in a fog

Is it Friday yet? I've been waking up the last two mornings in Friday-mode, and each time I would suddenly realize it wasn't Friday, and reluctantly put away the jeans...

I'm feeling sort of hum-drum this evening. It's a perfect day outside and I'm finally wearing capris, but here I sit and blog instead of enjoying the fresh, warm air. Go figure. My tan is even starting to look pretty good - thank you, Jergens! :)

Jeromy has been on work travel this whole week, and except for weekends, the upcoming two weeks as well. Am I basking in the clean house and all the [free] cereal I can eat for dinner? You bet! Yet it is a little melancholy without my Squeeze. I don't sleep as well at night without him. So maybe I feel hum-drum simply because I'm tired. And snuggle-deprived. Yet Jeromy still seems to find amazing ways to fill my love tank over the phone.

I'm looking for a good strawberry recipe. We have a fantastic farmer's market here in the county, and yesterday I picked up some red ripe strawberries, and this little mouse needs to make something out of them before the big hungry bear comes a prowlin'! The problem isn't finding a decent strawberry recipe. That's easy. The problem is choosing just one! I'm leaning towards a strawberry jello cake with chopped berries and a vanilla pudding-Cool Whip topping.

Hmm....maybe I'll have that tomorrow for dinner instead of Honey Bunches of Oats.

You know, I was just thinking. Our society plainly ruins things sometimes! Not that this is the first time I've noticed, but I was reminded this morning, when I started up the Allero in a gloriously dense fog. Literally; although, some mornings that is true in another sense, yet not so glorious.

The Christian radio automatically kicked on with the ignition and the first thing I heard was good ol' Mike Alley giving the latest morning traffic report on the WGTS morning show. Fog. Well, duh. It was more like a "be careful" warning than anything else. But what do I expect? I don't care if it's dry and sunny, that Baltimore/Capitol beltway is always a mess. And thank the Lord I don't have to drive it, regardless of the time of day!

It's not Mike's fault, or the beltway's fault, or the fog's fault, for that matter. Low clouds with limited visibility produces danger on the road. When fog is disregarded it doesn't take much to wind up in an accident.

But...doesn't that just seem like a waste? Why should the traffic report cause us to think negatively and even disgustedly towards such a wonder of God's creation, just becase of the inconvenience?

'Oh great, fog! Now I have to slow down. Now I'm going to be late to work!' Oh, the horror!!!!

This morning, I didn't give in to the highway pressure and drive like an animal just to be granted the utmost employee pleasure of turning on the copier machine. Not that I do that or anything. But I sometimes like to picture what these crazy drivers might be thinking as they weave and race and white-knuckle their steering wheels. An out-of-context phrase from a Daren Streblow bit comes to mind, "I wanna do invantory!!!!"

Who knows what they're really thinking about, but they certainly are not gazing out their windows, marveling at the portrait-like clouded landscape surrounding them, and especially not while worshiping with the Michael O'Brien piano ballad, "Before the Day."

This morning's Southern Maryland fog was just the thing to help me slow down and really take in the morning. I normally do not enjoy my commute. I really wish I used that half hour each way to send up prayers for others and to reflect on God's goodness and grace in my life. I wish I would pull my heart away from the world and myself to enjoy the scenery of the fields, barns, and ponds along they way. Perhaps I'm a little bitter for having to go into work so early instead of finding a good book and a sturdy tree trunk to lean up against during these most serene hours.

But God can still meet me on the freeway, and He proved that today. Something in the fog caused me to remember that "inclement weather" is just a term man came up with. God calls it "beauty". He said it was "good".

I say, it still is.

The song was just a bonus. All the Christian radio stations in the world play the same or other type of clip of some teenager testifying how amazing it is that the "right song seems to play at just the right time"! I always think that is kind of corny, just because every single song on Christian radio is Christ-centered and of course is going to speak to anyone's situation at any given time. Yet this morning I kind of caught a glimpse of what those teens are talking about. Just a simple truth my parched heart desperately needed.



Genesis 1, from "The Message"

1-2 First this: God created the Heavens and Earth—all you see, all you don't see. Earth was a soup of nothingness, a bottomless emptiness, an inky blackness. God's Spirit brooded like a bird above the watery abyss.

3-5 God spoke: "Light!"
And light appeared.
God saw that light was good
and separated light from dark.
God named the light Day,
he named the dark Night.
It was evening, it was morning—
Day One.

6-8 God spoke: "Sky! In the middle of the waters;
separate water from water!"
God made sky.
He separated the water under sky
from the water above sky.
And there it was:
he named sky the Heavens;
It was evening, it was morning—
Day Two.

9-10 God spoke: "Separate!
Water-beneath-Heaven, gather into one place;
Land, appear!"
And there it was.
God named the land Earth.
He named the pooled water Ocean.
God saw that it was good.

11-13 God spoke: "Earth, green up! Grow all varieties
of seed-bearing plants,
Every sort of fruit-bearing tree."
And there it was.
Earth produced green seed-bearing plants,
all varieties,
And fruit-bearing trees of all sorts.
God saw that it was good.
It was evening, it was morning—
Day Three.

14-15 God spoke: "Lights! Come out!
Shine in Heaven's sky!
Separate Day from Night.
Mark seasons and days and years,
Lights in Heaven's sky to give light to Earth."
And there it was.

16-19 God made two big lights, the larger
to take charge of Day,
The smaller to be in charge of Night;
and he made the stars.
God placed them in the heavenly sky
to light up Earth
And oversee Day and Night,
to separate light and dark.
God saw that it was good.
It was evening, it was morning—
Day Four.

20-23 God spoke: "Swarm, Ocean, with fish and all sea life!
Birds, fly through the sky over Earth!"
God created the huge whales,
all the swarm of life in the waters,
And every kind and species of flying birds.
God saw that it was good.
God blessed them: "Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Ocean!
Birds, reproduce on Earth!"
It was evening, it was morning—
Day Five.

24-25 God spoke: "Earth, generate life! Every sort and kind:
cattle and reptiles and wild animals—all kinds."
And there it was:
wild animals of every kind,
Cattle of all kinds, every sort of reptile and bug.
God saw that it was good.

26-28 God spoke: "Let us make human beings in our image, make them
reflecting our nature
So they can be responsible for the fish in the sea,
the birds in the air, the cattle,
And, yes, Earth itself,
and every animal that moves on the face of Earth."
God created human beings;
he created them godlike,
Reflecting God's nature.
He created them male and female.
God blessed them:
"Prosper! Reproduce! Fill Earth! Take charge!
Be responsible for fish in the sea and birds in the air,
for every living thing that moves on the face of Earth."

29-30 Then God said, "I've given you
every sort of seed-bearing plant on Earth
And every kind of fruit-bearing tree,
given them to you for food.
To all animals and all birds,
everything that moves and breathes,
I give whatever grows out of the ground for food."
And there it was.

31 God looked over everything he had made;
it was so good, so very good!
It was evening, it was morning—
Day Six.

1 Heaven and Earth were finished, down to the last detail.

2-4 By the seventh day
God had finished his work.
On the seventh day
he rested from all his work.
God blessed the seventh day.
He made it a Holy Day
Because on that day he rested from his work,
all the creating God had done.

This is the story of how it all started,
of Heaven and Earth when they were created.

Sharing more than "wealth"

A couple years ago when I was a nanny I stumbled upon the AnySoldier program website, and thought it would be a great project for myself and the kids! I especially wanted to teach them about war and our freedom, especially since they were boys who enjoyed playing "fighting" video games (and what boy doesn't!).

The boys wrote thank you cards for the recipient soldier, and helped me fill the package with toiletries and treats. In addition I wrote up a letter that included sharing my faith, and also purchased an inexpensive Walkman and made a few tapes of encouraging Christian songs. I couldn't believe you could still buy Walkmans these days, but it was a lot cheaper than going all out for a Discman!

All this was before my frugal days...and, unfortunately, well before my CVS awareness! With my present stash of free goodies, though, I could send out several care packages and pay only postage!

About a month and a half later we finally received an email reply from our soldier, Fred, who had been given the care package. The boys LOVED getting a reply. Hearing from a real live soldier stationed in Afghanistan made this project seem less like a project and more real-life.

Fred and I continued to correspond, and he began asking some serious questions about spiritual things. Surprised by his own inquiries, as he is extremely skeptical by nature, Fred seemed genuinely curious, opening up a little bit more with each exchange of emails.

Eventually Fred became a believer all the way out there in the "sandbox", as he regularly referred to his location. Even today I am floored by the means God chooses by which to call His elect. Who would have thought our project would extend as far as a soul finding Christ?!

Well I became an AnySoldier junkie after that! When my pocket book began to suffer, I quit sending full-fledged care packages but kept sending letters. It was like I had found my own secret little ministry!

Hopefully the day will come when we won't have any soldiers overseas with care package needs!!! But since we do, we might as well take advantage of the opportunity to bless and encourage these military men and women. These people are far away from our capitalistic, consumerist society, and since they are surrounded every day by the reality of death, their hearts tend to grow soft and more open to the gospel!

Some time after our email exchange, Fred surprised us with a folded American flag which had been flown over Afghanistan in our honor! Complete with a certificate with my name! That was definitely one of the most thoughtful gifts I have received!

*A little bit of irony, the creator and founder of AnySoldier, Brian Horn, is originally from LaPlata, Maryland, just a jaunt up the road from where we live in California, Maryland! But when I first heard of the program, I was living in Minnesota!


"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" (John 13:34-35, ESV).

"My grace is sufficient for you..."

What a week! I don't even know where to begin, nor whether or not I have the emotional energy and mental organization needed to record my thoughts. We'll see how it goes.

Right now I am taking a much needed break. Starbucks didn't have good Wi-Fi so I walked down to Panera Bread with my white chocolate raspberry mocha and reluctantly ordered a scone. The latte is already too sweet, so I'll just save it for later. The atmosphere is way more comfortable here anyway, what with the cozy leather chairs and fireplace just a few feet away. It's finally sunny, the snow is melting, and it feels good to just sit and breathe.

Wow. Caring for a terminally ill parent is more than draining. I am exhausted just about every minute of the day. Since arriving here a week ago I have woken up early and gone to bed late. I feel pulled in two directions: 1. sit with Dad; 2. pitch stuff and organize the house. I could spend every minute of the day with my dad and I would, except that he tends to nap a lot. And even during those times I would linger and watch him sleep and pray over him, but that is prime time to work on the house. And I have only scratched the surface in that regard. You think you've got a pack rat family!

On top of everything, family members have been in and out, painting walls and repairing this and that and, while I cannot express how grateful I am for their help on behalf of my parents, I presently don't have the ability to deal with many people all at once. I almost feel like I picked the wrong time to travel to Minnesota because of all the activity. I'm struggling to deal with everything going on with my dad, and at this point I can't handle much more than that. Most likely, these are my last days to spend with my dad. We don't expect him to live more than a few more weeks, and we just can't afford to keep traveling back and forth like this. It is not ideal to live so far away with circumstances as they are, but we're just doing the best we can, and life has to go on. The house can wait, and my other relatives can wait, as much as some may disagree.

I did, however, get to meet my niece, Scarlett last week. What a doll! My brother and his wife came during the height of all the "clean sweep" pandemonium, and between everyone wanting to hold her, paint fumes, and the influenza quarantine at my dad's care center, the visit wasn't all it could have been. I am sort of disappointed, but we will get to see them again in a couple months when we come out for Memorial Day week. As things look, we may be coming out for a funeral between now and then, but I can't assume anything until it has happened. I got some pictures with Scarlett, but I haven't had a chance to upload them yet. The little tyke and I are going to be the best of friends. We are bonding already with the whole Gone With the Wind theme. She is Scarlett, and I am Scarlett's plantation, Tara. I know, I know....it's a stretch, but hey.

Believe it or not, the most draining aspect of this whole trip has been simply sitting with my dad. That will wear you out! It has been difficult just looking at him because he has lost so much weight. He is literally skin and bones, and it is heart-wrenching to know it is only going to get worse. Dad hasn't had an appetite since before his surgery last month, and on top of that he is nauseated. The care center nurses recently offered to give him an anti-nausea pill a half hour before meals, but they keep forgetting to get it to him on time, and only give a bunch of excuses when we remind them. But eating is the only thing that is going to keep him alive, and I am so frustrated with the nurses failing to do their job like that! I'm not going to be here more than another week and can't hold their hand. And I shouldn't have to. Nobody should. Gratefully, we finally talked my dad into receiving hospice services, which is actually a huge relief because the hospice nurse can serve as an advocate for him and take care of many of these kinds of things. They aren't kidding when they say hospice is just as much for the patient as for the family!

I have never felt so helpless as I have watching my dad throw up. One time he took one bite of cauliflower and couldn't keep it down. I had to hold the waste basket as he struggled to relieve the wave of nausea. It was the worst thing in the world. Thankfully, he hasn't had much of any other pain, which is absolutely God's mercy. Dad is groggy most of the day due to all the medication, and always extremely weak, but no pain. My grandfather died of bone cancer in the late 1970's, and you couldn't breathe on him or he would moan and wince in excruciating pain. My grandma couldn't even shuffle papers anywhere near him or his ears would pound. Not so with my dad. In spite of everything, that fact is a blessing, and I pray that God would continue to sustain him pain free until the very end.

Meals are the most difficult. He says he never thought he would dread mealtime. He used to love food. He remained lean throughout his life, despite eating three and four helpings at a time! Now he can't stomach even his normally favorite foods. My mom and I have supplemented his meals with other foods in case he can't eat what's on the menu. We listen intently for anything that might cue a food craving of any kind. When someone is this sick and this weak, they are encouraged to eat as much of whatever they can get down and keep down, the more caloric the better. If he mentions a food even randomly, you go with it. Canned fruits and Jell-O seem to do the trick, but he has also requested boiled potatoes, Coca Cola, vegetable beef soup, grapes, and even root beer floats, believe it or not! In fact, he would eat root beer floats all day if he could, but he knows he needs to focus on protein and nutrients as well. Yet it relieves me when he stops eating not because he feels sick, but because he is full! Those are very good moments!

Still, my dad is frustrated most of the day. He can't stand to be groggy and weak. He knows he will never get his muscle back, saying he can't stand to look at himself in the mirror. I tell him nobody says he needs to. He doesn't really complain, but he does express what he is feeling, which, as hard as it is, I think is a good thing. He feels at his worst just after waking up from a nap, and he sleeps probably half the day as it is. One time he woke up for dinner and told me, "I wish the Lord would just take me now." And then we got to talking and he perked up quite a bit. Reminiscing and asking him questions about his life or an interest of his seems to take his mind off his condition. He does very well with visitors and often brings out his well-known dry sense of humor. Then he grows tired again, though, and he's back down in the "pit". One night after a very encouraging conversation, out of the blue he said, "You know, it would really lift me up to know I was going to get better." I simply did not know what to say to that so I just left it. I can't disagree, and I can't discount his emotions. This is tough stuff.

His highs and lows are many every day, but I am so glad he isn't satisfied with the lows, because he never stays there. He will freely talk about his illness to anyone, telling it how it is. A few weeks ago my brother asked Dad if he had been sharing his faith with the nurses and others in the care center, because my dad has always been evangelistic, and a great example to me at that. In response to the question he paused, shook his head, and admitted no, he had not spoken of the Lord to anyone. Since then, however, he told me he has witnessed to more than a dozen people! He realizes that because of his condition he has an all-ears audience. We are so encouraged that he is able to glorify God by way of his testimony in this way. Who knows where these many seeds will land?

I've got to ditch out of Panera at the moment. Jeromy is flying in this afternoon, and my aunt Bev is going to stop by the care center around the same time. This has been such a needed break, and I feel refreshed and ready to go about the rest of the day and week. I have left a prayer hanging in the air for God to sustain me every moment I am here, and when you rely upon and really look for those answers to prayer, you find them over and over! This week has been so very hard, but God has been so good through it all, and He has strengthened my faith and trust. I am not surprised, but I normally get discouraged about life so quickly that I refuse to turn to God. Trusting is risky business, because in trust we are not promised an easier road. Yet in some crazy way, when we decide to trust, God gives us the specific grace we need for the moment. I only wish I would risk more and trust more, but my faith is most often as weak as my dad's physical being.

It has done my spirit good to write today.

Lion or Lamb?

Top Ten Signs of Spring (at least in my neck of the woods)....


10. Thunderstorms and windy days (oh and we've had a plenty already!)

9. Cherry blossoms starting to bud (and some sprang up overnight; get ready allergies! - not mine, hubby's, ha ha!)

8. Easter candy in the stores (why do I feel the need to buy just because something is free?!)

7. Neighborhood college kids are home on break and stay up way too late playing video games (on max volume, I might add!)

6. Daylight Savings Time (I am still off schedule)

5. Birds are singing (although they never left, and these guys seriously need to work on their harmony)

4. No more waking up early to check the news for school/work closings (it was fun while it lasted!)

3. Friends everywhere are giving birth (my friends Tracy, Leah, and cousin Janelle are all ready to pop! It's a baby race!)

2. Garage sale season starts! (Oh yeah!!!)


And the number one sign of Spring:




[insert drum roll here]




1. You drive to work freezing cold because you still have the car A/C blasting from a very warm yesterday afternoon and don't realize it until you've already pulled into the parking lot! (Believe it or not, this wasn't the first time, and I have a 25-minute commute! It was in the 30s this morning too!)

sitting and soaking

Looks like I'm headed to Minnesota again. Everyone we speak with over the phone who has spent time with my dad; the doctors, my mom, aunt, etc. all tell us we should probably fly out sooner rather than later. We are still planning on our trip in May, but anything can happen between now and then. Nobody knows how long my dad has left, but we just can't take the chance. You only have one father. Prayerfully, we'll get to spend both trips with him.

We decided that I will stay with my dad for a week or two. Jeromy might also come out for a few days, but we haven't decided for sure yet. We did find out, however, that airlines offer a hefty discount on airfare (I'm talking 50-70% off!), not only for berevement, but for individuals with seriously ill family members. We just have to prove that my dad is in a nursing facility or hospice, which the social worker at his care center will take care of. Wish we had known about this for our trip last month! Here are the details for Midwest and Northwest. I believe most other airlines also offer this type of discount:

Medical/Funeral Fare

Midwest offers a discounted rate for passengers to travel due to unscheduled medical treatment, to visit loved ones with life-threatening medical conditions, or to attend funeral services/memorials. Please call Midwest Airlines Reservations at 800-452-2022.

Northwest offers WorldPerks members a discounted medical emergency fare for last minute travel to visit immediate family members who are suffering ill health. Fares are valid for one-way and round-trip coach travel within the 50 United States or between the 50 United States and Canada . The ill family member must be confined to a hospital, nursing home, convalescent home or be registered with a hospice program. At the time of booking, passengers must provide emergency information that can be verified with the hospital, hospice program, home health care organization or the doctor.


One of the reasons we are choosing to go now is to spend time with him while he is most alert. Because my dad's body is unable to endure chemo treatment, they are instead putting him on all kinds of drugs for pain control, which make him unceasingly groggy and cloudy-headed. As this cancer continues to advance he will need more and more of these drugs. This is the prime time, if there is one, to interact with him.

My mom mentioned yesterday that my dad has lost even more weight and hardly gets out of bed. He needs encouragement of every sort right now, because we aren't ready for him to give up just yet. I believe God can strengthen his body enough to go back to physical therapy. The doctors say chemo is unthinikable at this point, but I am willing to see if we can get him beyond this point. And even if he only continues to decline, at least we can say we tried the best we could, and that we were able to share a few of his last days with him.

Pray that we can encourage his spirit and that he would encounter the Lord even while he is still in this broken body. He needs Him more than he needs us. Jeromy and I discussed possibly talking about Heaven with him. Helping him to look forward to what awaits believers on the other side. I want to read to him; I'm not sure if anyone has been doing that, other than a few verses here and there by his pastor. I want to at least try to dig deep, ask him what's going on in his heart. So far he has opened up in this way to no one, that I know of. Yet I feel it is a crucial piece in the process of dying. I have never gone very deep with my dad, so this a little scary. I just feel God laying it on my heart.

I keep praying that the Lord would give him as much quality of life as he can experience at this point. This could be an utmost beautiful time in the lives of my whole family if we really soak in all that God is pouring out on us. I want us, and especially my dad, to view the little things in life as gifts from God and to enjoy them as blessings. The abilty to eat, to look outside, to blink, to sleep, to breathe, to cry....to spend a few minutes visiting with a family member or friend, to open his Bible and read his Savior's words and find spiritual nurishment. And, of course, to smile.

My mom had a nurse take this photo of the two of them a couple days ago. And would you look at that? He smiles as though none of this is happening to him. Oh that God were already answering my prayer.

just when you least expect it

My dad is in the hospital. Again. Actually, he has been for a few days now. Everything was going great and he was making progress at the TCU, but then he somehow caught pneumonia and developed a blood clot in his lung. Jeromy and I spoke with my dad over the phone just the night before they re-admitted him and he sounded as well as everyone there had been stating. He seemed the most alert that we've noticed, sounded positive, and even cracked a few jokes! I guess pneumonia can come upon slowly and then hit a person like a hurricane. Needless to say, these events have caused quite a set-back.

The original goal was for my dad to remain at the TCU until his immune system and muscles became strong enough to endure chemo therapy. Now that his lungs are listed as susceptible to blood clots, the TCU will not allow him to return. Presently, they have him in the Telemetry (heart) wing of the hospital to monitor the clot, and then will move him to the cancer floor. Yesterday afternoon Jeromy and I phoned into a re-grouping “care conference” to reassess treatment goals and figure out where to go from here. We are no longer looking at the same goals.

My dad has only grown weaker and is still very thin. Yet, he has been a champion at eating, despite his lack of appetite. He has received ten times better the nutrition than he has over probably the last two decades! Always on the run with his trucking job, he used to consume two meals a day instead of three, and maybe a snack of a Kwik Trip hot dog or McDonald’s hamburger. So to know he is eating three nutritional squares a day was something I had been hoping to play up as encouragement for him to continue. Once we get him eating well, I thought, then his immune system can follow, and then with continued rehab, we can kick this cancer with chemo!

Due to the recent changes, however, it sounds like chemo is no longer the glimmering option we once thought. I am still a little confused on the specific reasoning, but all of a sudden in the care conference we were talking about terms such as “comfort care” and “hospice” instead of palliative care and chemo and getting stronger and going home! The doctor heading up the meeting went as far as to say the chances of taking chemo have since fallen into pretty much the miracle category. And without chemo, unless God seriously intervenes here, my dad has just a few short months left with us.

All this in a matter of a few days! What is the deal here?! Of course, there is no way I am going to give up even the slightest bit of hope I have that my dad can get strong enough to receive treatment. He has just faced a lot of difficult hurdles all at the same time: the cancer itself; major surgery; wound infections; fevers; complete muscle, energy, and appetite loss; and now pneumonia and blood clots. Actually, when you consider all of these things, fact that my dad is still fighting is in itself a miracle! And although I have said in previous posts that we do not place our trust in doctors or rehab or chemo, it is difficult not to question how circumstances which looked even a little optimistic just the other day have so quickly and drastically turned for the worst. I know the story is not over yet, and that anything can happen, but we are naturally discouraged. We are left with a lot of decisions, which are painful no matter how you approach them.

Simply, we are losing a great man who has already dealt with more hardship in his life than a lot of people (although, I know hardship is so extremely relative). I told Jeromy last night that if this is God’s way of quickly taking my dad “home”, I hope God more than restores all of the brokenness he has experienced in his life, even beyond what the average Christian can look forward to. And I know I am talking crazy and out of my head because I know that the least of Heaven will wildly exceed the expectations of every believer combined. Still, I want my dad to draw his first spirit breath assured that every heartache and suffering he ever experienced on earth was worth even that first tastes of Heaven. And I know that’s how it will be. But I still have this overwhelming desire for God to extend bigger grace to him, whatever that even looks like.

Perhaps God also wishes to extend bigger mercy to my dad, and I'm not dismissing the fact that these turn of events could be just that. While I want my dad to stick around and live life as long as possible, I also don’t want to see him go through a lot of pain and misery. If his quality of life is going to be poor, maybe the best thing is for God to take him out of his diseased body and heal him for real. For good. The hardest thing for me is not that my dad could pass away in the near future, it has more to do with watching him struggle through this and not being able to make any of it go away.

And for some reason it has not been easy to pray for my dad. I think there are possibly a couple of variables causing this. For one, there are so very many people all across the nation who continually tell us they are daily lifting my dad up in prayer. Perhaps I am unconsciously using this as a cop-out. It's just easier to let others pray my prayers. The truth is that God can use my prayers too! This is my dad and I should be the one praying the longest and hardest!

As much as I have read and studied (even taken a college theology course), I don’t think I will ever be able to crack the mystery of prayer. God seems to move with or without prayer, in which His will is always carried out. Yet there is no question in my mind that God uses (and probably prefers to use) the prayers of believers as part of the process. What a blessing for Him to have His children come to Him in their time of need! And what a blessing for His children to, in this specific way, take part in God’s plan! We pray for what we want and need with the understanding that God will always do what is best, regardless of how our emotions might bend those prayers.

People from my family’s every acquaintance have bowed the knee on behalf of my dad. I’m sure most are praying for miraculous healing, life-extending control of the disease, quality of life, grace, mercy, or all of the above. Hopefully each of them are also praying for God’s will at the same time. I know am covering all the above, because I don’t know the mind of God in this situation. I only know that God is good and, despite my struggle with faith, I have no doubt that His goodness will reflect in every way regarding His plan for my dad. That’s all I know. And that’s all I should have to know.

The other reason I think prayer for my dad has been tough is because it instantly reveals emotions that are difficult. Distance certainly plays into this. When we were in Minnesota my dad's situation was all I could think about all week, as I had absolutely nothing else to think about. I was allowed to let the circumstances consume me. It was the reason we were there. But now I am a thousand miles away and, while I don't want to become desensitized to what my family is dealing with back home (and the truth is, we are still dealing with it here!), it cannot control my thoughts and energy as before. I still have to work. I still have to concentrate on the tasks at hand and, as difficult as it is, continue to live life here in Maryland.

I have felt torn this way ever since we returned from Minnesota two weeks ago. I fear that if I think too much and allow my heart to actually feel, I will become worthless in my responsibilities and I will feel all the more helpless in that I am here and my family is there. It is easier to just stick with the facts. Keep my emotions at a safe distance since out here I am not given the time nor the freedom I need to fully express them. So I hold back.

In that light, I need prayer. Pray that I might pray for my dad, and that in praying, I might discover the blessing in the process.

I was driving home from work yesterday (shortly after the tele-care conference) thinking about all of these things, while sounds from a CD drifted in and out of my consciousness. Jeromy had received a gift card for CBD for his birthday last month, and he had a little money leftover and wanted me to pick out a CD. I chose the latest offering from Sara Groves, "Tell Me What You Know". I had never actually purchased anything by her before, but I love the radio singles with her thoughtful voice and poignant lyrical style. Well, and she's a fellow Minnesotan, what can I say?

I'm funny about listening to a new CD. If I pop it on in the car I often get stuck on a certain song, so that I keep it on repeat until I know it by heart, having not even finished listening to the rest of the songs! With Sara Groves I got stuck on track #6 because of its easy harmony, and I didn't move beyond track #6 until yesterday's drive home.

I have to be honest that I'm sometimes tempted to lay out a fleece. The whole, 'God, if I do this, You prove you're there by doing this or that'. I know it's old testament and that God doesn't work that way these days, and besides, it shows a lack of faith. In defense, I claim Mark 9:24. I certainly don't mean to do this, and it's usually not serious, but more like a cry out for a little compassion. As I was driving and thinking and half-listening to Sara's soothing melodies, an entirely random thought came into my head, which prompted me to skip to track #9. I just needed something, and I thought maybe there would be a song on the CD that might speak to my family's situation. God's Word encourages, but there are definitely many other way in which He draws near to us. I had no idea that the song for track #9 was called "It Might Be Hope" until I got to the chorus. And while I know that God is always there, I seemed to especially realize it in the three minutes that followed. The lyrics indeed spoke to my heart and turned it to Emmanuel at a much needed moment.

I am becoming more and more of a believer in a God Who pours out His compassion to those who seek it and even to those who need it and are not aware of their need. I have experienced both.


IT MIGHT BE HOPE

You do your work the best that you can
you put one foot in front of the other
life comes in waves and makes it's demands
you hold on as well as your able

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
it's been dark since you can remember
you talk it all through to find it a name
as days go on by without number

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
it's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope

- Sara Groves

In other news...

My brother, Justin and his wife, Bekka just welcomed their first child into the world on Tuesday, February 26, 2008. Scarlett Kay Nelson was born at 6:35pm central time, weighing 8lb 11oz and measuring 21 inches long. This little one is my parents' first grandchild! (And the pressure is off of us for a while!) We are hoping she will be able to take my dad's mind off his cancer and instead focus his heart on his God and his family.


proud daddy Justin, proud grandma, Linda


Mommy Bekka and baby


Going out in that nasty Minnesota weather! She looks half like Mommy and half like Daddy!


Happy family!


Stealing his heart already!


Finally home!

Another 3-Day Weekend

I'm in the middle of working on other posts but I keep getting side-tracked. Would you believe school children all over Maryland, DC, and Virginia (and the staff at SMCCRC) all get to enjoy yet another snow day?!

Technically, it's a freezing rain day but a day nonetheless, in which I do not need to go into work. Never mind that I have a ton of follow-up calls to complete by the end of the month, not to mention a hefty stack of Spring die cut samples yet to make for new providers. Eh. Cuddling up on the couch in my husband's fleece for a blogging session strikes my fancy a little bit more than interrupting parents who are presently dealing with their kids out of school, only to ask how they might rate our child care referral service! Yes, blogging is much more fun! The Bible is read, the house is clean, and there are leftovers for dinner; any blogger knows what naturally comes next on the list!

I awoke at 5am this morning to check the school closing status of our county. At first St. Mary's didn't make the list. Not even a 2 hour delay! There had been so much hype all week about this treacherous "winter weather" looming across the region that I found it difficult not to get my hopes up. The hype had unfortunately dwindled by last night, so I couldn't assume we would be off today. (Wow, I am so morbid, wishing for dangerously bad weather!) As far as I could tell by looking outside, light rain was all we were getting. Though I realized the unlikeliness of another snow day, I was still disappointed to discover that neighboring Calvert County had closed, but not we. There would be no jumping back in bed for me.

For once Jeromy and I had actually stayed up past 11:00 last night, much later than we normally call it a night. I could have used a few more winks, although I am not one to take naps. Yet I love the fact that it was this culprit, which kept us up! I had made chili for dinner and so we invited company over to share it with us. After our guest left for the evening Jeromy and I spent a few mindless minutes surfing channels on TV, but when we landed on the Weta station I shouted to my husband from the depths of my being, "Stop!!!" And then we didn't move for two whole hours. Now Jeromy's all into it! I figure a girl should get to have her turn, particularly after sitting through every minute of the Lord of the Rings movies. However, since the two of us normally do not stay up past 9pm, we will have to rent us a copy so Jeromy can quit biting his nails in suspenseful wonder of whether Lizzie and Darcy will ever get over themselves and get together! (Is this too freakish, or is this every wife's dream?) He will be quoting lines like the rest of us soon enough! I can see him at work now: "I shall conquer this, I shall!" Sort of a replacement to the Staples' slogan, "That was easy!" However, I don't think I could get used to Jeromy calling me "the handsomest woman of his acquaintance" in public or in private. I may need to restrain his enthusiasm if it gets too out of control!

Back at the ranch...for the purpose of nothing more than rebelling against the realization that I would need to start getting ready for work, I decided to make breakfast and instead continue watching the news and checking the district website. You just never know! I couldn't believe it when I refreshed the screen at 5:30 on the dot to watch the status miraculously change from "Normal" to "Closed". I refreshed the screen a few more times just to be sure I wasn't seeing things. But two minutes later the weather man on the news confirmed the closing. Yippee for icy roads!

I love my job, but I also love days off! I work in a very small office, not even twenty of us. A few of the more middle-aged ladies have - more than once - referred to themselves as the "Pampered Princesses". Now, I have not officially joined their ranks, but I do enjoy a few of the perks!

And on a Friday and non-workout day, too! Oh, they shouldn't have! This meant actual snuggle time in the morning with Jeromy (oh the days before kids!) and even a spontaneous trip to Dunkin' Donuts where we snagged an excellent deal combining coupons with a promotion they are having this week! Plus, the nice cashier allowed me to keep my coupon to use next time and still marked down the price! Whenever does that happen? You would think paying $3.50 for two medium lattes and two donuts would keep anyone permanently out of Starbucks, but these lattes tasted a little too fake for my preference. Yet they served up the necessary latte "fix" and offered the inexpensive novelty of an unexpected early morning coffee date.

Doesn't get much better than that!

dress in layers

Forgive me, but my technologically novice brain just learned how to embed a link, and I ran with it!

As I type, it is a sunny, pleasantly breezy 72 degrees down here in Southern Maryland (capris weather!), and I just came back from a refreshing afternoon spent running errands! Refreshing, in that I'm not stuck all day in that stuffy phone room! But oh, to be sitting right now with my sweetie on the dock at Piney Point Lighthouse, one of our favorite places and actually, the site of our engagement! That would cap the afternoon with perfection! Maybe I'll have to talk him into a short jaunt after dinner. The lighthouse stands almost literally down the road from us!

But wait! Didn't we just have a snow day?!

Normally, I groan when the mercury climbs above 50, and sometimes above 40! I have thus far thoroughly enjoyed wearing long pants and sweaters for the last few months. I'm definitely not ready for the Great Maryland Sweat quite yet! Yet today is just nice.

Winters here are generally short-lived and mild, although sometimes you just never know what you're going to get! As far as this formerly (and happily) frozen Minnesotan is concerned, there are few redeeming qualities of a Southern Maryland "Winter". Only three that I can think of off the top of my head.

For one, the fact that drive through ice cream stands such as Brusters remain open year round. Seriously, every Friday night in January you will see a line of people with zipped-up coats and gloves on, debating between a sundae and a split! And I thought I was the hearty one!

I can label the second quality only slightly redeeming, and that is because it is a quality which, in the summer, I no less than abhor. And that is, damp air. Hallelujah, no static, fly-away hair! Earlier in the month when we were in Minnesota, I dealt with some extremely dry air. I can't believe I had forgotten this vice, which I had encountered and constantly fought with my whole life up until 2 1/2 years ago! The whole week Jeromy asked why I was continually licking my fingers. Well, I didn't exactly carry a spray bottle around on my person, and nobody likes their hair sticking to their neck and chin all day! What was worse, we spent most of our stay in the hospital with my dad, an environment regulated to block all moisture from the air for the purpose of constant sterilization. My hair looked great as I looked in the mirror at the motel every morning, but I quickly and sadly learned that a ponytail would be in order the rest of the day.

NOT so in Southern Maryland! Fly-aways do not survive these wet winters! However, what I won't get into just yet are the nasty, wet-blanket-muggy summers we must suffer through. You will do well to trust me on this. If you do not own a boat or live on the water or both, you are better off staying put exactly where you are!

I alluded to the third redeeming quality of Southern Maryland Winters when I mentioned our raging blizzard of a snow day last Thursday. One measly inch! If that. And the last flake fell long before the light of day! Inclement weather, ha! It snowed every single day we spent in Minnesota, with conditions at least 10 times worse than here! But of course, the Midwest is much better prepared for that sort of weather, so I guess I can't poke fun TOO horribly at the sissies who live here.

The best part about the Great Valentine's Day White Out was that every last bit of snow melted by the end of the day, with high daytime temperatures reaching 50 degrees! I LOVE the fact that Southern Marylanders can't deal with snow! I don't even care if that puts me into the sissy category if it means I get to play hooky!

Now, I don't know who came up with the policy that should county schools ever delay or close that my office follows suit, but I have absolutely no complaints whatsoever! This was our first official snow day of the winter, although we were delayed two hours one morning a couple of months ago (of which I was oblivious to until I pulled into an empty parking lot at work and at which point I doodled around for the two whole hours before even considering starting up the copy machine!). Most often the schools close due to ice (but they flinch at the very rumor of white stuff all the same), just because we tend to get more freezing rain than snow. Ice does scare me, but I am more afraid of other people on the road who freak out and can become reckless in that state of mind. If I were Governor O'Malley, I would close schools not so much because of actual snow or ice, but because of the drivers!

What I find absolutely ironic is that last year on the very same day we got blasted with an ice storm. And it weren't no "glistening tree" icicle, either. Nobody should have been forced to go out in that skating rink; yet for some twisted reason, the governor chose to keep school in session! The weather only worsened as the day progressed. When it was finally time to leave the office I went outside to chisel my door open and scrape the windows. Had I known better I would have left early like half my co-workers, even without pay! Der!

I have to say, I'm a little paranoid about locking my keys in my car, and especially while it's running. (It's happened before!) It's so easy to accidentally press the "lock" button and not realize it, so I rarely shut the door if the keys are in the ignition. However, I have since learned to keep a spare key in my purse....but what if the purse is also in the car? (Also happened before!) Anyway, my paranoia kicked in while I was out there scraping away in the whipping wind and dangerously slippery parking lot. I just about finished when I lost my footing. My arms went up to insinctively grab the open door for support, but my head was quicker and my right temple slammed into the sharp corner of the door. I about lost consciousness, the side of my head went numb, and of course, the site of the wound started bleeding.

Long story short, I rushed home as safely as possible in that mess (head pounding all the way), and Jeromy insisted I visit the ER. We ended up staying there for FOUR hours that night because of so many people with ice-related accidents that kept coming in. There went Valentine's Day!

I know it can be difficult to predict how weather conditions will actually go down (no pun intended) but I can't for the life of me figure out why they didn't close schools last year with that crazy ice storm, and why they did close this year, which seemed like an unwise decision, with conditions clearing up by daybreak. Of course, I'm still not complaining, only wishing that I could have been spared that ER visit last year. It had cost me not only the four miserable hours, but a $50 co-pay and a tetanus shot to boot!

But while, under more typical circumstances, I breathe deeply of our Winters, today it is Spring. And a holiday, at that! I am not sure why lucky me gets all the federal holidays off while my husband has to slave away at his desk, but I am quite grateful for these few hours to not only catch up on that to-do list, but simply to rest and enjoy the day. (I have to force myself most of time!) The last few weeks especially have been a stressful whirlwind for us and, though a labor of love for my family, President's Day came just in time! Through our screen door I can hear the wind blowing, birds chirping, and neighborhood kids playing outside. You can take Southern Maryland in the summer, but I'll take today!

I can only hope for another snow day!

whispering hope

All I want to do is write a fun, light-hearted post, but I can't ignore the fact that my dad has terminal cancer, and that it has so greatly impacted our lives over the past two weeks. Try as I may, it cannot be ignored.

Our trip to Minnesota was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. Although we went to support and help my family in any and every way possible (and hopefully achieved that goal), the majority of the time we spent there I felt numb and helpless. I could not cry in the presence of my dad. Either that or I just refused. I did not want him to see my fear, nor cause him to focus any more on the negative. All of this has been so very hard for us as it is.

We spent most of our time at the hospital, but rented a room at the Super 8 to provide the opportunity to get away and re-group at the end of each day. This proved to be a good choice. We think our rental car may have worn a permanent trail on the road leading from the motel to the hospital. Back and forth. Get up early, stay up late. Run, run, run! Go, Jane, go!

Let me take a moment to just say how amazing my husband has been through all of this. Last week my dad repeatedly referred to Jeromy as a "tower of strength". Once we heard that my dad would not be returning to work, Jeromy volunteered to help look into early retirement. We quickly realized how unprepared my parents were for any event remotely of this size and that this would become more of a project than we bargained for. Still, Jeromy worked tirelessly to get everything sorted out and set up. We are back in Maryland and STILL working on the financial situation. (SO overwhelming.) I am extremely grateful for such a supportive, compassionate, and resourceful man who is willing to take on a load such as this for his father-in-law. He allowed me to spend much needed time just sitting with my dad while he ran ragged collecting a million official documents and applying my dad to every single available service. He is, indeed, a tower of strength.

It was absolutely fantastic to see familiar faces appear now and again at the door of my dad's room. Besides his immediate family, my dad had at least two or three different visitors every single day! Some of whom I hadn't seen in quite some time! It was nice to not have to drive all over the state to see so many family and friends, as is normally the case when we come to visit. This time everyone drove to see us! If there was one, the visitors were probably the highlight of the trip. As each visitor turned to leave I tried to stress how much of an encouragement it was for them to come, and to make sure they understood the seriousness of my dad's condition. Without being specific I was hoping they would consider paying another visit in the near future, whether in the hospital or elsewhere. To continue the support they have so far personally and publicly given. He needs it. I would be there if I could.

Probably the most difficult moment was seeing my dad for the first time. He used to be ripped. Every single day of his post-Navy existence, he has done his push-ups. He might have missed a day here and there due to an occasional case of the flu, but my dad's faithful morning push-up routine could squash the best of the best! Seeing my dad in the hospital, though, I could tell his push-ups have long since taken a sabbatical. In fact, he told us that he hasn't exercised in over two months! That should have been a sure sign something was up, although he didn't get checked out until weeks later. It was absolutely horrible to see my dad looking the way he did, especially that first night. He has lost literally every ounce of his muscle, and his skin looked like his mother's (my grandmother's) skin well into her 80's. The person I saw in that hospital bed was not my dad, but reality has it that it was and is.

The short of my dad's prognosis is that cancer will take his life. The doctors were quite clear that he has advanced stage 4 colon cancer, and because it has already devoured 3/4 of his liver and has spread to even other organs, no amount of drug therapy can cure this monster. My dad will receive what they call "palliative" care, which will involve chemo to hopefully stop future spread of the cancer cells, and even possibly shrink some of what is already there. Basically a life-prolonging method.

According to the doctors, my dad has 6-8 months to live if he decides against chemo treatment. With chemo, however, and depending on how his system responds to the drug, he could potentially live another 2-3 years. Either way, the news is hard to take.

I realize God still works miracles, and I believe that He has both power and ability to heal my dad completely, but I also know that He most often does not work beyond or in spite of natural processes. I believe God could very well prolong my dad's life beyond what the doctors project. Yet, if God were to completely heal my dad this side of heaven, there are many intricate smaller miracles that would need to transpire within the bigger one for that to happen.

For instance, the major surgery my dad underwent just before our arrival forced the surgeon to remove 9 out of 20 feet of his colon for the reason that the blockage of perhaps 6 or more months had built up an unbelievable pressure and had caused the colon to literally burst open on the operating table. Yeah. Not pretty. It's not like he can grow back 9 feet of colon! Also, the fact that the cancer is already stage 4 (the highest stage and the fastest spreading) implies "point of no return". A body can safely live on 1/4 of a liver, but it is difficult for me to believe that can last for very long without complications.

Another huge hurdle my dad needs to overcome (and before any of this chemo can start) is recovering from surgery itself. He needs to be at least a good 6-7 weeks completely recovered before his blood cells and immune system can take another harsh blow. As it is, my dad was in the hospital for 2 full weeks, and just yesterday he needed a blood transfusion. They finally discharged him, though because of recent infection his wounds have not yet healed. Also, there are still huge amounts of swelling, and he has yet to regain some sort of appetite. Since the surgery, he has been forcing food down his throat, so that it takes him nearly an hour to finish a meal instead of the typical 5 or so minutes it used to take him to polish off a couple good helpings. So he has a long way to go.

All this to say he should have been out of the hospital a week ago, but for these hinderances . And by "out of the hospital" I don't mean "at home". The next stepping stone for my dad is a Transitional Care Unit (TCU). This is basically a rehab facility where he will continue physical therapy and also begin occupational therapy, until he is strong enough and capable of living at home and caring for his wounds and ostomy bags. (There are two bags, due to the discarded portion of the colon.) My parents have already chosen a TCU, one that is within walking distance for my mom. In fact, he was just transfered there this afternoon. Part of the facility is a nursing home, but we are trying to steer everyone away from using that term so my dad doesn't get the feeling we are putting him "out to pasture". That's just the way these places opperate. Most serve several purposes. But yes, old fogies also live there. And regardless, this is a temporary situation. Yet, it is only after my dad serves adequate time at the TCU can anyone even begin to think about chemo. Long, long road.

There are so many questions our human hearts beg to ask:

*Why did my dad endure 6 whole months of nasty symptoms before even considering getting checked out?
*And, with the unbelievably steep health insurance premium he was paying every month, why did he never pursue regular physicals?
*Why did he refuse long and short-term disability through his company?
*Why don't my parents have life insurance?
*Why has my dad always chosen to remedy the immediate need instead of looking to the future?
*Why didn't he look into VA benefits from the start?
*Why did he allow a lay-off from a job he was good at to force him into a trucking job with erratic, unhealthy hours?

But we really can't ask, and when it comes down to it, we really don't want to. The worst thing we could do is to resent my dad for causing this mess. What good would that do? Sure, there are some better choices he could have made in his life, but he only did what he thought was best at the time. He is not perfect, and I cannot say I would have done any better! The truth is that cancer is part of my dad's life, and we can only look to today and pray for tomorrow.

(However, what I will say in light of the above questions is that we certainly learned a BIG lesson with regard to planning for the future! DO IT!)

Of course, my dad's life is in God's hands, no matter how you look at it. His days have been numbered since Eternity past, as with each of us. Cancer is God's will for my dad, whether he had caught it a year or two earlier, or whether he had delayed getting checked out even longer, in which case his colon could had exploded internally and left him to die on the spot.

It is what it is and we can only look forward with hope. The assuring, redeeming kind of hope.

More than our concern for my dad's physical condition is our concern for his spiritual. You spend one minute with the man and you can see depression all over his face. And for good reason. He is dealing with major change in his life. However, he did seem to perk up whenever anyone would stop by. But he won't read, including the Word, and that is troubling to me. I just hope some person will come alongside him and mentor him through this. Point him repeatedly back to Christ. That is his most pressing need right now. It is hard to believe that a man so extremely intelligent in matters of theology as he, can allow this trial, painful and scary as it may be, to get him this down. He is a child of the King, after all! In fact, while looking for certain documents at the house, we ran across his college doctrine notes from the 1970's, and I'm talking whole drawers full! This is his time to finally learn to live out the theology he claims to know. What good is knowledge unless it is useful?

Whatever we believe about God's will, we know that this path is chosen for us. We must take it because going back is not an option. This time in my family's life is designed to bring us closer to Him and to give us new ways in which to serve as God's "hands and feet". My dad's old college roommate offered my dad a wonderful statement while stopping in for a visit last week. He said, "Gary, this cancer is not all about you. This cancer is certainly an opportunity for God to extend His grace to you, but this cancer is also for you to allow that grace to flow to others by the testimony of your faith, both to Christians and non-Christians, to family, friends, nurses, doctors, and to those you have yet to meet."

And so it is with me and everyone else remotely touched my dad's cancer. I know that this is his fight of faith, but I wish I could help him believe that all this is for God's glory, and that he shouldn't waste this opportunity to live out God's grace. These are tough issues, and I struggle daily with them myself. I just hope he "gets" this message, and sooner rather than later.

Right now my dad is operating on empty. We keep trying to encourage him and bring Water to his dry Spirit, but what he does with all of that is solely up to him. We can't make him read his Bible, pray, or meditate on spiritual truths. All I know is that if my dad can firmly grasp these concepts, there is great potential for the next few days, weeks, months, and hopefully years to becoming the very best of his life and his closest walk with the Lord. THIS is the kind of miracle I am hoping and praying for!!!

Chemo or not, we trust in Christ! He is the hope of our salvation and our Rock!

"Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he will answer him from his holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. O Lord, save the king! May he answer us when we call" (Psalm 20:6-9).

*****

For anyone who would like to send my dad a note, below is the address. Also, if you are ever in the neighborhood, my dad would love a visit. He is currently staying at St. Louis Park Plaza. I've also listed that address below.

Gary Nelson
3341 Zinran Avenue South
St. Louis Park, MN 55426

St. Louis Park Plaza
3201 Virginia Ave S
Minneapolis, MN 55426
(952) 935-0333

praying for you

I often have a hard time coming up with the right words to encourage someone who is hurting. I feel my words are never meaningful enough, or that they sound cliche, and I always want to do so much more than offer my love and prayer. I wish I could say I've "been there", that I know what they are going through, but I really can't because everyone's pain is entirely different. So I normally just feel at a loss.

Well, just I learned for the first time in my life that all those words I have spoken to many individuals over the years really have mattered. I now know without a doubt that they were heard and that they made more of a difference in those people's lives than I ever would have guessed.

The words of support and encouragement I have received over the last few days have been priceless. I'm sure many who heard about my dad feel the same as I, that their words are meager and trite, and lost among similar sentiments of others. If that is true of anyone, they couldn't be more wrong. Every single word offered has touched me both deeply and uniquely. To know that prayers are being lifted for my family in places all across the country (from Colorado, to Maryland, to Florida, to Hawaii!!!) has in itself sustained me. Words like "praying for you" might sound repetitive (as I've often thought, having numerously used that phrase) but I tell you, each word renews my hope and reminds me of God's mercy. You all remind me that my family is far from alone in this and that the Body still comes through for its weakened, ailing limb.

I will no longer feel discouraged the next time all I can think of to say is "I am sorry. I will pray for you. I am here for you." These are the words our human hearts really need to hear the most. I am grateful for everyone who has reached out to us in this way, both those who have voiced their support and those who simply and quietly pray. God will continue to use both to get us through this time.

I do not know what the week in Minnesota will look like. I wish this could be a pleasure trip, especially since I only get out there once or twice a year. But this trip is not for me. I know that my dad needs people around him as much as possible to keep his spirits up and to offer encouragement that he can draw from on occasions when he is left alone to his thoughts. He is still very down, often wondering what the future will hold. And that is very natural, yet everyone is trying to get him to focus on today and not tomorrow. We all need to live this way, and hopefully he will begin to understand that. We can't skirt the circumstances or pretend the cancer doesn't exist, but we can at least continue to point him to his hope in Christ.

We would like to get John Piper's "The Blazing Center" DVD series to hopefully foster the eternal perspective he so desperately needs. I know that "stuff" we give him won't heal his body. All we can do is encourage him with hope in Christ.

Today I talked to my dad on the phone for the first time since he went into the hospital. The phone is difficult for me. I didn't know what to say, and I heard myself saying, "uh-huh" a lot. He didn't talk much either. He definitely sounded weak and almost delirious. I could tell he is still in shock over the whole thing. I really didn't want to talk to him over the phone. It's just not the same as being there, especially since I knew I would freeze up like I did. But my mom asked if I wanted to talk to him while she was next to him so I had no choice. "Do you want to talk to your dad? Huh???" What was I supposed to say? No?

I have been an emotional roller coaster over the last 48 hours. I have to tell myself not to think about my dad all the time or I wouldn't be able to function. On the other hand, I don't want to go about life as though nothing is happening. I'm just torn, and every other minute my frame of mine is different. I realize that I need to keep on living, just like my dad needs to, but it's not easy to do both. At times I don't feel I have the right to laugh, or watch a fun movie, or eat a yummy dessert. I'm not supposed to be doing those things - my dad is sick! And yet I know I it is probably the best thing for me to especially enjoy these things because I have to live with hope too. I can't tell my dad to do one thing and than I do another. I can't take his pain for him by living in doom and gloom. I need to set the example.

But...but...but...regardless of any encouragement we give him, reality continues to stand that my father has terminal cancer. What does one DO with that??????

Dad Update

Thank you all for the prayer support. It is invaluable to us.

The doctors performed surgery on my dad yesterday. His colon burst once they opened him up, due to the tumor blockage and unbelievable pressure, so the doctors had to create not one, but two colostomies, one on each side of his stomach. The cancer is too severe in both his colon and liver and it is too late to remove. He will most likely go through chemo and/or radiation to prolong his life.

My father has always been one to avoid going to the doctor because he either thought whatever he was feeling would "go away" or he was afraid of what they would find. Well here we go. The good news (if there is any) is that, should he have gone in 6 months earlier when the abdominal pain first started, the cancer may have still been almost as severe. In fact, they say he may have had it for two whole years and never knew it! My brother likened colon cancer to a "thief in the night" that forms without much symptom at first. Of course, had my dad received regular physicals, they may have caught it before it became of too much. But we can't look back in regret because he is at this point, and we can't change that.

My dad is very discouraged right now. He thought he was just going to get a colonoscopy a couple days ago to test for thyroid issues and be on his way, and now his life is changed forever. Doctors say that if he hadn't come in he wouldn't have lasted until next Christmas. So that's another praise, I guess. I need to keep that perspective.

This man has already had a rough life, and I just hate to see him go through even more. He is 64 and was planning on retiring in October, but I guess this will push things up a bit. He has always been anxious about money, and has already been voicing concern about paying for the medical bills. Please pray that my dad would just concentrate on living, and trust God to take care of everything else. He needs peace right now. He doesn't need to be dwelling on negative thoughts.

Pray for the rest of my family also, especially my mom. This will be a new life for them and everyone is still in shock. It is crazy how life can throw a curve just like that. Yet this didn't surprise God, and my prayer is that all this will strengthen their faith, and mine.

Jeromy and I leave for Minnesota Monday morning, for a week. I didn't want to use accrued leave time because we had also recently purchased airfare to spend a week in Minnesota at the end of May. Go figure. I do have 3 personal days in addition to annual leave, and I am also allowed leave without pay, and will use both. This will also allow us to keep our plans to go back in May. Time will tell how things will be by then. Hopefully better, in spite of everything.

Pray for God to sustain us during this visit, and that we will have the right words to say and the strength to help out wherever needed.



Above: Dad reading one of my favorite Golden Books!
Below: My wedding! (My brother Justin, dad Gary, & mom Linda Nelson with the love birds)

Blessed be the name of the Lord

My dad has cancer.

Coke and not water

People are funny. Funny things happen. I like funny stories, especially if they are real. This is one of them.

Not too long into the beginning of our relationship, Jeromy and I visited a quaint little Vietnamese restaurant in our little (minus the quaint) county. I really wasn't a fan of Asian food until I met Jeromy. I can seriously count on one hand the number of times I had ever eaten at an Asian restaurant B.J. (Before Jeromy). And La Choy chow mein doesn't count. My mom made me eat it. I highly dislike water chestnuts.

Once Jeromy and I started dating I quickly developed a taste for Asian food, and now we regularly make dishes like Thai curry chicken and other types of stir fly. (If only we had registered for that wok at BB&B!) Thai is our favorite, bar none. Jeromy is the curry freak. I'll eat it, but the fish sauce gives me horrible nausea. I'm a less traditional Asian food lover. I won't get anywhere near menu items that include duck, rabbit, sushi, or squid. I always make sure they leave the onions off my Pad Thai (I enjoy water chestnuts better than onions...texture, texture!). Regardless, Jeromy is a well-rounded fellow when it comes to international cuisine, and it has since rubbed off on me. Although, he can keep his predilection for Indian food! He will have to work on me a little longer for that one.

Upon arriving at the Hot Noodle, the hostess proceeded to seat us in their signature high-backed booths (go privacy!), and we began to scour the menu for something to drink. Normally Jeromy and I order water whenever we eat out, just because it saves on both the bill and tip, and besides that the natural thirst quencher always wins over less healthy varieties like pop (yes, I'm from the Midwest, but West Virginians also say pop, so I learned from marrying one!), which we rarely consume.

This particular evening, however, Jeromy couldn't resist the option of ordering a tall glass of coconut water. The Vietnamese place serves it with actual chunks/shavings of coconut floating in the beverage. I tried it and it's pretty good, though not very sweet. We decided on drinks and waited for our server, setting in for a romantic evening of looking longingly into each other's eyes (oh, the days before sitting on the same side of the booth!).

Our server never came.

Now, there are two kinds of servers in this world (rarely have we encounter a balanced exception): "Annoying Little Sister", the stops-by-your-table-and-asks-how-you're-doing-every-30-seconds server, who asks how the food tastes before you have time to take a single bite. And then we have "Houdini", the-takes-your-order-and-disappears-into-the-night (or falls into a boiling vat of "Tom Ka Gai") server, who brings your food and bill at the same time. Well, that night we endured a big bag of tricks from the latter.

Moments before severe dehydration set in, we managed to flag Mr. Houdini to our table. (He finally noticed our cartwheels and jumping jacks from the other side of the room.) Although barely able to talk due to his poor parched throat, Jeromy managed to request his favorite beverage.

We enjoyed a few more minutes of beautiful company, complete with much under the table hand-holding.

Miracle of miracles, Houdini was back in a flash, holding up a tall, refreshing glass of....Coke?

"No, no...I'm sorry, " Jeromy tried to be polite. "I actually asked for coconut water."

"Oooooh. Ok! Be back." Even Houdini fails once in a while.

*Resume more googly-eye hand-holding.*

Houdini returned. And you wouldn't believe it, holding another glass of Coke! But...without ice.

We looked at each other in confusion. What was up with this guy? They must receive orders for dozens of glasses of coconut water every day.

"Uh, sir, I wanted COCONUT water." Jeromy tried a third time. "Cooooconu-----waaaaait a minute. No, no, no, I DON'T want Coc-a-cola with or without ice. I want co-co-nut wa-ter."

So that was it! Houdini thought Jeromy wanted Coke, and then he thought the "not water" part meant no ice! Coke and not water!

Jeromy finally received the real coconut water as requested, but we are still scratching our heads trying to figure out how a server at an Asian restaurant could mistake "coke and not water" for the novel coconut water! The events of this dinner date has since turned into a running joke between us, especially the few times Jeromy actually does order a Coke -- and not water!

sugar and spice and everything nice

Yesterday we had a young friend visit us for dinner. (Which means all that homemade pizza is long gone!) Jeromy met Chris about 3 years ago while Chris worked at the Coffee Quarter (the place Jeromy and I met). They started having spiritual conversations, and on occasion Chris would meet with Jeromy for a sort of Bible study. Since then, our contact with Chris has been random (this is a SMALL county; it's likely to run into everybody we know at some place or other at least once a year). He's a great young man, very polite, but also very secular. We don't have people in our home terribly often, and since pizza is a pretty universal favorite food, we thought we would ask him over.

We had a fun night of visiting. Ate too much, looked on www.somd.com for a table and chair set for Chris, and listened to a little Derek Webb. (We had been talking about the campaign year, and wanted Chris to listen to "Savior on Capitol Hill" for kicks. Complete satire, but so true.) Then I used our guest as an excuse to break out the brownie mix. (But really, who needs an excuse for that?!) and we ate....some more. I had been trying out different from-scratch brownie recipes I found on www.allrecipes.com but haven't found the winner yet. In the meantime, the box mix never lets me down.

Jeromy and I have a few friends here in Southern Maryland, but to be honest, not that many. And it seems they are all guys. You got Chris, Joe, and Mark. We really don't hang out with too many other people, outside of church (and we have found true fellowship doesn't actually happen at church...but that's a topic for another blog). Let me emphasize that I am so grateful for the friends God has given us, and the opportunities we have had to share experiences and talk about our faith. What I am missing is girl talk.

Jeromy and I used to be a part of a young adult Sunday School class, which consisted of mainly married couples, and about 3/4 of them with children. Some were our age and some were older. Over the last quarter we switched to a different Sunday School because we felt we weren't getting to know other people in the church. All the other classes scrambled the groups every couple months or so, and we felt there were so many faces that we recognized, but individuals we didn't know much about.

So we switched. A part of me missed the old group because they were our peers or close to it, but the other part of me enjoyed learning about this new group, at least as deep as we could one hour once a week (again, another blog!). Now we are at the end of another Sunday School quarter, and Jeromy and I will most likely go back to the young couples class.

There are a few girls in the group who I could get together with, but the events I seem to plan (and I make sure to give a lot of notice!) rarely provide a good turnout. Maybe people like more spontaneity, I don't know. But the point is, I struggle with getting together with my female peers for anything. It seems like people don't want to add anything extra to weekday evenings. I can empathize with that, just because we go to bed so early (we stink, yeah). But it seems that the guys we hang out with more readily agree to come by for a visit, or to meet somewhere for coffee or whatever. Maybe it is because those guys are single...I dunno.

There are a few ladies Bible studies organized by our church, but they are mid-morning on a weekday. And even then, those who attend those studies are SAHMs or older ladies. I do desire spending time with women older than me because they have a wealth of wisdom to draw from. But I also need that "same boat" type connection with someone my age and who can relate to my stage in life. It's just been hard to find that.

Sometimes it's difficult to go on Facebook and see all my friends from college. I realize many of them may be facing a similar dry spell. When I go on there I catch a glimpse of what used to be and it feels like we are all together again, even though we're not. It makes me wish we all lived close by because we would never lack for people to get together with. But they live THERE. I live here. Facebook is an amazing tool for keeping in touch with family and friends, but I will never "do life" with those people. Only those in my Southern Maryland sphere.

Which makes me think about the singles group at our church. They are ALWAYS participating in some activity or another. So is that what this is? Is this something that happens when one goes from being single to being married? Are married people less likely to hang out with other couples because of responsibilities they have now but didn't have while single? If that is true, I don't like it. Maybe I have to accept it but I feel like it shouldn't HAVE to be this way. We all need relationships with others outside our families at every place in life. But how will that realistically happen, now that I am married?

Maybe this is just a season in my life where I have to learn to be content without much girl-to-girl interaction. I'll keep trying, though. Maybe it's just a matter of timing.

Red Light, Green Light

On the way home from work the other night, a movement just up ahead in the sky caught my attention A massive flock of starlings were stretched across what seemed like the entire sky, fluttering like a giant ribbon. Whether just beginning their annual journey South or continuing on, their goal was unmistakable. From what I’ve noticed, Southern Maryland fowl tend to receive the “moving day memo” much later than those in my home state of Minnesota, the latter varieties mostly long past the mason-dixon line by the beginning of November. Here in the mid-Atlantic, the migration seems to occur in spurts over a period of months. Just when you think all those loud Canadian geese have left the premises, you are rudely awakened early one Saturday morning to a chorus of out of tune, insensitive shrieking. Who needs the annoying neighbor?

This particular late afternoon I found the birds fascinating. Their ability to swiftly and efficiently maneuver about the open sky seemed a slap in the face to us road-raging, vehicular commuters. No stop light, blinker, or speed limit necessary. Instinct would keep them safe to their destination, even taking weather conditions into account better than we! Where they thrive, we make a mess. Oh to exist as perfectly in accordance with the Creator as these feathered creatures!

Such sightings as these always leave me in wonder. I could just barely make out the head of the flock many miles beyond my little Alero, but the trail seemed to infinitely flow into the distance, the end nowhere in sight. There were just SO many birds! Usually I see the typical dozen or so flying off in that signature “greater than” sign, so to observe thousands upon thousands of little starlings all at once was nothing short of breathtaking. This was one of those “God sightings” that leave your jaw hanging and you mind swimming with “how” questions.

Moments like these can sure bring a gloriously fresh sense of perspective! So then why do I so often over look them? I'll tell you why. My typical day is filled to the brim with chore and duty and self-groping. I spend most of it in a tunnel; in my little world. And most people do. Therefore, it is extremely refreshing to occasionally notice something so outside and beyond myself where, in an instant, I lose my bitter attitude and even possibly bid farewell to a pity party. (The food and music are never good at those anyway.) At times these instances come in the form of majestic creation, such as our migration phenomenon. Other times they appear as a deep red-orange sunrise, or as the refreshingly crisp scent of Fall, or as a myriad of sparkling tree branches the morning after a vigorous ice storm.

Nature seems to have a way; or rather, God tends to use nature in such a way that seems to brings Himself into the sphere of our senses. These things remind us Whose world this is. These things cause us to realize our appointed stewardship to both care for and appreciate this world, the desired outcome being His greatness and our delight springing from our hearts. Perspective, indeed. Most of the time my world is so small that I am the only one who fits into it. And even when God catches my attention, such as in the form of a rainbow, a juicy orange, or the beautiful face of my husband, the moment flees before I consciously capture it and make something more of it, before I can make it linger, before I fully embrace the GOD of all things glorious.

Yet God continues to display His greatness to us in these ways, whether we take hold of them or not. I think perhaps the reason these moments seem to occur most often on the road is simply for the lack of distraction. It is just the wheels and the driver, and often a few Christian radio tunes, which tend to steer my thoughts heavenward anyway (no pun intended). This is a time when I absolutely cannot do anything else but think, within the realm of highway vigilance, of course!

It’s funny how I am thinking about all of these things, and this very morning on the way to work the Christian radio host asked listeners to call in and tell about an extraordinary God-experience within their ordinary life. I had just flipped on the radio while they were in midst of this discussion. Coincidence? I don’t think so. The man on the phone described an instance where, over the Christmas holiday, he was to meet his family at a famous live nativity display in Pennsylvania. For some reason he faced a few obstacles earlier in the day so that he thought he for sure would not make it all the way across the state in time to be with his family. He began to drive anyway. About halfway there he noticed that he was hitting all the green lights which, in his experience, rarely happens. He usually catches all the red lights. (Boy, can I sympathize!) The caller’s point was that God’s grace allowed him to make it to the display in time to share the special evening with his family. “God was in the green lights!” And I would agree with that, as God is certainly just as sovereign over details as He is over major events. I would even say that God's presence goes way too often unnoticed in these cheery moments.

I love it, though, what the radio host stated in response. “And we have to remember that God is also in the red lights.” Oh how we despise those red lights! I tend to break out in hives at red lights. And it seems there is always some 18-wheeler or school bus in the front of the line, making it impossible to get a quick “pick up” once the light finally turns. Red lights force me to slow down and even have the nerve to force me to stop! Why I never take red lights into account when I plan my day is beyond me. Why wouldn’t I expect them? Why do I sulk when it takes me a measly five extra minutes to get into work? Red lights are a part of life.

The truth is that most of us see red more than green. In every aspect. We face the difficult way more than the easy. What is easy, is for me to think God is not in those red lights. I would rather He not be. I would rather not view God as Someone who sovereignty places obstacle and discomfort into our lives and messes up our perfectly efficient schedules. But I’ll say most of the time that is the only way He can flag us down long enough to get across our numb skulls, “Hellllllooooo! Who’s in control here?!” My guess is that He probably enjoys using sunsets and flowers to get our attention more often than broken bones and traffic jams, green lights more than red. And yet, he is still in all of it.

Lately, when God reveals His greatness in the form of gorgeous displays, such as he did the other days with the birds, I have been prompted to pray for those around me who might be seeing the same thing. I pray that those who do not know God will see Him here, in this thing. Whether in the bright sunshine of a pleasant day, or in the striking contrast of a looming storm cloud, I figure these moments are not for my benefit only. I am also beginning to do the same thing whenever I see a car accident scene, or hear an ambulance siren from my apartment. I pray that others will see God and His grace in those situations as well, whatever the outcome.

But honestly, I need more prayer for myself than I pray for everybody else! I miss so very many green and red light moments that I don’t allow God to show up in my life nearly as much as I need Him to. Why does it have to take a big display of some sort for me to know He is there and that He is working? Why does my response to God depend on whether or not the outcome seems favorable to me? Why do I consistently resist red lights in my life and embrace only green ones, if I embrace them at all?

Sometimes I believe that if I didn’t have to work so much, or that if my commute to work were shorter, or if I weren’t so tired, or if life weren’t so stinking hard I would be able to nurture a closer relationship with God and let Him work in my life. I wish for some sort of Eden or something. While I definitely won’t find that here in this flesh, I have to remember that I can at least catch glimpses of it in the green lights and savor those moments. And in red lights I can hold on and drink fully of the reality that these moments prepare me for Eden.

Perhaps the green lights are meant to grant us hope for the red, as reminders that another green light is not too far off. After all, every red light eventually turns green.

Something to Look Forward to

What keeps you going?

I have found that if I have something in the future to anticipate, the daily grind isn't so bad. All I need is a countdown of days, and I can make it. Whether it's a concert, road trip, day off of work, or just a coffee date with my husband, I'm almost always looking ahead to something. Even if the day is months away, the prospect of something fun or meaningful to look forward to helps me stay focused on the moments at hand. Which, actually sounds weird because one would think the anticipation of something would lead to distraction. Yet, that is how it is for me.

However, as much as I would not like to admit it, it seems it is the anticipation, more than the occasion or event itself, which brings the most joy. I have always wished it were the other way around, that the actual event or occasion anticipated would surpass the anticipation, but that seems to rarely happen. I have come to wonder if maybe that is because the anticipation is meant as an analogy of something spiritual. Our longing for heaven, perhaps?

Maybe God does not want us to find our satisfaction here, for these short 80 years. Maybe we try to. Our finite minds cannot fathom the joy of Eternity. As our hearts remain always waiting and hoping for something better, always something more spectacular around the next corner (and mine always does), we find only continued anticipation, conscious or not, for the ultimate culmination of joy found only in and with God Himself. And that continued anticipation can be easily mistaken for disappointment when, really, it ought to urge us to praise God for not allowing things of this world to satiate us like only God can.

Maybe that's why the days leading up to December 25th are always brimming with excitement as we think about how perfect everything is going to be, but then when Christmas Day rolls around we usually experience little more than wrapping paper messes; stomachaches; possible extended family quarrels; and, despite myriads of gifts received, emptiness in our hearts. 'Did we miss the point?' we ask ourselves. 'Did we forget about some meaningful tradition? Did we forget to light the candles? What happened?' Yes, culture and the world can steal our hearts away from the humble approach Mary and Joseph took to celebrate the birth of the Messiah so that we do miss the point. (Although, I don’t recommend sitting down to Christmas dinner in a barn!) Amidst all our planning for perfection, we sometimes forget that we live in a very imperfect world, and our minds often paint unrealistic pictures of life.

Yet at the same time, there is something to be said about the joy of anticipation, even on occasions when our hearts are indeed right (and, in the event of Christmas, commercialism doesn’t get the best of us). The fact is, this is not home. We really are pilgrims. No holiday, birthday bash, or ski trip could ever top what is in store for the believer! There will come a time when we will experience perfection, but that will never be here!

Knowing we are made for a far better place and a heart that is fully healed, does this then mean we should cease to enjoy life as we know it? Should we just lie down and silently wait with inactivity for our redemption? Well, is that what we do between Thanksgiving and Christmas? No, preparations are made to build the excitement! The tree gets trimmed, the presents wrapped, and the cards sent. Why should we act any differently during this time of eternal expectation? This journey is part of the joy we await!

For that matter, what does an engaged couple spend time doing before their union? Take my wedding as an example. One of my favorite seasons of expectancy took place the first weeks following our engagement. How much fun it was to check out a dozen wedding books and magazines from the library, and to sit for hours in a Barnes & Noble, snapping countless pictures of cute flower and table arrangements from decorating books with my camera phone. How exciting it was to choose colors, scribble up guest lists, and wade through beautiful music arrangements! It starts once the ring is on her finger, or at least that moment in the dressing room at the bridal shop when she tries on that first dress. The possibilities are endless, and immediately she begins to imagine walking down the isle. Time and time again she pictures the face of her groom grinning broadly from the front of the church. A bride-to be’s mind is constantly preoccupied with visions of the actual wedding day, when all the preparations, plans, and dreams finally come together.

The day finally comes and it is exquisitely wonderful and breathtaking, just like she imagined….almost. And yet that “almost” takes absolutely nothing away from the beauty and perfection of the day, however it happens to go down. The sweet anticipation was actually part of the wedding day. For that matter, the entire package: meeting, first date, first kiss, every subsequent date, engagement, wedding planning (although most of it, tedious and stressful!); and the dreaming, hoping, wishing, thinking, pursuing, creating, loving – all of it – as well as the dress, pictures, processional, vows, pronouncement, and honeymoon. Nothing is exclusive and all of it contains the joy of anticipation.

It has been more than a year after my own wedding, and the anticipation still remains. Every day is new and full of expectation. Life keeps going, we keep growing and moving on to our destination: Eternity. It only makes sense that we keep waiting for something greater to come along because there is something greater. It hasn’t come yet because we are still wearing this flesh and walking this dirt. The anticipation we experience in this life provides us with glimpses of that day when we finally get to see the entire picture, see all of it come together and know that there was no flaw in the design.

I can’t wait to see through God’s lens and finally learn the answers to all of my questions. But I don’t want those questions to keep me from exercising faith in what He has already said. Thankfully, God is with us now and has given us the lens of Scripture by which to view this world. And yet gaining (and keeping) the confidence that God is working things out, and that His justice and compassion somehow mesh, plainly takes some hard faith. It can be difficult to accept that God actually receives glory for what happens on this Earth. We hear more bad news than good. But there would be no need for redemption if this world were ideal and whole. I think the times we see God’s glory the most is when He applies healing to something that is broken. And boy, are we broken! Sin has made a mess, and God wants us to witness and enjoy His glory as he redeems his people back to Himself! All the hopelessness, fear, catastrophe, and bitterness remains because there is still more to the story! But we aren’t writing it! For now our “God-vision” is limited. That, however, should leave us clawing for something more. More of Him. One day all anticipation will finally cease, and we will not be disappointed nor left to crave anything else.

I don’t know what that will be like, because I am constantly empty, I am daily searching for something to fill me. Some moments are better than others, moments in which I choose to live in the hope of eternally basking in the glory of God. On those days I am not as easily frustrated and set-off. And even when life doesn’t slow down, I allow my heart to still long enough to see God at work around me. I begin to discover reasons for which to be grateful.

Other days, I would rather settle for basking in the earthly, the temporary. I allow people to name me. My schedule overtakes and consumes me. I grasp at books, projects, food, music, sleep, working out, to find happiness and purpose. To try to gain some sort of control. And I express a skewed understanding of God, which, in reality, fosters these results.

The anticipation is good. Very good. The object of the anticipation, though, is what is important. In His wisdom, God intended us to receive more joy when we honor the Giver over the gift because there is no glory in the gift all by itself. I know I am more grateful for the time, expense, and energy it takes a special person to make me a cake than I am for the actual cake, tasty as it may be. My guess is that anticipation on this earth is meant to leave us empty but also to bring a spark of hope so that our ultimate longing and satisfaction would rest in the glory of God alone.

The Giver is the gift; the gift is the Giver! What can top that!