heart of Worship Conference at Asheville, North Carolina's spectacular Grove Park Inn. Using her life as well as the life of Jesus as testimony of her premise, Gloria has come to believe that God's will is most often found in the "interruptions" of our daily lives. We tend to think we know the right path...we know where God is leading and what He would have us accomplish for Him. Come to find out, that is almost never the case. I can definitely identify with that quite arrogant attitude. I rarely get pleasure from my plans so rudely interrupted. In fact, I usually despise interruptions. I despise them because, as a classic planner, they get in the way of MY agenda, MY goals, MY life. Interruptions instantly and unmistakably reveal character. They bring me to a fork in the road where my heart must decide whether it will trust God and submit to whatever is intended by the interruption, or become frustrated and continue to strive in vain pursuit.
Perhaps one reason God finds interruptions effective in our lives is because they humble us so. They demand we unclench our fists around whatever it is He is calling us to submit to Him that we might let Him have His way. HIS way...which is what He knows and what we later discover is what is truly best for us in the first place. These interruptions remind us that we are NOT in control. Once we begin to think we have figured out life--and even GOD Himself--that is just the moment we need a hard and fast reminder, such as interruptions provide, that will crumble our castles and break our hard hearts to expose any pride or selfish motive. They stop us in our tracks and bring us to our knees in desperation because all of a sudden nothing within our finite minds makes any sense. We stop looking to our own counsel, hopefully, and instead seek His. We admit our futility, failures, and fumbles, and reach inside to dust off something we might have set aside for a time...faith.
This humbling agent of interruption, perhaps, may be taken in a negative light. However, once an interruption has humbled us, it also serves as reminder of God's presence, His guidance, and utmost care for every detail of our lives--but especially that which paves the way to a more intimate walk with Him. Positive elements. Good things. Knowing there is potential for spiritual growth to take place in my life, even as a result of having to sacrifice my schedule and earthly resolve, absolutely fills my heart with a much greater hope than if I were to continue charting life on my own.
I was encouraged when Gloria confessed to have finally discovered what she "wants to be when she grows up" by the young age of sixty! At twenty-five, I have considered myself well behind my peers in that respect! Yet, as God continues to blow surging hurricanes through my daily activities, my prayer is that I would accept those interruptions with not only a gracious, godly submission, but also with an adventurous curiosity and anticipation of eternally weighted tasks God may choose to accomplish through me by way of interruption! I want to get to the place where I even welcome interruptions. And there, find God's will not in some distant future or tucked away in some box, but all around me, within every moment...every breath. God doesn't set us out on some scavenger hunt to find His will. He is ever actively in the process with us and simply wants our hearts to resonate with His. And then all we have to do, as in the words of Chuck Swindoll, is merely "show up for work." And right now that means loving my charge Samantha, protecting and enriching her as if she were my own child. It means denying self in order to serve the Cecil family in practical, sacrificial ways. It means going the extra mile...displaying sincere love for people...staying in the Word...paying for my school bill...faithfully serving in my local church..."picking up socks"!
Gloria challenged me to look at my life's interruptions in a new, more spirit-filled light. In fact, taking a glance into hindsight I now see many evidences of God moving me through divinely placed doors by way of interruptions. Doors of which I had never before considered coming from His hand but of my own crafted efforts! How reassuring and freeing to know God is in control!
Nanny work is not my career choice. Granted, it is a position God has used to stretch me, to increase my knowledge and wisdom, and has always offered a unique ministry opportunity. And it IS something I love to do. Yet, while my heart is in and has always been in the field of writing, I look back and discover that so much of what I have written thus far has come out of my experiences as a nanny. And God has used some of that to encourage and challenge other people. What more do I want?!
Had God led me right out of high school to a public university for education in copywriting or journalism, I would never have received Bible training in college, nor obtained an education degree. I would never have experienced the rich depth of peer fellowship, which I found there. I would never have learned those hard lessons that have shaped me into the person I am today and, even greater, cultivated within me such fantastic desire to KNOW GOD, that which I might not have otherwise encountered. I would never exchange those life-impacting experiences for any writing career in the world, if given the opportunity!
Going further, had I not accepted positions with my various host families I would not had a Christian influence on so many children’s' lives. I would never have learned so many principles and practices pertaining to household and family. I certainly would not have been blessed with such amazing travel opportunities, to places like Vermont, Massachusetts, West Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina, and the Bahamas! And had my career path been different I would have never met such embracing, accepting church families as my travels have allowed me.
In fact, I would not have even been able to attend the Heart of Worship conference and hear this message of Gloria's had I not been staying with my host family in North Carolina for that weekend! I look back and am thankful for how I can trace the hand of God all throughout my past. Interruptions have brought many good things into my life. A knee injury in college led me to nanny my physical therapist's daughter. A church split plunged me into greater depths of dependence on God. A floundering love interest distracted me enough to allow the right man to come into my life and pursue my heart.
God has done some amazing things via interruption. I must remember that the next time I want to slam my fist and scream in frustration. I hope Gloria's challenging words, born out of both experience and deep conviction, will carry me through many interruptions to come. The next interruption just may lead to an opportunity to share Christ. It may become a door of opportunity into the writing field. It may, however, simply steer me to that one stray, dirty sock under my bed that I might pick it up and toss it into the hamper. For what right do I have to judge the significance of any such interruption? So quickly I forget that to me to live is CHRIST, that with Him my life and my will is crucified. The goal is not greatness, but humility and surrender. My pride will quickly destroy me, but in that humility I find grace, and only in Christ can that lead to anything great.
This is not a matter of being IN God's will or OUT of God's will. God has no "plan B for your life," as Gloria put it, "only plan A." He uses even our sinful tendencies and ALWAYS uses our weaknesses to accomplish His purposes. Still, we cannot ignore the clear command from James 4:7 to "submit ourselves to God. In Proverbs 3:5-6, to quit analyzing and reasoning with life on human terms. To quit striving long enough to look toward Heaven with a willing and trusting heart. I would rather my legacy be one by which God used my submissiveness rather than my sinfulness! If anything, I come to the Father with renewed hope that He will continue to prove Himself faithful as I desire to prove the same. Thank you, Gloria!
It's all about you, Jesus
And all this is for you,
for your glory and your fame
It's not about me,
as if you should do things my way
You alone are God
and I surrender to your ways
-Paul Oakley
This year Gloria Gaither was the keynote speaker at the Heart of Worship Conference at Asheville, North Carolina's spectacular Grove Park Inn. Using her life as well as the life of Jesus as testimony of her premise, Gloria has come to believe that God's will is most often found in the "interruptions" of our daily lives. We tend to think we know the right path...we know where God is leading and what He would have us accomplish for Him. Come to find out, that is almost never the case. I can definitely identify with that quite arrogant attitude. I rarely get pleasure from my plans so rudely interrupted. In fact, I usually despise interruptions. I despise them because, as a classic planner, they get in the way of MY agenda, MY goals, MY life. Interruptions instantly and unmistakably reveal character. They bring me to a fork in the road where my heart must decide whether it will trust God and submit to whatever is intended by the interruption, or become frustrated and continue to strive in vain pursuit.
Perhaps one reason God finds interruptions effective in our lives is because they humble us so. They demand we unclench our fists around whatever it is He is calling us to submit to Him that we might let Him have His way. HIS way...which is what He knows and what we later discover is what is truly best for us in the first place. These interruptions remind us that we are NOT in control. Once we begin to think we have figured out life--and even GOD Himself--that is just the moment we need a hard and fast reminder, such as interruptions provide, that will crumble our castles and break our hard hearts to expose any pride or selfish motive. They stop us in our tracks and bring us to our knees in desperation because all of a sudden nothing within our finite minds makes any sense. We stop looking to our own counsel, hopefully, and instead seek His. We admit our futility, failures, and fumbles, and reach inside to dust off something we might have set aside for a time...faith.
This humbling agent of interruption, perhaps, may be taken in a negative light. However, once an interruption has humbled us, it also serves as reminder of God's presence, His guidance, and utmost care for every detail of our lives--but especially that which paves the way to a more intimate walk with Him. Positive elements. Good things. Knowing there is potential for spiritual growth to take place in my life, even as a result of having to sacrifice my schedule and earthly resolve, absolutely fills my heart with a much greater hope than if I were to continue charting life on my own.
I was encouraged when Gloria confessed to have finally discovered what she "wants to be when she grows up" by the young age of sixty! At twenty-five, I have considered myself well behind my peers in that respect! Yet, as God continues to blow surging hurricanes through my daily activities, my prayer is that I would accept those interruptions with not only a gracious, godly submission, but also with an adventurous curiosity and anticipation of eternally weighted tasks God may choose to accomplish through me by way of interruption! I want to get to the place where I even welcome interruptions. And there, find God's will not in some distant future or tucked away in some box, but all around me, within every moment...every breath. God doesn't set us out on some scavenger hunt to find His will. He is ever actively in the process with us and simply wants our hearts to resonate with His. And then all we have to do, as in the words of Chuck Swindoll, is merely "show up for work." And right now that means loving my charge Samantha, protecting and enriching her as if she were my own child. It means denying self in order to serve the Cecil family in practical, sacrificial ways. It means going the extra mile...displaying sincere love for people...staying in the Word...paying for my school bill...faithfully serving in my local church..."picking up socks"!
Gloria challenged me to look at my life's interruptions in a new, more spirit-filled light. In fact, taking a glance into hindsight I now see many evidences of God moving me through divinely placed doors by way of interruptions. Doors of which I had never before considered coming from His hand but of my own crafted efforts! How reassuring and freeing to know God is in control!
Nanny work is not my career choice. Granted, it is a position God has used to stretch me, to increase my knowledge and wisdom, and has always offered a unique ministry opportunity. And it IS something I love to do. Yet, while my heart is in and has always been in the field of writing, I look back and discover that so much of what I have written thus far has come out of my experiences as a nanny. And God has used some of that to encourage and challenge other people. What more do I want?!
Had God led me right out of high school to a public university for education in copywriting or journalism, I would never have received Bible training in college, nor obtained an education degree. I would never have experienced the rich depth of peer fellowship, which I found there. I would never have learned those hard lessons that have shaped me into the person I am today and, even greater, cultivated within me such fantastic desire to KNOW GOD, that which I might not have otherwise encountered. I would never exchange those life-impacting experiences for any writing career in the world, if given the opportunity!
Going further, had I not accepted positions with my various host families I would not had a Christian influence on so many children’s' lives. I would never have learned so many principles and practices pertaining to household and family. I certainly would not have been blessed with such amazing travel opportunities, to places like Vermont, Massachusetts, West Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina, and the Bahamas! And had my career path been different I would have never met such embracing, accepting church families as my travels have allowed me.
In fact, I would not have even been able to attend the Heart of Worship conference and hear this message of Gloria's had I not been staying with my host family in North Carolina for that weekend! I look back and am thankful for how I can trace the hand of God all throughout my past. Interruptions have brought many good things into my life. A knee injury in college led me to nanny my physical therapist's daughter. A church split plunged me into greater depths of dependence on God. A floundering love interest distracted me enough to allow the right man to come into my life and pursue my heart.
God has done some amazing things via interruption. I must remember that the next time I want to slam my fist and scream in frustration. I hope Gloria's challenging words, born out of both experience and deep conviction, will carry me through many interruptions to come. The next interruption just may lead to an opportunity to share Christ. It may become a door of opportunity into the writing field. It may, however, simply steer me to that one stray, dirty sock under my bed that I might pick it up and toss it into the hamper. For what right do I have to judge the significance of any such interruption? So quickly I forget that to me to live is CHRIST, that with Him my life and my will is crucified. The goal is not greatness, but humility and surrender. My pride will quickly destroy me, but in that humility I find grace, and only in Christ can that lead to anything great.
This is not a matter of being IN God's will or OUT of God's will. God has no "plan B for your life," as Gloria put it, "only plan A." He uses even our sinful tendencies and ALWAYS uses our weaknesses to accomplish His purposes. Still, we cannot ignore the clear command from James 4:7 to "submit ourselves to God. In Proverbs 3:5-6, to quit analyzing and reasoning with life on human terms. To quit striving long enough to look toward Heaven with a willing and trusting heart. I would rather my legacy be one by which God used my submissiveness rather than my sinfulness! If anything, I come to the Father with renewed hope that He will continue to prove Himself faithful as I desire to prove the same. Thank you, Gloria!
It's all about you, Jesus
And all this is for you,
for your glory and your fame
It's not about me,
as if you should do things my way
You alone are God
and I surrender to your ways
-Paul Oakley
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
CAPTIVATING
Ladies everywhere NEED to read "Captivating"!
The following is part of an email letter I wrote to my pastor's wife concerning a book she recommended and, actually, gave to me. I wanted her to know how this book was impacting my life...and now I want to share the same with all of you--especially any women who may be reading. I would venture to say no other book in my 25 years has so gripped in my soul and has caused me to understand and love my Savior better than Joh & Staci Eldredge's book "Captivating". This is self-explanatory in the letter, but I hope it encourages you to pink up the book. :) -T
*****
....Speaking of good books, the main reason I am writing you is because I wanted to thank you again for the wonderful fellowship gifts--especially Captivating. I didn't open it up right away. I was in the middle of a couple other reads, and it got shuffled to the side. As I was packing for our most recent trip to Charlotte, I decided to bring it along. Without any real idea of where this book might take me, other than the premise you stated to me, I began to read. And I couldn't put it down! At first I had it in mind to write in the journal with each chapter. Then I realized it would be a hindrance, and so I decided to read the book straight through, and then I am going to go through it again, more slowly and accompanied by the journal. I am going to have to read it again.
Only now do I understand what you were talking about when you said that the book was challenging and convicting in unexpected areas. I thought that perhaps it was different from other books for women, but that soon enough it would begin to drift over into what I've already heard, what I've already read. The book I read just prior to Captivating did just that. I am almost 3/4 of the way through, and it hasn't yet.
I've cried through the entire thing. Some tears stemmed from deep conviction, others from recalling God's promises, and still others (and probably the most profound tears) came when I realized how timely God is guiding me through this book. I have been reading a chapter here and there, but except at the beginning when I was devouring the message, I have not been able to read too much at a time. And I KNOW that is God. It was God who spurred me to begin reading at the first chapter, and it is God who is providing me with exactly the right words I need to hear when my heart and my spirit need to hear them most.
Tammy, God is drawing me to His Word by this book. I have never in my life been more hungry to pour into the Scriptures and hide them within me as I am now. I have never been more prone to cry out to God moment after moment, time and again during the day as I have recently. And yet the book isn't one-sidedly covering God's character and attributes. I am learning new things about God that are making me consider my relationship with Him in a new and brighter light. I am being reminded of certain truths about God while discovering new angles of meaning and application. Most of all, I am being thrown into greater depths of dependence on God, as if I am getting to know Him for the first time.
Now, by saying all this I don't imply for a minute that life is easier having received these enlightenments. On the contrary, I am feeling more and more broken and helpless, less self-assured and more aware of His presence and grace in the everyday situations of life. Before the book my thoughts were constantly analytical and reasoning. I would fight my way past certainly Divinely placed hurdles and bumps in order to achieve what I thought was the right path. Although I too often carry my old nature into each day, my spirit is, for a change, beginning to grow quiet, my hands, daring to lie still. I can't tell you how many times God has proved his presence and work in my life when instead of making myself weary with frustration at one failed attempt after another, I just take a breath and simply look toward heaven. I have never been more assured of His love and involvement in my world because of this mindset. And it overwhelms me.
God is transforming me, and while I certainly didn't initially look to the book for that reason (I probably would have kept it closed if only I knew!); regardless, He has seen fit to do so. It really IS a daily death to self. It ebbs and flows, and to drink of God's resources and gifts is to truly be satisfied. It is humbling to think that He would care enough about one single soul out of millions of his children to lift me up out of myself, through blazing fire and sharpened shears, into a more intimate and personal relationship...with me. Loneliness is fading and contentment is lingering...oh, that I would never dwell other than in His grace!
This has become my greatest hope: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee" (Isaiah 26:3).
The following is part of an email letter I wrote to my pastor's wife concerning a book she recommended and, actually, gave to me. I wanted her to know how this book was impacting my life...and now I want to share the same with all of you--especially any women who may be reading. I would venture to say no other book in my 25 years has so gripped in my soul and has caused me to understand and love my Savior better than Joh & Staci Eldredge's book "Captivating". This is self-explanatory in the letter, but I hope it encourages you to pink up the book. :) -T
*****
....Speaking of good books, the main reason I am writing you is because I wanted to thank you again for the wonderful fellowship gifts--especially Captivating. I didn't open it up right away. I was in the middle of a couple other reads, and it got shuffled to the side. As I was packing for our most recent trip to Charlotte, I decided to bring it along. Without any real idea of where this book might take me, other than the premise you stated to me, I began to read. And I couldn't put it down! At first I had it in mind to write in the journal with each chapter. Then I realized it would be a hindrance, and so I decided to read the book straight through, and then I am going to go through it again, more slowly and accompanied by the journal. I am going to have to read it again.
Only now do I understand what you were talking about when you said that the book was challenging and convicting in unexpected areas. I thought that perhaps it was different from other books for women, but that soon enough it would begin to drift over into what I've already heard, what I've already read. The book I read just prior to Captivating did just that. I am almost 3/4 of the way through, and it hasn't yet.
I've cried through the entire thing. Some tears stemmed from deep conviction, others from recalling God's promises, and still others (and probably the most profound tears) came when I realized how timely God is guiding me through this book. I have been reading a chapter here and there, but except at the beginning when I was devouring the message, I have not been able to read too much at a time. And I KNOW that is God. It was God who spurred me to begin reading at the first chapter, and it is God who is providing me with exactly the right words I need to hear when my heart and my spirit need to hear them most.
Tammy, God is drawing me to His Word by this book. I have never in my life been more hungry to pour into the Scriptures and hide them within me as I am now. I have never been more prone to cry out to God moment after moment, time and again during the day as I have recently. And yet the book isn't one-sidedly covering God's character and attributes. I am learning new things about God that are making me consider my relationship with Him in a new and brighter light. I am being reminded of certain truths about God while discovering new angles of meaning and application. Most of all, I am being thrown into greater depths of dependence on God, as if I am getting to know Him for the first time.
Now, by saying all this I don't imply for a minute that life is easier having received these enlightenments. On the contrary, I am feeling more and more broken and helpless, less self-assured and more aware of His presence and grace in the everyday situations of life. Before the book my thoughts were constantly analytical and reasoning. I would fight my way past certainly Divinely placed hurdles and bumps in order to achieve what I thought was the right path. Although I too often carry my old nature into each day, my spirit is, for a change, beginning to grow quiet, my hands, daring to lie still. I can't tell you how many times God has proved his presence and work in my life when instead of making myself weary with frustration at one failed attempt after another, I just take a breath and simply look toward heaven. I have never been more assured of His love and involvement in my world because of this mindset. And it overwhelms me.
God is transforming me, and while I certainly didn't initially look to the book for that reason (I probably would have kept it closed if only I knew!); regardless, He has seen fit to do so. It really IS a daily death to self. It ebbs and flows, and to drink of God's resources and gifts is to truly be satisfied. It is humbling to think that He would care enough about one single soul out of millions of his children to lift me up out of myself, through blazing fire and sharpened shears, into a more intimate and personal relationship...with me. Loneliness is fading and contentment is lingering...oh, that I would never dwell other than in His grace!
This has become my greatest hope: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee" (Isaiah 26:3).
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Questions
I found myself in this place a lot.
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What is God doing? Where is God going with all of this? Is there a lesson to learn and then move on, or is there something more? Is there a higher significance to be later revealed, and if so, how much longer must I wait?
Regardless, this is different. It is still early to even presume or guess what might be taking place, but if anything, over the last few months I have been able to make further generalizations and distinctions about where I want to go in life. Even more, where I believe God would have me go. Whether I travel the rest of my life alone or with a partner, I am realizing some of the things that I will need for the journey, as well as some things I most certainly do not need.
This is a awkward season of life. A lot of my friends are either married or are contentedly growing in a career and/or ministry. It is true that I am in a ministry, and we all are at all times; but I am not married or even close to it, and I am not yet grounded in a career.
So where am I? I am hoping for more and looking to the future, yet trying my hardest to let God figure all that out. There have been WAY too many times in my life where I have, in my ardent determination and often on whim, went after something I thought I needed. Only then did I find out it wasn't what God wanted, and in hindsight, I realized that, too. Well, I was sick of staring with remorse at hindsight! I didn't and I don't want to learn primarily from mistakes, poor choices, and hasty turns. That is my tendency, and so this denying of my wiring takes work.
However, I am beginning to see some fruit of allowing God to direct my steps. I'm finding how much less stressful and much more peaceful it is to live each day for what it is instead of focusing energy and effort on vain strivings. Doing things that gratify and glorify myself is never satisfying, as I have learned (too many times, it seems), but working only to lift up the name of Jesus within each everyday task, although most likely not as glamorous, is the highest calling of all Creation. But satisfying? My cup runneth over! More than any other time in my life I am beginning to fully grasp and open up all of the gifts of the Spirit that I've neglected for so long while catering to myself. That is because only now do I have time to pick them up and enjoy them.
I'm starting to "get it. There are acres of growth left to tread, but inch by inch I'm finding my way, following the Shepherd and drawing from His goodness and mercy along the journey.
Survival of the Faithful
Church hunting provides interesting experiences, but it gets old FAST!
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I am happy to say I have survived my first experience in a Southern church! Let me just say that Liberty Baptist was a little--ok, a LOT different than what I was anticipating. The website looked great, and the church is independent so I thought it might at least resemble the churches I'm used to back home. All I can say is, it was interesting.
Sunday school was normal. I attended a young adults class of about 6, and the teacher focused on how church bodies and ministry groups can accomplish more for the sake of Christ when they come together and share the same mindset. He also shared how he is going through a difficult and stressful time with work, commenting briefly that he hoped the service turned out to be one where the sermon was overshadowed by the choir, and that church would run past
Then the serivce began....
Everybody was friendly. Everybody. The only person I don't think I met personally was the pastor himself. I spoke at length with the pastor's wife, though, and concluded that I liked the bubbly southern welcome and charming accent. She must be mid-40's but she looks like she's no more than 20!
I had read in the church's website that they sang right out of the hymnal, and I was looking forward to that. I have to say, though, there wasn't a song they chose that I was even vaguely familiar with! That is because not only do they sing hymns, but they sing out of the southern hymnal. I'm talking SHAPE-NOTES!!! I was as lost as last year's Easter egg, musically speaking, and for me that's frustrating, since I like to sing out and confidently hit the harmony parts.
I don't know how familiar you are with shape-note singing, but the short of it is that they are typically up-tempo hymns that are most often used in choral singing. Each note has a different shape that coorelates with whichever syllable of "solfege" (do, re, me...) is to be sung. This helps with sight-reading and sight-singing, to distinguish each pitch. The system was initially designed for ameteur singers who might not otherwise read music. Not so much now, but southern communities used to hold "singings" at which they were able to sing these shape-notes with virtually no practice involved.
Apparently Liberty Baptist is one of the few churches still keeping up with that tradition. It's a really fun style of music, but because I've had only minimal exposure to shape-notes, I just couldn't keep up! It is part of a culture still foreign to me. I did enjoy listening to the songs, though. Impressed, actually. A lot of the songs are about Heaven, and it makes sense, then, that the lyrics are joyful and the melody up-tempo and bright. It would be fun to one day learn the shape-note system. I do give the church credit for continuing an old tradition
The songs the choir sung were also right out of the hymnal. They sang three numbers, the third being the Gaither signature, "Because He Lives". Now, I like that song and all, and I realize music can minister to a person's spirit, but I think the choir carried on for about 15 minutes on that one! The first go around, one of the choir members walked down to the alter to pray, and by the end of the third verse, half the congregation had walked the isle crying and hugging each other. I was a little confused. The Word hadn't even been READ yet, much less PREACHED! I was like, ok, I guess they like to mix things up down south.
Once choir finally made their way back to their seats the pastor jumped around the pulpit, screaming and waving his hankie for MAYBE five minutes. Something to do with how we are all priests, but I didn't catch all of it. Meanwhile, people at this church had no inhibitions about standing up and shouting a hearty "Amen!" or "Glory!" or even a spontaneous testimony, like one from an older woman who sounded like she was about to swoon any minute. Some good words were said, but it was just...different. I didn't know how to take it all in.
After the mini-message was the special music. A 20-something guy got up to sing Ivan Parker's version of "My Redeemer Lives", and he really did a good job. The congregation went crazy on the final chorus and tags; you could hardly hear the kid over the shouts and screams! The song ended, and the pastor got back up to the pulpit and said a few more words before asking the singer, Jake, to come sing the song again. About halfway through the song, there went another good chunk of the congregation, down the isle. Some of them were the same people who walked the first time while the choir was singing! I mean, I got the point that Jesus is alive, but I couldn't understand what within these songs was so convicting. Maybe I was missing something...who knows?
After the THIRD go around with the SAME special number, I was ready to pack up and head back to the Cecil's. I had to be back by
Bless their hearts....
In other news, I have been back in Great Mills, MD for over a week now. We won't be going back to NC until next month, and then only Chris, the baby, and I will be there and for a whole week. I would hope that
I do have to say that through the experience of visiting different churches I am being humbled. I'll let you know why...
Last Wednesday (the 14th) I visited Putuxent Baptist right here in Great Mills for Bible study. I figure that if I attend services other than just Sunday morning I'll be able to cover more ground and the process of finding a church will commence a lot quicker. On one hand, getting to see different ministries is a unique opportunity and it is a lot of fun to meet new people. On the other, it gets OLD really quick, and at this point I am more than ready to settle in one church so I can then figure out where I might serve.
Putuxent Baptist is a fairly small church (70/morning service) but another extremely friendly congregation. The pastor was away speaking at some college in
I was convicted during the Bible study/preaching time, although it had nothing to do wiht the actual message. Funny how God can do that! But there I was, sitting alone in this small church auditorium, surrounded by these nice people I had just met. I'll admit, first knowledge of the pastor's educational background left me resistent to visit Putuxent Baptist. Just because of the stereotypes attached to where the Pastor went to college! I let one single fact about one single person influence my judgment of an entire church--weeks before stepping foot inside the building!
Granted, to some degree, my inklings were correct, as far as the ladies wearing dresses and all that, but the judgment in and of itself was wrong because I otherwise knew nothing (and still don't know too much) about this church body's corporate convictions.
I quickly realized that all my effort to research a local church in St. Mary's County was tainted by my personal preferences. I wanted to find a church that measured up to my mental checklist of what I would consider a "good" church. I might as well have started my own church as a congregation of one before stumbling upon such a place of worship! It just doesn't exist, and thank God!
So...as I continued to soak up the speaker's words that night I silently invited the Lord to receive back his rightful role in leading and guiding me to where HE would have me serve this year. I unfortunately found myself with a similar determination three years ago while looking for a church in
I still don't know what church God wants me in. Yet how many more times must I be humbled before I "get it"? All I know is, as far as church visiting goes, I better follow the leading of Elizabeth Bennett and look more deeply beyond the surface!
Oh, one last thing before I finally send this...I was just recently told of the passing of my next-door neighbor, Shirley Brown. She developed cancer a few months ago, although since I didn't spend as much time at my parents' house this past year, I also didn't see her much. Boy, is that ever a lame excuse. Convicted again! Even when I did live at home I hardly said "boo" to my neighbors--any of them. Why? Laziness, I guess. Once I heard Shirley had cancer I would think about her whenever I stopped home for Sunday dinner, but as far as actually reaching out to her and ministering to her, all the farther I got was a good intention. So once I heard that she had passed away last week I was broken. I wish I had done SOMETHING. I wish I had even simply gone over and helped around the house...talked with her...sat with her--anything. But I didn't, and now it's too late. But at the same time I can't beat myself up about that fact. It's too late, and that's that. The question is, what am I going to do with the people God has brought into my life at present, and in the future? Cancer or no cancer, everybody has needs. The needs might not be obvious, but if you talk to someone long enough, you'll know what they are. Everybody faces problems and struggles every single day. Therefore, there is no excuse for us to keep to ourselves instead of investing in other people. We pray all the time for God to give us opportunities to share our faith. Why don't we instead pray not FOR those opportunities (because they are all around us at all times!) but, rather, to RECOGNIZE those opportunities--even ordinary situations as opportunities--and then pray that we we would ACT upon those opportunities. What, are we really just lazy, or are we afraid of what the Holy Spirit might do? That is total absurdity for anyone who claims a faith in and following of Christ, and I am guilty a million times over.
Revive us, oh God....
Friday, September 23, 2005
Travel Style
Keeping in touch with friends and family definitely helps this place feel more like home. It's funny how people tend to keep in better contact with loved ones while they are away. It's unfortunate that is the case, but often we take our surroundings for granted when we get used to them. Thank goodness for phone plans and email (and blogs!) or there would be a lot of homesick people in this world! I would reason people are more likely to travel in recent years than they used to, just because those conveniences are so much more widespread. I would probably go insane without any contact outside this hick town!
Switching gears...
My mom will give ANY excuse to travel. During my childhood my family took road trips all over the
I seem to have caught the travel bug as well, although I'm not so much of a "see it all" traveler or a clicking tourist; when I travel, I like to spend more time in the same spot so I get a little taste of what it is like to live there. You know, make contacts with the people, research little-known sites, visit the "Mom & Pop" diner, and skip stones in the pond.... After I've stopped somewhere, I like to more than just be able tell everyone where I've been, I like to take a piece of the people and their culture with me.
The Cecil's extended family is planning a get-together in the
Better get prepared for the little squirt to wake up. Then we're going hiking! It's my new-found favorite activity around here. There are some nice trails through the woods near St. Mary's
Monday, September 12, 2005
Reflecting
God places us in specific situations with specific people and for specific seasons, each for a specific purpose or purposes. At times I get frustrated and I'm tempted to give up because I'm not visibly seeing God working in hearts. I'm glad that, despite my past and present failures in this regard, every so often God allows me to catch a glimpse of His power, as He revealed last night. If God is going to use me in this family, and if God is going to use you in your workplace or community, it is going to be in SPITE of me, in SPITE of you. If not, our Christianity that we are trying to peddle is a fake. If all the glory doesn't go to Him, we are wasting our time.
Often God uses us in ways we never thought we could be used. God does use those failures. Also, He often uses the simple, even seemingly mundane things we do or say to make a difference. God uses the good, the bad, and the ugly--He uses it all. Grace is a marvelous thing, isn't it?
Obedience, love, and faithfulness--that's what I'm trying to work on right now. Seeing God's power in action like last night is indeed motivation to keep striving for those things. Yet, I think of all the ways God reveals Himself in the world and in my life that I have not even recognized. Perhaps if I kept a more consistent heavenly mindset I would see them more and be even more greatly encouraged toward the effectiveness of the Holy Spirit in my life. Encouraged to dig deeper, climb higher, and run faster for the sake of Christ.
In this way, I long for greater spiritual eyesight....but perhaps I ought to FIRST long for a more spiritual HEART.
Wednesday, September 7, 2005
My New Home
Before I got caught up in the Myspace/Facebook phe-nom, I used to send out occasional emails to my family and friends back home in order to stay connected. I had just been to Maryland a month when I reflected on the following:
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For those of you who don't know, I accepted a position to work for a family in Southern Maryland; namely, Great Mills, a tiny town jutting down near the boarder of Virginia. The family also has a home in a suburb of
Here's my update...
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We are in
Went exploring around town today. Drove Mike's BIG red truck. Kinda scary at first, then you get used to it. Turning around and backing up is a little tricky, though, even more-so than the
Found the church I'm going to attend tomorrow morning. It's called Liberty Baptist, located in Mooresville, just up Hwy 77 from Cornelius about 8-10 miles. There are Baptist churches figuratively on every corner, which makes it difficult to choose where to go. (Although many are Southern Baptist.)
The job is going well. I'm having a great time getting to know the Cecil family and little Samantha. While I enjoy St. Mary's County and am finding my way around up there, it's been a fun weekend "down south"!
I did meet a handful of 20-something college students who attend St. Mary's College (public, contrary to what I thought), who are a part of the Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship there on campus. They were VERY friendly to me at church, and were sincerely enthusiastic about inviting me to brunch and then a bonfire that night with the Inter-Varsity group. The bonfire was set down the hill from the college campus, actually on the beach and literally right on the water. There was a beautiful sunset. I might have to visit that place again just to find some solitude! There we mingled, and at first it felt a little weird being an "outsider", as in not a student. Yet they were very nice and it great to spend some time with Christians about my age. Refreshing, actually. After dusk one of the students took out his guitar and lead us in worship. We sang some generic praise songs and choruses, a few hymns, and then we about exhausted Chris Tomlin's repetiore of music! That was a BLAST. Kind of reminiscent of my former college days.
Above and beyond the actual bonfire activity, it was really a blessing to have met some friends at church earlier in the morning. I didn't expect to meet friends so quickly, but God provides in His time, not ours. Usually it seems we have to wait for God's time, but this time He meet a need before I even thought to ask! How cool!
Last weekend I got the opportunity to drive around Great Mills and the surrounding towns a little bit. It's gorgeous down there! I got the feeling that it's sort of a mixture between having a northern and southern MN feel to it at the same time! It's very woodsy, yet there is plenty of farmland. Yet the subs aren't too, too far away, which will be nice as well.
Then you have the
I just discovered that Cecil's Old Mill is on the map of
There is a pretty good sized field in back of the house, where the munchkin (Sammie) and I like to take walks with the baby backpack. There is a pathway through the woods that actually used to be the main road leading to the historic neighboring town a few miles out. After hiking around in the woods the other day I discovered the hard way that there are patches of poison ivy that should have been avoided! I am still itching from that, and am surprised I have any skin left! Oh well, that's part of country life, and I guess I better get used to it!
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