The Meeting

These are the major events surrounding the time Jeromy and I met and fell in love. The official "collision", which we like to call it. 'Meant to be' is an understatement! Here - take this tissue.

*****

Back at the end of September (2005) I was in the process of looking for a church to attend during my stay in Maryland as a nanny. Don't ask me how but while playing around on Myspace (which we both never even use anymore!) I noticed Jeromy's page and that he was from Lexington Park, MD (just a couple miles down the road). His page was highly Christian, mentioning some of the books he likes to read and all that (which included specific books of the Bible and other Christian authors). I had just recently visited Lexington Park Baptist Church, and shot him a short email to ask if he was familiar with it, or if he knew of any other good churches in the area. Turns out he used to attend that church, and it was crazy because I later found out that he used to attend Bible study with some Christian girls I met at St. Mary's College (the ones who invited me to the campus ministry bonfire!). In fact, they even invited me to that same Bible study, and I never went. That means, had I accepted the invitation and attended the Bible study, I would have met Jeromy earlier than I did! Crazy... But who cares--we met anyhow!

After that we emailed back and forth for a couple weeks, talking about John Piper and Calvinism (4.5 vs. 5-point and all that), just a friendly conversation about a bunch of theological stuff. He asked me if I knew Piper since I'm from Minnesota, and I told him yes, and that I even visited Piper's church just before coming out here to Maryland! I even forwarded the notes on his sermon because I thought Jeromy might be interested. And then, since I was reading Captivating by John Eldredge, and I found out he was into Wild at Heart by the same author, we started talking about some of those issues.

The next week when I was in Charlotte, NC with the Cecils, Jeromy sent me a message that simply said, "When are you coming back to Southern Maryland so we can actually meet???" I was kind of taken aback, but laughed it off a little bit. My mind was kind of distracted elsewhere at the moment. Meeting Jeromy was the most random thing that had happened to me so far while in Maryland. It turns out, however, that my distraction was a good thing, or I might have been tempted to go after Jeromy, to pursue him instead of allowing God to lead him to pursue me. It was all perfect timing, the way it worked out.

I really wasn't seeking anything with Jeromy. In fact, I just about turned him down when he asked if I'd like to meet up with him and some of his friends at the Coffee Quarter one Friday night (October 21st). I just didn't want to go. And I don't know why. But at the last minute I decided, why not? I ought to make some friends so I don't end up a hermit all year! And actually, that night we didn't get to talk very much at the coffee shop because there was this jazz group from the College of Southern Maryland performing, and they were pretty loud. But afterward we went outside and with one of his friends and spent some time talking. Just nice and light. Yet even then I caught the vibe that Jeromy and I were on the same page spiritually. He walked me to my car, and it started to rain. And we just stood there and talked some more--in the rain!!

I didn't email Jeromy after that. I didn't even hear from him until the following Friday (October 28th), when he called me at about 6 pm, asking if I'd like to go to Panera Bread and then catch some ice cream at Cold Stone. I had just come in from a run, and I had almost passed out on the couch when he called. He gave me all of 15 minutes to freshen up (thanks, Jer!), and he was at the door! Talk about short notice! But it was fine, and we ended up talking nonstop again. I almost didn't even want to take a bite of food because then we'd have to pause the conversation--it was unbelievable!

I believe the next time we got together was Sunday afternoon, two days after Panera Bread (October 30th). By this time I knew something was UP with this guy. Again, he called me last minute, about an hour after church, and he drove us around to all these fun little nooks in St. Mary's County. Little known parks and beaches, lighthouses, docks...they all had beautiful views! Our last stop was Piney Point Lighthouse. Piney Point would soon become "our spot".

By that time it had grown dark, and the sky was bright. A million stars. We walked to the end of the dock and just stood there for probably an hour and a half, just marveling in wonder at the things of God. We never talked about this friendship we had formed, or whether we wanted to be more than friends. It was ALL about God. That night was magic, and we both knew it. God was doing something here, but we didn't have a clue where that would lead. All of that was yet unsaid.

I think we ate out one more time before the missions banquet with the Potomac Baptist Association. It was weird. He called me Monday night (October 31st), just after I hung up with the Association office to make a reservation so I could attend the banquet. There was no way I was going to invite Jeromy. I don't ask guys out, period. But when he called I said that I just finished making reservations for the banquet, he immediately responded with, "Oh yeah, that sounds cool!" He said it as if I made a reservation for TWO--me AND him! I didn't know what to say! It was awkward, but at the same time it wasn't! So I just played along, "You mean you would like to go?" There went God again...appointing things out of my control! I almost laughed out loud!

So yes, Jeromy went to the banquet with me the following Thursday (November 4th). And I paid! (*gasp*) The speaker at the missions banquet was Carrie McDonnall, lone survivor of an Iraqi insurgent attack back in March of '04. She, her husband, and two other individuals were missionaries over in Iraq, and they all perished except for Carrie, despite the fact she was wounded over 22 times. 22 TIMES!!! Most people are dead with ONE bullet! This woman is definitely a recipient of God's mercy. God has a message for her to share with the world. And share she did!

Recently we joked about how the seating at our table was pretty cozy, and despite no other physical contact up to that point, we were forced to rest our leg against the other's! The previous week I sent Jeromy an email with just one word: "integrity", because I was so impressed with how honorably and selflessly he treated me at all times. I was beginning to grasp the importance of communicating more specifically when he wrote back and asked, "Is that to say I have it or need it?" :)

After the banquet Jeromy drove me back to the Cecils, but we stayed in the truck and talked for at least another hour. It was good. Then I realized I had decided not to bring my purse, and that my house key was locked inside! It was after 11 by then, and to my dismay I ended up waking both Mike and Chris, AND Samantha--who was screaming once they let me in the house. And THEN the security alarm went off, and...it was a mess. So I said a quick goodbye to Jeromy and went straight up to my bedroom. I felt horrible and embarrassed and I wanted to hide.

I wasn't tired, though, so I emailed a "thank-you-but-sorry-for-the-incident" message, and then when I clicked send, I noticed Jeromy had sent me a message at the same time! We were both too wired to sleep, so we hopped on MSN messenger and chatted for...a few more hours! As it were, Jeromy decided to just lay it all out there, and he commented about how amazing it has been to meet someone like me who wants to talk about the things of God. He said he had to wear his heart on his sleeve and take a risk with me. It took us until 2:30 in the morning to finish that conversation! We will never forget that night/wee morning.

Near the beginning I had feared taking it further than friendship because I had never before experienced such a spiritual connection to somebody so quickly in all my life. From the start it was obvious that this was NOT about Jeromy and Tara. This was about GOD. All I could do was just pray that it would ALWAYS be about God. But I was still scared because I DID want more, and God had to show me that that didn't have to be a bad thing. For the first time it wasn't ME striving. I wasn't seeking anything. It was frightening because it WAS (and IS) totally out of my control. There were Hands greater than mine at work here. It was so real I could feel it. And the last thing I wanted to do was to dishonor that sacredness. I didn't want this God-focus to all of a sudden make this selfish shift so that it became about Jeromy and Tara. The thought haunted me. So I didn't say a word. And then I was struck with one thought: Well, if it be in the mind of God Almighty, then what if, perhaps one day it just might be more about GOD if it were more about Jeromy and Tara? MORE sacred. And the fear absolutely crumbled. It dissolved. And yet I still didn't say a word. I've learned enough in my day (the hard way, always!) to let the guy be the pursuer. I don't want to rob a guy of that glory, nor do I want to rob myself of a potentially incredible story. So I just waited. But surprisingly, it wasn't hard! And then, that night God opened Jeromy's mouth, and there you have it...a collision. An amazing whirlwind of a collision that still causes me to rub my eyes in the middle of the day, wondering if this is real. (Pinching hurts, so I stopped that!) And it IS real. And we covet that sacredness. We may have to fight for it at times, but it is every bit worth the fight.

We could hardly wait until daylight, because we planned to meet for breakfast. We stopped at the store to pick up some bagels and sat at the Piney Point dock again. Jeromy brought his guitar and we sang praise songs toward the horizon and prayed some. Perfection....

The rest is history, I guess. October 21st and November 5th are two quite special days for us. And soon to come, August 12th!

See also: Engaged!, Our Wedding Vows, and Jeromy

Grace

This is part of my personal testimony. Our pastor told myself and Jeromy to write about our spiritual lives so that he would know a little about us before starting pre-marital counseling with us. I think every blog I write includes more details of my spiritual journey. Although I was saved as a child, I am forever still in the growing stages! But the account below is more of the "nutshell" version.

*****

I was born into a Christian family and attended church regularly throughout my childhood. I had learned about salvation in Sunday school and from my parents, and it was my father who led me to the Lord after church one Sunday when I was five years old (November 17, 1985 to be exact). My profession of faith was made public by immersion two years later. Church membership followed my baptism, and I continued to actively participate in all services as well as children's programs.

Despite faithfulness to the local church, there was little evidence of maturity in my sanctification until my teenage years, when I truly began to understand and submit to Christ's lordship in my life. That is to say, for many of my growing up years I had the appearance of the "ideal" Christian girl, but I had yet to grow into an understanding of a personal relationship with God.

The summer prior to my last year of high school I experienced the accidental death of one of my youth group peers. The tragedy was one of my first encounters with this level of grief. At the same time, my church was going through a split, and both losses deeply affected me and broke me spiritually. I began to depend on the Lord and started to come to him voluntarily through prayer. From that point in time until now, I have seen God's hand teach me volumes about Himself and His plan for my life through life's experiences: changes, challenges, blessings, chastening, desires, joys, trials, people, ministries, etc.

After high school I went on to attend a Bible college, where I gained, most of all, a yearning to know my God even more intimately. My Bible professors taught me how to study the Bible, challenging me to base my convictions on what I have personally read of His Word instead of blindly accepting the convictions of man at face value in the same vein as did the church of Berea. After college graduation up until the present, I have sought to remain a student of the Bible. College laid for me a tremendous foundation for my Christian life, but there is still so much more of God to explore and probe and seek and glorify.

Lately, the Lord has been impressing upon my heart concepts such as grace and love and evangelism and freedom in Christ. I am especially and increasingly grateful for and awestruck by His grace in my own life. As a 5-year-old Sunday school kid I received grace that has eternally wrapped me in a blanket of Christ's righteousness, but it is the grace of His that I encounter every day that, in my opinion, is the most profound grace of all. And even when I receive it, I cannot keep it for myself. I live in a world that is in desperate need of grace, and I have both a duty and a passion to see that my life rightly represents what God's grace is all about.

"For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required" (Luke 12:48b).

Interruption Frustration

Phone calls. Emails. Doorbells. Severe weather. Pleas for help. Traffic Jams. Defective clock alarms. Illnesses...all of a sudden and/or at the same time! Interruptions to life usually leave me screaming on the inside and yanking my hair out by the handfuls!

This year Gloria Gaither was the keynote speaker at the Heart of Worship Conference at Asheville, North Carolina's spectacular Grove Park Inn. Using her life as well as the life of Jesus as testimony of her premise, Gloria has come to believe that God's will is most often found in the "interruptions" of our daily lives. We tend to think we know the right path...we know where God is leading and what He would have us accomplish for Him. Come to find out, that is almost never the case. I can definitely identify with that quite arrogant attitude. I rarely get pleasure from my plans so rudely interrupted. In fact, I usually despise interruptions. I despise them because, as a classic planner, they get in the way of MY agenda, MY goals, MY life. Interruptions instantly and unmistakably reveal character. They bring me to a fork in the road where my heart must decide whether it will trust God and submit to whatever is intended by the interruption, or become frustrated and continue to strive in vain pursuit.

Perhaps one reason God finds interruptions effective in our lives is because they humble us so. They demand we unclench our fists around whatever it is He is calling us to submit to Him that we might let Him have His way. HIS way...which is what He knows and what we later discover is what is truly best for us in the first place. These interruptions remind us that we are NOT in control. Once we begin to think we have figured out life--and even GOD Himself--that is just the moment we need a hard and fast reminder, such as interruptions provide, that will crumble our castles and break our hard hearts to expose any pride or selfish motive. They stop us in our tracks and bring us to our knees in desperation because all of a sudden nothing within our finite minds makes any sense. We stop looking to our own counsel, hopefully, and instead seek His. We admit our futility, failures, and fumbles, and reach inside to dust off something we might have set aside for a time...faith.

This humbling agent of interruption, perhaps, may be taken in a negative light. However, once an interruption has humbled us, it also serves as reminder of God's presence, His guidance, and utmost care for every detail of our lives--but especially that which paves the way to a more intimate walk with Him. Positive elements. Good things. Knowing there is potential for spiritual growth to take place in my life, even as a result of having to sacrifice my schedule and earthly resolve, absolutely fills my heart with a much greater hope than if I were to continue charting life on my own.

I was encouraged when Gloria confessed to have finally discovered what she "wants to be when she grows up" by the young age of sixty! At twenty-five, I have considered myself well behind my peers in that respect! Yet, as God continues to blow surging hurricanes through my daily activities, my prayer is that I would accept those interruptions with not only a gracious, godly submission, but also with an adventurous curiosity and anticipation of eternally weighted tasks God may choose to accomplish through me by way of interruption! I want to get to the place where I even welcome interruptions. And there, find God's will not in some distant future or tucked away in some box, but all around me, within every moment...every breath. God doesn't set us out on some scavenger hunt to find His will. He is ever actively in the process with us and simply wants our hearts to resonate with His. And then all we have to do, as in the words of Chuck Swindoll, is merely "show up for work." And right now that means loving my charge Samantha, protecting and enriching her as if she were my own child. It means denying self in order to serve the Cecil family in practical, sacrificial ways. It means going the extra mile...displaying sincere love for people...staying in the Word...paying for my school bill...faithfully serving in my local church..."picking up socks"!

Gloria challenged me to look at my life's interruptions in a new, more spirit-filled light. In fact, taking a glance into hindsight I now see many evidences of God moving me through divinely placed doors by way of interruptions. Doors of which I had never before considered coming from His hand but of my own crafted efforts! How reassuring and freeing to know God is in control!

Nanny work is not my career choice. Granted, it is a position God has used to stretch me, to increase my knowledge and wisdom, and has always offered a unique ministry opportunity. And it IS something I love to do. Yet, while my heart is in and has always been in the field of writing, I look back and discover that so much of what I have written thus far has come out of my experiences as a nanny. And God has used some of that to encourage and challenge other people. What more do I want?!

Had God led me right out of high school to a public university for education in copywriting or journalism, I would never have received Bible training in college, nor obtained an education degree. I would never have experienced the rich depth of peer fellowship, which I found there. I would never have learned those hard lessons that have shaped me into the person I am today and, even greater, cultivated within me such fantastic desire to KNOW GOD, that which I might not have otherwise encountered. I would never exchange those life-impacting experiences for any writing career in the world, if given the opportunity!

Going further, had I not accepted positions with my various host families I would not had a Christian influence on so many children’s' lives. I would never have learned so many principles and practices pertaining to household and family. I certainly would not have been blessed with such amazing travel opportunities, to places like Vermont, Massachusetts, West Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina, and the Bahamas! And had my career path been different I would have never met such embracing, accepting church families as my travels have allowed me.

In fact, I would not have even been able to attend the Heart of Worship conference and hear this message of Gloria's had I not been staying with my host family in North Carolina for that weekend! I look back and am thankful for how I can trace the hand of God all throughout my past. Interruptions have brought many good things into my life. A knee injury in college led me to nanny my physical therapist's daughter. A church split plunged me into greater depths of dependence on God. A floundering love interest distracted me enough to allow the right man to come into my life and pursue my heart.

God has done some amazing things via interruption. I must remember that the next time I want to slam my fist and scream in frustration. I hope Gloria's challenging words, born out of both experience and deep conviction, will carry me through many interruptions to come. The next interruption just may lead to an opportunity to share Christ. It may become a door of opportunity into the writing field. It may, however, simply steer me to that one stray, dirty sock under my bed that I might pick it up and toss it into the hamper. For what right do I have to judge the significance of any such interruption? So quickly I forget that to me to live is CHRIST, that with Him my life and my will is crucified. The goal is not greatness, but humility and surrender. My pride will quickly destroy me, but in that humility I find grace, and only in Christ can that lead to anything great.

This is not a matter of being IN God's will or OUT of God's will. God has no "plan B for your life," as Gloria put it, "only plan A." He uses even our sinful tendencies and ALWAYS uses our weaknesses to accomplish His purposes. Still, we cannot ignore the clear command from James 4:7 to "submit ourselves to God. In Proverbs 3:5-6, to quit analyzing and reasoning with life on human terms. To quit striving long enough to look toward Heaven with a willing and trusting heart. I would rather my legacy be one by which God used my submissiveness rather than my sinfulness! If anything, I come to the Father with renewed hope that He will continue to prove Himself faithful as I desire to prove the same. Thank you, Gloria!

It's all about you, Jesus
And all this is for you,
for your glory and your fame
It's not about me,
as if you should do things my way
You alone are God
and I surrender to your ways
-Paul Oakley

CAPTIVATING

Ladies everywhere NEED to read "Captivating"!

The following is part of an email letter I wrote to my pastor's wife concerning a book she recommended and, actually, gave to me. I wanted her to know how this book was impacting my life...and now I want to share the same with all of you--especially any women who may be reading. I would venture to say no other book in my 25 years has so gripped in my soul and has caused me to understand and love my Savior better than Joh & Staci Eldredge's book "Captivating". This is self-explanatory in the letter, but I hope it encourages you to pink up the book. :) -T

*****

....Speaking of good books, the main reason I am writing you is because I wanted to thank you again for the wonderful fellowship gifts--especially Captivating. I didn't open it up right away. I was in the middle of a couple other reads, and it got shuffled to the side. As I was packing for our most recent trip to Charlotte, I decided to bring it along. Without any real idea of where this book might take me, other than the premise you stated to me, I began to read. And I couldn't put it down! At first I had it in mind to write in the journal with each chapter. Then I realized it would be a hindrance, and so I decided to read the book straight through, and then I am going to go through it again, more slowly and accompanied by the journal. I am going to have to read it again.

Only now do I understand what you were talking about when you said that the book was challenging and convicting in unexpected areas. I thought that perhaps it was different from other books for women, but that soon enough it would begin to drift over into what I've already heard, what I've already read. The book I read just prior to Captivating did just that. I am almost 3/4 of the way through, and it hasn't yet.

I've cried through the entire thing. Some tears stemmed from deep conviction, others from recalling God's promises, and still others (and probably the most profound tears) came when I realized how timely God is guiding me through this book. I have been reading a chapter here and there, but except at the beginning when I was devouring the message, I have not been able to read too much at a time. And I KNOW that is God. It was God who spurred me to begin reading at the first chapter, and it is God who is providing me with exactly the right words I need to hear when my heart and my spirit need to hear them most.

Tammy, God is drawing me to His Word by this book. I have never in my life been more hungry to pour into the Scriptures and hide them within me as I am now. I have never been more prone to cry out to God moment after moment, time and again during the day as I have recently. And yet the book isn't one-sidedly covering God's character and attributes. I am learning new things about God that are making me consider my relationship with Him in a new and brighter light. I am being reminded of certain truths about God while discovering new angles of meaning and application. Most of all, I am being thrown into greater depths of dependence on God, as if I am getting to know Him for the first time.

Now, by saying all this I don't imply for a minute that life is easier having received these enlightenments. On the contrary, I am feeling more and more broken and helpless, less self-assured and more aware of His presence and grace in the everyday situations of life. Before the book my thoughts were constantly analytical and reasoning. I would fight my way past certainly Divinely placed hurdles and bumps in order to achieve what I thought was the right path. Although I too often carry my old nature into each day, my spirit is, for a change, beginning to grow quiet, my hands, daring to lie still. I can't tell you how many times God has proved his presence and work in my life when instead of making myself weary with frustration at one failed attempt after another, I just take a breath and simply look toward heaven. I have never been more assured of His love and involvement in my world because of this mindset. And it overwhelms me.

God is transforming me, and while I certainly didn't initially look to the book for that reason (I probably would have kept it closed if only I knew!); regardless, He has seen fit to do so. It really IS a daily death to self. It ebbs and flows, and to drink of God's resources and gifts is to truly be satisfied. It is humbling to think that He would care enough about one single soul out of millions of his children to lift me up out of myself, through blazing fire and sharpened shears, into a more intimate and personal relationship...with me. Loneliness is fading and contentment is lingering...oh, that I would never dwell other than in His grace!

This has become my greatest hope: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee" (Isaiah 26:3).

Questions

I found myself in this place a lot.

******

What is God doing? Where is God going with all of this? Is there a lesson to learn and then move on, or is there something more? Is there a higher significance to be later revealed, and if so, how much longer must I wait?

Regardless, this is different. It is still early to even presume or guess what might be taking place, but if anything, over the last few months I have been able to make further generalizations and distinctions about where I want to go in life. Even more, where I believe God would have me go. Whether I travel the rest of my life alone or with a partner, I am realizing some of the things that I will need for the journey, as well as some things I most certainly do not need.

This is a awkward season of life. A lot of my friends are either married or are contentedly growing in a career and/or ministry. It is true that I am in a ministry, and we all are at all times; but I am not married or even close to it, and I am not yet grounded in a career.

So where am I? I am hoping for more and looking to the future, yet trying my hardest to let God figure all that out. There have been WAY too many times in my life where I have, in my ardent determination and often on whim, went after something I thought I needed. Only then did I find out it wasn't what God wanted, and in hindsight, I realized that, too. Well, I was sick of staring with remorse at hindsight! I didn't and I don't want to learn primarily from mistakes, poor choices, and hasty turns. That is my tendency, and so this denying of my wiring takes work.

However, I am beginning to see some fruit of allowing God to direct my steps. I'm finding how much less stressful and much more peaceful it is to live each day for what it is instead of focusing energy and effort on vain strivings. Doing things that gratify and glorify myself is never satisfying, as I have learned (too many times, it seems), but working only to lift up the name of Jesus within each everyday task, although most likely not as glamorous, is the highest calling of all Creation. But satisfying? My cup runneth over! More than any other time in my life I am beginning to fully grasp and open up all of the gifts of the Spirit that I've neglected for so long while catering to myself. That is because only now do I have time to pick them up and enjoy them.

I'm starting to "get it. There are acres of growth left to tread, but inch by inch I'm finding my way, following the Shepherd and drawing from His goodness and mercy along the journey.

Survival of the Faithful

Church hunting provides interesting experiences, but it gets old FAST!

*****

I am happy to say I have survived my first experience in a Southern church! Let me just say that Liberty Baptist was a little--ok, a LOT different than what I was anticipating. The website looked great, and the church is independent so I thought it might at least resemble the churches I'm used to back home. All I can say is, it was interesting.

Sunday school was normal. I attended a young adults class of about 6, and the teacher focused on how church bodies and ministry groups can accomplish more for the sake of Christ when they come together and share the same mindset. He also shared how he is going through a difficult and stressful time with work, commenting briefly that he hoped the service turned out to be one where the sermon was overshadowed by the choir, and that church would run past 1:00. His statement caught me a little off guard, but I didn't think much of it, really.

Then the serivce began....

Everybody was friendly. Everybody. The only person I don't think I met personally was the pastor himself. I spoke at length with the pastor's wife, though, and concluded that I liked the bubbly southern welcome and charming accent. She must be mid-40's but she looks like she's no more than 20!

I had read in the church's website that they sang right out of the hymnal, and I was looking forward to that. I have to say, though, there wasn't a song they chose that I was even vaguely familiar with! That is because not only do they sing hymns, but they sing out of the southern hymnal. I'm talking SHAPE-NOTES!!! I was as lost as last year's Easter egg, musically speaking, and for me that's frustrating, since I like to sing out and confidently hit the harmony parts.

I don't know how familiar you are with shape-note singing, but the short of it is that they are typically up-tempo hymns that are most often used in choral singing. Each note has a different shape that coorelates with whichever syllable of "solfege" (do, re, me...) is to be sung. This helps with sight-reading and sight-singing, to distinguish each pitch. The system was initially designed for ameteur singers who might not otherwise read music. Not so much now, but southern communities used to hold "singings" at which they were able to sing these shape-notes with virtually no practice involved.

Apparently Liberty Baptist is one of the few churches still keeping up with that tradition. It's a really fun style of music, but because I've had only minimal exposure to shape-notes, I just couldn't keep up! It is part of a culture still foreign to me. I did enjoy listening to the songs, though. Impressed, actually. A lot of the songs are about Heaven, and it makes sense, then, that the lyrics are joyful and the melody up-tempo and bright. It would be fun to one day learn the shape-note system. I do give the church credit for continuing an old tradition

The songs the choir sung were also right out of the hymnal. They sang three numbers, the third being the Gaither signature, "Because He Lives". Now, I like that song and all, and I realize music can minister to a person's spirit, but I think the choir carried on for about 15 minutes on that one! The first go around, one of the choir members walked down to the alter to pray, and by the end of the third verse, half the congregation had walked the isle crying and hugging each other. I was a little confused. The Word hadn't even been READ yet, much less PREACHED! I was like, ok, I guess they like to mix things up down south.

Once choir finally made their way back to their seats the pastor jumped around the pulpit, screaming and waving his hankie for MAYBE five minutes. Something to do with how we are all priests, but I didn't catch all of it. Meanwhile, people at this church had no inhibitions about standing up and shouting a hearty "Amen!" or "Glory!" or even a spontaneous testimony, like one from an older woman who sounded like she was about to swoon any minute. Some good words were said, but it was just...different. I didn't know how to take it all in.

After the mini-message was the special music. A 20-something guy got up to sing Ivan Parker's version of "My Redeemer Lives", and he really did a good job. The congregation went crazy on the final chorus and tags; you could hardly hear the kid over the shouts and screams! The song ended, and the pastor got back up to the pulpit and said a few more words before asking the singer, Jake, to come sing the song again. About halfway through the song, there went another good chunk of the congregation, down the isle. Some of them were the same people who walked the first time while the choir was singing! I mean, I got the point that Jesus is alive, but I couldn't understand what within these songs was so convicting. Maybe I was missing something...who knows?

After the THIRD go around with the SAME special number, I was ready to pack up and head back to the Cecil's. I had to be back by 1:00 anyway, and it was quickly approaching 12:30. The service ended after the pastor gave a few announcements and a closing prayer was lead by a deacon. I felt kind of bad, but I had to rush out the doors if I was to make it home in time. That's why I never got to talk to the pastor. It was probably better that way, though, because after that I honestly wouldn't have known what to say! I'm truthfully not trying to sound offensive, but I just am not used to services like this.

Bless their hearts....

In other news, I have been back in Great Mills, MD for over a week now. We won't be going back to NC until next month, and then only Chris, the baby, and I will be there and for a whole week. I would hope that Liberty isn't the norm for Baptist churches down there. I'll let you know what I find!

I do have to say that through the experience of visiting different churches I am being humbled. I'll let you know why...

Last Wednesday (the 14th) I visited Putuxent Baptist right here in Great Mills for Bible study. I figure that if I attend services other than just Sunday morning I'll be able to cover more ground and the process of finding a church will commence a lot quicker. On one hand, getting to see different ministries is a unique opportunity and it is a lot of fun to meet new people. On the other, it gets OLD really quick, and at this point I am more than ready to settle in one church so I can then figure out where I might serve.

Putuxent Baptist is a fairly small church (70/morning service) but another extremely friendly congregation. The pastor was away speaking at some college in California, so they had another member speak that night. This church is KJV-only, just like Liberty, but I haven't found any independent churches around there that aren't. Oh well. This church website stated that the pastor had received some schooling from Hyles-Anderson College. I took that as a cue and made sure I was in a skirt--even on Wednesday night! I met and spoke with one woman who was very nice. At one point during our conversation she asked, "You were home-schooled, right?" Unsure of this woman was thinking, I simply said no. She replied with, "Oh. You just seemed like you might have." Hmmm...perhaps I should have gone for the knee-length vs. the floor-length skirt! Would that have made the difference? It was just kind of weird. I mean, how do you take that?

I was convicted during the Bible study/preaching time, although it had nothing to do wiht the actual message. Funny how God can do that! But there I was, sitting alone in this small church auditorium, surrounded by these nice people I had just met. I'll admit, first knowledge of the pastor's educational background left me resistent to visit Putuxent Baptist. Just because of the stereotypes attached to where the Pastor went to college! I let one single fact about one single person influence my judgment of an entire church--weeks before stepping foot inside the building!

Granted, to some degree, my inklings were correct, as far as the ladies wearing dresses and all that, but the judgment in and of itself was wrong because I otherwise knew nothing (and still don't know too much) about this church body's corporate convictions.

I quickly realized that all my effort to research a local church in St. Mary's County was tainted by my personal preferences. I wanted to find a church that measured up to my mental checklist of what I would consider a "good" church. I might as well have started my own church as a congregation of one before stumbling upon such a place of worship! It just doesn't exist, and thank God!

So...as I continued to soak up the speaker's words that night I silently invited the Lord to receive back his rightful role in leading and guiding me to where HE would have me serve this year. I unfortunately found myself with a similar determination three years ago while looking for a church in Boston. In that case, it turned out that the church I disliked the most, based, on first impressions, ended up the greatest blessing and without question the single most highlight of that summer! It is amazing how we find God, so much more acutely aware of ourselves and our needs than we are, is willing to give us the best of gifts IF we are first willing to lay our vain, mediocre desires in surrender to His will. So simple, but so stinkin' hard!

I still don't know what church God wants me in. Yet how many more times must I be humbled before I "get it"? All I know is, as far as church visiting goes, I better follow the leading of Elizabeth Bennett and look more deeply beyond the surface!

Oh, one last thing before I finally send this...I was just recently told of the passing of my next-door neighbor, Shirley Brown. She developed cancer a few months ago, although since I didn't spend as much time at my parents' house this past year, I also didn't see her much. Boy, is that ever a lame excuse. Convicted again! Even when I did live at home I hardly said "boo" to my neighbors--any of them. Why? Laziness, I guess. Once I heard Shirley had cancer I would think about her whenever I stopped home for Sunday dinner, but as far as actually reaching out to her and ministering to her, all the farther I got was a good intention. So once I heard that she had passed away last week I was broken. I wish I had done SOMETHING. I wish I had even simply gone over and helped around the house...talked with her...sat with her--anything. But I didn't, and now it's too late. But at the same time I can't beat myself up about that fact. It's too late, and that's that. The question is, what am I going to do with the people God has brought into my life at present, and in the future? Cancer or no cancer, everybody has needs. The needs might not be obvious, but if you talk to someone long enough, you'll know what they are. Everybody faces problems and struggles every single day. Therefore, there is no excuse for us to keep to ourselves instead of investing in other people. We pray all the time for God to give us opportunities to share our faith. Why don't we instead pray not FOR those opportunities (because they are all around us at all times!) but, rather, to RECOGNIZE those opportunities--even ordinary situations as opportunities--and then pray that we we would ACT upon those opportunities. What, are we really just lazy, or are we afraid of what the Holy Spirit might do? That is total absurdity for anyone who claims a faith in and following of Christ, and I am guilty a million times over.

Revive us, oh God....

Travel Style

Keeping in touch with friends and family definitely helps this place feel more like home. It's funny how people tend to keep in better contact with loved ones while they are away. It's unfortunate that is the case, but often we take our surroundings for granted when we get used to them. Thank goodness for phone plans and email (and blogs!) or there would be a lot of homesick people in this world! I would reason people are more likely to travel in recent years than they used to, just because those conveniences are so much more widespread. I would probably go insane without any contact outside this hick town!

Switching gears...

My mom will give ANY excuse to travel. During my childhood my family took road trips all over the U.S. She's already driven halfway across the country from Minnesota to see me in Maryland, and this very weekend she's driving to Omaha, NE to visit her brother! I'm telling ya, if my mom heard that someone's belly button was on fire down in Podunk, IA she would drop everything and drive down for a picture! :)

I seem to have caught the travel bug as well, although I'm not so much of a "see it all" traveler or a clicking tourist; when I travel, I like to spend more time in the same spot so I get a little taste of what it is like to live there. You know, make contacts with the people, research little-known sites, visit the "Mom & Pop" diner, and skip stones in the pond.... After I've stopped somewhere, I like to more than just be able tell everyone where I've been, I like to take a piece of the people and their culture with me.

The Cecil's extended family is planning a get-together in the Bahamas at the end of November. Can you imagine that? I mean, I can almost picture the invitations for my own extended family: "Nupson Family Fun Time: Thanksgiving picnic on Freeport Beach! BYOL (Bring Your Own Lefsa)!" Uh, yeah. Nice thought. :D Anyway, I'm kind of indifferent about the whole trip. You're thinking, "Yeah right she is!" I am looking forward to it, but I'm not a huge beach person. Heh heh...maybe I will be once winter rolls around! It'll be fun to see what it's like down there, and I'm hoping to find postage not too expensive so I can send at least a few of my Christmas cards from there. Thought that might be kind of unique.

Better get prepared for the little squirt to wake up. Then we're going hiking! It's my new-found favorite activity around here. There are some nice trails through the woods near St. Mary's Lake that we usually take. It's nice because Chris (the mom) comes with Samantha and I so I have some company. She wants to climb one of the mountains in Washington state (not Ranier) with her dad next summer and is starting to train for that. Plus it gives her a break from work as well as provides some good exercise for me. Sammie loves it too, of course!

Reflecting

God places us in specific situations with specific people and for specific seasons, each for a specific purpose or purposes. At times I get frustrated and I'm tempted to give up because I'm not visibly seeing God working in hearts. I'm glad that, despite my past and present failures in this regard, every so often God allows me to catch a glimpse of His power, as He revealed last night. If God is going to use me in this family, and if God is going to use you in your workplace or community, it is going to be in SPITE of me, in SPITE of you. If not, our Christianity that we are trying to peddle is a fake. If all the glory doesn't go to Him, we are wasting our time.

Often God uses us in ways we never thought we could be used. God does use those failures. Also, He often uses the simple, even seemingly mundane things we do or say to make a difference. God uses the good, the bad, and the ugly--He uses it all. Grace is a marvelous thing, isn't it?

Obedience, love, and faithfulness--that's what I'm trying to work on right now. Seeing God's power in action like last night is indeed motivation to keep striving for those things. Yet, I think of all the ways God reveals Himself in the world and in my life that I have not even recognized. Perhaps if I kept a more consistent heavenly mindset I would see them more and be even more greatly encouraged toward the effectiveness of the Holy Spirit in my life. Encouraged to dig deeper, climb higher, and run faster for the sake of Christ.

In this way, I long for greater spiritual eyesight....but perhaps I ought to FIRST long for a more spiritual HEART.

My New Home

Before I got caught up in the Myspace/Facebook phe-nom, I used to send out occasional emails to my family and friends back home in order to stay connected. I had just been to Maryland a month when I reflected on the following:

*****

For those of you who don't know, I accepted a position to work for a family in Southern Maryland; namely, Great Mills, a tiny town jutting down near the boarder of Virginia. The family also has a home in a suburb of Charlotte, NC, and they travel down for a few days each month. The Cecil's have an 8.5 month-old daughter named Samantha, and they are very nice people.

Southern Maryland depicts a culture that is much different than I have been used to over the past year living in Edina, MN, but so far I am enjoying it. It has been a LOT slower-paced as well, since I only have one child to care for instead of 3 active boys. My pastor's wife said I will probably find time to do some reading and learning, and she was right about that. I also look forward to finally taking my corespondent copywriting class in the near future. A main goal for this year is to pay off my college debt, and from there I have no set plans. For now I am enjoying traveling and gaining new experiences while I still have the prime opportunity to do so.
Here's my update...

**********

We are in Charlotte still. Just got access to email or would have replied sooner. It's VERY nice down here, a great suburban area on 25-mile long Lake Norman. The water is beautiful, and Samantha likes getting her feet wet.

Went exploring around town today. Drove Mike's BIG red truck. Kinda scary at first, then you get used to it. Turning around and backing up is a little tricky, though, even more-so than the Walker's van. Makes you feel kind of intimidating driving that huge thing. Well, and I probably look a little out of place, being a young girl! LOL

Found the church I'm going to attend tomorrow morning. It's called Liberty Baptist, located in Mooresville, just up Hwy 77 from Cornelius about 8-10 miles. There are Baptist churches figuratively on every corner, which makes it difficult to choose where to go. (Although many are Southern Baptist.) Liberty is KJV-only, but they are independent, and are into the hymns, which I like. Thought it looked like a good one, and I can overlook the KJV quirk. I won't be down here more than one weekend a month anyhow. (Although I think I could live down here forever!)

The job is going well. I'm having a great time getting to know the Cecil family and little Samantha. While I enjoy St. Mary's County and am finding my way around up there, it's been a fun weekend "down south"!

I did meet a handful of 20-something college students who attend St. Mary's College (public, contrary to what I thought), who are a part of the Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship there on campus. They were VERY friendly to me at church, and were sincerely enthusiastic about inviting me to brunch and then a bonfire that night with the Inter-Varsity group. The bonfire was set down the hill from the college campus, actually on the beach and literally right on the water. There was a beautiful sunset. I might have to visit that place again just to find some solitude! There we mingled, and at first it felt a little weird being an "outsider", as in not a student. Yet they were very nice and it great to spend some time with Christians about my age. Refreshing, actually. After dusk one of the students took out his guitar and lead us in worship. We sang some generic praise songs and choruses, a few hymns, and then we about exhausted Chris Tomlin's repetiore of music! That was a BLAST. Kind of reminiscent of my former college days.

Above and beyond the actual bonfire activity, it was really a blessing to have met some friends at church earlier in the morning. I didn't expect to meet friends so quickly, but God provides in His time, not ours. Usually it seems we have to wait for God's time, but this time He meet a need before I even thought to ask! How cool!

Last weekend I got the opportunity to drive around Great Mills and the surrounding towns a little bit. It's gorgeous down there! I got the feeling that it's sort of a mixture between having a northern and southern MN feel to it at the same time! It's very woodsy, yet there is plenty of farmland. Yet the subs aren't too, too far away, which will be nice as well.

Then you have the Potomac River a couple miles to the West, the Putuxent River to the East, and the Chesapeake Bay to meet them even further SE. I tried crab for the first time last week, and it's pretty good! I still have a lot of seafood types to get used to, but I'm sure we'll be having our share of fresh Chesapeake crab!

I just discovered that Cecil's Old Mill is on the map of Maryland! The mill is a historical landmark of the family I will be working for, and is right across the street from the farmhouse where I will be living. I thought that was pretty cool! The farmhouse, in itself, is a museum! The house here in Charlotte is pretty modern, but the place in Great Mills is pretty old with minimal decoration besides what has been there for literally generations. The house was built sometime in the 1870's, and is full of antique photograhphs, portraites, plaques, furniture, books, and other oddities. The attic is FULL of OLD magazines and more antiques, which I am finding fascinating. The most meaningful aspect is that everything has been preserved by the Cecil family.

There is a pretty good sized field in back of the house, where the munchkin (Sammie) and I like to take walks with the baby backpack. There is a pathway through the woods that actually used to be the main road leading to the historic neighboring town a few miles out. After hiking around in the woods the other day I discovered the hard way that there are patches of poison ivy that should have been avoided! I am still itching from that, and am surprised I have any skin left! Oh well, that's part of country life, and I guess I better get used to it!

What is Enough?

Some more ponderings from my former Saturday morning coffee shop retreat.

*****

The Christian life...the true path of blessing, of hope, of meaning, of satisfaction, of peace, of endurance. It is a journey. So often I drift from that path and then wonder why I feel lost, stressed, forgotten, uncertain, misunderstood. The world's detour is just easier. More self-gratifying. Less of a sacrifice. The road signs are flashy and enticing. I tend to forget how cunningly deceiving is the opposition. Satan uses the same old trick on me that worked on Eve, in order to plant doubt in my heart.

I hear the same lines over and over: "Just give up. It's not worth the effort. You'll never please God. How could He use you? You need to fix "this" and "this" and "this", etc. before you can be happy and find fulfillment. All you are is talk. You are a Peter: possessing the right words without actions to back them. You are a Jonah: intimidated by the job and swept up in a comfort zone. You are King Saul: initially humble, but losing site of the task by spending too much time in front of the mirror." His hammerings are relentless...but sometimes I find some truth to them.

Because I know how God works...because I know of His mercy, grace, love, acceptance, and power, I don't doubt that He can use me if He really wants to.Yet, when we simply allow God to use us instead of mounting stress upon our lives by trying to accomplish His work in our own strength, it is miraculous how much easier and simpler the task. Not in the sense that the Christian walk, ministry, and family becomes a piece of cake. But it is only when we surrender our goals and plans to His, does our burden suddenly seem lighter. We find that promise in the pages of God's Word.

I desperately long to please God, to do great things for Him. However, at times that is all the further I get—just a desire, a casual prayer. God wants me to commit at one hundred percent. I tell Him, "I want to do 'this' for You…but can I still have 'this' in my life? Can I get at least SOME of the credit? Can I put aside my other responsibilities while I do this for you? Can I back out if I find I'm not equipped for the job?"

Talk really is cheap. I say I WANT to teach Sunday School to impact young lives for Christ. I WANT to share the gospel with people I have contact with--such as the people I work for. I WANT to involve myself in foreign missions. I WANT to write songs and poems and other Christian writing for God's use. I WANT to memorize more Scripture. I WANT to minister to those hurting or need of encouragement. I WANT to go calling with my church. I WANT to refresh myself with the biblical doctrines I say I believe in and hold to. I WANT to find a Christian avenue for my musical abilities. I WANT to responsibly prepare myself for my future career/ministry. Etc., etc. etc…….

I could go on forever with all the things I WANT to do. I believe that is just why I find myself plainly overwhelmed sometimes. There are literally a thousand ministries I could become involved with, a million "hats" I could wear in regards to service to the Lord. And yet, all God asks of me is to serve Him where He has placed me with the task He has given me to do at THIS MOMENT.

God might not have me lead someone to the Lord today, but He does want me to mirror His image to others and to be a faithful witness. God might not have me venture off to Africa on a missions trip this summer, but He can place certain missionaries on my heart to consistently pray for. I might not become a well-known Christian writer, but God certainly has called me to use my words and lips to praise Him, even if none of it ever reaches paper or another's eye. It is still praise, even which consists merely of fragmented verse and awkward melody simply scripted within the quiet sanctuary of my heart.

God has given me abundant ministry right where I am, along with the capabilities to complete them well. I just need to realize that since I can't do it all, I must still remember to always be faithful to--by Him--do what I can.

**********

I have been interested in reading books on new methods of personal evangelism lately, and since that started (a span of about 2 months), God literally has NEVER let a weekend go by without putting someone in my path with whom He prompts me to share my faith. Without fail. Sometimes I feel tired or withdrawn, and I pray, "God, I just don't want to witness right now." But he has a way of working through me despite my attitude. For when a spiritual conversation suddenly happens naturally, you KNOW it is ALL GOD.

So far God has brought people to me in coffee shops. My Saturday morning is typically devoted to preparing my Sunday School lesson for the next day, and each time I talk to someone new. I don't go after it or force people to talk with the intent of witnessing to them, but that's what I mean what I say it is the Holy Spirit that does the work. They just start asking me questions, such as for advice or my opinion on something. I just can't explain it. They always come. And only when I sense the Spirit to go deeper into the gospel message do I. Otherwise, I wait for Him.

I have come to believe that people are more relaxed and vulnerable in places like coffee shops, and now I guess in parking lots! When they get away from the pressures of life and are able to sit by themselves, I have found that they are more apt to ask questions about spiritual things. People are much more concerned about their eternal "destiny", if you will, than we think. It's easy to put on a mask. Our hope, when talking with an unsaved individual, is to attempt to make them feel comfortable enough to take off that mask and bare their scars. It is only then are they ready to hear and receive the Truth.

I am reading a book called, "Permission Evangelism" (by Michael L. Simpson), and its contents are making me greatly understand the importance of loving people, respecting their journies, and being sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I HIGHLY recommend that book, as it will change your view on witnessing to others. God has put this as a burden on my heart, and has only made it grow by allowing me to see some of the fruit of heeding Christ's example. The account from today in the parking lot only furthers my belief in the power of the gospel even more.

If we are but willing to be used by God at a moment's notice--if we seek NOT to convert, but to be perceptive to people's needs, to ask questions, and, ultimately, to submit ourselves to the power and leading of the Spirit--God WILL be faithful, and He WILL use us.

God doesn't always bring people along our paths at the most convenient of times, but the Bible says that we are to "be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is within you with meekness and fear" (I Peter 3:15).

ALWAYS be ready. Because God is ALWAYS ready to work through us.

I never understood when people would tell me that sharing their faith was a joyful thing. That's because it always used to be an insurmountable pressure for me. I felt I was required to do it, and when I didn't take the opportunities God placed before me, I felt guilty.

I'm telling you, it's FREEING to allow GOD to do the work, instead of striving on your own, merely out of duty. In fact, it's downright EXCITING to see God revealing Himself through the power of His Spirit. And I am finding that it is even MORE exciting to get to BE A PART of that process!

It's NOT about sharing the entire plan of salvation to every person you see. It's not about street preaching or handing out tracks. It's about OBEYING THE SPIRIT, whether it means witnessing by our conduct, befriending someone down-in-the dumps and allowing them to share their story before you share yours, or, like today, just being "in the right place, at the right time". It's about being available. It's about being real, transparent, gracious, open, non-judgmental, etc. God has given us various personalities for a reason. While I might not be able to reach the next fellow to come along, you might. It's about being yourself.

And really, it's about being humble.

With God

God was starting to open my eyes this day, which would lead me into new depths. I wrote all of this while sitting in Caribou Coffee, preparing for my Sunday School lesson the next day. I thank God for the times He gave me to sit and reflect during this time in my life. It stretched me in so many ways and, since I usually studied in coffee shops, these experiences also offered me many opportunities to share my faith with others.

*****

It must be a Saturday morning thing. Maybe that's because it's the only time I seem to get by myself to reflect and to plainly THINK. Or maybe I'm so "busy" (a.k.a., preoccupied with catering to my own needs) during the work week that the weekend is the only time I actually get to delve into the truths of Scripture beyond "daily devotionals".

It must be both but, at any rate, this Saturday morning routine has become a necessity…a recharging of my "spiritual battery", so to speak. It is during this time of reading, reflection, and prayer that I renew my commitment toward living each moment as the Bible calls me to live. It is during this time I tend to deeply contemplate my weaknesses, struggles, and failures (which are overwhelmingly numerous), usually in light of the previous week. Then I consider ways I need to change my thinking, decision-making, responses, motives, actions, attitudes, priorities, habits, interactions with others, etc.

It was only when I began to take the time to seriously invest in my weekly Sunday School lessons that I started to realize that the truths I am teaching my students are the very truths I desperately and INITIALLY need to be implementing in my own life BEFORE I begin to even try to challenge anyone else with them. If I want my teaching to be used by God in the lives of others, I have realized that it is I who must first heed the lesson.
And not only does this involve time, but lots of effort and usually a moderate amount of sacrifice of some sort, too. And that's typically not desirable nor easy. But I really believe that to teach, one must first be willing to learn.

Even though I naturally do not think myself to be a super effective teacher, it that is actually an accurate assessment of my abilities in teaching. It's where I NEED to be in my thinking for God's strength to be made perfect in my weakness. I must never reach a place of arrogance, yet I cannot back out of or become lazy in ministry, simply because I don't believe I have what it takes. I don't. But God does!

My Saturday morning reflections have also taken me to evaluate where I am headed and if the situations in which I have chosen to currently place myself are, are proving to encourage me in my present work for God—such as helping to prepare me for the roles God has for me down the road, and allowing my life and testimony to be a lighthouse for the lost in my workplace, and to determine if these situations are a result of wanting to follow God's will and do His work at all.

Do the decisions I make revolve around earthly desires, or heavenly ones? Have the consequences of those decisions affirmed selfish motivations, hopes, and dreams, or affirmed God's divine purposes for my life? Have these consequences proven spiritually maturing in my life, or spiritually depleting? Have I grown as a result of the godly edification, or as a result of mistakes made? Am I actively seeking God's will in the face of decisions, or do my choices reflect hasty decision-making processes based on non-biblical support? Can I truly say that I am allowing God to use my life based not only on His grace, but upon godly decisions I make each day; or, rather, am I merely floating down life's path, trying only to make it through another day? In other words, am I actively SEEKING to glorify God with my life, or am I passively living my life for myself….hoping in vain that I will somehow accomplish great things for God?

These are just SOME of the questions that serve as a type of "spiritual surgery" as I continue to take in spiritual nourishment from God's Word and other biblically-based writings. And, once my cream cheese bagel is devoured, my medium mint condition has increased my heart rate and jump-started my senses, I seem to keep coming to the same conclusions on the above topics—the same answers and identical solutions. And that is simply, to apply what God is revealing to me through His Word on Saturday and Sunday mornings, and to apply it the rest of the week and beyond. Not only that, but to SEEK OUT that same opportunity to JUST AS richly feed on God's Word each time I open it. To give God first priority in ALL of life, not just when it is convenient, as in my typical Saturday morning. I am not guaranteed that time every weekend. So I need to MAKE time for it, while avoiding going through the "Christian" motions to feel I've done my duty for the day. Nobody can trade spending quality time in God's presence for a superficial "checklist" and expect to grow spiritually! That is legalism, and I must not do it!

Instead, I must learn to live as Christ EVERY moment, and to acknowledge His presence in EVERY aspect of my life. I must live for HIM instead of myself and for my comfort. I must learn to die to myself when I MOST want to protest, or compromise my faith, or act on fleshly desires and depend on human reasoning. I must do good, but out of a pure motive to please and honor God, not to lift up or showcase anything in and of myself. And I must strive to fulfill God's purpose for my life—to love Him, love others, to recognize a need and a cry for help even when it is not so evident, to go the extra mile when I am exhausted, to continually perfect my God-given skills and abilities and then actually USE them to turn others to Christ, to be sincere in showing the love of God to others so that it automatically spills from my life instead of just when I feel compelled to share it with others. Etc., etc., etc.

These purposes are often difficult for a heart unyielding to the God's Word and His Spirit, but this is my renewed mission.

Grandma Moore

We had a wonderful 4th of July, just one injury, and it not even fire related!

Some of the church members came over to my parents' house for a BBQ. The kids were setting off firecrackers, sparklers, and smoke bombs. The fireworks were just up the hill, so it was pretty convenient since we didn't need to find a parking spot. The display was kind of short, but they are coming up with so many creative new fireworks! They did a star, a smiley face, a heart, the planet Saturn, and others. It was the perfect weather, too. The bugs were scarce and the temperature was mild.

My grandma got to come over, too. She suffered a heart attack last month, and after a couple of days in the hospital my dad led her to the Lord. It was the most amazing miracle I've ever witnessed! Now, at age 89, my grandma is a child of God. We really didn't think she would make it past the hospital room, but she's a tough one, so they moved her to a sort-of nursing facility. She has dementia now, and it's hard to see her wither from the feisty, opinionated woman she used to be to a frail mind and body. Yet I am convinced that had she not developed the disease she would not have accepted Christ. She was too strong-willed every other time we had tried to witness to her. But praise be to God, we are STILL rejoicing!

Anyway, Grandma scared us half to death on two occasions last night. When I was inside, she had walked up the steps to open the door to the house. I was just asking her if she needed help (usually it takes someone to help her walk anywhere, and especially up steps! Just as I started walking towards her I saw her hand shake, drop her cup of water, and fall backwards from three steps up! I knew I couldn't help her since I was inside, and I was horrified at what she looked like falling down, and so instinctively I ran into the next room and buried my head in the couch. Not my most shining of moments, but it totally freaked me out! I just knew her head would hit that concrete! She didn't though, and she was amazingly fine. She hit her head on the grass, but she kept telling us that she was ok. Well, and then she fell walking back from the park after the fireworks. Her legs just gave way from under her.

I mean, I love the fact that we still have my grandma with us, but I don't know if she should have been taken out like that. Maybe out to dinner or something, but man, that was SO scary, you don't even know! God's hand of mercy is the only thing I can think of that pillowed those two spills.

It must be tough to get old....

The wait for a date and a mate

As a married woman, it's sort of fun, now, to read back over stuff I wrote while still playing the "dating game". I saw this guy about 5 times in 2 weeks, and then we mutually parted ways after a horrible date at the bowling alley. It wasn't actually the bowling that did it in (although I was wearing a skirt, in which case I probably looked like a loser - who ever goes bowling in a skirt?!), but by the end there was something in the air that just didn't seem right, vague as it was. But now I could care less because I'm married to Jeromy, and I snagged the best one! Well, he really snagged me....

*****

Arghhhh! I just finished getting ready for a date night! This is the second time I've gotten together with this guy. His name is Matt...funny because I dated a Matt last summer, too! We went on a semi-blind date last Tuesday, and now we're going to this Itallian restaurant in town. Which is good, too, 'cause I'm hungry! I'm more nervous, too, though. The first date was fine, but it the first time we met. The jitters are different tonight, but I'm not really sure why. He's good looking, friendly, we find a lot to talk about, and we are right on as far as our beliefs go. He actually attends the church I went to as a little kid! Kind of eery, huh!

I guess I'm open minded about tonight. Actually the last time I saw him I didn't think he'd call me ever, but then he called the next day, which blew me away! The REALLY ironic thing is that our date last week was to an Allen Asbury concert, which was incredible!!! (Allen Asbury sings "Someone's Praying Me Through".) The thing is, Matt doesn't really like music! I couldn't believe it! I mean, he doesn't mind it, but it's not really his thing. I've never met anyone who dislikes music. Actually, let me re-phrase that, I've never met a Christian that dislikes music. And if you can't tell by now, music is a huge part of MY life. Ok, maybe I'm weird, but sometimes I can't help but just...singing...whatever and wherever, like when I'm excited or joyful or thankful, or something like that. That's just me.

So anyway, I had to talk to someone (or something! LOL) because he won't be here for another half hour. I wish I could just skip this whole dating "thing". It's kind of annoying. I mean, I haven't had a lot of relationships in my life, just casual dates and one I guess you could call "official" relationships, and even that didn't really feel like we were dating. We didn't end the relationship that long ago, either. I was the one who broke things off just because I was fine dating him, but I just couldn't see myself living with him for the rest of my life. Like, the "sparks" weren't flyin' or whatever.

I wish there was a guy out there who's not necessarily Mr. STUD or He-Man or anything, but one who knows BOTH how to have fun and when to be serious. Let me tell you, Christians can have the best fun sometimes! I'm really crazy, but you probably already know that from reading all this! LOL I do like to have deep, meaningful conversations, but I also like to joke around and tease big time (it's my upbringing!). Somebody REAL. Who is honest and open and laid back and sincere and can express his thoughts and feelings. Somebody who loves the Lord and can be the spiritual leader in the relationship, but who is on the same level as I am. I can't say I've found that person yet. I KNOW I wasn't ready for a relationship when I was in high school (every situation is different), but I wish God would just drop my man out of the sky. But He's making me wait. Patience is hard sometimes. But...I have a God who is faithful.

There's a verse in Psalms that says, "Delight yourself also in the Lord: and He shall give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). Well we single gals used to believe that verse meant that if we prayed hard enough and sang loud enough God would give us what we want. A name it and claim it philosophy. Leave it to women! Well having studied that verse I have come to believe that as I continue to get to know my Lord and Savior (through spending time in His Word and in prayer) I will begin to understand the things God desires....which, in turn, will become my desires IF my goal is to please Him--to "delight" in Him. So right now either I'm not delighting in the Lord, or I have not made His desires my desires.

Wow, I didn't realize how much I needed reminding of that verse until I began writing it out right now. One thing I know I need to work on (which also made my "list" is trust. When I want something, I have a tendency to try to make it work, to achieve it or acquire it...on my own. It is only after my attempts fail that I realize I forgot to pray about it first. With God there are no big or small issues in our lives. He wants us to come to Him before making ANY decision or stepping out to do ANYTHING. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a life verse for a lot of people I know. It is a good verse. It says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." That doesn't mean I don't plan or set goals. But I need to first surrender those plans and goals to the Lord, willing to be re-directed should doors close. Well there have been far too many paths I've directed on my own without any thought to what God might want me to do! This is a hard lesson for me to learn, and I think for everyone, or so many people wouldn't claim it as their life verse. (I don't actually have a life verse...but I do have favorite passages that really speak to me.)

Even with relationships. Sure, I want to get married and have a family. But today that's not what God wants for me. (Unless tonight is the start down that road! lol) God has a purpose for me in every season of my life, even as I'm single. I just need to keep trusting in the Lord with all my heart and not trying to lean on MY understanding when I face disappiontment or feel impatient. When that is the case, I usually discover that I have not acknowledged Him and am not allowing Him to direct my path, even in this one part of my life. It is amazing how much more smoothly I can handle things when I have first layed them at the feet of Jesus! Not to mean the problems disappear, but He always gives me the peace and the ability to trust Him when I have no idea what He is up to. Someone once said that there is no such thing as an unanswered prayer. God ALWAYS answers immediately with one of three words, YES, NO, or WAIT. I'll take a yes or a no over a wait anytime! But it's during those periods of waiting when I find that my faith increases the most. I learn to trust His timing and perfect ways, and to live for something more than instant gratification. God certainly knows what He's doing, and I am so grateful, because there are many times when I do not!!!

Purpose Driven Life II

I am still working my way through The Purpose Driven Life. I am finding how easy it is for me to get sidetracked to living my life without regard to God. It only takes a difficult situation or any kind of failure to bring me back to where I should be. It is SO reassuring to know that God has given us abilities not to use for ourselves, but to fulfill his unique and heavenly calling for our lives. Some days I feel like I'm just floating on through and life is good. But God doesn't want me to settle with a "good life".

I'm reminded of a new "Mercy Me" song, which says,

"You put me here for a reason / You have a mission for me / You knew my name and You called it / Long before I learned to breathe / Sometimes I feel disappointed / By the way I spend my time / How can I further Your Kingdom / When I'm so wrapped up in mine?
And although I'm living a good life / Can my life be something great? / I have to answer the question before it's too late. / If I give the very best of me / That becomes my legacy / So tell me what am I waiting for? /What am I waiting for?

In a blink of an eye that's when / I'll be closer to You than I've ever been / Time will fly, but until then / I'll embrace every moment I'm given / There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye."

We find fulfillment ONLY in living for and serving God. Back in December I sat down and wrote out a list of things I need to work on (regardless of whether I WANT to work on them or not...that would cut it down big time!) I thought, you know, five or ten character qualities or spiritual areas where I am most week, no big deal. Nope.....43 items later...and counting...I'm going, "God, why don't we just start from scratch! Maybe I'll do better this go around!" But no such luck...so I just kept on writing. The list covered an antire notebook page front and back, margins and all. Then I figured, well, I'm at the end of the page, I've run out of room. I guess that's it! Yeah right! I probably could fill volumes worth of things I need to work on!

I'm certainly glad God tells me "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" because I fail SO often! I stashed that list away for months...too scared to look at it for fear that I might actually have to DO something! Heaven forbid! LOL But after starting The Purpose Driven Life I forced myself to take it out and study it. That's easy. The hard part is when I wake up tomorrow morning and have to put them into practice!

Naptime in Nannyland

Gearing up for a camping weekend!!!

Well, boys are leaving tomorrow, and I will join them next week. But it's no fun camping in the rain, no matter how much I like roughing it! Julie Sweeney's parents own a cabin up north where they annually invite all 6 of their children and families to go boating and fishing for a week. That means I only have to work 2 days next week! Yeah!!!

It will be nice because with my summer work schedule I won't be able to counsel at actual CAMP this year, as I've done ever since I was too old to be a camper myself. I'll miss that. I have some good memories of camp, well, and I met one of my best friends at camp before the 5th grade. Jen and I went on to become college roommates throughout our years in college. We are very similar in many ways, yet very different, too. Jen is a night owl, I am NOT. That meant while she jabbered on the phone till 1 a.m. every night I annoyed her by crashing into dressers and desks in the wee hours of the morning. While she is a social butterfly and a classic flirt, I am a cautious observer before I allow myself to get close to someone (but when I do, they are friends for life). Jen is more of a "live for the moment", spontaneous kind of person while I am sentimental by nature and thrive off ready made plans. Oddly enough, we think SO alike and we even finish each other's sentences. It didn't matter that she was an Oscar and I was a Felix. We got on each other's nerves plenty, but we pride ourselves by saying we never once had an all-out cat fight! And that's rare in the girls’ dormitory! LOL Now I'm just scared to know what it's like to live with a MAN someday! I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there!!

Well, the boys' half hour is about up, so I better high-tail it upstairs. And hey, the sun is coming out! Yay! I'll just save this for now and pick it back up when I get another chance. TGIF! It actually turned out to be a muggy 75 degrees today. The best part is that the boys and I spent over an hour in the backyard digging for night crawlers. Didn't take much effort what with all the rain we got the last couple days. Now we have a TON of bait to use on the camping trip! It was a messy job...but somebody's gotta do it! Well, and then after I told the boys to take their shoes off OUTSIDE before heading inside, I enter the house just in time to see Adam sitting on my bathroom floor, bawling. He had tried to wash his mud-caked shoes in my sink and had not only plugged up the drain, gotten mud all over the floor and walls, but didn't even make a single dent in the mud on the bottom of his shoes! When he saw my face he just cried harder! It took me a couple minutes, but I was finally able to laugh it off. Poor guy...

Purpose Driven Life I

I don't think I ever got through the entire book, but the portion I did read evidently had an impact in my life at the time. I thought the author could have spoken more about Christ than just the generic usage of "God" - because there is no getting to God without Christ! - but oh well.

*****

I'm in the middle of reading Rick Warren's, A Purpose Driven Life. My dad ordered it through this one church and they gave it to him for free! So I stole it from him for a while, and it's really good. The basic theme of the book is a biblical discussion on life's purpose and meaning, beginning with God and His reasons for creating us. (By God and for God.) It's a pretty good read.

We find fulfillment in serving God, and one of those means is by serving others. Matthew 25:40 says, this about service to others, "And the King shall answer and say unto them, 'Truly I say unto you, inasmuch as much as you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me.'" That means if I choose to act selfishly or unfairly or spitefully, etc. towards an individual, I have done it unto Christ. If I treat others with kindness and generocity and patience, etc. I have done it unto Christ. I need this reminder more often.

It is comforting to know that God's purpose for me rises far above my weaknesses and inadequacies. Otherwise the moment God saved me He might as well have taken me to heaven right then and there, because I would be no use to Him on my own down here! But that is exactly why I AM still here. God wouldn't be cruel enough to leave His children in this sin-infested war zone (physically AND spiritually) just to torture us. No--I must live for something greater than this world, than living for myself.

That's why I must utilize each new day He gives me to serve God and His purposes. Just to know that my life has the potential to count for eternity gives me teriffic motivation to strive toward accomplishing whatever God places in front of me. Whether that be sharing the message of Christ to those whom He loves, whether that be visiting the elderly in nursing facilities, donating money to the poor, or merely wiping the runny nose of a five-year-old little boy...it is an honor and a joy to serve the Lord. If it's not, it should be. Whenever I find my task undesirable and NOT joyful, I have to readjust my attitude: Am I really serving Him or am I serving myself? Am I living for this life or living for the one to come? Once I come to grips with my purpose on this earth, life instantly takes on a whole new perspective.

President Reagan

Although I don't support any particular political party, I do support those who have been given leadership roles. God is still sovereign through all of that. Shortly after former President Reagan died, I decided to record my thoughts concerning the first president I can remember as a child.

*****

I know everyone has made comments concerning the death of President Reagan, but I thought I would share my thoughts as well. I was deeply touched by the events of last week. Reagan was a great leader...

I got to watch President Reagan's funeral on T.V. yesterday. I saw part of the morning cathedral ceremony (between games of Spongebob Uno and pitching ball to the kids, that is). I saw all of the sunset burial service, which was interesting.

At first I wondered, though--how many tributes does one man need, anyway? My intention is not disrespectful, but my first thought was--SENSATIONALISM. I admit I wondered if a lot of the emotional and repeated news coverage was in light of the upcoming presidential election? I'm sure I'm not the only one who wondered about that. If it's true, it's wrong. I mean, here's Reagan, a good Republican, and he seems to have died just in the nick of time. I'm not trying to be ugly, but ya know? That's how the media works a lot of the time. Maybe it's just me...or maybe it's the fact that Nixon, the last president to pass on before, although it is understandable, he certainly did not receive such tribute as Reagan has.

I was too little to remember a lot about Reagan, other than what I've since read, but I know he contributed plenty to this nation. The end of the Cold War, the anti-communist campaigns for the Soviet Union, etc. He was an honest man with a unique charismatic relationship with the people, which has yet to be duplicated. I guess I have come to the conclusion that, whether or not it was a plug for the Republican party, the tribute he received is the way it is supposed to be! It's all about HONOR and RESPECT, and that's what I saw on T.V. last night. I don't know if you get American reception on T.V. where you are at, but I heard it said that there were a couple Arab stations that aired the ceremonies. Whoever watched will have gotten to see how Americans treat their fallen. It's a powerful statement, nonetheless.

I don't know why it has never hit me before, but watching the military pomp and ceremonial drills during the funeral made me think of what it might be like in heaven. I mean, President Reagan deserved to be saluted and honored, if not for all the good he accomplished on the behalf of this nation and world, but because of his position--who he was; namely, President of the United States of America. That's an honorable title! That means we continued to give respect even to President Clinton, despite his wrongdoings for the very fact that he was the leader of our country! The Bible tells us we need to obey those in authority over us, EVEN if they fail and make poor choices. They have received that authority, and for that reason alone we must obey them.

It's the same way with Almighty God, is it not? Certainly we know that God is holy and just and righteous in all His acts. He never makes mistakes and uses His infinte wisdom and power to carry out His perfect will. We do not have to question His actions. But for the very fact that God is GOD should cause us to fall prostrate to the ground in humble reverence and respect. It is because of WHO HE IS that we must worship Him and offer Him praise. God is the Creator and sustainer of the universe, He is infinite and all-knowing! He is the perfect example of love, and that attribute radiates from the fact that He designed the redemption process even before the creation of those who would reject that plan. Such amazing love in itself is reason enough for worship. A God that is entirely loving and yet entirely just at the same time deserves far more honor than a fallen president could ever receive. Even if God chose to never save a soul, He would still be worthy of honor.

My favorite part of the the ceremonies yesterday was the music. The Army band and the Army choir. It was incredible to hear "Hail to the Chief" and "Amazing Grace" and "Taps" and all the sights and sounds of the cannons and gun shots, the voices, the trumpets, the bag pipes, the perfectly timed steps of the military pall-barers--it just takes your breath away! I mean I got goosebumps from my head to my toes!

That is something all of the servicemen seem to understand better than the rest of us civilians: the true meaning of honor and respect. I was just overcome with the thought that if the band and choir sounds this good here on earth--and for a human national leader--I can hardly fathom what the ceremony will be like in Glory! The great Praise and Worship service in the literal presence of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords!! I love that old gospel song, "When All of God's Singers Get Home" because it speaks of that amazing fact that ALL of us are crucial voices in the saints' choir. We will ALL get to join in the ultimate tribute to the ultimate Leader. And we will not be wearing black or holding hankies. We will not be paying our respects to the death of a great man...we will be celebrating the awesome greatness of our LIVING Savior! Now THAT will render us breathless!

There was a lot of referencing to the fact that Reagan was a "privately but very deeply religious" man. Both Bush Sr. and Jr. alluded to this, as well as Reagan's son, Michael, who is an openly born-again Christian. (Actually, I caught the tail end of a previously recorded interview between Michael Reagan and Dr. James Dobson yesterday on "Focus On the Family" radio. The recording had to be at least a couple years old.) Anyway, I was taken aback (but probably shouldn't have been) when Reagan's son Ron mentioned that his father "didn't wear his faith on his sleeve the way certain politicians do today." I about had a fit if he weas referring to President Bush! (However, I have just read into his speech too much...but it sounded like a political statement to me.) If Reagan was a Christan, that's great, but if anyone is offended by Bush's outspoken faith, that's their problem. This was a funeral, for goodness sake.... Personally, I would much rather have a man in the oval office who seeks the face of God daily and prays not only for his allies, but for his enemies as well (whether in public OR private, that's not what matters) than one who doesn't. I'd rather have a President who askes for Divine wisdom rather than a President who bases his decisions on his own wisdom and discernment. (I am speaking hypothetically, of course!)

I don't want to get all political now.....but I guess it's too late, huh! LOL Call me bi-partisan, if you like. I believe there are pros and cons with both parties, but quote me on this: I will ALWAYS side with godliness, morality, and integrity!

"I don't know anything about politics...but that's never stopped me from having an opinion..." -Mark Lowry (Isn't that the truth for the majority of the American people?!)

I really enjoyed listening to the eulogies of Reagan's children. I love hearing stories about the TRUE family life of public figures--from the firsthand source. Otherwise you don't know which rumors to believe anymore! A couple years back I read the book of compiled love letters Reagan wrote his wife over the years. He was an extremely deep man. Yet after funerals like that I have to swiftly turn off the T.V. because I tend to cry at just about anything sentimental like that! I have to snap myself back to reality. It IS sad--but life goes on. The important thing is that if Reagan indeed trusted Christ in his lifetime, then what our current president said is true--no longer does he see through a glass darkly, but he is viewing for the first time and with the clearest vision the very face of teh Lamb slain for his redemption. He sees his Savior face to face and is more himself than he has ever been before. It's party time!!!

Can you imagine where this nation would be had Reagan's assassination been successful...if that bullet had inched any closer to his heart and if his funeral had instead been 23 years ago?? Even he himself recognized that he had been spared for God's reasons, and he intended to carry out whatever it was he was called to do. It amazes me how just one single person has the potential for affecting an entire nation--or even world--positively OR negatively. Then I am amazed that such individuals are not limited to those in the presidency or public eye. They include each of us...they include you and me.

When you were little, did your parents ever teach you to give an automatic response to a question they posed, so to show off your "brilliance" whenever in the presence of relatives? Like, they would teach you to spell "Mississippi" even though you couldn't yet read, let alone did you understand what it meant! Or they would make you spew the correct answer to some difficult mathematical question to the pride of your math teacher uncle (and I had one!). Things like that. Well, when I was two years old my dad would always ask me the same two questions whenever we would visit my aunt and uncle. He would say, "Tara, whose favorite food is...peanuts?" to which I'd smile and screech, "JIMMY CARTER!" Then he would say, "Whose favorite food is...jelly beans?" and before he could say the word "beans" I'd belt out, "RONNIE REAGAN!" My aunt, apparently, got a kick out of that. I hardly even remembered it! My dad reminded me last night.

Ya know, we hear the word "hero" a lot these days. "So-and-so" was a hero for overcoming cancer. "So-and-so" was a hero for capturing Sadam Hussein. "So-and-so" was a hero for his bravery on 9-11. "So-and-so was a hero for sacrificing his life on an Iraqi battlefield. What does that word mean, anyway? What does it reflect about a person? Well, after pondering its usage, trying to come up with a definition, a particular Scripture came to mind. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me." Because empowering strength comes from God, then ultimately, HE gets the glory for any "heroic" act achieved by an individual. So to say somebody is a hero is to say they fulfilled a task they were called to carry out by drawing their strength from God. Otherwise, I suppose, it's just a term of vanity. Who are we but earthen vessels...

Since we have heard from numerous eulogies on Reagan's life, it is clear that his strength lay in the arms of his powerful God. In that vein, we salute him as a hero.

"June 3rd Pickle"

More adventures in nanny-land!

School's out! ...I'm not quite sure what to make of that fact yet. Going from the care of just one child during the day and then and all of a sudden transitioning to three, I have a feeling I'm going to get triple the exercise! One thing I've noticed about the littlest, Adam is that I've got him tied around my finger. When I tell him to do something, all I have to do is mention his "Good Job Jar" (marble incentive) and he obeys. That is, only when he is JUST with me. When he is around his more outspoken and defiant older brothers, he becomes one with them. He's a perfect angel one minute and a little turd the next! Something tells me I'm going to have to set some strict guidelines and develop greater structure, now that summer's here. Routine, discipline, and flexibility! Unfortunately, since kids do thrive off routine, I know the discipline and especially flexibility issues may just pose an incredible challenge to me, the caregiver! But I'm ready! grrrr!

The boys are over at a friend's house right now, which NEVER happens. Usually the entire neighborhood meets over here. The Sweeney's have the only flat driveway on the block with a basketball hoop. I feel like a daycare service sometimes! So this brief moment of serenity is to be enjoyed.

We have a couple "pet" squirrels that live in our yard. Once in the early spring we dumped some old, stale nuts onto the ground and they were gone before we could shut the door, it seemed. Since then the boys have been tossing them peanuts every couple days or so. One squirrel has even come close to taking them right out of our hands! Those things can be annoying, but they are fun to watch when they come close and lean their paws up against the window--I can see them now as I look out the sliding door. They beg just like puppies! I suppose they'll starve to death once our stash of peanuts runs out! lol

It's Adam's birthday today--June 3rd. We made him a "pickle" cake last night. Now, don't wrinkle your nose, it's just a German chocolate cake with green frosting, cut in the shape of a pickle. The meaning behind the decor is that last year Adam received a card in the shape of a giant pickle for his birthday. Ever since then whenever anyone asks when his birthday is, without skipping a beat he declares, "JUNE 3RD PICKLE!" I think he was a little bummed because at first he thought we were going to use the green frosting to make a "Shrek" cake!

Oh yeah, and speaking of Shrek--2, anyhow, I made a big mistake. Adam finished his marble jar last week and so for his prize I took him to see a movie--THAT movie. It's a good thing preschoolers are still naive when it comes to subtle (well, and sometimes NOT so subtle) cinematic "adult humor". I'm sure you saw the first Shrek. Even some of the content in that movie ruffled my tail feathers, mainly for the fact that it is a CARTOON, for goodness sake! If the industry is going to put that kind of stuff in movies in general, that's their problem. But just don't make it appealing to kids using animation! That's wrong! It's cunning and clever and money making, but it's wrong! I will spare the details, but I will just say that I'm certainly glad Adam doesn't know what a "thong" is! Good grief...

Where was I going, anyway?? Adam's birthday... Oh, the bliss to be 5 again! Trouble is, we didn't realize how easy we had it back then. Everything was a free ride and we had no idea! Someday those boys will have to get them a job. And I'm sorry, it ain't gonna be replacing Torey Hunter for the Twins! LOL Where did the years go, anyway? Five years old seems like a blink of an eye away. Aaron commented last night (yesterday being his final day of school) that 2nd grade was the fastest year he'd ever been in school. Each year hastens the one before it, so it seems. That's because when we were 5, one year approximated exactly one fifth of our entire life! I know this year for me is going by quickly. I will have to say goodbye to the Sweeney boys in August. That will be hard.

Restless

Thoughts from a restless heart, almost a year after graduating college. I was currently working as a live-in nanny for three boys in Minnesota.

*****

It's one of those nights when I want to do a million different things, but I just don't have the emotional strength to do anything else but listen to my Marty Goetz CD and write in here. Yet now I don't even know if I want to do that. I just want to crawl into bed and get a good rest.

God has been drawing me closer to Him lately. It's painful and refreshing at the same time. I crave His fellowship, His comfort, His presence SO much, but it almost feels overwhelming to try and maintain a relationship with one so holy. I have MUCH of my life to work on. And I fail daily. But it's not God's fault, it's mine. It's me indirectly telling Him that I want my other gods more than I want Him. Yet there are times that I have ups and downs with human relationshiops--parents, brother, friends, and others. I start out with a season when I put all my energy into the person, whoever it is, and then when I get physically, mentally, emotionally, or even spiritually exhausted, I dwindle. It goes from everything to nothing, all for entirely selfish reasons, as I can reasonably evaluate.

Inconsistency seems to be the story of my life. The only thing that is consistent is that I thrive off a single-task life. I shudder at the thought of having to multi-task. That's probably why I get frustrated with the Sweeney boys if they need help while I'm sweeping the floor. Or if one of them makes a huge mess while I'm working with one of the other boys. I feel like I have to stop what I'm doing and fix the mess before I can continue. Interruptions throw me off BIG time.

I think it's the same way with people and the events surrounding my relationships. Only if it is convenient, will I put my heart and soul into showering my attention, care, and concern on those I love. If I get busy with a new project, or if I meet a new friend, another relationship might be quickly put on the back-burner. It is hard for me to give equal attention to each person that crosses my path, no matter how much I want to. It usually makes me sound like I'm saying, "I still like you, but please take a number and get in line. If you're lucky, you'll get a Christmas card this year."

I'm extremely convicted about this—-well, of course I am, or I wouldn't be going into it at such length. I do realize that GOD is not partial like that. He has millions of people simultaneously talking to Him all day long, and yet He gives undivided attention to and time for each individual whenever they want. Amazing. I understand that He is all-powerful Deity, but the concept is true. If God can give me His full attention at the drop of a hat, surely I can be there for the people in my life. Even when I think I can't make the time or when I don't feel like it. I certainly would want all of them to be there for me when I need them.

I figure if my relationship with God is on a steady course, then perhaps my relationships with others wouldn't suffer so. Because God is so faithful to me, I need to be faithful to others. And, most importantly, faithful to God.

Passion Ponderings

This was my response after watching "The Passion of the Christ" when it first came to theaters.

*****

My viewing of Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" left me with a deeper, richer understanding of the great price Christ paid to extend salvation to the spiritually dead. A higher appreciation for the sacrifice it took to remove the barriers of sin and grant mankind access to a holy and righteous God.

My post-movie reaction was one of amazement that my Savior would not concede, but CHOOSE to endure such barbarous torture and abuse for the sake of evil-hearted, self-seeking individuals, all of whom are sinners of equal measure, and of whose existence spans every racial, generational, and geographic category; past, present, and future.
The concept that struck me with even greater intensity is that within God's vast and incomprehensible redemptive plan, He saw it pleasing and purposeful to include ME. The passion--or suffering--of Jesus Christ was not merely a result of a cruel injustice that might evoke within the heart of the viewer a sense of compassion or sympathy toward the undeserving victim, but to a recipient and beneficiator of the forgiveness and grace of His shed blood, the passion very personally demonstrates the ultimate act of Christ's sacrificial love.

Yes, it is true that Jesus suffered such physical, emotional, and spiritual affliction in general, on behalf of all mankind and, efficatiously (specifically), to all who will accept Him. Yet it is the responsibility of every believer to realize HIS OWN virtual participation in the process of His death. It was I who hammered the nails into Christ's hands and feet. At the same time, it was also I who became His victorious reward for those same nails.
Every agony He endured--every insult, every mocking, every lashing, every piercing, every step up Calvary's hill--was for me.

Pointing fingers at specific "Christ killers" or generalizing the fault of His death to the whole world certainly holds a sense of credibility. Also, we must recall that Christ's death was in God's redemptive plan long before the foundations of the world. The people who killed Him were actually carrying out God's will, whether they knew it or not! However, by neglecting to personalize the passion of Jesus, I diminish my vicarious presence among them. For them it was a physical act; for me, it was spiritual. MY SIN was inflicting Jesus during those agonizing twelve hours.

I need to spot my form among the merciless Jewish crowd, demanding crucifiction. I need to trace my name carved into His horribly beaten back at the scuring block. And at the foot of the brutal Roman cross, I must force myself to listen for my own voice sneering at the sight of His bloody, broken body.

I was there...no more than anyone else, no less than if I was alone.

Somehow--through the grief and pain that I caused the only begotten Son of Almighty God--it was my very presence fixed to the mind and heart of Jesus that eventually led Him to extend a most precious verbal expression of love, "Father, forgive them...."

The weight of my sins alone should have caused the cross to sink to the deepest dwelling of hell, but before that could happen, Jesus uttered three mighty words, "It is finished!"